Chapter Nineteen
Nineteen
Over the next two days, I called Autumn a total of six times and texted her twice.
I’d done my best to leave messages that wouldn’t scare her off from calling me back. But still, I hadn’t heard from her. Now, I was sitting in the 4Runner with the engine running and Smoke sleeping in the back, watching the diner like a psychopath.
All day, people had been trickling back into town with blue and white paint smeared on their car windows from the melting flurries in the air. The team had won the game and the banner erected in the post office window had been switched out with one that said, Well Done, Cougars.
Teenage boys climbed out of the cars one by one as they arrived, but I was waiting for one in particular—Ben Cross.
I watched the glass windows of the diner over the steering wheel, a chaotic hoard of complete and utter insanity on a loop in my mind. The minutes ticked by as I compulsively tapped through the long list of voicemails on Johnny’s phone, listening to each one.
There weren’t any messages from Autumn’s unsaved number, and a majority of the voicemails were automated recordings from telemarketers or scammers. I propped my elbow on the edge of the car door window so that I could rest my forehead against my hand as I listened to the next one. After a few seconds, I was already hitting delete.
I was so unbelievably tired. Of all of it. The grief, the questions, the unknown corners of Johnny’s life. I absently tapped the next message in the queue, and when I heard a voice I recognized, I looked down, realizing it was Micah’s number. His name was at the top of the screen.
Hey, Johnny. There was a long pause. Look—I know we’re not talking, but I need you to call me back. I’m worried. Another long pause. Text me, whatever. Just get in touch. Then you can go back to being pissed.
My elbow slipped from the window and I leaned forward, opening the details of the message. It was from the day Johnny died.
My eyes lifted to the windshield and I watched the wipers catch the snow, pushing it across the glass. Then I played it again.
Hey, Johnny. Look—I know we’re not talking…
I paused the message, brow furrowing. Olivia had said that Johnny and Micah were on the outs, but Micah had brushed it off when I asked.
I hit play.
…but I need you to call me back. I’m worried. Text me, whatever. Just get in touch. Then you can go back to being pissed.
The message ended, but Micah’s voice was still echoing in my mind. By the time he had left that message he’d probably called Johnny several times. He sounded worried, but there was also a weight to the words, like whatever was going on between them wasn’t just two friends who’d known each other all their lives blowing off some steam. This felt like something different.
Ben’s gray truck finally pulled up along the curb, parking illegally, and I sat up, hands hooked to the wheel. After a few seconds, he got out.
His eyes were fixed on the illuminated screen of his phone as he crossed the street, earbuds in with an apron thrown over his shoulder. He was starting his shift.
I waited for almost ten minutes before I finally got out of the 4Runner, attempting and failing to talk myself out of what I was about to do. The door slammed behind me and I crossed the street, dodging icy puddles and pulling my thin jacket tighter around me. The diner was still bustling when I ducked out of the cold, tugging my scarf from around my neck. Behind the bar, a woman I’d seen once before was ringing up a couple at the register.
I took the stool at the end of the counter, opening the menu in front of me and pretending to look it over. The bell jingled as the two women left, and a few seconds later, Ben came through the swinging door to the kitchen. I watched as he started clearing the table, thinking that every time I saw him, I saw more of Johnny. Except for those eyes—a piercing blue that made him look so much like Sadie. Even in the shadow that seemed to always be beneath them.
I couldn’t help but also measure him against the description Olivia had given me. She’d called him fragile, and looking at him now, there was something that felt true about that, though I didn’t know exactly what it was.
He made his way down the counter, but he didn’t look at me, refilling the bowl of lemons beside the iced tea dispenser with a pair of tongs.
“Hey, Ben?” I kept my voice down, trying to avoid the attention of the women seated down the bar.
He glanced over his shoulder, those brilliant, glassy eyes catching the light. When he realized I was the one who’d called his name, his gaze moved over the diner slowly. Like maybe it was a mistake.
“Yeah?” He had that sheepish look again, like he thought he was in trouble.
I set down the menu, trying to figure out what to do with my hands. “I had a question for you, if you have a sec?”
He seemed to consider me for a moment before he left the lemons and came to stand in front of me. He leaned into the counter with both hands, making me aware of just how tall he was. Nearly as tall as Micah. I hadn’t really gotten a good look at him up close. He was handsome and even looked a bit older than he was. But it wasn’t my brother’s face that flashed through my mind when I looked up at him this time. It was Griffin’s.
“Can I get something for you?” he said.
The kitchen door swung open and Sadie came out, bracing a tall stack of plates in her arms. Without even looking where she was going, she slid them onto the counter beside the register.
I turned my body slightly away from her. “You know Autumn Fischer, right?”
Ben appeared startled by the question, taking his hands from the counter and finding something to clean instead. He tugged a rag from the ties of his apron, wiping at the surface along the back wall. “Yeah. I know her.”
“I’m trying to get in touch with her, and I was wondering if you’ve heard from her recently?”
His wiping slowed, but he didn’t answer. Behind him, I could see that Sadie was watching us now, eyes moving between us.
I tried again. “My brother was—”
“I know.” Ben cut me off abruptly, and his gaze fixed on mine, unblinking. His tone had taken on an unexpected edge that I couldn’t pinpoint the origin of. Was it the mention of Johnny, Autumn, or both of them?
“I haven’t heard from Autumn since she left Six Rivers,” he said.
I studied his posture, his body language exuding that same rigidity I could hear in his voice. “Do you know how I can reach her?”
“No.”
He swept the rag over the counter again, but I leaned in closer.
“Are there any other friends in town that I could—”
“I told Johnny before. I haven’t spoken to her.”
“Johnny? When did he ask you about Autumn?”
He lowered his voice. “Look, if my mom hears me talking about this, she’s gonna freak out.”
My brow furrowed, trying to interpret what exactly that could mean. But when I opened my mouth again, Sadie was suddenly behind him.
“Honey, can you get that trash out for me? The bins should still have room.” She had one protective hand set on her son’s shoulder.
He answered with a nod, moving past her toward the kitchen.
“Thanks.” She watched him go before she turned back to me. “Sorry.” She smiled apologetically. “I couldn’t help but overhear you two talking about Autumn, and honestly, it’s a very sore subject.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” My eyes went to the swinging kitchen door, where Ben had disappeared from view. “I didn’t know.”
“Is there something I can help you with?” she asked, carefully drawing my attention back to her. There was a vigilance in her face now, too, carefully concealed beneath her sweet, maternal expression. All at once, I could see both versions of her—the girl I’d known twenty years ago and the one who existed now.
“I was just trying to get in touch with Autumn Fischer. I have a phone number but haven’t been able to reach her, and I thought she and Ben might still talk.”
“Oh, no. They haven’t spoken since Autumn left.” Sadie picked up the rag Ben left behind on the counter, folding it neatly. “What’s this about?”
I tried to think, stringing together bits of information that wouldn’t sound suspicious. “I just ran across some of her photographs in Johnny’s things—from when they worked together. At the school?” Now I sounded like I was trying to convince her or make excuses for Johnny. I attempted to change my tone. “I wanted to get them back to her.”
“Oh.” She laughed. “That’s sweet of you, but I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Autumn’s kind of all over the place. The girl’s hard to pin down.”
“What do you mean?”
She shrugged. “She and Ben dated, and you know how it works in small towns like this one. Sometimes young people get to thinking way too much about their future before they’re ready.”
I swallowed, knowing too well what that meant. That was me and Micah. Honestly, it was her and Johnny, too, though it had been one-sided. Sadie had thought for years that she and Johnny were inevitable. That eventually, he’d fall in love with her and they’d end up together. But it had never happened.
“I tried to temper the seriousness of the relationship, of course,” Sadie continued. “But Ben had it in his head that Autumn was it, and when she broke it off and left, things didn’t…go well.”
I waited.
“She kind of dropped everything on him all at once. Hadn’t even told him she was leaving for school.”
She met my eyes pointedly, making sure I was drawing the same parallel she was. That was exactly what I’d done to Micah, wasn’t it?
“To put it frankly, Ben didn’t take it well. He really… struggled after she left. Back in September he actually tried to hurt himself.”
My eyes widened. “Oh my god.”
“I wouldn’t have mentioned it”—she looked a little embarrassed—“but it’s not exactly a secret around here. Everyone in town’s already had their turn talking about it.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m just telling you now to convey the seriousness of the situation. I’ve been trying to help him move past it, and it’s important that this stuff doesn’t get dredged up again, if you know what I mean.”
Olivia’s mention of Ben being fragile suddenly made sense. She’d probably been referring to the rumors about what Sadie alluded to now.
I let out a breath. “I understand. I’m really sorry. I had no idea.”
“How could you?” She gave me another smile, the accusation still hovering between us. I’d broken Micah’s heart when I left. I’d turned my back on this town. And I didn’t know this place or its people anymore.
She let her gaze linger on me a moment longer before she went back to the stack of plates. The fact that there were uncanny similarities between me and Autumn was unnerving, to say the least. But that’s what this forest did, wasn’t it? Tell the same stories over and over?
For the first time, I was asking myself what exactly about Autumn Fischer had managed to transfix this sleepy logging town. Even Olivia had what felt like a shrine dedicated to the girl in her classroom. What hold did she have over this place? These people?
My gaze traveled over the pictures on the wall, looking for one of Autumn, but I didn’t find one. If Ben hadn’t heard from her since she’d left, then maybe Olivia was the only person who’d been able to get ahold of her. I didn’t love the idea of going back and asking her more questions about Autumn, and I was long past the point where I should talk to Amelia Travis about all of this. That was the next thing I needed to do.
I stepped out onto the sidewalk and started up the street, but when I felt the hair-raising tingle of someone’s attention on me, my pace instinctively slowed. I turned my head, scanning the road until I found a pair of eyes on me. It was Ben.
He sat behind the wheel of the gray truck, and as soon as I spotted him, he looked away, turning the key in the ignition. The engine rattled to life and he fumbled with the gear, pulling out of the parking spot a little too fast. Exhaust billowed from the tailpipe as he made it up the road, but just before he turned out of sight, he looked at me in the rearview mirror. My feet stopped and I held his gaze, trying to read him. There was something harsh and heavy in his expression before he turned out of sight.
As soon as I got back in the 4Runner, I checked my phone again for a missed call or text from Autumn. But there was nothing, and I was finished waiting.
I pulled up her Instagram profile, scrolling through the posts to find the handles that appeared most frequently. @sooziekyoo was a mostly dead account, and @firstfrostchronicle looked like nothing more than a hobby photographer’s page filled with abstract macro lens shots.
I clicked on Autumn’s tagged photos next. There weren’t many, but several posts by other accounts had tagged her going back as far as three years. She wasn’t the main subject of most of the pictures, but there was one particular post by @marimarimayhem where Autumn’s face took up half the image. I clicked on it.
It was a photo of Autumn and another girl, their faces cheek to cheek. The caption read, Roomies! Five weeks and counting!
I tapped the handle of the account that posted it and the second girl’s face filled the feed. The profile listed the name as Maria Alvarez, and the description beneath it had a few song lyrics and an emoji of a graduation cap followed by Freshman at Byron School of the Arts. According to the captions, the posts before and after the one with Autumn appeared to be from freshman orientation. This girl was Autumn’s roommate.
I sat up straighter, tapping the message button. I knew I’d already taken this too far, but if Autumn wasn’t going to respond to me, I needed to try something else. Anything else.
I typed, holding my breath.
Hi, sorry to reach out like this, but I’m trying to reach Autumn Fischer. Do you know how I can get ahold of her? It’s urgent.
I tossed the phone onto the passenger seat and started the car, but before I even had the gear in reverse, the screen lit up again. I picked up the phone, reading the notification.
@marimarimayhem replied to you
I hit the banner and the app automatically reopened to where Maria’s message was nested beneath mine.
lol if you find out, let me know
She owe you money too?
My brow creased as I typed a reply.
Sorry?
I messaged back and a symbol appeared onscreen to indicate that Maria was typing. I waited. Her response popped up a second later.
autumn ghosted me
When?
before the semester started
Before the semester started would have been back in, what? August?
Oh, I’m sorry—I thought you were her roommate?
i was supposed to be she never showed
i met her at orientation
the school matched us for off campus housing and we were supposed to room together, but she never showed up
just stopped calling me back and never paid her half of the stuff i got for the room
figured she decided not to leave her psycho boyfriend
I let the phone drop into my lap, fingers pressing to my bottom lip as my mind raced. I tried to fit it into the timeline I’d put together. Autumn had left for Byron in August. Johnny had made a large tuition payment before that, and everyone I’d talked to said the same thing—that Autumn was away at art school in San Francisco.
But what if she wasn’t?