40. Chapter 40
Chapter 40
E agan and I return home after spending some time soaking in the warm summer day. We walk back in silence, and I’m lost in thought. Eagan must realize it because he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong or try to coax conversation out of me. Talking with Eagan about my sisters has churned up some unpleasant emotions and the discussion we overheard outside the diner replays over and over in my head. I have been so caught up in my new life, learning how to be human and forming new friendships that I haven’t really stopped to think about what I left behind. Talking about it has brought all my suppressed feelings to the surface and I don’t know how to cope with the turbulent emotions currently flooding me. I should have made an effort to contact them somehow and let them know what happened. Instead, I just started a new life. What kind of person does that make me? Guilt roils my stomach along with a pang of loneliness.
I miss Raidne. I miss her so goddess damned much. No matter how many friends I make here, no one makes her absence less painful. There’s not a single person in my current world that understands everything about me. I can see that Eagan is trying to learn more, attempting to put his negative emotions aside to understand my point of view. I appreciate it more than I can express but he still doesn’t get it. He can’t fully comprehend the anxiety that comes with a limited food source and the feeling of responsibility for keeping others alive as well as yourself.
And then there’s the missing people. From what we heard, it sounds like there are at least a couple of people that have disappeared over the last week, and something about it feels wrong. Like it isn’t a coincidence that this started happening not long after a siren became fully human for the first time in known history. I can’t formulate an explanation for the disappearances, but my gut tells me that I need to pay attention.
After my quiet contemplation I decide what I need to do. I leave my room and find Eagan doing some work on his laptop. He looks up when he hears me.
“Anything you want to talk about?” he asks as I take a seat next to him, pulling my knees up into my chest. He puts his laptop on the coffee table and to my surprise, takes my feet into his lap. He gently starts pressing his thumbs into the arches of my feet and a soft, pleased sigh escapes me. He waits patiently for me to put my thoughts into words, turning his attention from me to my feet and removing a lot of tension throughout my whole body.
“I need to go see my sisters,” I start. “I have to see them, to explain what has happened. I just left with no explanation, and I owe them one. I need to make sure they are okay. Can you please take me out on your boat?”
He stills, his hands withdraw from my feet and the tension rolls off him in waves. His breaths quicken and he pulls away, putting distance between us once more.
“I can’t,” he rasps. “I can’t go back out there. You told me… you told me not to go back out in the Witches Cove waters. I can’t do it. Your sisters will kill me. I just can’t.” His words are fast and panicked. He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands. The simple thought of going back out onto the ocean has unraveled him and he’s falling apart right in front of me. He continues to gasp for breath, and I don’t know how to calm him, but I can’t let this continue.
Without a second thought, I crawl into his lap and straddle him. I bring his head down to my chest and hold him there, hoping that the sound of my heartbeats and the feel of my chest rising and falling with my steady breaths is enough to soothe him. His body stiffens with the movement, but he makes no attempt to pull away. I don’t speak. Instead, I sit with him, hold him, and I wait as his breathing evens out and his body begins to relax.
I don’t know how long we sit here for but I refuse to be the first to move from this position. Eventually, he lifts his head from my chest and tilts his chin to look at me. His blue eyes are still wild with panic but most of the tension has left his body, and I can feel that his pulse has slowed.
“Fuck. I’m sorry… I don’t even know what that was,” he murmurs, his cheeks darkening with a tinge of pink.
“I am so sorry for everything we put you through,” I admit, meaning it with my whole heart. I know that as a siren, I had to do what I could to survive, but I made a decision for Eagan that had many disastrous consequences, and I will forever feel guilty for my part in that.
Eagan seems to shake himself out of his current state and I move off his lap. “I guess I still have some unprocessed trauma around the water,” he admits.
“We can talk about it another time, don’t worry.”
“No. I’m calmer now, I think you just caught me off guard that’s all. Is this something you need to do? Go back to see your sisters?”
I nod. “I really do. If I had any other way of finding them, I would do that instead of asking you for your help. If you really don’t think you can do this, it’s okay. I can wait.”
“If I go back out on the boat, how do I know that your sisters won’t sing to me and put me right back where I started? And for that matter, you’re human now too. Won’t their songs affect you as well?”
He raises good points and ones that I have also been thinking about. “We need to be able to hear a siren’s song in order to be influenced by it. If we can’t hear it, we aren’t in any danger.” I smile at him. “If we wear earplugs, I’m quite certain we will be fine. And once they know it’s me, they won’t try anything, but you can keep yours in, just in case.” I offer.
He nods slowly as he processes my words. “I think… I think I can do this for you. I don’t want to—god, I don’t want to, but I can understand the need to see your sisters. I know how important family is. Can you give me a couple of days to try and get my shit together, so I don’t have another breakdown?” he asks with a dry laugh.
“Of course. Thank you so much for doing this for me.” I lean forward and press my lips to his cheek. “I’m hungry, I think it’s time for a snack,” I say as I get up to give Eagan some space.
I’ve always got the impression that Eagan is the type of person to keep his feelings bottled up, reluctant to let people past his walls. In the weeks I have known him, it has been rare to see a display of strong emotion. I can tell that he is happy when he is with Sienna, and Tom and Lacey. There’s been times where I recognize some kind of positive feeling when he is with me, although I’m not always able to identify what that emotion actually is. I’ve also seen flashes of anger, frustration and, of course, lust. But these are only flashes. There one moment and gone the next as he masterfully reigns in the escaping emotion. I was taken completely by surprise by the outpouring of panic that he just allowed me to see. And even more shocked by the fact that he allowed me to comfort him. I must admit that I didn’t expect my request to be met with that reaction but when I think about everything that has happened, it is understandable that he would feel that way. I swear to myself that I’m going to do everything in my power to protect him. From my sisters if needed but also from Vala if we ever have to face her again. I refuse to be the cause of more destruction in his life.
The next three days pass quickly. I work at the boutique each day and Eagan works from home, completing the projects assigned to him by Tom. Every day at work I feel more comfortable, and Kelsey has even been able to leave me in charge of the store while she runs to the bank or to run an errand.
I still thrive on conversation and meeting new people and instead of feeling tired at the end of the day, I’m filled with energy. Kelsey and I have had lots of time to get to know each other in between customers. Although I haven’t been able to disclose much about my personal life, Kelsey is more than willing to share details of hers. I’ve learnt that she’s thirty-two years old and lives with her partner Brodie, who is forty-three. They met through a mutual friend ten years ago and have been inseparable ever since. Kelsey told me that her life mostly consists of working and spending time with Brodie. There isn’t much time for anything else. I wonder if Eagan will be okay with me inviting her and perhaps Brodie next time we go out for drinks.
Eagan’s waiting for me when I arrive home just after lunch. Usually, he would be busy with his own work and doesn’t even notice me returning home. So, I’m caught off guard when I walk in and he’s standing in the kitchen looking like he’s been expecting me.
“Hi…” I say with a quirk of my eyebrow in question.
He inhales deeply, “Alright we are doing it. Now. We are going to see your sisters. Before I change my mind.”
I can’t stop the grin that takes over my face and I throw myself against him, wrapping my arms around his waist. This time when I touch him there is no flinch of surprise, no initial discomfort. He allows me to show him my gratitude in the way that is most natural to me and if I’m not mistaken, I think he’s starting to like it too.
“Okay, okay, vicious one. I get it, you’re excited,” he says kindly, and my body warms at the realization that this man is going to do something that he is afraid of simply because he knows it’s important to me. The thought makes me want to jump straight back into his arms again and find other, more indecent ways, to show my thanks. But no. There will be time for that later, right now he’s taking me to see my sisters. And I can’t fucking wait.