27. Rowan
CHAPTER 27
ROWAN
E ven with Fisher sitting there, alive and safe, if a little banged up, my adrenaline still surged through my veins like I was in the middle of a rollercoaster without a seatbelt and I had to rely on physics and sheer stubbornness to keep myself from flying off the track.
With Gil gone, I suddenly felt unmoored and I sank into the chair next to the bed. My left leg immediately started bouncing and I quickly stood back up.
I couldn’t talk about the fight or the way I felt when he took off. Or the way my chest had caved in when the hospital called me to tell me they had my son in the emergency room. The veneer of composure I wore was thin, fragile, and ready to break.
“Tell me about the earbuds,” I said. It was a safe topic. Something easy to approach my son about.
“If you tell me about Gil.” Fisher had the audacity to notice that we’d come in together, me holding onto Gil’s hand like he was the only thing keeping me standing.
“Tell me about the earbuds.” I shoved my hand through my hair, raking my fingers over my scalp to help ground myself.
Fisher glanced away, then looked down at the singular earbud he had left. “It started at the other school. Before we moved. People will say all kinds of shi—stuff to you, and around you, if they think you can’t hear them.”
Gently, I sat down on Fisher’s bed, on the side with his good arm. “And you felt you needed to play spy master?”
Fisher shrugged, then winced. “Sometimes they’d leave me alone if they thought I couldn’t hear them. Sometimes it made them louder. But it felt like protection. I know it doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t have to. We all have our own different coping mechanisms.”
Fisher glanced at me, a smirk on his still too-pale face. “Like endless home repairs.”
“It was a fixer-upper. You knew that.”
“Dad, come on. You’d come home from work, eat, then spend the rest of the night painting and whatever. I have earbuds. You have grout.”
“So all those times I thought you couldn’t hear me, you were actually ignoring me?”
“I can’t be too good. I have to give you some grief.”
I looked down at his busted arm and the painful-looking road rash on his face. “Maybe a little less grief next time, okay?”
Fisher nodded. “I’m sorry I took off. I knew when I did it that it would fu—upset you.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’ve been better, Fish. Honestly been a lot better.”
“You have to tell me about Gil now.”
“I’m not sure what there is to tell.” Gil had looked just as stricken as I’d felt when I told him about Fisher and the call from the hospital. He’d looked for my son for me. Clearly, he cared about Fisher, but that was because Gil was a good person. Good people cared about shit like missing and injured kids.
Fisher rolled his eyes. “You can tell me why if you like Gil so much, you went on a date with that other guy?”
Suddenly, I was faced with a very grown-up sounding kid. I didn’t know how to explain that Gil and I were just sex, and nothing more, though I wanted him in every single way that I could have him. And seeing him drop everything for Fisher, for me, really drove home the fact that not only did I want Gil, but I was terrifyingly in love with him.
He was patient with my son. And Fisher loved him. He’d loved him right from that first day he’d wandered up to Gil’s house and asked for help with his bike. Fisher was just a kid, and kids got attached to people easily. It was part of the reason I hadn’t dated much. It felt too risky to bring people around Fisher in case he got attached and things didn’t work out. It was also a good reason for me to not date. For years I hadn’t been interested in any of it. I’d even convinced myself at one point that I’d be happy being alone forever.
And it might have been true at that time. And then I’d met Gil Valentine.
“Sometimes, adults do things that don’t make sense for reasons they convince themselves do make sense.”
Fisher wrinkled his nose. “That’s stupid.”
Laughing, I agreed with him. “I know. It was stupid. For a lot of reasons.”
“Because you like Gil.”
“Because I like Gil.” It was impossible not to agree with him. I liked Gil. I more than liked Gil. Saying I liked Gil was like looking at an ocean and calling it a puddle. Inadequate at best, ridiculous at worst.
“So why didn’t you go on a date with Gil, instead of sneaking around when you think I’m sleeping?”
I blinked at Fisher. “Excuse me?”
“Dad, you’re not a master spy yourself or anything. I’d no sooner turn my light off and you were out the door.”
“You were supposed to be asleep.” I ran my hand through my hair again. Somehow, when I wasn’t looking, my son had grown up. He wasn’t a little kid anymore and I had to stop pretending he was. I owed it to him to be honest.
“I went out with Brian because I didn’t think Gil wanted to go out with me. Our relationship wasn’t supposed to include that. I will always miss your mom, but meeting Gil showed me that maybe I’m ready to move on. If you’re okay with that. I don’t want to rush you or do anything you’re not going to be comfortable with.”
“I like Gil,” Fisher said.
Our conversation was cut short when a doctor came in to put the cast on Fisher. He explained that they’d already taken x-rays and once the cast was on they’d take another set to make sure everything was lined up the way it should be.
The road rash on his face was superficial and should heal with little to no scarring, something Fisher almost looked sad about. To which I raised my eyebrow.
“What?” he said, obviously embarrassed that I’d noticed his disappointment. “Gil’s scar is badass.”
It was pretty hot, I had to admit. But I didn’t have to admit that to Fisher.
“You’re lucky you got off so easily. You could’ve been hurt a lot worse.” My voice wavered, despite me trying to keep it steady. But I was having an increasingly hard time holding myself together.
“I know.” Fisher’s voice was small and riddled with guilt. “I’m sorry I took off. I did it because I knew it would hurt you.”
It had been like living through my worst nightmare all over again. It was bad enough when I lost his mom. There was no way I’d have survived losing Fisher.
“You’re okay. That’s the most important thing.”
“My bike is ruined.” Fisher looked pretty devastated about that.
“I’m sure Gil will help you fix it. He said he can fix anything.” I hoped he meant it. Because now that Fisher was okay, I wanted Gil and me to be okay. My heart was full of wants and desires, of dreams for how my life could look. Should look. Because, to me, Gil belonged to us. To Fisher and to me.
In truth, I didn’t know him well. I knew he had good taste in beer and cars. I knew if it had tires, he could fix it. I knew other things about him too. Like the way it felt when he pulled me against him, and how it made me feel like he’d do anything to protect me. I knew that he was strong enough to carry me, to pin me down, and that his grip was like iron. I knew what he looked like when he was trying not to smile, and what he looked like when he didn’t think anyone was watching him.
Like the way he’d crumbled when he saw Fisher in that hospital bed.
I knew enough of Gil to know that I wanted to know more. Know everything. The story behind his scar. How he met his best friend. I wanted to know his past and to be a part of his future.
When Fisher and I returned from x-ray a second time, Gil was waiting for us. He shot to his feet when I wheeled Fisher into the curtained-off area.
Gil took a look at Fisher’s cast and his complexion turned a little green, but he managed a smile. “How’s the arm?”
“Hurts. How’s my bike?”
Gil grimaced. “Well, it’s going to take a lot of work, but I’m hoping in a few weeks, I’ll have an assistant to help me with it.”
“And my earbud?”
Gil shook his head. “No dice. Sorry, Fish.”
Fisher shrugged and said it was okay, but he looked sad about it. Of all things to be upset about, not the crash or the wrecked bike. Not the broken arm or the pain his face had to be in. He was the most upset about a pair of earbuds.
Gil reached into his back pocket and pulled out a box. “They’re not the same ones, and I still expect you to take them out when you talk to me, but I didn’t want you to go without.” Gil glanced at me, as if he’d just realized maybe he should’ve asked first. As if I’d have denied Gil anything. Or Fisher, for that matter. They had a special bond that I didn’t quite understand, and maybe I didn’t have to. Maybe it was enough that Fisher idolized him, and Gil was soft with Fisher. Patient and kind, but with an edge to him that he used to make sure Fisher didn’t get away with shit like his music-less earbuds.
It would have been easy to pass the earbuds off as something unimportant to Fisher. The way he used them was unlike how other people used them. Where most people used them for music, they’d become a sort of social shield for Fisher. And Gil saw that and respected it, even if he had drawn a boundary.
I nodded at Gil, and he handed the earbuds to Fisher, who took them with his good hand.
“After my dad signs it, will you sign my cast too?” Fisher asked. He was still pale, and his expression was tight and pinched from being in pain, but his spirits were high.
“Yeah, kid. I’ll sign your cast.” Gil reached out and ruffled Fisher’s hair, earning him a scowl.
I couldn’t take my eyes of either of them. I wanted this. Not the whole injured kid, hospital room thing, but the easy way Gil slotted into our lives. The way he liked my kid. The way he looked at me when he realized I was staring at them, not moving or breathing.
“How soon can we go home?” Gil asked. “Can’t say that I’m a fan of emergency rooms.”
“We’re just waiting for them to have a look at the x-rays they took to make sure his arm is still in place after the cast was put on. It shouldn’t be long. Thank you, by the way, for looking for him. And driving me here and getting his bike. And the earbuds and… thank you.”
“It’s fine, Rowan. It was no trouble.” Gil was pale as a ghost, more washed-out than I’d ever seen him and I realized what it cost him to be here for Fisher and me. The scar on his face was more pronounced in the fluorescent light of the hospital and it dawned on me that I still didn’t know what happened to him to cause it. Whatever it was, it had been awful, and being here with us came at cost to him.
I wanted him with me, next to me. The need I had for him in this moment was only outweighed by my conscience.
Unable to help myself, I grabbed Gil’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “We’ll be out soon. Would you mind pulling the car around?” I asked him, more to give him a break from the stale hospital air than anything. We had so much to talk about, like the fact that I’d gone and broken the rules and fallen in love with him. But all of that could wait until things with Fisher were settled.
Gil nodded and, to my shock, he leaned in. With his free hand, he cradled the back of my head and pulled me close. Pressing a kiss to the top of my head, he told me he’d be out front waiting.
When he left, I looked at Fisher, who grinned ear to ear.
“Don’t look so smug. Gil and I still have a lot to sort out.”
Fisher rolled his eyes and handed me the ear buds. “Can you open these for me?”
I tore into the box and dropped the earbuds into his hand. With his good hand, Fisher popped them out of their case and into his ears.
“You’re a menace. It’s a good thing I love you,” I told him, my heart rate at a normal pace for the first time since Fisher had taken off.
Fisher smiled wider. “Love you too, Dad.”