Chapter 20
Josh feltthe distance between them growing with every minute after Ellie drove away. And as the distance grew, his hold on himself—on his connection to the earth—diminished.
He tried lying on her bed, surrounded by her vanilla and jasmine scent. But it wasn’t enough. He fell into a fitful, broken sleep, only to wake hours later, dazed and brain-fogged, with pins and needles in his hands and feet, and a cold tingle lapping along his spine.
Despite the exhaustion dragging at him, he made himself stand and close the curtains against the midnight dark and go downstairs to find Nissy. She roused herself from her bed in Ellie’s office and chirped as she wound herself against his legs. He leaned down to scratch behind her ears before checking her feeder and water.
Had he ever had a pet? He felt certain that he never had. And yet… why not? Nissy was a joy. He could easily get used to her gentle companionship and charming certainty that she deserved to be treated like royalty at all times.
Josh rubbed his chest, reminding himself that it was a good thing he didn’t have a pet. He didn’t want there to be an animal left behind somewhere, wondering what had become of him.
He had a few sips of cold water and then walked through Ellie’s house, touching the things she loved, looking at her art, trying to ground himself.
And trying to find himself. What did his house look like? What art decorated his walls? Where did he live?
He spent long minutes standing on her deck, looking out at the dark woods. Little night animals called and scurried, and their names rose and fell in his mind. He knew their diets and their habits. The dangers they faced.
A memory drifted into his awareness like a dream. A scene of people wearing scrubs, surgical masks, bright lights overhead. The memory sharpened, clarified, until it was the clearest one he’d had.
He was so close. So very close to knowing everything.
He stumbled across the deck to the far corner and sank onto a lounger next to the hot tub. The world was spinning, his ears ringing, and he leaned his head between his knees in the dark as the memories welled within him.
He could recall that procedure vividly. A rare white-tailed eagle had become tangled in a large hedgerow. Her wing was badly broken, and the surgery to repair it was brand-new and very challenging. He’d traveled north, to Scotland, to work with the conservationists there, and then stayed.
He remembered watching the majestic bird take to the skies once more. The visceral joy and relief, and the bittersweetness of whispering goodbye as he set her free.
How long ago was that? Did he live there? He wished he knew. But at least he knew one thing: he was a veterinary surgeon. He worked with birds of prey. Thank fuck. He wasn’t a criminal. He wasn’t a murderer. Hopefully he was far away when Ellie had her accident.
He gripped the back of his neck with his hands. The relief uncurling through him was so powerful he wanted to laugh. He almost wanted to cry. He was starting to remember who he was.
He wanted to tell Ellie. To share this revelation with her He wanted to hear her voice. Even better, to see her face. She wore her emotions so honestly—so much more openly than him—and he couldn’t wait to see her joy.
Josh stood, thinking. He could reach her through her computer. He could send her a message. If there was one thing he knew, it was that Ellie would have her laptop nearby.
But then he stilled, lingering in the shadows. Something didn’t feel right. Had he heard something?
He crossed the deck and slipped into the house through the living room doors, pausing to listen. He had heard something. Someone was moving through the house.
He crept into the empty hallway. The front door was shut. No lights were on. The bowl on the hallway table where Ellie kept her keys was empty. It definitely wasn’t her. Whoever was in the house must have come through the vegetable garden, hidden by the stone walls, and through the back door into the kitchen. But what the fuck were they doing there?
Josh walked through the house on silent feet, hunting for the intruder. Goose bumps rose over his arms and lifted the small hairs on the back of his neck. The pins and needles were back, but he fought them.
He couldn’t fade away now. He couldn’t bear it. Ellie needed him. And he’d promised.
How had he promised? What had he promised? He didn’t know. But that didn’t matter now. What mattered was Ellie. He’d told himself he wouldn’t get involved. That he wouldn’t care for her. But now… now, he couldn’t bear to think about her being hurt.
His muscles tightened as he crept down the quiet corridor and drew closer to Ellie’s gaming room. The door was ajar—whoever was there hadn’t bothered to fully close it—and he could hear the sound of her chair being pulled out, someone settling into it with a quiet grunt.
Fuck. It wasn’t just her gaming room. It was her office. It was where Nissy slept. Where was she? Ellie would be devastated if something happened to her cat. And honestly, so would he.
But the cold was all over him now. Waves of freezing mist enclosed him as the color slowly leached out of his surroundings, leaving everything gray and bleak.
He stepped forward, through the door, to see a man, hidden beneath a balaclava, his leather jacket hanging on Ellie’s chair, gloved hands tapping at the keyboard.
Something about the man was familiar. The way he sat. The angle of his head. Something struck a chord. But what?
Josh opened his mouth to demand answers, but even as he did, he knew it was too late. No sound emerged. Everything was amorphous, turning to mist.
Ellie wasn’t there to hold him to the earth, and he’d already clung on long past what he’d hoped might be possible. He stumbled forward and peered into the cat cave—desperate, knowing it was the last thing he could do—and thank God, it was empty. Nissy was somewhere else, hopefully safe.
But it wasn’t enough. He was leaving them at the worst possible time. He was leaving them in danger.
Darkness flooded over his vision, and Ellie’s world disappeared, leaving him to float, alone, in the icy shadows, howling out his fury and desperation.