6. Chapter Six
Chapter Six
18 years old
T he day I left for uni was anticlimactic. I’d sort of pictured this dramatic farewell with Axel, but he was working today, and Cooper was too, so we’d said a very perfunctory goodbye yesterday.
Mom and Abbie had given me some money to put towards a car, and along with what I’d made selling knitted nesting material on Etsy for the last year, I’d been able to get enough together to buy my little blue Ford Fiesta.
Abbie had spent the entire day yesterday batch cooking, so I had a freezer box in the boot filled with food; I’m sure I wouldn’t look like a total weirdo rocking up to my hall’s accommodation with a month’s supply of meals.
Once I’d said my farewells to Mom and Abbie, I was just climbing into the driver’s seat when I heard someone yelling my name. Cooper.
He ran towards me and wrapped me in a big hug. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure if I’d get away in time,” he said, clearly out of breath. Cooper was two years into his apprenticeship as an electrician, specialising in delivering electricity to the dens in local towns. School might not have been his place to shine, but he’d been thriving in this role; I was proud of him.
“I thought you were working,” I mumbled into his big sweaty shoulder.
“I was. But I told Jack you were leaving today, and he let me nip out for an hour.”
I was oddly touched. Cooper and I weren’t especially close. We were total opposites, never really able to find common ground but we did love each other.
“Be safe, okay? And call me. I know we don’t… I know we aren’t really good at that. But I want to hear how you’re getting on, okay?” he said, and I felt my eyes pricking with hot tears.
“Yeah, Coop. I’ll call. And I’ll be back for Christmas.”
Cooper kissed the top of my head and let me go so I could get into the car. As I drove away from the only place I’d ever called home, to a city on the other end of the country, I glanced in the rear-view mirror to watch as my mom, Abbie and Cooper slowly became dots on the pavement.
It was only once I’d passed the town sign that I pulled over and sobbed.
I lied to Coop that day. Not about calling; I did do that. Once a fortnight, I’d call him, and we’d make small talk for half an hour. It was nice. I didn’t come back for Christmas that year, though.
I had a bit of a whirlwind romance during my first term. Bennett and I met during fresher’s week. His dorm was on the alpha floor above mine. We’d slept together within a few weeks, and it was mostly good. Bennett smelled nice, and he was kind to me. He was funny, and he loved showing me off to his friends, which I definitely enjoyed. I hadn’t invited him to spend my heat with me, though; it felt too soon, and when he asked me to join him for his autumn rut, I’d declined and said I wasn’t quite ready for that step yet. But then he’d asked me if I’d come and spend Christmas with him and his family at a ski chalet in the French Alps, and it seemed rude to reject him twice in one day. Also, it was a good excuse not to go home and have to see Axel and Lauren making heart eyes at each other.
Leaving home had been good for me. I’d made lots of new friends, I loved my course and I was finally becoming my own person, finally thriving instead of just getting by.
Early on Christmas morning, when Bennett was still fast asleep in the bed next to me, my phone started to buzz with an incoming call. I crept out of the room as quietly as possible when I saw Axel’s name flash up on my phone.
“Sorry. One sec,” I whispered.
I grabbed my big puffy coat and put it on, along with some snow boots, before I stepped outside onto the balcony; the freezing cold air immediately made my nose turn to ice.
The chalet looked out onto the snowy mountain and with the sun still rising, the light slowly crawled up the face of it, making the ice glitter.
“Hey,” I said.
“Merry Christmas,” Axel replied.
“Why’re you up so early?” I asked. Not entirely sure of why I was acting like this was perfectly normal. I hadn’t exchanged a single word with Axel since I’d left home three months ago.
“Couldn’t sleep.”
“Where’s Lauren?” I dared to ask.
“At her parents. You’re… Coop said you were spending Christmas skiing with a… friend.”
“Boyfriend, Axel. I’m here with my boyfriend; he’s called Bennett,” I said.
“Right, yeah. Cooper mentioned that. He makes you happy, Dyl-pot?”
“I’m not a kid anymore, Ax. I’m not your Dyl-pot. And yes, he makes me happy. I’ve got to go; everyone will be up soon. Have a good Christmas.” I hung up the phone before he could reply and took a deep breath of frigid air in an attempt to unknot the ball of anxiety in my stomach.
“Hey babe, what’re you doing out here?” Bennett asked, sliding the door open and joining me on the balcony. His face still looked soft from sleep as he squinted down at me.
“Coop called me,” I lied.
“Oh, that’s nice. You want a hot chocolate? We can stick on a terrible hallmark film until the others wake up.” Bennett gave me one of his endlessly kind smiles that I tried to return, and I told myself that there was no reason in the world I couldn’t be perfectly happy with him. No reason at all.
“That sounds perfect.” I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cold but soft lips. Trying to shove the memory of Axel’s voice into the locked box inside my brain where all things Axel lived now.
Shit, I’d lost track of time. I’d spent the entire day holed up in the library, and I was due to meet Bennett at his place in ten minutes.
Stuffing my books and laptop into my backpack, I made a dash for it, only to be met with torrential rain outside. Excellent. I ran across the car park and dived into my little Ford already soaked through.
By the time I made it to Bennett’s place, I was fifteen minutes late and closely resembled a drowned rat, with my curls frizzing in every direction imaginable.
“What happened to you?” Bennett asked when he answered the door.
“Got side-tracked on a project, and then the heavens decided it was time for another flood, apparently. Got a towel handy?”
Bennett returned with a fluffy white towel, and I scrubbed it over my head.
“Want to go out for dinner or order in?” he asked.
“Mind if we order in? I’d have to go home if I was gonna be seen in public.” I kissed him quickly and headed for the sofa where a big cosy blanket was calling my name.
“Pizza?”
“Good with me.” I smiled. One slightly annoying thing about Bennett was that he never seemed capable of making a decision on anything without a large degree of consultation.
Once he’d ordered—after checking what toppings I wanted despite the answer always being ham and mushroom—he came and joined me on the sofa but at the opposite end with a serious expression on his face. Eyebrows drawn together like he was deep in thought.
“What’s up?” I asked when he was taking too long to find his words.
“Umm. So… you know my rut is coming up soon?”
My stomach dropped. Fuck. I should have seen this coming.
“Mhmm.” The sound came out a few octaves too high to sound anything but mildly alarmed.
“Well, we’ve been together for over six months now, and I was hoping you’d spend it with me?” He fiddled with the corner of the blanket nervously, and I swallowed.
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but sharing a rut or my heat is a big deal to me, and I just don’t feel ready for that yet. I’m sorry.” I chewed on my bottom lip, watching as his face dropped and he got that ‘kicked puppy’ expression.
“You’ll be ready one day, though, right? With me?”
I wondered briefly whether if he’d left me with the out, hadn’t added the ‘with me?’ if I’d have taken it. But his question forced me to admit a truth that I’d been avoiding. I had a great time with Bennett; he made me feel special and desired in a way that was new to me, but I couldn’t give him what he wanted, and it wasn’t really fair to either of us in the long run.
“I really care about you, Ben. But… I don’t think so. Not in the near future, anyway. If you want that with someone, you shouldn’t let me get in the way.”
His eyes went glassy, and he looked away from me as he sniffed.
“I shouldn’t have asked you. This isn’t what I wanted,” he said quietly, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.
My stomach churned with guilt as I watched him trying to fight tears, his eyes getting red. I couldn’t do this; I needed it to be over.
“I know,” I replied, barely above a whisper. “But it’s probably for the best. You’re a great guy, Bennett; the right omega will be lucky to spend their heats with you. It’s just…” I gulped. “Not me. I’m sorry.” And I was. What business did I have breaking hearts when my own had never recovered?
Bennett nodded his head and wiped his eyes once more.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do next. I hadn’t eaten all day, and he’d already ordered me a pizza, but how fucking awkward is it to eat pizza with someone you’ve just broken up with.
In the end, I decided that it was best to get out of there and grab something to eat on the way home. “I’m gonna go, Ben. I should give you some space.”
Also, I would like to no longer sit here awkwardly.
After an uncomfortable, stilted hug, I got out of there and headed back into the rain.
I knew I’d miss Bennett but there was a slight relief to breaking up. Despite working quite hard to avoid thinking about it, guilt always lingered over the fact I loved someone else even when I tried not to.
I liked Bennett a lot, but did I love him? Not even a drop in the ocean compared to what I felt for Axel, and wasn’t that a gut punch?
I didn’t update anyone back home except Adam, but he was on the other side of the country. Even on my fortnightly calls to my Mom and Cooper, I kept up pretences, not wanting it to get back to Axel that I was alone when he was inevitably preparing to become den mates with Lauren. It was too sad and depressing to picture, so I kept it to myself.
“You won’t be home at all over summer?” Cooper asked the month before I was due back.
“No, I’m literally going to be shoving all my things into storage and then going straight to Italy before I come back here for second year,” I explained.
On a bit of a whim, I’d applied for a short story competition, the winner getting to spend two months on a writing retreat in the Italian countryside. I couldn’t wait.
“Oh, okay. I miss you, Dyl. You’ll come home eventually, right?”
“Of course, I promise I’ll be back for Christmas this year,” I said, and I decided then that I’d keep that promise. I could only avoid home for so long and I did miss my family. Maybe by the time I finally made it back to Foxwood Hollow, I’d be over Axel. Maybe pigs would fly also. Anything was possible.