15. Day 42 – Luciano
Nico grabs my shoulder. “ Luc.”
“Get back to campus, Nic.” My voice is cold. So cold, as I shrug him off and slide into my car. “I’ll speak to you tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. Maybe by then, I’ll have myself under control again.
Ready to play the part I play so fucking well.
I don’t know where I’m going. So I keep going, keep driving, those images burned into my eyes as surely as the brand burned into her skin.
In the end, there was only ever one choice. One place that I would go.
The campus gates open smoothly. A guard I don’t recognise steps forward, sees my face through the glass, and waves me through without question.
I park up in the furthest corner, my feet near silent as I walk through the forest. The branches are already overgrown, thick and sharp as they snag in my shirt and I rip them away.
The hideaway still bears the same scars as the last time we were here.
The broken furniture is stacked up against the wall, the floors swept clean. I did it myself as Caterina lay sprawled across the bed, mussed and lovely and laughing at me as I did a terrible job of cleaning up my own mess, exaggerating just to see that smile grow bigger.
If I blink, I can almost see her. Pretend that she’s here, with me, laughing and teasing and safe.
I blink. Once.
Bruises on her golden skin.
Twice.
Her brown eyes, clouded with whatever they’d given her.
Again.
The violent scarring across her chest.
I don’t know when my knees give out. I stare at that bed for minutes, hours, days. And then I’m roaring, roaring my anguish, my broken hands digging into the wooden floor as I let the guilt and fear festering inside me out.
The still healing scars on my body stretch and ache, and I welcome it, beg for it. Anything to take away the agony that drowns me at the memory of turning my back and walking away from her.
At some point, I stumble to the kitchen space. Drag a bottle of vodka from the cupboard and slump down against the wall, embracing the burn of the alcohol as it slips down my throat.
Drown it. Take it all away.
Let me breathe.
Just for tonight, I let it happen. Let myself shatter into the pieces that I left behind on that night as I crawled for them.
I failed them both.
I failed them all.