A Heart Worth Gambling (Secrets and Desires #1)

Prologue

FOURTEEN YEARS EARLIER

Jarrell

“Boss, there is a woman at the front gate by the name of Connie. She is insisting they let her in,” Jeff, my head of security, informs me, as he cautiously slides through a crack in the door of my home office.

With a groan, I put aside the mountain of paperwork I have been sifting through for hours and pull up the security cameras to the front gate on the screen next to me.

A lump forms in the back of my throat as I stare at the woman filling every inch of my computer screen.

My actions caused her to leave five years ago, and here she is standing at the hood of some worn out car arguing with my security to let her in.

“Let her in,” I say, nodding to Jeff.

Returning the nod, he tells the security guards to let her in.

Standing, I brush my suit clean with my hands. This paperwork can wait. By the time I make my way to the front door, she is just getting out of her car. My heart still skips a beat at the mere sight of her. After what I did, I know she’s not here to see me. Not even in the slightest.

“Jarrell,” she murmurs softly, not making eye contact.

“What are you doing here, Connie?”

Her eyes connect with mine, searching for the same feeling I saw flash across her eyes the moment I said her name. She wasn’t expecting it. I always called her Liz. It was short for her middle name which she liked a lot more than her given name.

“You’re looking good. I take it you’ve been getting along well these years.”

“Cut the sh-” I catch my words before they leave my mouth, when a little girl runs up to her, clinging to her leg. I assume, by the way she looks, this must be her daughter.

I give her a soft smile as I crouch to her level. The resemblance this little girl has to my mother is remarkable.

“I’m Jarrell,” I say, taking a quick look at Liz as I say my next words. “But you can call me Jay, if you’d like.”

She stares at me for a long while before looking to her mama, who gives her a small nod, before she grabs my hand, shaking it quickly. “Can you tell me your name?” I ask her, keeping my voice as soft as I can.

“Payson,” she whispers, barely loud enough for me to hear. I straighten, catching a glimpse of Liz watching me intently.

“She is named after your…”

“My mother,” I say, cutting her off. My reaction clearly outweighed my curiosity as Payson stares up at me with furrowed brows. Taking a deep breath, I run a hand through my hair, looking up to the sky before turning back to her.

“Payson, would you like an ice cream?” She nods, taking my hand as I lead her to where Jeff is propped against the far corner of the porch. “I need to talk to your mom about grown up things for a moment.”

Liz hesitantly walks closer to me as we watch Jeff lead her inside the house. “He’s the head of my security, and the safest person for her to be with.”

“I know. That’s why I need you to do something for me,” she asks subtly, walking toward her car. She reaches through the window and grabs a thick envelope.

“This contains everything you should ever need for her. Her birth certificate, shot records, a letter for her when the time is right, and a letter to you.” Her hands start to tremble, as tears fill her eyes as she hands me the envelope.

Looking back and forth between what is now in my hands and the woman who once held it, I am beginning to understand. I shake my head, stepping closer to her. She looks up at me, our noses near about touching.

“Don’t do this, Liz. She needs a mother in her life, you of all people should know what it’s like to grow up without one,” I whisper to her, letting the harshness laced in my tone appear.

She places her hand on my chest. “I don’t blame you, Jay. If the outcome had been different…” she says before giving me a firm push and making a break for her car.

Anger surges through me as she takes off speeding down the drive, out the front gates, and out of my life forever. Taking every part of me that was still alive with her.

Opening the crumpled-up envelope, I pull out the contents, starting with the letter addressed to me.

Jarrell,

There are a thousand different ways I planned to go about telling you.

None of them looked like this. This isn’t fair to you, I know, and it sure isn’t fair to her, but it’s the only way I know how to do it.

I know the name might come as a shock to you. I chose it on purpose.

She has your mother’s eyes. I noticed that the first time she looked up at me like she already understood more than she should. I can’t help but wonder if that means she’d grow up feeling everything as deeply as your mother did. The same way you do.

She is gentle in a way the world doesn’t deserve, and stubborn in a way that can only resemble her father.

You can give her the life we always dreamed about; safety, stability, and a future that won’t be constantly slipping through her fingers.

I can’t.

This is the last thing I ever wanted to do.

She doesn’t know who you are and I am asking you, selfishly, not to tell her. Not yet.

She will already grow up knowing I left her. She doesn’t need to grow up knowing you chose to.

That’s why, when she is old enough to understand that none of this was her fault, there is a letter in here for her.

Take care of her.

Love her enough that she will never question where she belongs.

Even if I am the reason, she will.

Liz

My knees threaten to buckle when I realize what I’m holding in my hands. It all starts to make sense.

Payson Elizabeth Reith.

Named after my mother. My name is printed on the line just below Payson’s.

Seeing it there hits me like a hammer straight to my chest. I never knew Liz was pregnant.

I’m not sure what the outcome would have been at the time if I did.

Liz hated me. She couldn’t stand to even look at me for what I had done and reading it in her letter only clarifies it.

I hear Payson’s soft voice drifting from inside the house, making this ache in my chest grow deeper. I’m not sure how I am supposed to protect my own daughter from the pain this is about to cause. What have I done?