A Lost Light (The Bestiary #4)

5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Elijah

I looked down, watching my… fingers… as I moved them, closing and opening them, rotating my hand to look at the back and the front. I hadn't had real, tangible hands in over a century.

I drew in a long, slow breath, held it, then silently counted to ten as I breathed out, the way Dyre had taught me. It felt strange. Air rushing through my nostrils, expanding my lungs and belly, then rushing out again. Sometimes I could hear my heartbeat. Feel the gentle—or not so gentle—thud, thud, thud, thud…. Panic attacks were not enjoyable. The breathing helped prevent that from happening again, the way it had a few days ago, when I first woke up.

“Elijah?” Andy's voice sounded different with ears. And a head for the sound to echo around in. I turned to look at her as she sat down beside me on the bed, stunned as usual by how her colors were different too. Everything was more vivid now. Brighter. More detailed. Her hair was so green. Her skin was so warm-toned and flushed with life.

I tore my attention away from the texture of the freckles across her nose, and tried not to get fixated on the intricate flecks of color in her gray eyes. “Yes?”

My voice was deep. Solid. No longer wavering and hollow. I tried to remember whether it was similar to my voice in my previous life, in my original body… but that was so long ago I couldn't be sure.

Andy rested her hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze. The sensation was strange. Everything was so strange. Soft cotton against my skin. Sweatpants. They hadn't existed the last time I owned a body. I had tried denim and cotton trousers since waking. But the feel of them was wrong, too much roughness against my new skin.

“How are you doing?” Andy asked, one corner of her mouth quirking upward in a wry look.

I realized my hands were still held in the air where I had been examining them. The posture must look ridiculous to a living person. I quickly dropped them, letting one rest on top of hers, sandwiching her fingers between my hand and the soft cotton sweatpants. “I am… well. I apologize for acting oddly.”

She huffed a laugh. “You have nothing to apologize for. I can't even begin to imagine what you're experiencing right now. I just… I worry about you, you know?”

I nodded. I did know. Dyre said the body had accepted my soul much easier than he had expected. There was no pain. A bit of tingling and numbness at first, but that faded as my soul became acquainted with its new vessel and the body… woke back up. But then things began to feel overwhelming. The necromancer was quite direct in warning me about the possibility of this whole experience driving me insane.

I wasn't technically alive. Dyre said I was more of what he would classify as a revenant. An animation, but different than his usual creations. It was likely that my life was tied to his now. That I would die again, for good this time, if Dyre expired.

But I couldn't be upset by any of that, because for the first time ever, I could feel the warm press of Andy's skin against mine. I could see with living eyes—or close enough. I could hear with living ears. I could experience life alongside the strange group of people I had come to love. Even if they still weren't sure of me.

A soft wash of magic caught my attention, and I glanced at the door on the opposite side of the room as Hasumi flowed into my new bedroom. The water weaver didn't walk, they glided. As if their feet barely touched the earth. It was something I hadn't fully appreciated in my ghost form, probably because I floated everywhere myself. But these days I walked. I strode . My steps were solid and so much heavier than before.

Hasumi didn't seem upset that I had just gotten distracted staring at their graceful feet in their soft soled shoes. I dragged my gaze upward. When I met their lovely turquoise eyes, the water weaver was smiling faintly. “Hello, Elijah.”

I smiled softly in return, sensing the gentle feeling of calm and wellbeing the water weaver was sending out. “Hello, Hasumi,” I said evenly. “Thank you, but really, I'm doing perfectly well. You don't need to trouble yourself.”

They had been checking in on me several times a day for the past few days, ever since I was resurrected. I didn't mind. I knew they were looking out for my wellbeing, checking on my mental state. But I also acknowledged that this was best for everyone around me.

I could feel my angelic magic returning day by day. Dyre said… he said that I could be quite dangerous if I were ever to become violent, given my angelic nature and the strong magic that he had used to bring me back to life. And the last thing I wanted was to get upset and become a danger to anyone. Especially not after I had worked so hard to help Andy save them all.

Hasumi sat down on the bed next to me, crossing their legs and planting one hand on the bed behind me, their arm brushing my wing as they turned a bit to face me. “You are doing perfectly well,” they said in their beautiful voice. Ghost hearing really hadn't done the sound justice. Hasumi was like a siren, luring you in when they spoke, making the world narrow to just them, and them alone. “But you don't have to try so hard to hide your feelings,” they continued, reaching out to touch my cheek with their free hand.

I felt my new skin flush at the attention. For some reason, Hasumi liked to touch me. Little, glancing caresses of those long fingers, like they were making sure I was still real. I definitely didn't mind. Being able to experience touch was a dream come true. But I wondered why they felt the need. Regardless, they seemed to sense how overstimulated I could become, and their touch was always a perfect balm, ghosting over my skin like they knew exactly how much was too much, but also how much I craved the contact.

Andy chuckled and I dragged my attention away from the physical sensations. Again. “Apologies,” I murmured, looking down at my foreign new hands once more.

She just squeezed my knee again, then turned toward me the way Hasumi was. I felt… enfolded between them. Held by their attention. I was so used to fading into the background, going unnoticed. Being the center of attention was as strange as everything else. But I quite liked it. At least like this.

The others… they were all still wary of me. Not that I could blame them. What we had done—what I had become—was unnatural. My people would call it blasphemous. But I couldn't find it in myself to regret being alive.

“Don't apologize,” Andy said, humor lacing her rich voice and her gray eyes twinkling. “Hasumi has that effect on all of us. Those hands are magic.”

I felt my cheeks heat up again. Blushing. Another strange sensation. I sighed. “I feel like a bumbling child.” Then I recalled what Hasumi had said about hiding my feelings. “I'm not trying to hide how I'm feeling. I simply… don't know what to feel.”

Hasumi nodded, their silver hair falling over one shoulder as they regarded me. They withdrew their touch, and I mourned the loss, then chided myself for being so needy. The water weaver smiled softly, probably sensing every emotion that passed through me at their actions. “It is natural,” they said gently. “Anyone would have difficulty identifying their feelings when they are feeling so much all at once.” Those turquoise eyes moved to meet Andy's gaze and Hasumi shrugged one graceful shoulder. “Everything feels new and bright to him. He is processing so much—physical sensations and emotion.”

They cupped my cheek again, forcing me to meet their stunning eyes. “There is no shame in that, Elijah. If anything, you are to be admired. Your composure and your resilience is surprising. But do not hesitate to ask for whatever you need to make things easier for you. I am here for you. As is Andy. As is Dyre; though it may be hard for you to read him, he really does care for your wellbeing. The others as well, though they are still processing all that has happened. You are not alone in this strange new life.”

I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight and my eyes stinging as tears welled up. Oh, no. Now I was going to cry. How unseemly. And yet… how new! “I'm sorry.”

I wasn't even sure what I was apologizing for. Being weak, I suppose. Angels didn't exactly shun all emotion. But they certainly encouraged stoicism, especially when others were around to witness our less than god-like show of emotions. It ruined the holy image they wanted to sell to others.

Hasumi's soft smile didn't waver as they brushed a thumb under my eye, wiping away the tear that had escaped. “Welcome back to being alive, Elijah. It is often a bit messy and difficult to navigate, even for the seasoned among us.”

Andy gently slid an arm around my waist, under my wings, and pressed her plush curves against my side in an awkward sideways hug. “You tell us what you need. Always. Fuck, I'm so glad this worked. I'm so glad you're here so I can squeeze the hell out of you!” she said, doing just that.

I chucked at her words. Always irreverent and sincere. My sweet, perfect witch. My arm came to rest over her shoulders, and I held her close, daring to press my lips against her soft green hair. I might be alive now, but I was walking around in a borrowed body. One that had been dead, however briefly. That could be rightfully off-putting to her. But Andy didn't seem to mind. She sighed a little and didn't pull away when I kissed the top of her head. And that small thing, too, was wondrous and new.

Hasumi patted my knee and drew away. “I'm glad to see you well, Elijah. Please, don't hesitate to ask for help. Anything you need. Anything at all.” And the emphasis in their voice let me know that they, as usual, saw more than they should. If I asked them to touch me again, would they? Would they pet me every time I craved the pleasure and reassurance of their soft touch?

Maybe Dyre's concerns were warranted. Perhaps I was just a tad mentally unstable. I held Andy tighter. I just couldn't seem to get enough of being touched. The witch was so… grounding. Her earth magic and her solid, unwavering love keeping me tethered when I felt as though I might float away and get lost in my thoughts and feelings, and the strangeness of this new body that was mine, but not mine at the same time.

My wing brushed Hasumi's shoulder and their aura reached out to mine, comforting and accepting. And in that moment, I was absolutely certain I had made the right decision. The only sin would have been to pass up the opportunity to experience this unconditional love.

A wash of magic announced a visitor as he materialized in the room. “There you are,” a sultry voice drawled from the doorway. I glanced up to find Aahil leaning against the doorframe, his golden eyes taking in the way we all sat huddled on the bed. Another new vision. His colors were so warm, so like his fiery magic. Reds, browns, and golds. Shimmering like flames. I had to focus hard to attend to his snide words.

“Not to pull you away from your shiny new toy, witch, but there's a letter for you from the outside.” He glanced between us all before his sharp, glittering gold gaze landed on mine. “You can fuck your corpse later.”

Then Aahil disappeared in a shower of sparks.

Not everyone was as accepting as Andy and Hasumi.

Andy sighed, shaking her head as she sat up. “Ignore the little asshole,” she advised me. “It's what I always do when he's in a snit.”

Hasumi tilted their head, their gaze going distant for a moment before they spoke. “Everyone expresses fear differently,” they said softly. “He is jealous of our attention. But it's more than that shallow surface emotion. Aahil knows all too well what it is like to need support and attention that one feels might be a weakness.”

I nodded as I took that in. I had witnessed the jinn's heart-rending struggles with who he had been and his concept of who he should be. I had seen him nearly destroy himself and everyone around him in the process of learning how to be whole again after the torment the witches had put him through. I didn't begrudge him some hard feelings if he was afraid I was going to steal away his safety net. Andy and Hasumi had kept the beautiful, wounded man alive. Of course he would feel threatened by their focus on me.

“I'm fine. Really,” I said again. It seemed to be my new mantra these days.

Andy stood and headed to the door, Hasumi and I following in her wake. “You're not,” our witch said pragmatically. “But you will be. And don't worry, there's enough of us to go around, so Aahil can just suck it up.”

Hasumi was shorter than I was, their body slighter and more willowy, but their hand found the small of my back as I left the room, and I felt bolstered by their quiet strength. Andy slowed and her fingers twined with mine as she took my hand.

I was not alone in this. I would figure it all out, for her. For them. I wasn't about to waste this second chance at life. At family.

This was where I differed from Aahil. I might not exactly know what I felt or how to sort through my emotions at the moment, but I had no compunction about accepting help, or expressing my gratitude for the blessings in my life.

“Thank you,” I said softly to the two people who looked after my wellbeing.

We came across Dyre in the hallway as he headed toward the stairs, probably summoned by the jinn or the boogeyman to attend to the letter as well. His violet eyes swept over my body, assessing, seeing things no one else could see as he checked his work.

When his gaze met mine, I nodded to him and repeated my words. I had lost much of my faith in any sort of higher power. But when I spoke, the words were both a sentiment and a prayer. “Thank you.”

His stark features softened just a bit, and he gave me a small, lopsided smile, making the eerie man seem far younger and more vulnerable, and revealing how genuinely pleased he was that I was still alive.

Then we all headed down the stairs to attend to whatever new emergency awaited us. It seemed even a little thing like resurrection couldn't stop the villains of the world from their work.