15 Summers Later

Chapter 19

Days blur into nights, and our strength is tested in ways we never imagined. The vast expanse of the mountains becomes both a sanctuary and a labyrinth, a place of refuge and a realm of peril. Yet, with every step, we move closer to the distant promise of civilization, leaving behind the haunting echoes of the Coalition and embracing the uncertain path that leads to our newfound freedom.

—Ghost Lake by Ava Howell Brooks

Oh, this was hard. Now that she was here, facing her husband, she had no idea where to start.

It didn’t help that he seemed like a stranger, with more beard than he’d had even a few days earlier, his hair in need of a cut and a distant expression on his features.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Over the years they had been together, she had wondered what it might be like to find out with him that they were expecting a baby. She would imagine it occasionally, usually when friends of theirs would spill their own news that they were pregnant.

This was not at all the way she might have imagined it, sitting in the forest of her nightmares, facing a man who clearly did not want her here.

“I didn’t want to come,” she admitted. “I know you need space and I’m trying to give you that but...I also think you would want to know. You would be more angry with me if I kept this news from you, and I...I couldn’t bear that.”

He looked suddenly weary. “I’m not angry with you, Ava. I thought I explained that to you. There’s a big difference between being angry and being so deeply hurt that you feel it down to your bones.”

She closed her eyes, hating that her fear had brought them to this point. When she opened them, she found him gazing down at her with the same remote expression.

“I...haven’t been feeling well for a few weeks now. Since before...everything happened and you left Portland, actually.”

He frowned. “I thought you looked pale at the farmers market last week. I assumed maybe it was from being out in the heat.”

“That might have been part of it. It doesn’t explain everything. The fatigue. The nausea. The...inability to control my emotions.”

“It seems to me you have never had a hard time controlling your emotions. You’re very good at curating everything you say or do to portray exactly the image you want the world to see.”

His words might not have wounded her if he had spoken them in any other tone but that dispassionate, resigned one. As it was, she felt gutted.

“Madi and I learned early after we arrived at the camp to hide our emotions,” she admitted, her voice low. “If you stayed quiet, your words could not be used to punish you later for some infraction, intended or accidental.”

His eyes softened with compassion before he looked away.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so...I guess I’ll come out and say it straight up.”

“What’s going on?” he asked, wariness in his voice.

She gave a heavy sigh. “I’ve been suffering for about three weeks with nausea. Someone suggested I might be pregnant. I took about eight pregnancy tests that confirmed it. I know it’s the worst possible timing. I didn’t plan it and didn’t expect this to happen, but...we’re going to have a baby.”

For one instant, wild joy leaped in his gaze, so raw and real that she wondered if everything would be okay between them after all, if he would sweep her into his arms, kiss her and all the pain would disappear. As quickly as it appeared, it was gone again.

“Are you sure?”

“I haven’t been to a doctor yet. But yes. Pretty sure. Again, eight pregnancy tests. I think it’s unlikely that all eight of them would give false positives.”

Now he looked flummoxed, as if she had shoved the camp chair out from under him.

“How did this...? We weren’t planning on a baby right now. I thought we...you were taking precautions.”

Guilt twisted through her. “The past few months have been so...intense that I haven’t been as careful to take the pill every day as I should have been. That’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’m sorry.”

The last two words slithered out, hovering between them like something ugly and alive.

“Are you apologizing for my sake or for your own?” He looked down at her with burning intensity. “Do you...not want this baby?”

So very much. But not when you are so angry with me that you can’t even hug me when I need it desperately.

She couldn’t lie to him. “Yes, more than anything. I know the timing is poor but...I don’t care. I already love her. Or him. It doesn’t matter which. This baby is ours.”

He let out a breath and she could see myriad emotions playing out on his features. Shock and joy and anxiety and perhaps even a touch of despair.

“So what happens now?”

We kiss and make up and go back to the blissful future we were planning before I screwed everything up?

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “What do you want to see happen?”

“I’ve hardly had three minutes to process that our lives are about to change forever. I’m still struggling to wrap my head around it.”

“I know. I’ve been the same way. I suspected last night but... I took the tests this morning. I came as soon as I could arrange a ride up with Madi. I wanted you to know right away. I don’t want any more secrets between us.”

His mouth tightened into a line and he looked haunted again. He said nothing so she continued, “We don’t have to make any decisions right now. I am probably only about five or six weeks along. I’ve only missed one period.”

“Are you feeling okay?”

She almost thought she saw his hand lift, as if he wanted to stroke it down her cheek. She ached for the comforting reassurance of his touch with a ferocity that seemed to throb like her heartbeat.

“Not really,” she answered. “I’ve been pretty nauseous. And I’ve been napping so much, Grandma must think I have some kind of sleep disorder.”

His mouth twitched slightly, as if he wanted to smile, but he remained stiff and silent, his emotion-filled eyes the only outward sign that her news had impacted him in the slightest.

She shrugged. “All that will only last another few months, then I’ll be fine.”

“That’s good. Do you...need anything?”

You. Only you.

She shook her head. “No. You should know I plan to keep the baby. If you...if you decide you can’t forgive me for keeping secrets and want to make this separation more permanent, I can raise the baby by myself. Please don’t worry about that. I’ll make things work somehow.”

The very real possibility she might end up a single mother made her want to curl up in the fetal position like their child growing inside her, especially when she knew what a wonderful father Cullen would be. But it wouldn’t be fair to force parenthood on him when he wasn’t even certain their marriage could survive.

He glared at her, suddenly, anger sparking to life in his eyes. “Ava. Do you honestly think I would abandon my responsibilities to you or...to our child?”

He stumbled over the word, as if it still didn’t seem quite real to him.

“I know you didn’t ask for this, that a baby wasn’t something you wanted right now. Especially right now. I completely understand. I was the one who messed up and didn’t consistently take my birth control. I can’t expect you to pay for my mistake.”

“If I really hadn’t wanted a child, I could have chosen my own ways to prevent conception,” he pointed out. “The responsibility was not yours alone.”

She twisted her hands together, nails digging into her palms. “I know it’s a...a shock to find out we’re expecting a baby. But I hope in time, you can be happy about it.”

“I’m not unhappy. Only surprised. I’m still processing.”

“I understand.”

Now that she had told him, she wasn’t sure what to say or do next. It didn’t feel right to simply drop this bomb and then walk away, like some kind of stealth guerilla. But she had no idea where to go from here.

To her astonishment, after a moment of strained silence, Cullen unexpectedly moved closer and pulled her into an almost desperate embrace.

She stood frozen for only a second before she wrapped her arms around him, hope beating through her with paper-thin wings.

This was home to her, no matter that they were in the Idaho wilderness. His arms. His solid strength. Here, she had always felt cherished and nurtured and...safe.

She pressed her cheek to his chest, feeling the whisper of gentle kisses on her hair. Thick emotion choked her throat. She had missed him so very much.

She wanted this instant to last forever, as if their embrace could heal all the fear, the distrust, the brokenness between them.

“I’m sorry you’ve been ill,” he murmured against her hair.

“I’m all right. At least now I know there’s a valid reason for it, that I’m not simply being...weak and depressed.”

He eased away to meet her gaze and studied her features. Could he see the loneliness and despair that had consumed her since he left Portland?

She knew nothing had really changed. He still felt betrayed by the secrets she had kept from him and she didn’t know how to fix the mess she had created out of self-protectiveness and fear. But at least he hadn’t completely pushed her away.

Finally, he lowered his hands and moved away and she tried not to shiver as cool air replaced his warmth.

He sat down again and she did the same. “It wasn’t necessary for you to come all the way up here. I was planning to stop by Leona’s place on Saturday, when we come down for more supplies. But...thank you.”

“You needed to know. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since this morning. I didn’t want you to think this was one more thing I was keeping from you.”

He nodded. They sat on the camp chairs overlooking the blue waters of Ghost Lake and talked about practicalities. When her due date might be. Whether she would return to Portland now or see an OB-GYN in Sun Valley or Ketchum during the summer. If she had told her family yet.

She shook her head. “I wanted you to know first. I’m sure Madi is wondering what is going on and why I dragged her up here in the first place.”

“I’m glad she came with you. Do the two of you want to stay for dinner? It’s Luis’s turn, which means it will probably be quesadillas or grilled cheese sandwiches. But he makes a pretty good grilled cheese.”

If they could maintain this tentative peace between them, she would like to stay all night. She didn’t have only herself to think about, though.

“We’d better not. Madi said we should try to be back before dark.”

“Probably smart. There are some fairly rough spots on the trail.”

She nodded. He rose and reached for her hand. She placed her fingers in his and he pulled her up from the camp chair and into his arms again.

“Thank you again for coming up here. I know it couldn’t have been easy for you.”

“It was easier, knowing you would be at the end of the trail, though I was terrified about your possible reaction,” she admitted.

“I’m still reeling,” he admitted. “I think I’ll be processing it for some time. But I do know this. If you’re happy about it, Ava, I am, too.”

He brushed his mouth on her forehead, her cheek, then a soft, gentle kiss on her mouth. She closed her eyes, praying they could make their way through this thorny time to regain the happy ending that had become as vital to her as breathing.