A Lost Light (The Bestiary #4)

20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Andy

H onestly, I shouldn’t be surprised about anything anymore. Life just got weirder and weirder around here. Every time I thought I'd seen everything, some new freaky shit popped up to prove me wrong.

Void creatures. Now there were void creatures.

At least they had agreed to leave us alone. For now. But who knew how long “for now” meant to giant energy blobs that lived in the void between realms?

I sat on the edge of my bed with a sigh, feeling useless. We couldn't go back to Magea, or to Planus. But clearly, we couldn't stay here either. Even without the threat of being devoured by void creatures, this whole pocket world thing just wasn't sustainable. I was going to run out of insulin. We were going to run out of food. The energies here just weren't sustaining for any of us.

And yet, I really didn't want to drag everyone into the stupid war that was going on outside our little sanctuary. My resentments and old grudges aside, no one here deserved to be freed from one form of enslavement in the bestiary just to be immediately used again to wage war.

They deserved peace. Happiness. We all did, damn it. It just wasn't fair.

A soft knock at my door drew me out of my childish thoughts. I could sense Elijah's warm, bright energy on the other side of the wooden barrier. “Come on in,” I said, my voice just teensy bit petulant.

He came in and shut the door behind us, giving us some semblance of privacy. “That is so strange still,” he commented, his deep voice no longer hollow, the way it had been when he was a ghost.

When I arched a brow at him in question, he grinned. “Not being able to drift thorough walls and floors, having to use stairs and doors to get to you. It’s all very strange.”

I laughed. “Oh, no, not privacy . The horrors.” Though I hadn't really minded, much. I pretty much got used to having a ghost, or a jinn, or a boogeyman, or occasionally a water weaver just pop into existence wherever I went. Privacy wasn't even a concept around here.

Elijah crossed the room to join me, sitting beside me on the edge of the bed. The glimmering golden branches of his wing brushed against me as he settled, sending warm energy through my aura. I immediately felt relaxed.

I was used to Hasumi using their emotion magic on me to help me when I was feeling stressed or sad. But this was different. More subtle and unconscious. Elijah didn't seem to ever have to try to send out feelings of comfort and calm. They followed him wherever he went.

It was more obvious to me now, after spending time in close quarters with a living angel, why humans saw them as some holy beings. If they all had the ability to radiate this presence, divinity might seem like a reasonable explanation to those who weren’t in the know.

“I wanted to see if you were okay,” he said, placing a hand on my thigh. “Today has been a bit… much.”

I huffed a wry laugh. “About par for the course around here. If we ever have a day that isn’t a bit much, I'll be worried.”

He smiled in acknowledgement. Then he looked down at his hand and removed it from my leg. “I know you tend to keep your worry and strain inside. I just wanted you to know that you don't have to do that around me.” His stunningly blue eyes met mine, so earnest. “You're a good person, Andy. An amazing witch. And your heart is so loving. If you are blaming yourself for anything bad that has happened to us since emerging from the bestiary, please, stop.”

I sighed. Elijah. Kind and perceptive as always. “I didn't want this for you. For them. To be freed only to be trapped in stupidly unpleasant circumstances all over again. I just wanted… well, I just wanted to undo some of the bullshit and suffering my stupid family caused. And yeah, I kind of feel like every time one of you is in danger, it's my fault. Because I brought you into the nightmare that is my life.”

He reached for me again, taking my hand this time, interlacing his fingers with mine. My aura hummed with the contact, loving his beautiful energy, even as I enjoyed the fact that he could hold my hand now. “I don't think any of the people you freed from that cursed book would call their current life a nightmare,” he said gently. “If you hadn't done as I asked and freed them—freed us all—I would have faded by now. I would never have been given a second chance at life. I wouldn't have a living body right this moment. And none of us would have experienced the beautiful acceptance, love, and belonging that we have now.”

He squeezed my hand. “Andy, if it had been any other witch who freed us, things wouldn't have turned out half as well as they have. Your crazy magic, your patience with people, your caring and empathy for us, even when we were at our worst—those are unique qualities.” He quirked a wry smile at me. “If I believed the rhetoric my people spew, I'd tell you you were sent to us by God. Nothing has ever felt as divine to me as the family you have helped us all build.”

I blinked at him, willing away the stupid tears that filled my eyes. “You're such a sap,” I informed him flatly.

He just smiled, warm, and beautiful, and full of love. “Maybe.”

I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Thank you. You always know what I need to hear.”

When I sat back, I found him regarding me with a strange look. He met my eyes, then looked down at our clasped hands. “I've just always felt… very in-tune with you, I suppose. From the beginning. I wish I could have helped you more, back when I was a ghost. But now that I have a body, I'll do whatever I can. No matter what you choose moving forward, I'll be there with you.”

I bumped my shoulder against his. “You helped me plenty then. You were like my conscience. And my cheerleader when I needed it. Having a physical body has nothing to do with your worth, you know.”

He nodded. “Yes. You're right. But it's easy to think that way. For so long, I felt… other. Unreal. Like I existed in a place that was removed from everyone around me, unable to really interact with the world. It has been difficult to change my mindset. And even now….” He sighed. “Well, never mind. I didn't come here to burden you with my problems.”

I turned to face him fully, pulling one knee up and folding it under me. “No. That's not how this works. You help me, I help you. I know I'm always running around, always have a million things on my mind or, you know, half a dozen louder, more demanding people taking up my attention, but you are important to me, Elijah. Tell me what's bothering you.”

He licked his lips and took a moment to organize his thoughts. I had never felt this kind of energy from my angel before. He seemed… nervous? A bit dejected, maybe?

“I still don't quite fit,” he said softly, those beautiful blue eyes flicking up to meet mine, then darting away. “I'm not a ghost any longer. But I'm not exactly alive, am I? I'm a revenant. Maybe a really skillfully made revenant, but all the same, I'm not really like the rest of you.” He huffed a bitter laugh. “I'm a necromancer's servant. One step above the mindless, shambling corpse currently guarding the courtyard.”

I took his hand again and squeezed. “You are alive, Elijah. You are a thinking, feeling, living, breathing person with a heart that beats and a soul that feels. You're nothing like the animated corpse outside!”

He didn't look convinced. “I am grateful to have a body again. To be able to fully interact with the world. It is a gift I can never repay. I know I shouldn't feel anything but elated. And yet… I'm an outsider still, all the same. And I find myself desperately wanting that to change. Selfish, I know.”

I just stared at him, a bit lost. “But… you're not an outsider, Elijah. You're one of us. You always have been. We’re all different. Some of us were born from human-shaped parents, and others just… appeared from the elements. Your body and your creation were certainly different than mine, or Aahil's, or Hasumi's, or Ambrose's, but I'd never say any of us should feel like we don't belong because of that. It's just part of who we are. We're all a family. At least… I thought that's how we all felt. I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel differently.”

He heaved a massive sigh. “I… But there are differences. Understandable and reasonable differences.”

I rolled my eyes in frustration. One of us was still not getting the point here. I wasn't sure if it was him or me. “What differences?”

His eyes met mine, and there was a sharpness there, a pained hunger that I had never noticed. “Technically alive or not, I have a physical body now. I've yearned for so long to feel the touch of another person.” He squeezed my hand as if it was a lifeline. “And I can, now. But I find myself wanting more . I want everything the others have. I want….”

I huffed a laugh, grinning at his melodramatic seriousness. “Sex?”

His broad shoulders slumped. “Don't make fun of me, Andy. I feel foolish enough as it is.”

I released his hand to cup his cheek, forcing him to turn his head and look at him. “Who says you can't have sex? Is there something wrong with the equipment?” I glanced down meaningfully at his crotch. “If so, there are other ways to have fun. Sex doesn’t have to be peg-in-hole. I'm open to coming up with creative solutions.”

He shook his head at me, looking at me as if he was trying to figure out an alien creature. “I'm fairly certain it all works. No, I… well, I assumed no one would want to be intimate with a reanimated corpse. ”

“Oh, that,” I said, feeling like we were talking in circles here.

He arched his golden brows at me. “Yes, that .”

I snorted. “Elijah. You are not a corpse. You are a person. You have a living body. I don't see you as a revenant, or a zombie or whatever you want to call yourself. Yeah, it's a little weird if you think about it too hard. But the magic Dyre performed to give you a body was so different than what he usually does. You are not an animated corpse. You have a pulse, the need for air, the ability to think and feel. You are not just some mindless meat puppet. And, I mean, just look at yourself!”

His body had completely changed over the last couple of weeks. His soul and Dyre's magic had allowed Elijah's being to reform his physical container. He was now tall and broad shouldered. Long-limbed and graceful. His features were chiseled perfection, his eyes glowed with blue fire, and his golden curls gleamed in a messy tumble around his ears and jaw. I traced my fingers along his strong jawline, where not a hint of stubble resided. “All I see is you,” I said truthfully. “Not the ghost. Not the revenant. The man who saved the others by finding me and insisting that I do what was right. And that I kept doing what was right all along. Even when I wanted to give up.”

His perfect lips parted, and he let out a shaky breath. “I want to kiss you so badly.”

I arched my brows at him. “So do it already. Geesh. Do you need a printed invi—”

He finally leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I hummed happily into the kiss, feeling our energies entwined. I had carried Elijah's ghostly presence inside myself on more than one occasion. But this was different. That had been just a mere fragment, a trace of his true essence. Now he was whole, and the powerful, gorgeous aura melding with mine was heady like sun-warmed honey with a hint of dark smoke. I curled my fingers into his t-shirt and pulled him closer, wanting to finally feel his body against my own. Elijah's hands hesitantly landed on my hips, squeezing.

When we came up for air, I stared into his glowing blue eyes. His wings were flared, and they glowed even brighter than usual, rippling with energy. “Was that okay?” he whispered. “Please tell me that was okay. I don't think I can stand any more rejection.”

I tilted my head at his words, and he froze, as if he had just realized what he said. “Oh, this all becomes clearer,” I said with a grin as I leaned back on my hand to watch him blush. He was fair-skinned, so he went bright red from his throat to the tips of his ears. “Just who was stupid enough to reject you in all your golden glory?”

He closed his eyes and spoke in a defeated tone. “Dyre,” he mumbled.

I laughed. He opened his eyes and looked at me like a kicked puppy. “It's not funny. I made a fool of myself only to be informed that it's just the 'maker's bond. He was very polite about it, but obviously the man had no interest in kissing one of his undead creations.”

I scooted closer to him, unable to keep the amusement from my voice, even as I tried for seriousness. “So, you just assumed no one would want you.”

He shrugged. “It seemed an obvious conclusion.” Then he lifted his eyes and gave me a wry smirk. “Though you do tend to be more accepting of weird situations than most.” He rubbed a hand over his face and groaned. “You're laughing at me again.”

I shook my head, but the grin wouldn't leave my face. “Elijah, Dyre is a complete and utter moron. Especially when it comes to relationships. I've seen the way you two gravitate toward each other these days. It's not one-sided. And if he's blaming it on the maker bond, well, that seems on-brand for him.”

He gave me a puzzled look. “What do you mean? The bond does influence things. I can feel that much.”

I snorted. “Yeah, well. Do you know why he wanted me to break our first lifebond? It was because he said he wanted to be sure that it wasn't influencing his feelings. That he wanted to be sure what we were feeling was our own free will, and not because of some spell.” I shrugged. “He wasn't wrong for being cautious. But these things are more complex than that. Nothing changed when we severed the bond. Did the lifebond magnify things? Sure. But I don't believe it could have invented feelings that weren't already there. And those feelings certainly didn’t just magically go away during the time our bond was severed.”

I shrugged. “I don't know much about the maker bond between a necromancer and his creations, but if I’d have to guess, I’d say it’s the same way. I'm pretty sure he never looked at any of his other creations like he looks at you when he thinks no one is watching.”

He shook his head. “I forgot how complicated emotions are when you have a physical body to amplify them. You may be right. Or not. But regardless of my feelings toward my new master, what does this whole thing mean for us. For you and me?”

I smiled. “It means whatever you want it to mean. Elijah, I know I haven't been very obvious with my affection since you got your body back. But that isn't because I’m repulsed by you. I was trying to give you space. To give you time to adjust to this staggering change without some thirsty witch immediately jumping your bones.” I winked. “I've wished so many times that I could touch you for real. You know I have. And that hasn't changed. I love you, Elijah, in any form you might take. Did you think I was so shallow I'd suddenly dump you just because your soul lives in a new house now?”

He chuckled. “A new house. I like that. I am still me. I've just… changed locales. Found myself a new home.”

I nodded. “No more talk of not belonging, okay? As for the rest, if you want me, I'm here. Happily waiting for you to decide if and when you want more.”

Elijah's smile grew sultry as he dragged his gaze over my body and back up to meet my eyes. “And if I were to decide that I want everything, right now?”

I laughed and stood to pull my clothes off. “Then you better go lock the door if you want some semblance of privacy. Or don't. Your choice.”