Chapter 37
Emely
In the Calm Primeval Forest with Blackbird,
Chaffinch and Willow Warbler
Yttermarken
I loved this garden. Everything here reminded me of the happy and carefree hours of my childhood. It was the place where I was torn away from reality. My home .
The thought of having to move away soon when I tied the knot with Mica made my heart tighten. It had weighed heavier since the semester had started. I had known things would be more stressful, just not as complicated . Also, the last time I had been out for a run was days ago.
Back then, I had been outside almost every day, felt the forest floor under my feet, soaked up the typical deciduous forest scent, and had become one with nature.
Two man-sized wolves jumped out of the thicket, and one of them pounced on the other. He had very dark fur, cocoa brown.
“Joshua,” I sighed loudly, and the young wolf broke away from the light brown wolf to look in my direction so that the other could pounce back on him playfully.
Finn , my little brother, had turned for the first time on the last full moon, and he had been out with the other guys every day since. Joshua, Hunter’s younger brother, was stronger than Finn, but my brother quickly got better. Even Alarik thought he was making impressive progress.
My gaze flitted to the spacious stone terrace because I sensed someone else watching this spectacle. Mia . When she noticed that I had caught her, she quickly turned and disappeared into the house.
I sighed.
Back then, I had known her as an open, cheerful girl. In fact, she was more fun-loving than Julian and had come to terms with her mother’s death surprisingly quickly. We had gotten along well together. But when contact with Julian had ceased, so had contact with Mia.
She had been here for a week and tried her best to adapt, I could see that, but she also distanced herself a lot and became quieter.
The moon was waxing. She was about to undergo her first transformation. I was glad that she would experience it here and not in the Quatura’s territory, cooped up in a damned basement, overwhelmed by all the strength and changes in her body.
The mere thought made me nauseous.
We belonged here, out in the wilderness, far away from humans and witches, far away from the...
The mere thought of that bastard made me snort, and I let out a silent curse.
Why couldn’t there be just us? I didn’t know any pack that didn’t have to deal with these wretched creatures of darkness. They existed to destroy us.
The devil’s offspring, Father always called them.
“You took her in just in time.”
I wheeled around.
Behind me stood the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Tania Rolanow . Her full lips formed into a beautiful smile, and I couldn’t help but stare at her many little freckles or those blonde curls. There was so much joy in her icy blue eyes, a certain charm that I usually only knew from the Copeland men.
“I’m sorry if I caught you off guard, but unfortunately we haven’t had the pleasure of getting to know each other properly yet.”
Her smile widened, revealing bright white teeth. Two small dimples emerged from their hiding place.
I wondered what she looked like as a wolf. Soon I would find out.
“Yeah, uhm, no. It’s all good...” I began, forcing myself to focus on the conversation.
“Can we go for a walk, or did I just interrupt you?”
“Oh, no, you didn’t. I’ve got time.”
Although I still had a mountain of legal texts waiting for me, I would be working a night shift tonight either way.
I smiled sheepishly, and she put her hand on my arm, which immediately put me at ease.
Of course, she couldn’t manipulate emotions. It was just her charm and warm manner that made me feel grounded.
Soft Water Stream and Birds
Nature Dreamscapes
We walked along a path by the small stream that ran past our house. A place teeming with butterflies with shiny black wings. I was used to the lively spectacle of colors when they and the blue butterflies began to dance together. Tania, on the other hand, seemed very fascinated by the extraordinary butterflies.
“Already back then, I wondered how so many of these pretty creatures could live here...” She took her eyes off the animals and looked at the trees around us. “You truly have the most beautiful forest here. Not even our forests come close.”
Her Russian accent was cute.
“You’ve been here before?” I asked with interest, and she looked straight at me and nodded.
I remembered how familiar her exchange of glances with Alarik had seemed.
“But that was a long time ago.”
I wondered what occasion she had been here for as I remembered father’s words. “You were here with your brother when he wanted to get married, am I right?”
“I was supposed to get married back then.”
This sentence jolted me out of my confidence so violently that I was afraid the mood would change, but Tania just smiled gently, and before I could apologize, she started talking.
“Let’s not make a secret of it. You must have wondered why my brother was so upset.”
I just nodded, too ashamed that I had brought the subject up.
God, how awkward of me.
“Don’t worry about it. It happened too long ago for it to hurt me.”
Hurt...
And then it clicked.
“Alarik,” I sighed softly. He had upset the Rolanows. He was the one Tania had been supposed to get married to.
“God, how could I bring this up. I’m sorry,” I sighed sheepishly.
Tania stopped and looked at me encouragingly. “It’s all right, I’m over it.”
A strange gleam crossed her eyes, making me doubt her words for a moment.
“It’s just important to me that none of this affects you,” I said with a scrutinizing look.
She rolled her eyes slightly before we continued walking.
The stream grew wider and the rippling became more and more insistent.
I loved this place close to nature. There were small waterfalls everywhere, flowing down stone hills through the forest toward the sea.
Tania seemed to like it here too, because she sat down on one of the moss-covered stones.
“My brother can be a bit rough sometimes. And he’s bad at forgiving.”
“I’ve seen that,” I laughed gently.
“Don’t hold it against him. He appreciates your commitment to the pack.”
Relief spread through me that at least I hadn’t earned a bad reputation yet... and that someone appreciated what I was doing for the pack. Something that was my duty.
“You remind me a lot of me back then.” I didn’t know if I should take that as a compliment. She spoke as if it meant nothing good. “I was just as ambitious, wanted to please my brother, preferably with everything. I always looked out for the interests of the pack.” She paused and looked down the small waterfall, lost in thought. “I’ve given more than I should have.”
Unease spread through my stomach. Her words struck the part of me that was most insecure, even if I couldn’t say exactly where its roots lay. Because I didn’t usually waste my time analyzing my life. I knew what it did to people, what it had done to Julian.
Tania turned her head toward me, smiled kindly and stood up, and we both eventually made our way back to the estate.
In the Calm Primeval Forest with Blackbird,
Chaffinch and Willow Warbler
Yttermarken
“Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate your commitment too. I just don’t want you to make the same mistake I did.”
Her gaze was heavy with meaning.
“What exactly was that mistake?”
“Putting the pack's well-being above my own, even though I had never been the one whose well-being mattered most to the pack.”
Hearing the truth from her lips hit me like a slap in the face. But I refused to accept it completely. I couldn’t be so selfish. These were my people. Loyalty kept us together.
“I think you always get back what you give. And besides... isn’t it my duty?”
She sighed. “We have duties, yes, but if you don’t question them, you quickly become a slave to the system.”
“So, you want me to question the system of our ancestors?”
I was shocked.
“If you don’t do it, if we women who are most affected by it don’t do it, then who will? Let’s be honest, patriarchy has colored our history darkly, long enough. When people talk about us, we are always just the sisters, the daughters, or the mothers of the Alpha... And is that worth giving up your happiness for?”
Miles had said the same thing. Only in a less pleasant way, because he had wanted to hurt me with that comment. But that certainly wasn’t Tania’s intention. It just made me wonder why she was carrying such thoughts around with her... as the sister of the Russian Alpha.
From the moment she had brought it up, the words felt bad. As if being the Alpha’s mother, sister, or daughter was something inferior. Everything in me fought against it, wanted to explain to Tania that she was wrong.
“But...” I started, but Tania motioned for me to speak more calmly.
“We’re not alone.”
By now we were back on the empty lawn of the old manor house, but the veranda was not empty.
“He’s always been a good observer,” the woman next to me laughed, and I looked at Alarik, who was leaning his arms on the stone railing, watching us. He seemed focused. On us.
“What I actually wanted to say was that Mica invited you to dinner tonight.” She pressed a pretty burgundy invitation card into my hand. “Mica is a well-behaved gentleman.” She looked at me with a serious expression. “Nevertheless, he is a man who would never deviate from the principles of the pack. And he’s a Rolanow. Don’t forget that.”
Why did it sound like a warning?
She squeezed my hands, in which I was holding the envelope, then she waved goodbye with a smile and walked across the meadow, up the stairs, past my uncle, who eyed her.
Tania paid him no further attention.
A stack of questions piled up inside me. And I would never be able to ask her any of them, would I?
Confused, I made my way to Alarik.
Firstly, I had just learned that he and this woman shared a past, and secondly, there was a lot I needed to get out of him.
He stood there smiling at me as if he hadn’t just overheard us, and I wanted to punch him, but there was no time for that now.
I clutched the envelope a little tighter, which made me even more nervous.
“You weren't eavesdropping on us, were you?” I asked, theatrically indignant, and Alarik sighed.
“I’m your mentor and any conversation with a member of another pack can’t just happen without preparation or supervision,” he replied in my father’s mimicked voice, and I had to grin.
“They’re our guests,” I laughed, amused.
“Any guest could just as easily be an enemy,” he continued, and both our grins widened.
“She’s friendly.” It just slipped out.
Alarik’s carefree expression slipped a little, and he turned away from me to look out over the terrain again.
“One might think she wasn’t a Rolanow, right?”
His snort sounded more than annoyed.
I had touched on a sensitive topic.
Cautiously, I stepped up to him and looked out into the garden too. The guys were back, not in the shape of wolves, but shirtless, because they were training. Testing their strength. The usual.
“You’ve upset their family,” I said with reproach, the Code in the back of my mind.
Alarik looked at me again, thinking, a little contrite. Then he laughed.
“It’s not hard to upset a Rolanow.”
“You almost violated the Code!” I continued.
Alarik knew as well as I did that part of the Code was peace between two packs. Only he didn’t really care about the Code.
“Trust me, Emely,” he looked at me with a serious expression. “If I had bonded with her, I would have been much more likely to break the Code. I would have gone to Russia, far away from the place I used to call home and far too far away from the Vanderwood.”
Usually, it was the other way around. Women followed their husbands to their packs, their homes.
“She would have stayed here,” I said, but quickly realized that these words supported the issue Tania had spoken about.
Submitting to the Code as a woman and not benefiting from it, at least among the Rolanows.
I took a deep breath.
My father would never marry me off against my will.
“I wouldn’t have wanted that.”
I saw him bite his lower lip in annoyance and clutch the railing as if he were on board of the sinking Titanic.
I didn’t know what to respond. He showed sympathy for Tania, so it must have been a very private subject and I had somehow slipped into it. How clumsy of me.
“In retrospect, it was better that way. We wouldn’t have been a good match.” He laughed, and it had a bitter edge to it before it turned to lightness. “We were both too immature, we didn’t know what love was.” That bitter smile again.
I struggled to imagine how Alarik had studied back then and how he and Tania had been supposed to form a bond. And then I wondered what he had been like back then. Like Nash? Hardly... But not like me, either. We were fundamentally different. Nevertheless, we got on well.
The memory of the letter to the Quatura flared up in my mind, ready to burn down my old image of Alarik.
He wasn’t who I had thought he was. What if he had said no to Tania because there had been someone he would have said yes to? Someone he should never have desired?
Shocked, I stared at my uncle.
“I’m sorry, Emely. You look a mess. I told your father that you were too young for this nonsense and that he should have at least waited until after graduation.”
I narrowed my eyes.
He really thought it was too much for me? For me? Me, who had done so much for the pack all these years? Of course, it was more than usual, a new level. But I was strong enough to manage it. I would prove to them all that I was the perfect daughter of the Alpha.
I swallowed.
The alpha’s daughter, the future alpha’s sister and the future wife of the...
“Are you okay?”
For a moment I was tempted to say no , to open up to him, but when it came to Alarik, I knew he would be able to convince me, and that was the last thing I could let happen right now.
I nodded slowly and forced myself to smile. “Yeah, just something’s been bothering me.”
He raised an eyebrow. “And you don’t want to talk to your favorite family member about it?”
My jaw dropped. “You...”
He grinned broadly. “Come on, what’s keeping my little niece busy.”
I sighed, because I hated it when he called me that. And he knew it.
“Were you like that back then?”
“How exactly?”
“Did you question the species and their order of existence back then?”
His face suddenly filled with concern, and he looked around the garden with a jerk before scrutinizing me. Confusion resonated in his gaze as he continued a little more quietly.
“Emely, since when are you interested in my past?” He became even quieter. “Did Nickolas ask you to spy on me?”
I stared at him in disbelief.
He hadn’t really said that...
But he looked serious.
“That you would even think that of me!” I hissed, ready to turn away from him and go to my room to continue studying.
Alarik’s confusion didn’t disappear, and the next moment I wondered if I would have done something like that for my father… Of course not, not with Alarik . And anyway, Father didn’t demand such things.
It felt like everything I had believed so far was false, or only half true. But then, what was I supposed to believe in, who could I trust, and, above all, what could I fight for? Could I really blame myself for clinging to the most stable thing in my life? To the pack?
Precious Emely,
I apologize for overwhelming you with the roses. But I hope you like them. I had them flown in from a Scottish rose garden for you.
I have also found out that there is a first-class restaurant in Blairville that I would like to take you to.
I will do my best to make sure you have a good time while I am in Canada. As a Rolanow, I am a man of my word.
I’ll be waiting for you at La Lune at eight pm,
Mikhail
Tears In Heaven
TranquilJazz Trio, Jazz Covers Club
When I entered the restaurant, I felt like I was in the wrong movie. Almost as if I was too young for such things.
He sat there, more attractive than ever, with his short blond hair and ice-blue eyes, his face angular. It radiated more masculinity than was good for me, because pure nervousness immediately crept up inside me, and I could see myself not being able to get anything down this evening.
How should I even behave? He was eight years older than me, radiated an incredible amount of charisma, and was already attracting the attention of other women at the neighboring tables.
When Mikhail spotted me, he stood up and came toward me to take off the white coat that Tania had kindly lent me.
I’d never worn anything like it before, but I could make friends with felt coats. Just not in combination with tight red dresses like the one I was currently wearing. I wasn’t the girl for red, and yet I hadn’t said no to Tania’s wardrobe because I had learned that red was Mica’s favorite color.
I often noticed that I wasn’t very feminine, which was probably due to the fact that I had grown up surrounded by boys.
“I’m glad you came,” he said, smiling genuinely before letting his gaze slide down my body.
The dress definitely emphasized too much, even though I didn’t even have much. Larissa would have loved this dress, no doubt about it.
What was I even thinking? Of course, everything looked good on Legacy Ruisangors.
I had feminine curves, but more muscles and a more angular body, very small breasts, even though they had grown another size after my first transformation – as was often the case with female Senseque.
“That dress suits you,” he said in a low voice and kissed my hand again, just like he had done a few days ago on campus.
A tingling sensation flitted over the area, very light, barely noticeable.
I forced myself to smile. I didn’t want him to see that I hated dates like this, and I hated even more being downtown, where members of the Quatura Circle could be lurking around every corner. They would probably jump eagerly at the news that my father was about to make a deal with another pack. It was enough that the Bexley press had already seen me. I’d barely escaped from my jeep, and an attentive restaurant employee hadn’t let the press in.
“I’m sorry I’m a bit late, I...” I’d had trouble picking out the right clothes and ended up having to beg your aunt for help , I thought silently, embarrassed to be so inexperienced in dating .
“Don’t worry about it. Tania texted me that you might be a little late, and the table is booked for the whole evening.”
I swallowed.
Then I remembered that he was a Rolanow, who had definitely never heard of financial problems. Neither had I, but our father had never spoiled Nash and me. Nash would inherit his property at some point, that had always been certain. But until then, he had to work himself, which of course my brother didn’t do because he preferred to hide away in the house with his cell phone and the only person who seemed to notice was me.
“So, the most expensive restaurant downtown?” I asked teasingly, and Mica smiled.
“Only the best for my future wife.”
An unpleasant tug went through my stomach, and I clutched Tania’s golden jewelry ring.
His future wife.
Mica gave me a smile and pulled my chair back so I could sit down.
Pull yourself together, Emely. You should get used to it, because it’s part of your job, dammit.
The feeling still lingered in my stomach, but somehow I managed to suppress it a little.
Mica sat down and smirked. I couldn’t help but notice the way he eyed me before letting his gaze wander around the restaurant, which was located on the top floor of one of the higher buildings in Blairville.
“A very nice place indeed.”
I nodded, because it was. LaLune was a classy restaurant that had opened here 40 years ago and had since expanded into the States. Not everyone in Blairville could afford to eat here, unless you were well-heeled or belonged to one of the founding families. How ironic that it was located in the territory of the Quatura…
I was surprised that no waiter came, because it would have been super comforting to be busy with the menu.
“God, I don’t remember waiting this long here.”
“I’ve already ordered,” Mica said, nodding to a waiter who was walking around with a bottle of red wine.
“Oh...”
Disappointment spread through me. I would have liked to order myself. But should I be angry with him for that? He didn’t know me yet. How could he? I hadn’t given him a chance yet...
“I figured you wouldn’t have to waste your time with trivial decisions,” he said with a friendly wink and had the waiter pour the wine.
I hated red wine, but I wouldn’t say that. I was an idiot . Mica invited me in, was super friendly to me, and all my head could do was complain.
And then there was the matter with the roses that wouldn’t leave my head. I had thrown them away on campus because I hadn’t been able to stand the smell. I still had one of those annoying thorny splinters stuck somewhere in my wrist. And now I found out that he’d had them flown in from Scotland? I wanted to sink into the ground in shame.
“You seem worried? Has something happened?”
I pulled my head up from the glass of red liquid and looked Mica straight in the icy blue eyes. He must have already received many compliments on this fascinating detail, certainly from many pretty women.
“It’s all right, I just... Tania told me what my uncle did back then,” I confessed honestly, even though it wasn’t the topic I was worried about.
Mica smiled and it was reassuring.
“I’ll do my best not to upset your father.”
There it was again. That sharp twinge. But where was it coming from? It definitely wasn’t Bayla Adams, to whom Julian and I were strangely connected for a few months now. But where exactly it came from, I couldn’t say...
“I don’t doubt it,” I sighed and smiled a sad smile. Internally, I would have liked to slap myself for this behavior. What was wrong with the self-confident Emely, who always had everything under control?
Mica didn’t seem to notice, because he just raised his glass and gestured for me to do the same.
“Here’s to being worthy of your family and winning your heart in the games.”
We clinked glasses with a smile, and my heart shifted noticeably. Because I couldn’t help but think of someone who was actually about to open my heart a crack. Julian . He had actually asked me out on a date. Now that I thought about it, it was pretty bad timing. The Rolanows were here, and if Julian cared even the slightest bit about me, he’d join the games. But he had to join the pack for that to happen.
I took a deep breath. Then I tasted the wine and suppressed my urge to gag.
Mica looked at me.
“You don’t like the wine?”
My cheeks heated up too quickly for me to answer “ No, I do like the wine” and so I just nodded sheepishly.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know that. It’s unusual here for a woman not to drink wine.”
I had to smile genuinely for the first time. “I’m not like every woman here.”
“I have to agree with her on that one.”
Mica and I wheeled around to where someone stood in a blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up, looking at Mica like the latter had committed a crime.
“Nash?” He finally looked at me. “What are you doing here?”
“Getting you out of this awkward situation.”
“What?” I gasped, spotting the white coat he was holding.
“If you’ll excuse my sister. She’s not ready for a first date with you. Alone with you.” It sounded so aggressive, like I only knew Nash from campus.
“I think she can decide that herself...” Mica tried to get me out of the situation, but Nash didn’t give a shit.
“She can ’t,” he snapped at Mica, who didn’t let on how uncomfortable the situation was right now, except that his jaw was moving noticeably. “Or have you already won the games?”
My jaw dropped.
Was he fucking serious?
“Nash!” I hissed, but he had already pulled me up a little roughly, so that we attracted the eyes around us... then my brother pulled me away from the table.
In Hindsight
Silver Maple
“What are you doing?” I snapped at him as we stepped out into the cool evening air. “Have you completely lost your mind now?”
Nash seemed to be raging. The fire of rage blazed in his blue eyes. The one that came just before the transformation.
“I forbid you to meet this stranger!”
Oh, forbid. That sounded great. Who did he think he was?
“You’re not my father!”
I wanted my brother to understand that he couldn’t just decide anything over my head.
“I’m your future Alpha.”
The alpha card wasn’t new to me either, and I put my arms on my hips. “Not if I go to Russia!”
He snorted in scorn. “Don’t tell me you ever intended to.”
“Nash?!” How could he question my loyalty to the Code like that?
“I know you, and you don’t just do what you’re told unless it comes from our father. And you’re not even under his Alpha bond.”
I snorted in displeasure at this truth.
“I’d love to know what he would say if he knew you just crashed a private dinner with a potential political ally.”
Nash jaw pressed noticeably against his skin.
“He’ll thank me afterward for making sure you stayed here.”
I backed away in astonishment. “Why are you like this all of a sudden?”
Nash ran his hands over his face, which made him look more scrunched up, and it annoyed me even more that he was allowing himself to be so rude.
“I don’t like the way he’s fawning over you!”
“Fawning over me?” I laughed outraged. “He’s doing his goddamn job!”
“So, you like it?” He stared at me in disbelief. “Since when are you so easy to have?”
“Excuse me?!”
I wished the anger on my face would hit him once when we argued. But every time, Nash managed to keep his temper under control.
“You don’t even love him.” He gestured wildly with his arms raised.
How did he imagine it would suddenly click? It didn’t work like that in life. Maybe in movies or with him and this human girl.
“Love doesn’t play a role in political decisions, Nash!”
He would have to marry a female Senseque at some point. And I already knew Father had been trying to get him interested in Mia for years. The true reason he had brought her to the estate.
“I’m not letting my only sister go to Russia for something as irrelevant as politics. You know what they do there. Do you really want to raise your children there?”
I hadn’t expected that argument. Nash knew that I had never thought about having children. Did I even want any? And if not, what would Mica say?
“You should think about your choice!” Nash continued. “Because you still have one.”
I looked desperately at Nash, who looked at me insistently, as if he wanted to laser those words into my head with his eyes.
“What choice ?” I laughed, no doubt sounding a little maniacal. “We can’t afford that, Nash!”
That those words had come from him was the most absurd thing. He should know best how things worked. Instead, he annoyed the Rolanows. Was he really ready to become Alpha soon? We both knew the answer to that.
“I won’t let you do anything you don’t want yourself,” he continued.
My eyes widened with anger.
“It’s for the pack. Why doesn’t anyone fucking get it?!”
My rage was ignited and for the first time in a long time, I felt the wolf inside me more dominant than ever before. The Senseque in me wanted out.
“You’re the last person who should be worrying about the pack!”
I staggered back.
How could he say something like that? He didn’t know how much those words hurt me. How much they drove out the Senseque in me at that moment. I wanted to turn, to run, to just get out of here.
I turned away from him and started to run. My pulse had already quickened, my heart was racing. I looked at my forearms, where the black veins were becoming more and more prominent. I had to get out of here.
“Emely, I’m sorry!” I heard Nash behind me in the parking lot, but his words didn’t reach my heart.
He had hurt me. More than that. He had humiliated me in front of the future head of Rolanow, taken away my independence.
“Emely!” Nash tried again, louder this time.
I sped up, started sprinting, on and on through the streets. The last place for a transformation.
So I ran in the shadows of the houses, past confused passers-by, whom I bumped into several times, until I saw the first trees at the side of the road.
I felt the vertebrae in my neck crack, and I hunched forward. Then I sank to the ground.
I felt sorry for Tania’s dress, which was starting to tear at that very moment. I would replace it for her. Just like the rings and the necklace, which I hastily tore off and threw into the nearest bushes.
My spine continued to crack. The energy shot through my body, along with the pleasant tug, a pain that wasn’t a pain because it was part of me, even if it exhausted me, but just for a few seconds. Then I looked down at my paws. My vision sharpened and I began to run.
I had to get out of this part of town, back home, as quickly as possible.