A New Leaf (Hemlock #1)

Chapter 38

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Charlie

I survived. It was a long, painfully uncomfortable day, but at least I survived.

Finn’s grandpa was a character. Shockingly, I can see why he has three girlfriends—not that I would ever admit that to Finn. The ladies gave me “hot” relationship advice to keep my man happy (their words, not mine). It was about as awkward as anyone could imagine.

I’m not sure I can ever look at whipped cream or Jell-o in the same way again.

The drive back was quiet, mainly because I needed to decompress after such an eventful social interaction. Every so often, Finn glanced over at me, gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand, which he had been holding for the entire drive. By the time we pulled into Finn’s driveway, it was completely dark outside.

We walk in silence as we approach his front porch and, when he unlocks the door, two very happy and excited dogs are there to greet us.

Finn drops his keys, phone, and wallet on the entryway table before heading towards the back of the house to let the dogs outside. I’m taking off my shoes and setting my purse down when I see a text message pop up on his phone.

Unknown number

Hey! I had an amazing time last night. Can we do it again tomorrow? I really want to see you again.

Nausea and panic sit heavy in my stomach. The blood drains from my face as I feel the anxiety creep up from my toes all the way to the back of my neck.

I said I was his girlfriend at the retirement home in front of his grandpa. How foolish of me.

Old feelings from my past relationships resurface. My heart feels heavy in my chest, torn between the hurt of the past and the optimism for a better future. The hurtful, damaging comments from years ago still hold a relentless grip on my self-esteem—pulling me into a well of uncertainty and causing me to doubt myself once again.

I let out a dejected sigh.

Of course, I was falling for Finn.

I allowed myself the grace to lower my guard around him, letting Finn demolish all those barriers that I took years to build for protection. I’m not even angry, I’m just disappointed. There’s a deep sense of self-inflicted failure sitting heavy in my heart.

With one last glance at the glowing screen, I succumb to my self-destructive behavior, hoping the words will somehow change.

Slipping my feet back into my boots and grabbing my purse, I begin to call out for Vera when Finn slips out of the kitchen and walks to me with the dogs running after him.

“Hey, do you want me to order—oh my god, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Did you get hurt?” He comes up to me and grabs my upper arms, trying to get me to look at him. Disappointment and sadness must be etched into every feature of my face, because Finn’s looking at me like I’m about to break.

I can’t look at him. I feel completely humiliated.

The need for space and fresh air is overwhelming; it feels as if I’m being suffocated with an ambush of emotions from the inside out.

“I have to go,” I whisper. Drawing in a deep breath, I collect myself before calling out for Vera again.

True to form, she doesn’t listen to me. A simple tilt of her head and an ear twitch are all I get. I’m experiencing so many levels of mortification right now, and I’m about to leave without the damn dog.

“Charlie, no, you don’t. What’s wrong? You were okay a few minutes ago. Now you’re pale and you look panicked. Talk to me.”

I make the mistake of quickly looking at him. Concern clouds his handsome features as he searches my heartbroken face for answers.

A humorless laugh escapes me as I shake my head at the situation when his phone lights up again .

Finn does a double-take at his phone on the wooden table. “What the hell?” He grabs the device, unlocks it, and rolls his eyes in disgust. “Fucking Dan,” he mumbles under his breath.

Dan? Creepy coffee-loving, inappropriate grabbing, Dan?

Then, that blue-eyed gaze is back on me with a sense of understanding. “I’m assuming you saw these, right?” He takes his phone and shows me the screen.

I sheepishly nod.

“I see.” He pauses, a slight smirk tugging at his lips. “I need to come clean because this is definitely not what it looks like.”

Here we go. If he says, We can still be friends! after he breaks off whatever this thing we have going on is, I’ll steal his damn dog.

I’ll steal his dog and open up a coffee shop across the street from him out of spite. Feminine rage has officially made its appearance.

Finally, after what feels like a decade long pause, he continues what he was saying. “Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of weird texts. I think Dan up the street sold my number because I wouldn’t give him three extra shots of espresso five days in a row because his girlfriend threatened me if I did. She told me she was going to chop my . . .”—he pauses, shuddering— “You know what? I’m not getting into that.” With a light laugh, he shakes his head. “As I was saying, in retaliation, I think he sold my phone number somewhere, and I’ve been getting these fucking spam messages a few times a day. See?” He shows me his phone screen with a few other messages with similar wording, all with no replies. “It’s one of those dumb wrong number scams. I delete and block them. I’m still plotting how to get back at Dan for this.” He swipes the message and deletes it. “I think I’ll strictly give him decaf from now on. What an asshole.”

I drop my head, my shoulders shaking from laughter at the absurdity of the situation. Finn starts chuckling too as we both stand in the cramped entryway.

Finn gently grasps my chin and tips it up to meet his gaze. “By the way, my password is one-nine-six-two—the year my mom was born. I have nothing to hide from you. Nothing at all, sweetheart.”

The amount of anxiety that swept over me in the past twelve hours is enough to last me for an entire year. Coming down from the anxiety rush, I feel my body start to relax with a wave of relief, now that the day is over and now that this little hiccup was shown to be nothing more than a silly misunderstanding. Naturally, I feel my eyes burn with unshed tears because I’m exhausted from everything—today, last week, this whole fucking year. I’m just exhausted.

Finn’s hands carefully rest on either side of my neck, thumbs tenderly caressing my cheeks. He dips his head, forcing my tear-filled eyes to look at him. The pads of his thumbs smooth across my skin, wiping away any stray tears that have fallen. Finn doesn’t pry into why I’m crying. He somehow knows intuitively and comforts me, regardless of the reason.

I begin explaining anyway. “I feel so stupid. This was a dumb thing to get upset over. I’m a grown woman standing here trying not to spiral and crying over the silliest thing. I’m so exhausted from everything.”

His brows furrow. “Charlie, stop. Don’t minimize your feelings like that. You’ve had a tough fucking year. Plus, this time of the year is even tougher for you. And this?” He releases one hand on me to grab his phone and shakes it. “You got anxious. It’s my job to ease your worries and fears, no matter how large or small they may seem. If it’s important to you, it’s important to me. Simple as that.”

“It’s not your job.” I sniffle, looking deep into his blue eyes.

“Well, that’s too bad. I want it to be my job.” He smiles. “Don’t be afraid to share every part of yourself with me. You’re safe with me. ” The way he emphasizes those last words feels as though he’s draping an emotional safety blanket over me, providing the comfort and security I need. The earnestness in his voice makes it nearly impossible to fight with him. He speaks with such sincerity and conviction that I have no reason to doubt him.

Finn’s comforting hands gently cradle my face. My eyes fall closed as I easily sink into this feeling of safety and comfort. His voice is soft and low as he tries to bring lightness to the situation.

“I mean, why would I be talking to other girls if you’re my girlfriend? You said so back at the retirement home.” That mischievous smirk of his makes an appearance that makes my knees go wobbly.

I sniffle. “You’re going to take advantage of my vulnerability and bring that up right now? I was mortified!”

“Oh, it showed. It was adorable how you stepped in when I faltered. I always knew you could help me fight my battles, partner.” He winks. “I’m really loving this team dynamic. Soon we’ll start finishing each other’s sentences. When do you think we’ll turn into that couple that matches their outfits? I give it maybe another three months.”

“Oh fuck off,” I say with a laugh, as I sniffle and wipe the tears from my eyes with my sleeve.

Finn, as usual, pulls a tissue out of his pocket and hands it to me. And I, as usual, look at him skeptically.

“It’s not used, my little weirdo.” A soft smile plays on his lips, making my heart beat a little faster. “Now, take off your shoes and coat and sit with me on the couch.”

I do as he says and pad over to the couch. Finn’s already sitting with his long legs stretched out, and when I go to sit next to him, he pulls me onto his lap, enveloping me in a warm embrace.

“You said sit with me . Not sit on me ,” I say, wriggling around to get comfortable. “Your bony knees are digging into my ass.”

“I want you close. Sue me.” As if just now registering what I said, he remarks, “And my knees are not that bony. Also, you can relax against me. I feel like I have a mannequin sitting on my lap.”

I eye him skeptically before rolling my eyes. “I don’t sit on people’s laps. I’m not a ‘lap sitter.’”

“Well, that’s a shame because you are one now.” Reluctantly, I relax my body as much as I can into his. “There, that’s not so bad, is it?” I can hear the humor in Finn’s voice.

“Sleep with one eye open tonight, Griffin.”

“You’ve got it, girlfriend .”

I let out a loud groan while his body shakes with laughter. I’m never going to live that one down.

For a moment, we sit in comfortable silence, which feels as natural as breathing. Inevitably, my turbulent mind decides that it is ready to ruin the peacefulness. A million thoughts are racing through my mind and, in an attempt to better communicate my feelings, I blurt out what I’m thinking to Finn.

“What if you’re disappointed by me? What if you find parts of me that you absolutely cannot deal with? What if I’m not enough for you?” I hate that my voice is so unsteady.

Finn’s long fingers glide through my hair, sweeping it off my neck with a gentle touch. He then moves his hand down to my back, expertly rubbing soothing circles that feel incredible after my near anxiety attack from earlier.

Finn looks at the ceiling with a contemplative look and a heavy sigh. “Murder.”

My voice doesn’t hold back from shock. “What?”

“I’m going to murder all those assholes you’ve dated for putting those awful thoughts in your head.” His voice is determined, and his eyes are calculating.

I shift in his lap to face him better, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“I need to pause the big emotional conversation for a moment,” I tell him, as I try to figure out how to say what I want to say next without offending him. “Finn, no offense, but I’m not sure a gentle soul like yourself is capable of murder. What, are you going to use the Force to kill them or wave around that lightsaber on your bookshelf?”

“Should we find out?”

“No.” I shake my head, sighing. “Of course I would end up with a huge nerd.”

“A hot nerd,” he corrects me. “Back to the bigger topic at hand. Charlie, you’re everything I’ve ever hoped for, and more. Hell, I’m not even sure I deserve someone like you.” His arms pull me closer to him, my head resting in the crook of his neck. Feelings of warmth and security flow over me again like a protective shield.

“I don’t think that’s true,” I say on an exhale. “I’m sure you can find someone who has their shit together and won’t keep stealing your pocket tissues for their random crying outbursts.”

At that, I can feel him laughing against my cheek. All of my tense muscles begin to relax. Finn’s warm body holds me tight, his woodsy cologne surrounds me, and he speaks reassuring words to ease my anxieties. My body feels like it’s wrapped up in a secure little cocoon where I can finally just rest .

A moment of silence stretches between us before Finn says, “Just like that night when we first met. I see you.” His hand is running soothing strokes up and down my arm.

“What do you mean?”

“I see the person you show your friends. I see the person you show your family . . . and I see the person you try to hide from the world.” He pauses, his voice dropping to an almost whisper. “I see you , Charlie. In every form. And I want to be with you because you’re you and no one else.”

That renders me speechless and Finn takes notice. He gives me a tender, loving kiss on the top of my head before shifting me over fully onto the couch. One hand goes up to cup my cheek as he gazes into my eyes. “Here’s the plan. I’ll order us food. You go find some sweatpants, and then I want to see you on the couch with the dogs. Okay?”

Still speechless, I nod in agreement as Finn places a chaste kiss on my lips before striding off into the kitchen to order dinner.

Once he’s out of sight, prickles begin to form in my nose as my eyes water. Finn’s words take me right back to that late summer evening with my mom on the back porch. Chills run up and down my body and my heart beats frantically in my chest.

My mom was right.

My heart knew before my brain .

Finn stumbled into my life at the most unexpected time. And Finn accepts me for who I am.

Being with Finn is daunting and terrifying, but simultaneously captivating and invigorating. It feels akin to jumping off a cliff and into the ocean. Scary at first, but once you land safely in the water, you’re hit with an all-consuming rush of relief and excitement because you tackled your fears with relentless courage.

The scared introvert in me wants to run away. However, the rest of me wants to keep going. I want to keep pushing myself because, if I don’t, I’ll always wonder What could have been? with Finn. I want to discover what can happen if I don’t close myself off.

Deep in my soul, I need to know what happens if I open my heart to him. Because being with Finn makes me feel wanted. He makes me feel loved . And if all this eventually implodes, then at least I can say forty years from now that I know what true, unconditional, insurmountable love feels like.

The kind of love where a single look is enough to read your mind.

The kind of love where simply holding hands can calm even the worst of your fears.

The kind of love where you can authentically be yourself without fear of judgment.

It’s the kind of love that only happens once in a lifetime.

Because, of course, I’m falling in love with Finn.