Chapter Six
The day of the cremation dawned inappropriately bright and sunny. Birds sang in the eaves around the coach house and the sunlight bounced off the water of the loch. It was the sort of day where the grey stone of the castle took on a warmer hue in the sunshine and the world seemed to be trying to tell Bella that all was well.
The world was wrong.
After much negotiation, mostly conducted by Flinty, it had been agreed that, as the ‘real’ funeral would be at Lowbridge a few days hence, Adam alone would accompany the funeral director on the long drive to the crematorium. Bella had overruled that in an instant and insisted that Adam would not be going on any such journey alone. Veronica had been entirely unhappy with the notion of some girl who’d just blown in going if she wasn’t, and Darcy, quite reasonably, had thought that as his wife she probably ought to have been first on the list anyway. So now all four of them were getting ready for the long slow drive to Inverness.
Bella checked her outfit – a mid-calf length black wrap dress, borrowed from Darcy, on the grounds that the wrap was the only possible option to accommodate Bella’s carb-enhanced hips – in the mirror. Adam was sitting on the edge of his bed in boxer shorts and white shirt staring at the black suit trousers draped over the back of the chair in front of him. ‘Is it silly?’
‘Is what?’
‘Getting dressed up to sit in the back of a car for four hours?’
‘Not at all.’
‘I mean he’s not there, is he. I know that. I…’ Adam shrugged. ‘It’s his last journey.’
Bella shook her head. ‘Not quite. They’re going to bring him back here afterwards.’
Adam nodded. ‘Where he will probably sit for all eternity in the back of a cupboard because no one can agree on what to do with the ashes.’
Bella rested her head on his shoulder. ‘We’ll worry about that tomorrow. For now let’s take one thing at a time.’
‘You’re right.’
‘I am. And the next thing is probably trousers.’
The hearse was outside the coach house. The coffin was in place with a wreath of blue and lilac flowers resting on top.
Darcy was standing, one hand on the glass, tears streaming down her face. Veronica was a few feet behind, staring straight ahead, expression unreadable. Adam and Bella took their places in the first of the two following cars and waited as Flinty put an arm around Darcy to encourage her into the space alongside Veronica in the second.
They pulled away, up the narrow hillside lane, across the top bridge and back down the far side of the river and into the village.
‘Should I have gone with Darcy?’
‘And left me with your grandmother?’
Adam sighed. ‘Or the other way round. Should we have separated them?’
Bella twisted to try to peer into the car behind. ‘They look OK, I think.’
‘So they’re not actually pulling each other’s hair?’
‘No. They look quiet.’
Adam nodded.
They drove largely unnoticed along the coastline until they passed the store at the far end of the village. Anna and Nina were standing at the edge of the road, flanked by Netty and Hugh, with Pavel a few steps behind his mother. They bent their heads as the tiny funeral procession drove by.
‘Have they always been at each other?’
‘Darcy and Granny?’ He paused. ‘Not as bad as this, but yeah. I don’t think my grandmother has ever been that welcoming to a new lady coming in.’
‘You don’t say,’ Bella muttered.
‘She’s not that bad.’
‘Sorry.’ Bella was supposed to be supporting him, not sniping at his family.
‘Dad was her only son. Maybe nobody would ever have been good enough.’
‘Tell me about him.’
Adam turned to look at her. ‘What do you want to know?’
‘The dad stuff. Not the laird stuff.’
She saw his face relax slightly. ‘Well he loved books and science and natural history. Happiest in his…’ Adam paused. ‘His garden.’
‘Was it him that got you into gardening?’
Adam’s face tensed. ‘He loved walking and other things as well. There was a hint of absent-minded professor about him. Darcy’s more outgoing. I think she sort of balanced him out. My mother did too, for a while at least.’
They fell silent. Bella found she wanted to keep the conversation going. The back of this car was a bubble, a tiny echo of that hotel suite in Spain. ‘Why aren’t you wearing a kilt?’
‘Sorry?’
‘I thought a Scottish laird would kilt up for this type of thing.’
He rubbed a hand over his plain black trousers. ‘I might for the actual service, but…’ He shook his head. ‘It’s stupid.’
‘Tell me.’
‘I haven’t worn the full traditional business for years and I’d kind of thought that the next time would be when I got married.’ He paused. ‘When we get married.’
Wow. ‘I haven’t really thought about the actual wedding.’
He picked at some imagined fluff on his sleeve. ‘Me neither.’
‘Except you’ve already picked your outfit.’ It was nice that he’d pictured it. ‘What else did you have in mind?’
‘I don’t know. When you said we’d do it quickly that sounded great, but then we came back to Lowbridge, and you said it could be a wedding venue, I thought, why not get married here?’
‘Would keep costs down. We could definitely give ourselves mates’ rates.’
‘I would have thought so.’
‘I don’t want a big wedding.’
‘OK.’
‘Like all those blokes you were on the stag with. I don’t want that thing where we have to invite every kid we were at school with and every friend of every family member whether we like them or not.’
He nodded. ‘So who do you want to invite?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, your grandmother?’
‘Of course.’
‘Who else?’
Bella shrugged. Who would she want there to see her promise her life to Adam? She’d been close to lots of people over the years but there always came a point where she moved on, and they moved on. She kept in touch, sporadically, with some of them, when she was in the right part of the world and there was the chance of a lazy afternoon drinking beers on a beach somewhere, but mostly she didn’t just travel light in terms of how she packed her bags. She travelled light through life. ‘I don’t know. A small wedding sounds good though.’
‘What about…’ She could see his hesitation and she knew what the question was going to be. ‘Your parents? You change the subject when they come up.’
‘Don’t have a dad. Well, I do, but don’t know where he is. If he’s still alive even.’ She shrugged. ‘Can’t miss what you never properly had, so no paternal grandparents or aunties and uncles or any of that either.’ She tried to keep her tone light. ‘I miss that bit more I think. Maybe I have a big extended family out there somewhere, but I’m never going to know.’
‘What about your mum?’
‘What about your mum?’ she shot back. It was a cheap reply.
Adam pulled a face. ‘Well, I’ll invite her. I have no idea if she’ll come.’
‘Do you know where she is?’
Adam nodded. ‘The address I’ve got for her is on Shetland. She left because she said she wanted a bigger life, and now she’s even more remote than Lowbridge.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It is what it is.’
Bella felt herself physically shudder. She hated that phrase. The passive acceptance that things were unchangeable made her feel sick. ‘Has anyone told her about your dad?’
Adam nodded. ‘Well, we’ve tried. No idea if she’s read the messages.’ He rubbed his forehead. ‘I ought to try to call her.’
‘I can do it if you want?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I should.’ He let out a deep sigh. ‘Tomorrow though. What about your mum?’
‘I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since I was about thirteen. She flitted in and out before that and every time she came back I was so excited and she’d have all these stories about what she’d been doing and where she’d been, but…’ This was the part she’d never said out loud before, the part she’d never even fully acknowledged to herself. ‘But I don’t think any of it was true.’ That was still only a half-truth. ‘I know it wasn’t. She’d been in hospital, or in some kind of rehab. Or maybe prison a couple of times. Or just off on a bender.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘She used to bring me presents from her travels. Stupid gift shop plastic tat that she probably got in Wilkos. But when you’re a kid you don’t know that do you? So I could let myself believe that this stupid key ring was from Marrakesh and this crappy little ornament was from Los Angeles or whatever she said.’
‘What did you do with the presents?’
‘What?’
‘The things she brought you – do you still have them?’
‘’Course not.’ Ridiculous idea. ‘I chucked ’em all out when I realised she wasn’t coming back for me.’
‘Do you know what happened to her?’
Bella shook her head. ‘I’m sure she’s still out there somewhere, getting high and fucking people’s lives up.’ Bella wasn’t sure of anything of the sort. Bella’s mother had always left her. She’d never stayed. She’d never been reliable. But for the first thirteen years of Bella’s life the flipside of that was also true. She’d never stayed, but she always came back. Logically Bella was fairly sure that, if the worst had happened, the news would have made it back to her and her nan eventually. She was less sure, though, which possibility was worse – that her mother hadn’t come back because she couldn’t, or hadn’t come back because she’d chosen to stay away. ‘Anyway, I had my nan and that was enough. More than enough.’ That part was as true as it ever could be. Bella’s nan was a woman worth ten of any other, and she’d taken Bella to places that her classmates in school could only imagine and had instilled in her an energy and a zest for life that she would always be thankful for. ‘I was lucky.’
‘When do I get to meet her?’
‘Soon.’
‘What did she say when you told her you were engaged?’
‘Er…’
‘Bel?’
‘I didn’t want to tell her in an email. We’ll go and see her once she’s back home.’
‘Where is she now?’
‘Somerset I think. She’ll be home soon enough though.’ Would she? Summer, for Bella’s nan, kicked off with Glastonbury and then continued in a haze of festivals, extended visits to friends, and impulse visits to goodness knows where. It was perfectly possible that her flat in Leeds would be empty until the autumn. Bella turned her attention out of the window. ‘Do these roads ever get less twisty?’
‘A bit.’
‘A bit?’ That was insane. They were going to be driving for well over two hours, possibly longer if the drivers stuck to a respectful funeral pace.
Adam nodded. ‘We’re driving right across the Highlands. It’s not exactly the M1.’
Bella stared at the continually stunning scenery outside her window. ‘Clearly. That’s OK. I mean I know it’s awful circumstances, but it’s nice to have some time together?’
He wrapped her hand in his. ‘It is.’
The days between the cremation and the funeral service fell into a pattern. Bella got used to not seeing very much of her fiancé during the day. He was up every morning before she awoke and Bella still strongly suspected he wasn’t really going to bed at all, but lying waiting for sleep until she drifted off and then getting up again and going back to work.
The first part of the night was different. That precious hour, between returning to the cocoon of the coach house and sleep overtaking Bella, was their time. That was when Adam belonged to her, and they could sail on waves of pleasure back to Spain or up into the clouds, to any place where it was just the two of them together and the world beyond them had no force. But morning always came and, when it did, Bella had to reckon with more complex feelings. She was worried about Adam, but, if she was honest, she was also jealous. At least Adam had something to do. Bella was at a loss. She wasn’t built for sitting around and waiting for her man to finish work. She wasn’t built for sitting around at all. She knew that people sometimes saw her as flakey. She moved around a lot. She loved to travel, but she always worked. She worked hard and she played hard, so she grabbed any chance to do something.
Which meant she’d done facials with Darcy, who’d been horrified by Bella’s beauty routine of ‘sunscreen, when I remember, and a glass of water in the morning’. Darcy’s reaction was especially mortifying because she’d been lying about the water.
She’d emailed her nan, three times, which was out of character from their once-a-week norm, but all the emails had been vague and non-committal. Having started off not mentioning the engagement or the barony or the castle, it was tricky to casually drop them in now.
She’d walked Dipper until the poor dog looked as though her legs were going to drop off. Together they’d stomped up the road, along the cliff, and around the castle in near endless circuits. Walking with Dipper – simply being in this spectacular, stark, beautiful place – was one of the two thing that were keeping her sane. She’d tracked every shift in the weather, the way the rain made the greens of the hillside deeper and fuller, the way the sky turned dark and heavy before a storm, the way that when the sun broke through it sent glints of light dancing across the sea. A person could spend a lifetime here and never quite see the same view twice.
The other thing keeping her sane was food. She’d cooked every time Flinty had let her, which wasn’t very often, but she’d made endless cups of tea for Adam and Veronica and for anyone else that passed her way. She was about twenty-four hours of boredom away from taking up her flask and walking to the village to press hot beverages on a wider range of innocents.
Which meant that her first Ladies’ Group meeting was unexpectedly genuinely exciting. The idea that she was someone who was excited about drinking tea with a group of practical strangers in a village lounge was concerning, but was it really that different to beers on the beach in Ayia Napa? Just a different demographic and a different drug of choice, she told herself.
Anna’s living room had the sort of homely feel Bella remembered from the very few times she’d been invited to parties with the girls from the new estate at school. Everything was neat and tidy and a little bit floral. It was the polar opposite to her nan’s haphazard decorating style of clashing colours and random ‘treasures’ picked up on adventures.
The bulk of the conversation centred around the fundraising efforts for the community hall. ‘What about a talent auction?’ Anna suggested.
‘We did one last year.’ Nina shook her head. ‘Only made ￡500, and we had all that business about Terry Halliwell bidding double for Sandra Deakin to come do his cleaning if she’d do it in the altogether.’
Bella’s jaw dropped.
Flinty nudged her. ‘Don’t look like that, love. Sandra didn’t mind.’
‘Terry’s wife did though.’
‘All right then,’ Anna brought the conversation back to the point. ‘Talent auction but we specify no nudity.’
‘Without the nudity we’d only have made ￡350. What about topless only?’ Nina grinned.
Netty whispered something inaudible to Bella. The rest of the group roared with laughter. ‘Of course it wouldn’t be compulsory,’ Flinty laughed.
‘Fine,’ Nina said. ‘Fully clothed fundraising only, but preferably something that’ll bring in more than a couple of hundred quid or we’ll be at this for decades.’
‘How much do you need?’
Nina sighed. ‘Forty grand for the roof. That’s the most urgent thing, but then really the whole place needs decorating, and it needs a new boiler, and the oven was condemned so we can’t do food in there. So I don’t know – fifty or sixty ideally.’
Right. ‘And how much have you raised so far?’
All eyes turned to Netty. She mumbled a response. Faces fell slightly.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that.’
‘About three thousand,’ Flinty supplied. ‘And we’ve been fundraising for two years.’
‘Well we had to spend some getting the big hole in the roof patched until we can do it properly. And then that window got broken so we had to board that up. People want to be generous, but money’s tight all over,’ Anna explained. ‘Nina’s right, though. We need something bigger.’
Bella was aware that looks were being exchanged between Nina and Anna, and glances were being thrown towards Flinty and herself squashed together on the little sofa in front of the window. Flinty folded her arms. ‘No.’
‘What’s going on?’
‘These two want to go cap in hand to the bloody enemy.’
‘The what?’
‘The McKenzie estate.’
Bella was entirely lost. ‘I don’t know what that is.’
‘The estate on the other side of the village. They’re big and all…’ Flinty shuddered. ‘Flashy.’
Bella stifled a giggle. Nothing in or around Lowbridge could ever be described as flashy, even the castle itself had a certain tired lived-in air.
‘They’re very successful, Maggie,’ Anna countered. ‘They do whisky tasting, and shooting parties, and all that tartan shortbread bollocks for tourists.’
‘For Americans with more money than sense.’
‘We had thought of asking them for sponsorship. They have a whole thing on their website about community engagement. Forty grand’s pocket change to Johnny McKenzie.’
‘Maggie’s dead against it though,’ Nina added.
‘I certainly am. What’s McKenzie ever done for us? Pushed the MacCellans out of their own home and fenced off a whole lot of land that’s supposed to be open to everyone. He’s a snake. I’ll have nothing to do with him.’
‘He’s a businessman.’
Netty mumbled what sounded like agreement.
‘Quite right,’ Nina agreed. ‘Maybe Lowbridge could do with a bit more of a business head at the helm after…’
The group fell silent. The fury streaming off Flinty was palpable. Nina glanced over at Bella. ‘No offence love. I’m sure your man has everyone’s best interests at heart.’
Anna nodded. ‘Of course. And have you been to the McKenzie place lately? Four quid for a cup of tea. And tartan everywhere. It’s like Disney Highlands.’
Netty mumbled a comment.
‘Well yes. It is jobs,’ Anna agreed. ‘But it’s not real is it? It’s not a community. We do need to get the hall sorted out though. So many groups have had to stop. The village is just…’ She shook her head. ‘It’s not the same without it.’
That seemed silly. Bella knew she hadn’t even looked around half of the castle yet but one thing she was sure about was that there was lots of space. ‘Why don’t groups meet at the castle?’
‘I’m not sure the dowager would approve of that,’ Anna replied.
Bella bristled. People kept saying that Adam was the laird and things were up to him. ‘Well I’m sure the laird wouldn’t mind at all.’
Nina shook her head. ‘Even so, without the footbridge being useable it’s a bit far for people.’
‘Most can drive round,’ Flinty pointed out. ‘And we could put some of the fundraising towards repairing the bridge?’
Bella glanced at her unexpected supporter.
‘It’d be nice for everyone at the moment to have a bit more life around the place.’
Back at the castle, Flinty didn’t take her customary route direct to the kitchen, but continued towards the dower house. ‘I’m going to give the lady’s room, the dowager’s…’ she sighed, ‘Veronica’s room a going over with the duster.’
That meant the kitchen would be free. Bella wondered if she could rustle up enough supplies from the pantry to make a cake, something to cheer Adam a little.
As she approached the kitchen she realised that it was in fact already in use. Veronica was standing at the counter next to the sink staring at a tin can with her lips pursed.
‘Are you OK there?’
The tin can – cream of mushroom soup – was standing on the worktop. In Veronica’s right hand was a large, plastic handled tin opener. ‘What on earth am I supposed to do with this?’
Bella took the tin opener, latched it onto the can, and then twisted the handle.
‘Hmm. Well I’m sure these things used to be a lot more straightforward.’
Bella suspected that the basics of can opener design hadn’t shifted for decades. ‘Maybe.’
Veronica laboured the tin open and peered at the contents. ‘It’s very thick.’
Bella checked back again. ‘It’s condensed. You need to add water.’
‘It doesn’t look like this when Flinty makes it.’
‘That’ll be because she adds water.’ Finally she took pity on her companion. ‘Do you want me to do it for you?’
She watched the rare moment of indecision on the dowager lady’s face. ‘Well if you don’t mind.’
The instructions told her to heat the soup with an equal part of water in the microwave. That seemed like it would fall within her cheffing capabilities. She could feel Veronica’s gaze boring into her.
‘I’m not completely useless in the kitchen, you know.’
The soup bowl in front of them told a different story.
‘At least I didn’t used to be.’
‘It’s fine. I like…’ Bella looked at the grey sludge in the bowl and hesitated over the word cooking.
Veronica stood back and allowed Bella to take over, for a moment at least, before a third voice interrupted. ‘I can do that!’
Flinty marched over.
‘I can manage.’
Flinty’s hands wrapped around the bowl. ‘I usually do it in the pan. I add a bit of black pepper.’
Bella didn’t let go. ‘I don’t mind. I was going to show her how.’
‘No need for that. I know how she prefers it.’
Not being the type to back down from a scrap was one of the many things that had got Bella in trouble throughout her slightly chequered school days. Take a breath , her nan had always told her. Bella took a breath. It was just soup.
‘Flinty does know how I like things,’ Veronica added.
‘OK.’ Bella smiled brightly. ‘I’ll let you get on then.’ She stepped away from the contested soup.
‘Did this one tell you about her bright idea?’ Flinty asked.
Bella winced. She’d been hoping that the village might move its social and community life into the castle without Veronica noticing. ‘I just suggested that some of the groups from the village could meet here, while their hall is closed.’
Veronica’s lips pursed.
‘And I said I thought that was a great idea. Good to have some life here. Good for Adam. Good for Darcy,’ Flinty pointed out.
‘Well if it’s only for the short term, and they don’t get in the way.’
‘Of course they won’t.’ Bella leapt on the grudging agreement, and quickly changed the subject before Veronica could come up with objections. ‘I thought you weren’t a lunch person.’
‘The laird has disappeared off somewhere so I thought I’d get some sustenance so we can get back to it whenever he deigns to reappear.’
‘I’m sure he’ll turn up.’
Where would Adam be hiding out? It turned out he wasn’t so much hiding as skulking. As soon as Bella made it out into the courtyard, he broke cover. ‘Bel! Sorry. I thought it might be my grandmother.’
‘So you were hiding?’
‘Just taking a break. She’s been trying to talk me through the figures for last year’s lamb sales all morning.’
‘Not your thing?’
He shook his head. ‘I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it. What are you doing? Wasn’t it the village ladies’ mafia meet-up this morning?’
‘It was tea and biscuits.’
He raised an eyebrow.
‘No horses’ heads were deposited in beds. I’m at a bit of a loose end now though.’
His expression tightened. ‘Sorry. I’ve been a bit preoccupied, haven’t I?’
‘I understand. Is there anything I can help with?’
He shook his head. ‘I just need to get my head around it all.’
Bella raised her arms around his neck. ‘Well I shouldn’t distract you then.’
He pulled her to him. ‘I would love you to distract me.’ He stopped. ‘But I do really need to…’ He glanced back towards the estate office doorway in the far corner of the courtyard.
‘It’s fine. Veronica’s in the kitchen having soup. You’ve got time.’
He leaned back against the wall of the courtyard. ‘I am so very glad you’re here.’
‘Good.’ She moved in front of him, standing in the space between his feet, pressing her legs against his thighs. ‘I’m glad too.’
‘Really?’
She hesitated.
‘It’s OK. You can say.’
‘I’m not used to having this much free time.’ That was unfair. He was working all the hours and she was complaining about being a lady of leisure. ‘I’m sorry. It’s fine.’
‘No. It’s not what you expected, it is? Any of this.’ His hand was stroking the small of her back, sending a flush of warmth radiating from his touch. ‘If you want to go I get it.’
The heat turned to ice. ‘What do you mean “go”?’
He stared down at the floor. ‘Whatever you need it to mean. You can take my keys and go to Edinburgh, and I’ll come over after… all of this. But I know this isn’t what you thought you were getting into, so if you need to go, I… I would understand.’
She could go. She could choose to be far away from here. She could be back in a busy kitchen. She could be dancing in a field with strangers who had the potential to become best friends. She could be frying prawns over coals on a beach a million miles away from here. But, a million miles away from here was a million miles away from him. Bella shook her head. ‘Unless that’s what you want.’
‘Of course not.’ The relief on his face was obvious.
Bella exhaled.
‘I want you to be happy.’
‘I am.’
He looked unconvinced.
‘Well I will be. Wherever I lay my hat and all that.’ She took his hand. ‘I’m here for you. OK?’
‘OK.’ He pressed a warm soft kiss to her lips. ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re very welcome. Now get back to work before I really start distracting you.’
Adam disappeared back towards the office and Bella trudged back inside and across the hallway, catching her foot on something in her way and tripping onto her knees. She pulled herself back to standing and retrieved the single wellington that had found its way into her path. ‘I still do not believe in you, Poppy,’ she muttered.