Chapter 18
COURTNEY
I wasn’t sure what to make of things. It had been a little over two weeks since Flynn moved out of his own bedroom to give me space to work through everything. To be honest, it felt as though it should have taken longer for me to figure out what I wanted. In all honesty, I knew before I walked away from my husband and went to hide in his bedroom that day. The thought of walking away from him hurt me in a way that Beckett pushing me away never did.
That realization brought on a whole slew of issues though. How was I supposed to trust myself, my judgement, or perception of things when I’d been so wrong - for so long - about Beckett? I agreed to marry that man and I had no problem living across town from him while we were together. I couldn’t imagine not living with Flynn.
That wasn’t entirely true. I didn’t have to imagine it, because although we shared a house, we were rarely in it at the same time. If we were, it was usually when we were asleep in separate rooms. I’d never felt lonelier in my life than I had the past two weeks without Flynn’s big presence to fill the empty spaces. I had always loved and respected him, but I was beginning to think that my feelings for my husband ran much deeper than that. If only he were around for me to tell him.
“You look lost.”
I startled and turned to see Hadley standing in the door of my classroom. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were there.”
“Obviously. What’s on your mind, bestie?” If only my sigh could be translated into words. “Still living in an icebox at home?”
Okay, maybe my best friend could translate my sighs. “Yep.”
“Have you tried to approach him? He told you he wanted to respect you enough to give you space to work through things.”
“It’s hard to approach him when he’s never around.”
“What do you mean?”
“I only know he’s been home to sleep because things are moved around by the time I wake up in the morning. Otherwise, it’s like I’m living in that house on my own.”
“You guys don’t even eat dinner together?” Hadley’s shock made me feel even worse about the situation. It wasn’t normal, even for two people who supposedly needed a little space to figure things out.
“You don’t think he’s hooking up with other women, since you two aren’t really a couple, do you?”
“I didn’t until now. What do you mean we’re not really a couple?”
“It seems like you went back to the marriage being just an arrangement.” Hadley shrugged her shoulders as if to say it was pretty obvious to her and should have been to me.
“Oh my God! Is that what we’ve done? That’s not what I wanted.”
“Maybe he thought you decided your marriage was in name only, since you’ve basically kept to yourself. Did you two ever discuss what your arrangement would look like before the wedding?”
“Not really. I assumed we would have a normal marriage, or as close to one as possible under the circumstances.”
“But you never clarified that you were supposed to remain exclusive, and not have hookups with other people, while you were married for convenience sake?”
I wanted to strangle my best friend. “Why didn’t you bring up these questions before I said, “I do”? I thought we would both live up to the vows we took. What if he’s been screwing other people? Do I even have the right to be angry about it?”
“Of course, you do. I’m sorry, bestie. I didn’t mean to send you into a tailspin.” Hadley sighed and then offered me a pitiful version of a smile. “It’s half day, and you don’t have another class, why don’t you take off and go have a conversation with your husband?”
“I’m supposed to stick around and do planning and enter the kids’ grades into the system.”
Hadley gave me a look that said she knew better. “We both know you have already done those things, so stop being a coward and go figure out where you stand with your husband. If nothing else, you deserve to know if he thinks you have an open relationship right now.” She turned to leave, but I heard Hadley as she muttered, “Can’t believe you didn’t think that one through before it smacked you in the face.”
The sad reality was that I could believe it. Hadn’t I been just as willfully blind when it came to Beckett? Maybe there was something in the Robeson genetics that made me completely stupid and blind to the world around them. There really was no other explanation for why I seemed to lose my mind and forget the important things, or overlook the obvious things that should have tripped my red flag triggers.
I grabbed my bag, locked up my classroom, and took off to the parking lot without giving it another thought. Once I was in my car, I noticed the time and the grumble of my stomach let me know it was lunch time as well. I pulled into my favorite Deli and grabbed some food and a couple drinks to take with me. If nothing else, maybe Flynn and I could have a lunch together and at least set a time to talk about the important stuff after the work day concluded for him.
Jeff wasn’t at his desk when I got off the elevator on my husband’s floor. His office took up the entire floor of one of the few high rise buildings in our downtown area. It felt a little too big city to me, considering we didn’t even live or work in Atlanta. Still, I plastered a smile on my face and marched past the reception area where Jeff would normally be stationed, and straight down the hallway that led to my husband’s office and several conference rooms.
As I got closer, a woman’s voice rang out loud and clear and set off alarm bells in my mind. No. He wouldn’t be carrying on an affair at the office, would he?”
When I got closer, and saw the blinds to his office were opened, the threat of seeing him engaged in a sexual encounter with another woman subsided. Then, I heard something that set my nerves on fire. My husband laughed. When I got close enough to be able to see inside his office, his head was tipped back and his throat worked with the movement.
The worst part was, there was a gorgeous blonde perched on a chair that had been pulled around so close to his own that their arms touched as they moved. It was only then that I noticed they had take-out containers spread all over his desk.
He was having a cozy lunch with a woman who looked at him as though he hung her own personal moon in the sky. The empty feeling in the pit of my stomach was back and it was all my fault. Hadley had been right. If I hadn’t been such a damn coward, I wouldn’t be standing in the hallway watching my husband and another woman look so damn comfortable with each other. He laughed again and my heart sunk right into that gnawing void in my stomach. He seemed happy with her. I had barely seen my husband in weeks, and when I did, he certainly wasn’t smiling, let alone laughing in such a carefree way.
I turned and walked back toward the front of the office before either of them noticed me lurking. When I got to the front desk, the weight of the Deli bag in my hand finally registered and I tossed it in the trash beside the front desk along with our two drinks. He wouldn’t miss the lunch I brought, considering he had one of his own with a woman who made him happier than I ever had.