Chapter 39
Bayla
lovely (with Khalid)
Billie Eilish, Khalid
“Damn it, Julian! What’s wrong with you?” I shouted, overwhelmed.
I shook him like it was a matter of life and death until his eyes finally snapped open and he jerked up. He immediately started breathing as if he couldn’t get any air.
Helplessness overcame me.
“What’s wrong?” I continued panicked, trying to calm myself down as his breathing became even more frantic. “You’re worrying me.”
He was breathing and breathing, beads of sweat were running down his face, and his hair was the biggest mess ever. What worried me most was his naked wet torso. He had sweated so much that I feared he might be dehydrated.
Julian’s whole body was shaking, which made me want to put the blanket around his shoulders, but he turned away, squeezed his eyes shut, and leaned against my bed frame, which was part of our den.
“Julian, is there anything I can do?”
“No, damn it...” he whispered barely audibly, almost fragile. “There’s nothing you can do anymore.” His voice sounded so painful that it stung my own heart. “There’s nothing I can do anymore...” Julian seemed to drift off. He seemed mentally absent, which made me stroke his blanket-wrapped arm. “She’s dead.”
I winced, but immediately calmed down as I realized what had just happened.
“Julian, you were dreaming,” I tried to say as calmly as possible, and he slowly lifted his head. His eyes were glowing yellow, which didn’t scare me this time. I could feel mine starting to glow as well.
“She’s dead, Bay.” His face contorted in pain. “She’s dead and there’s nothing I can do.” He got a little louder and I realized he was crying.
I hadn’t felt this overwhelmed in a long time.
“She’s fucking dead!”
Tears started running down his cheeks, and I did the next best thing and moved closer to him, sitting down cross-legged in front of him and pulling him close to me.
“You were dreaming.”
I carefully stroked his back.
Julian let his body sink against mine, his head leaning against my shoulder, and I wanted to pull him even closer.
“She’ll never come back,” he whispered into my tank top, crying, and it sounded so serious that my worry grew by the second.
“Who’s not coming back?” I asked cautiously.
I pulled Julian further into the hug so that he didn’t have to arch quite so much to get to me and could place his head more comfortably on my shoulder.
“Mum.”
It had only taken that one word, and something inside me burst. Julian had been dreaming about his mother.
I was at the height of overwhelmed.
Julian continued to shake, which made me pull the blanket tighter around him in the hope that he would calm down on his own.
Not a word escaped my lips as we sat there, him leaning against me, his head against the top of my pajamas.
Whenever people were unwell, I felt overwhelmed. Hugs had become the go-to solution for me and my mother the worse it had gotten with her fake cancer, and Larissa had held me when Mum’s diagnoses had continued to worsen.
False diagnoses. Lies.
But this was real.
I leaned down a little toward Julian, but he instinctively turned his gaze away. Then he broke away from me, moved back to the bedstead, and turned his crumpled face away from me.
Shit . He was uncomfortable.
Should I get up and leave? Move closer to him again? Or was that too much? Should I try to talk to him about it?
I didn’t do any of the things I could have done, instead I sat there like a dog waiting for a command and leaned against my bookshelf.
Light A Fire
Rachel Taylor
The sound of water pouring from the gutter under my window came from outside, almost drowning out the drops drumming against the window pane.
There had been a thunderstorm during the night, and a glance at the now closed window told me that the night was not yet completely over. Maybe it was four o’clock... or five?
“I’m sorry...” Julian whispered in a fragile voice that told me he was doing everything he could to hide his tears.
I would have liked to tell him that he didn’t have to be, but since he had moved away from me, I was unsure where his boundaries lay. He shouldn’t have to do anything.
“You don’t have to be sorry...”
“Yes, I do,” he replied quickly.
What was he sorry for? He’d had a bad dream, and that should be okay.
“I don’t usually sleep at friends’ houses.” He played with the end of the fairy lights, whose light had dimmed a little. “And I haven’t had nightmares for a long time either, not these. That’s why I wasn’t worried and...”
“You don’t have to apologize,” I tried to make it clear once and for all, and that was the moment when Julian looked up for the first time and I caught his gaze.
His olive tan was what kept his handsome face from looking like a living corpse.
He exhaled, exhausted, and leaned his head back, giving me an uninterrupted view of his Adam’s apple. My gaze traveled further down to where the blanket failed to cover anything, revealing one muscular shoulder with arteries running along it like the roots of a tree. If I were an artist, I would have liked to paint him.
Embarrassed by my inappropriate thoughts, I looked back at the window where long veins of water ran down.
I couldn’t just sit here and stare at him, I had to do something...
“Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?”
Julian just stared at me, and I was afraid I had touched the wrong spot. Again, I watched him closely until he finally shook his head.
I bit my lower lip.
He had no one to talk to and had probably been carrying this crap around with him for half an eternity. I was curious, wanted to know what had happened, so much that I felt ashamed again, because it was none of my business.
And yet I said, “If you ever feel the need, I’m here. And I’m a good listener.”
Julian faced me again, and he looked me straight in the eye.
“I mean, it would only be fair and...” He looked at me, but something in his gaze had changed. “That doesn’t mean you have to or anything...” I stuttered on and looked at Julian, who was looking at me as if I were a ghost. There was a strange new gleam in his eyes. “I just want you to have someone, because everyone should be able to share their thoughts and... have someone to talk...”
A slight smile settled on his lips. “Thanks Bay.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off his, and yet something inside me relaxed. The fear of having built a wall between us disappeared immediately, and all that remained was the physical distance between him and me, between our eyes. Whenever I looked into his for too long, I would sink into them unintentionally.
A voice inside me protested immediately. Then there was another voice that wanted to say something, to give him a compliment. I did my best to suppress it until the urge was stifled and the voice of reason took over.
“When’s your date?”
As if I’d pressed a button, the gleam disappeared from Julian’s eyes, and he ran both hands over his face.
Forest Rain And Thunder (Seamless)
Earth Thunder Sounds 2021
“ Shit . Tomorrow.” He looked at me again, the gleam gone for good, but also the pain, which had definitely originated in his dream. “And I still don’t know how to act around her.” Julian sounded stressed, which I hadn’t expected.
I raised both eyebrows. “You shouldn’t worry so much, maybe take a shower first so you don’t smell like a dog, unless Emely is into that sort of stuff.”
Julian looked at me like I’d cracked a bad joke. “So, I smell like a dog?”
“No, that’s not what I mean,” I laughed.
I had only once consciously breathed in his smell before.
“But you said so,” he protested worriedly.
“You Senseque do smell different. But that’s not what I meant.”
“So, I smell bad?”
“No, I... I have no idea!” What did he think? That I was sniffing him? “Ask Emely, not me!”
I laughed, embarrassed, and a slight smile appeared on his lips. I had managed to distract him.
“What’s the point of having friends if they don’t even know that about you?” Julian said with a grin.
A slight stab in my heart. That was all I could feel as I tried to smile with fake annoyance and his grin widened. His messy hair reminded me of someone.
“You better make sure you don’t walk around like Professor Copeland.”
And then we both laughed, and even though it felt real, there was this twinge. I started to feel bad, only for what?
“God, Bay, you really motivate people,” Julian sighed, grinning at me again like he’d never had a bad dream.
I couldn’t stop laughing. “You’re lucky Larissa isn’t here. She would have given you a lecture right now.”
“No, thanks!”
The slipping blanket revealed his well-trained upper body.
I couldn’t help but stare at him. I would have done that with any man.
“What?” he finally asked, stretching both his arms back, which put his upper body even more in the spotlight.
“I’ve been wondering the whole time if that’s a Senseque thing or if you just train obsessively,” I said quickly, managing not to blush for once.
“A Senseque thing,” he laughed softly and straightened up.
I, too, braced myself on the floorboards and was about to rise when there was a short crack and I slipped to the side... or rather the floorboard gave way under my hand and broke in half.
“Ouch,” I hissed, inwardly cursing this old house.
“Are you all right? Did you hurt yourself?”
I looked at my hand, which had a few bloody scratches on it, but quickly hid it behind my back.
“It’s all right,” I said hastily.
Julian definitely shouldn’t be worried about me .
“You sure?” He raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah.” I looked down at the damage I’d done. “Fuck. Mum’s going to kill me.”
Julian bent down, and I quickly looked at my hand. I held my breath in amazement. The scratches had disappeared...
Crack.
Startled, I looked at Julian, who had completely torn out the white wooden plank and was now holding it in his hand.
“What are you doing?”
I looked at him dumbfounded.
“Planks like this are unstable for a reason,” Julian said, reaching for the spot where the plank had just been and pulled out a handful of paper.
My jaw dropped when I recognized Alice’s handwriting.