CHAPTER TWENTY
CHARLIE
I can feel my eyes bugging out of my head and am tempted to start ripping my hair out. What did he mean I was his ? I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is even here, and now Yuri is calling me his ! I have too many thoughts running through my head right now! All this information is coming at me too fast and is making me confused, excited, and I don't even know what else. This is all insane! None of this makes any sense.
“Yuri…” I sigh, “you don't even know me anymore. It’s been ten years and I am not that little girl anymore.” I can’t help but continue looking into his eyes as I touch his face softly. I saw the moment he let all his walls down. I finally got a glimpse of the boy I knew before, but this is too much.
My brain is overloaded and I can’t think straight. All I know is I cannot stop looking at him. I’m afraid that if I look away he’ll disappear and I’m still in complete and utter shock that he is even here.
“You look pretty little to me, Malyshka .” He laughs softly and sighs. I notice a small smile touch his lips. “There is something you need to know and understand. I need you to understand.” He takes a slow, calculated breath and keeps his eyes fixed on mine. My stomach goes warm as it swarms with butterflies. This is the part where things go bad, right?
He starts explaining, “I have been keeping an eye on you, for a long time. I couldn’t handle not knowing how you were. It took some time for me to figure out how to get information on you, but I had to make sure you were safe, that you were happy. I have been at every sporting competition, every school dance, and…” He slows down for a second, grabs my hand and looks directly into my eyes as he says, “Every graduation.” I gasp.
“Wait!” It was him! “You were at both my high school and college graduations?” I nearly shout. I am in complete shock. “I saw you! At my college graduation, I saw you! Well I thought I saw you and then thought I was crazy, but I wasn’t crazy.” I point my index finger straight into his chest. “You were there! I feel a bit better about that, actually.”
“Yes I was there.” I can see him fight the smile forming on his lips from my little tirade. “I wasn’t able to physically be there for your high school graduation, but I had someone there who let me know how it went and that you were safe. I have read every article you’ve written. I’ve been soaking up everything I have had to miss out on.”
He says this so matter-of-fact and I can't take it. I start to shake my head and can't help the tears that begin to fall. “Please don’t cry, I hate it when you cry.” he says in a tense voice.
“No!” I gasp trying to keep it together and now is when I completely fall apart. “You can’t lie to me like that! You can't say stuff like that to me!”
I place my hands on his chest to push him away, angry and sad, but he holds on to my face a little firmer, making sure to look me in the eyes as he says, “There is nothing in this world that could have kept me from you, Malyshka .”
He sighs and looks to the ceiling, smiles, and shakes his head as if I’m the silly one here. Angling his face back toward mine, he stares at my lips for a second. I bite my bottom lip and let it go leaving my mouth slightly open. His gaze shifts his gaze back to my eyes.
Leaning even closer, I can feel his breath on my face as he says, “You had to know… you had to have seen how much you mean to me… how much you have always meant to me, even back then.”
His hands are so gentle as he cradles my face and wipes my tears. Looking into his dark eyes, I can finally see what he has been trying to tell me, what he can't seem to put into words. I’ve known since I was little how important he was to me. Even as we grew older, all I wanted to do was tell him everything and spend all my time with him. That summer before he was supposed to go to high school changed us. I knew it had but I wasn’t sure if it was just me. This…this is him saying it wasn’t just me that felt it click that summer.
He was like an older brother to me for a long time, but then something started to change. He was always there for me and I for him. I knew how I felt, but I didn’t know, I couldn’t even dream that he felt the same. How could I?
I am floating, tumbling, and my heart is racing right out of my chest. The butterflies in my stomach won’t stop dancing, so I do the only thing I can think to break the silence. I look at his lips then back to his eyes and hear him take in a breath, like he knows what's coming. I have no idea who moved first but in an instant his mouth is on mine and my arms are around his neck.
I melt into him and feel his arms wrap around my waste and pull me onto his lap. A soft moan leaves my mouth as I straddle his lap scooting closer so our chests touch. We fit perfectly together and I have no idea how I made it this long without this.
Kissing him is like breathing in the purest air. He teases my lips with his tongue and I open for him. I can't help the rush of heat that goes through my body all the way down to my toes. It's like we are molded together; he’s in my blood and I’m coursing through his veins. I can't. I won’t ever let go.
How did I not know he wanted this? Wanted me? That he cared like this? I thought I was being dumb, but as we got older and grew closer, the more I liked him as more than a friend. This was not just a middle school crush. How could I have told him I loved him then? Let alone dare to dream he felt the same way!
Reluctantly, we pull away. My breaths come in short bursts and he gently rests his forehead against mine. He’s breathing just as heavily and we just sit and soak in the moment for a while. Eyes closed. I imprint this memory onto my eyelids. This is not how I pictured my day when I woke up this morning.
I open my eyes when he says, “I can't lose you, Malyshka , not ever. Do you understand?” He sounds so desperate, like he is afraid I will change my mind, and now he is scaring me.
I lift my head and look into his eyes searching for what he isn’t telling me. He doesn’t hold my gaze but looks toward the floor dejected. I’ve never seen him like this.
“Why do you think you will lose me, Yuri? What are you so afraid of?” I am so emotionally charged and overwhelmed right now. My brain can't seem to keep up. I cement my hands on his chest. He has one hand resting on my hips and the other cradling the middle of my back. I can tell we are both afraid.
The second we stop touching; the moment contact fades, it feels as if this entire moment will slip away like a dream. I don’t think that is something I can handle right now or ever, really.
“I need you to leave the city, Charlie.” he sighs, “I can’t risk them finding you or knowing about you. I don’t know how much longer I can keep you hidden from them. If they find you - ” I cut him off faster than a speeding car on the I-90 because I can see that internal wall starting to build back up brick by brick as he is speaking.
“Oh, no you don’t!” I grab his face, forcing him to look at me and shift my weight on his lap in an effort to get closer. I hear a soft groan leave his lips.
“Don’t you dare go hiding from me after everything you just said and did. Don’t you dare start back tracking now. What is it, Yuri? Who is it you’re afraid of?” I keep my hold on his face and remain in his lap. I don't want him to think he can get up and leave again. Though with the significant height difference and obvious strength he has based on the shape of his biceps, all he would have to do is pick me up, stand, and drop me on the couch. I won’t let him; we need to figure this out, together.
He sighs and rubs his face clearly frustrated, then his hands drop down to my hips holding me in place on his lap. My arms rest on his shoulders, my hands cradle his neck. “You need to leave, Charlie. I am serious, you can't be involved and I am not risking you…”
I stand so abruptly and back away from him; his eyes go wide, “No! You need to tell me what the hell is going on. I am not doing this, Yuri. You can't tuck me away and hide me from the world, and if you thought I would go along with that, then you don't know me at all!” I am so high on caffeine and adrenaline, my body begins to shake and tears well in my eyes.
Yuri stands and takes a step toward me. He has his hands raised, palms open toward me like I’m a scared animal ready to flee. He speaks and his voice catches on the first few words, “I can't lose you again and if you expect me to walk away after finally having you back, not to mention getting kissed like that, you have lost your ever loving mind!”
I have completely lost control of my emotions at this point. I can feel my heart stiffening in my chest, my stomach filling with dread, but I’m stubborn. I will not back down.
“You cannot force me to leave, Yuri!” I see the shock of pain strike his face as he takes another step toward me. I don’t back away. His strong arms pull me into him and that’s when I completely break down and cry so hard I can't breathe; Yuri just holds me closer.
“I’ll tell you Charlie, but I know you won't like what I have to say, so please promise me you will let me finish before you say or do anything. Promise me.” I look into his face and he looks so scared, serious, and vulnerable that all I can do is nod and try to regulate my breathing.
He sighs in relief and says, “Let's get you cleaned up. Why don't you go to the bathroom and wash your face. I’ll put the kettle on for some tea, yes?” I nod my head and make my way down the hall to the bathroom with a glance back at him.
“You aren’t going to leave while I am in there, are you?” I sound like a child, but I don’t really care. I’m afraid that this still isn't real. Afraid that he will disappear at any given moment and I don't think my heart could take that. Especially after that kiss.
“I’m never leaving you again, Malyshka .” he says softly. He meets my gaze for several heartbeats before I have the courage to enter the bathroom and close the door. I look in the mirror and almost cringe at the state of my reflection. My hair is a mess and my face is all red and blotchy from crying. I grab my brush to attempt getting the knots out of my lion's mane.
Running my hands in the cold water, I streak them through the curls hoping to calm the frizz that’s making my hair appear like a roaring flame rather than a mop of pristine curls and begin to braid my hair over my shoulder.
Now that I don’t appear to have fallen down a cliff, I quickly grab one of my washcloths and press the cold fabric to my cheeks to cool the warmth there. The redness begins to fade and my freckles finally start making their appearance once more along the bridge of my nose and across my cheekbones. I take long steadying breaths and begin to feel more level-headed. I take a deep breath and make my way back to the living room. Fingers crossed that Yuri didn't disappear.
I am pretty sure I am going to hyperventilate and pass out before I make it to the living room. There is way too much happening at once. What am I supposed to do with all this information anyway? My mind is racing with everything Yuri said and I feel like my world will shatter. I feel as though I will wake up from a dream and my heart will break all over again.
I take strategic breaths, close my eyes and shake the nerves out of my hands. I am going to have to suck it up because right now, at this moment, Yuri is here with me, and I’m not going to let him leave me again. I need to know and understand this entire situation. How else am I supposed to help? If I don’t calm down, I won’t know how to stay safe or how to protect Yuri, so I make my way to the couch, grab my throw blanket, and settle in getting ready for another round of story time.