Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THEO
E stee’s eyes are sharp—clear and searing in their demand. They pin me down like a blade, cutting through every defense I’ve clung to for so long. There’s nowhere to hide, no corner dark enough to bury what I’ve done, and the guilt of my secrets claws at me, threatening to spill out in a wild torrent. Her body trembles and she pulses with an intensity likely built from her need to hear my truth. I know that if I don’t lay everything bare, I’ll lose her. I might anyway, but at least I’ll have done everything I could to keep her.
“Why did you kill him?” Her voice is rough, like gravel scraping against glass, filled with confusion and the unmistakable sting of betrayal. She wants to know, but she doesn’t know what she’s asking for.
My heart thunders in my chest as I struggle to breathe. The likelihood that she’ll hate me for what I’ve done is high, and losing her will break me. I need her more than the air in my lungs, more than anything in this existence.
“Would you like the long story or the short?” I walk back to sit next to her again. I didn’t become king just by killing Airik. There were so many steps, so many things I could’ve done differently, that led me to this point. Though, now that I’m here, I can’t quite bring myself to regret a single one of them. Not when Estee sits in the chair near me, my starlight plucked right from the night sky.
She adjusts in her seat, and I almost let myself believe that she’s going to reach for me, but then she backs further away. “Tell me everything, and I swear, Theo, if you leave one part out and I find out later, I’ll ruin you myself.”
Despite her threat, I can’t help but steady in her presence—the light in her eyes, the fire, the strength—and the noose I’ve felt around my neck for so long loosens.
“When I was young,” I begin, my voice hoarse as I force the words to flow, “my pack was everything to me. They were my family, my world. We were small, close-knit, and lived far from this castle. We didn’t need the kingdom or the politics, just each other. Eventually, I became the alpha without even realizing it, and I didn’t think life could be any better.”
Her brows pinch together. “How can you call yourself an alpha when there are only four packs? I can sense the power within you, but that alone doesn’t make you a leader.” Her tone isn’t accusing, just curious.
“Just because there are only four recognized doesn’t mean they’re the only packs to exist,” I explain. “Most aren’t a threat, so it’s easier to ignore us than attempt to force us to live where we don’t want to. At least that was what I thought growing up.”
Even three years later, having to remember that horrendous night makes my chest burn and my jaw ache with tension. Still, I continue to force the words out, with my voice low and choked by the pain I’ve kept buried for so long.
“But one night, they came for us—hunters who knew exactly where to find my pack. They killed them all, Estee. Every last member, young and old. My friends, my mother, everyone except me. I didn’t understand why, and it took me a long time to learn the truth, and even after, it still doesn’t make any sense.”
Pity flashes in her eyes, but I can’t let her softness stop me. I have to push through. “My mother was the last to go, crawling to me from her home next to mine.”
As I continue to speak, I’m transported back to that night, reliving the nightmare I see every time I lie in bed.
“Son,” she croaks and somehow manages to smile. “It’s going to be okay.”
I run to her. There’s no one left to help, no bodies left to collect as the flames ravage the village. Kneeling, I press my hands over her stomach in hopes of stopping the bleeding.
“Don’t look for me,” Mother says, “I’m finally going to rest, and I want you to remember that you were meant for great things, my boy. Leave this place behind and start over. Find your peace.”
I shake my head frantically. “No. Not like this. How am I supposed to…”
“You just are.” She coughs and closes her eyes, leaning her cheek into my touch. “My time is done. I’ve taught you all I can, and I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. You’re going to be okay. There’s a reason you survived, and vengeance is…”
“Mom?” I grab her shoulders, shaking her more than I should, given her injuries, but I’m frantic, desperate. “Mother! Open your eyes. Please. Please, don’t leave me. Not like this.” The smell of burning flesh assaults me. “Please not like this.”
But she never wakes up, never tells me what vengeance is. Not in any version of the nightmare.
“Gods, Theo.” Tears fall freely down Estee’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. How long ago was this?”
I have to wipe at my own face and clear my throat before I can speak again. “Just over three years.”
“How did you end up here?” she asks. “Did you come seeking help from King Airik and he refused so you killed him?”
Gods, I wish it were that simple.
I shake my head. “I didn’t find myself within the walls of this castle until the month before I was crowned. For weeks after the deaths of my pack, I was broken. But more than that, I was furious. Furious with the monsters who came from and fled back into the darkness, with the gods for allowing this to happen, with myself for being too weak to end my own misery.”
She finally reaches for me, grabbing my hand and squeezing tightly. Though, I’m not sure if it’s to comfort me or encourage me to keep going. “What did you do after the attack?”
“I went searching for the people who invaded my home. I had nothing to go on, but I still had to try. I didn’t sleep for weeks, searching the woods around the pack for any sign of where they’d gone. Or come from. There was nothing. Nothing left of their presence, of my home, of the people I loved most in the world. After a while, I started to wonder if I’d imagined the whole thing. If I’d never had any of that joy to begin with.”
The sorrow in Estee’s eyes is mingled with something more. A burning resolve, like she wants to avenge every wrong done to me. Her wolf flashes in her gaze, fierce and untamed.
“And then someone found me,” I continue. “He said he’d heard what happened to me and wanted to help.” My body shudders with disgrace. “I didn’t even question him. I saw a lifeline to finding some sort of peace and latched on with everything I had left. He said he knew where I could find answers and I blindly believed him.”
“And did you? Find answers?” Her voice is breathless as if every word I speak could make all the difference in what she does next.
“I thought I did.” I pull away from her and walk away, because I don’t want to see the look in her eyes as I explain this next part.
I stop in front of the window. “I found the men this person told me were responsible. One by one, I went to them in the night, just like they did to my pack, and took their lives, following the whispers of guidance, trusting them without a second thought. Nights bled together, connected only by the screams of the fallen, until weeks had passed like this.
“By the time I was done, I no longer recognized myself. My hands were stained with crimson, and I didn’t feel any better. In fact, I was at my lowest, more desperate for peace than I’d ever been. Then he returned to me, with a smirk on his face and more lies. Only this time, I began to see through them…yet I did nothing to fight back.”
“Who is he?” Estee asks, standing much closer than I expected her to be and sounding ready for war. “And where is he now?”
My chuckle is dark. “He’s a god, Estee. You can’t touch him.”
She huffs as if she knows something I don’t, but if there was a way to kill Orix, I would’ve found it by now.
“And every time I gave into his magic, every time I willingly acted as his puppet, I became more tied to him,” I admit. “He’s linked to me in ways I don’t understand. His voice and energy are a constant threat in my mind. One powerful enough to keep you from feeling the bond and to make someone commit murder. To ruin this kingdom just for fun. There’s no stopping him, and I’m so sorry I’ve brought you into this mess.”
I finally look at her again, expecting to see disgust on her face but there’s compassion there and a determination in her strong stance that makes me hate myself even more.
“You should go,” I tell her. “Go back to Polaris. I’ll tell everyone I lied, that I was mistaken about you being my mate, and you can live your life without?—”
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you, Theodore.” Orix’s voice slithers through my thoughts. “I told you that we needed her for the next phase of my plans and you’re not going to let her go. You will make her stay or your mother will pay dearly.”
For the first time, I hesitate to put her life above all others. It’s not just about my mother or me anymore. There could be consequences for Estee and?—
“You’re always worrying about the wrong things.” Orix sighs. “I thought this would be fun, but you’re more pathetic than I already knew.”
“Why would you keep the bond from us if you want Estee to be here?” I ask, hating that I’m always too many steps behind him.
“Because I could.” His chuckle is dry. “Though it hasn’t been near as fun as I’d hoped to mess with your emotions. So, let’s move along, shall we? You’re going to convince Estee to stay, she’s going to know the two of you are mates, and then you’re going to give me my heir. Only then will you be free.”
“No.”
I can hear Estee’s voice trying to break through to me, but I can’t listen to her right now.
“No? Don’t forget your place, Theodore. I’ve given all of this to you and I’ll take it away just as swiftly.”
When Orix told me he wanted me to find my mate and have an heir, I didn’t believe he meant to take the child from me. Maybe that was foolishness on my part. I should have questioned things more, but the manipulation I’ve lived…it’s broken me.
At least until Estee.
Whatever reason Orix needed me to have a child with my mate specifically, he just did me a favor because I’m finally thinking clearly.
“Go ahead, Theodore. Allow yourself to believe that you have the upper hand here. Try to stop me from getting what I desire and see what happens. I think I just might enjoy this game after all.” His haunting laughter echoes through my mind, making my body recoil.
A stinging slap across my cheek jolts my consciousness and as my vision focuses once again, Estee is standing in front of me. Her golden eyes are wild with fury and she’s breathing hard.
“Damn it, Theo. What is happening?”
Looking at her breaks my heart. I have to finish telling her everything and convince her to stay while also wishing she’d go because keeping her this close to that vile creature feels wrong. Yet, I know I have no other option. At least for the time being.
“I’m so damn sorry, Estee. I was only trying to protect my mother. I didn’t realize what he wanted, what he was capable of and now…”
“What are you talking about?” she demands, her nails digging into my forearm as she glares up at me.
“Orix,” I finally say his name. “He was just in my head. He’s the reason you’re here. He told me that if I found my mate and we had an heir that I’d finally be free of this mess. I didn’t question why any of that mattered. I only focused on the thought of being free. Until I met you, you were nothing more than a means to an end for me, but everything has changed now, Estee. You have to believe me. I won’t let him hurt you or our future child.”
She shakes her head and frowns. Her gaze locks onto mine full of sympathy, but as the words leave her mouth, I know it’s not the kind I’m hoping for.
“Theo, I don’t think we’re mates.”
My hands tremble as I reach for her face. “Orix said he was blocking the connection. You are mine. I know it with all my heart.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, her voice soft like I might break at any moment. “You’ve been through a lot and maybe he has been blocking me from feeling the bond, but he could just as easily be making you feel something that isn’t real.”
No. She can’t be right. Estee is my mate. She has to be. My heart knows and my wolf…there’s no way what I’ve felt these two days have been fabricated.
Yet, even as I think the words, I know she could be right. I just don’t want to admit it, not even to myself.
“I’m sorry, Estee.” My voice cracks and my heart shatters. “I don’t know what’s real.”
I should let her go, but if I do, what will Orix do to her? Will her fate be even worse than being coerced into staying with me? I don’t know, but I need to find my way through this mental upheaval and figure this out before it’s too late for the both of us.
Though, it’s like I’m standing in quicksand. Any movement I make just might be the end of everything I thought I knew. Up, down, right, wrong. Nothing makes sense any longer and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.
“This is where you belong and I want you to remember just how quickly I can break you before you get any grand ideas of trying to defeat me. All you need to do now is make her stay.”
Orix’s presence is gone just as quickly as it comes and when I focus back on Estee, more confused than I’ve ever been, her eyes are wide and she’s gasping for air as she holds tighter to me.
“Mate.”
The single word falls from her lips, just as I’ve been hoping it would, but there’s no joy in my heart any longer.
Not when I know all of this might be a lie.