Chapter 25
Adrián wrenched the main door open with too much force, but Mónica didn’t seem to notice as she swept into the room with her chin high and a wounded air. He wondered what he’d done wrong and then caught himself. Whatever this was, it wasn’t about him any more, no matter what his ex-wife thought. He didn’t need to be defensive.
But she stepped up close, grasping his upper arms and tipping her face to his and unease whipped up his throat.
‘I’m so confused!’ she cried in Spanish. ‘I’m supposed to be getting married tomorrow and I don’t know if it’s the right thing!’
‘Supposed to be?’ he repeated, his voice high. His dismay at the prospect of the wedding not taking place was a new development.
‘I don’t even remember why we got divorced, Adrián!’
Knowing Jo wouldn’t understand the Spanish was only a small comfort as he gulped with misgiving. ‘You were unhappy,’ he reminded her.
‘I’m unhappy now and that’s not your fault!’
He gritted his teeth. ‘It’s not Ben’s fault either. Don’t you love him?’
‘I loved you,’ she said and the cold tingle on Adrián’s skin was another surprise. It was discomfort, repulsion even.
‘You weren’t sure about that at one time,’ he pointed out.
‘Love isn’t how I thought,’ she said with a sniff. ‘There’s something I need to do. I can’t get married without it. Will you help me?’
‘Hmm?’
‘I need you to kiss me,’ she said emphatically.
‘No,’ he said categorically, panic simmering in his stomach at the thought of Jo hiding on the other side of the flimsy bathroom door, probably remembering Ben cheating on her.
‘I need to remember what it was like so I can find some perspective on marrying Ben!’
‘No!’ he said more firmly. ‘I’m not going to kiss the bride the night before the wedding!’
‘I’m asking you to help me! Why not?’
‘I don’t want to!’ he said, throwing his arms out for emphasis and groaning when the movement jerked his bad shoulder. ‘It won’t solve anything anyway. I’m your past, Mónica – at least any romantic relationship we had.’
‘You used to call me “mi amor”,’ she said softly.
‘What does Ben call you?’ he prompted.
‘Mónica,’ she said with a grimace. ‘He doesn’t understand that sounds so distant. British people can be so distant.’
‘I know what you mean,’ he responded. ‘But to him, your name means something precious.’ The way his name spoken in Jo’s voice was his favourite way to hear it.
‘How do you know that?’
‘He wouldn’t be here marrying you if he didn’t love you.’
‘But he had Jo,’ she added, her voice cracking.
‘And I can guarantee he’s not in Jo’s room asking to kiss her right now. He’s probably in his own room dreaming of seeing you walk down the aisle tomorrow.’
She took a step backwards and plopped onto the bed, her hand rising to her forehead. ‘I’m so stupid.’
‘You’re not,’ he said kindly. ‘It’s an emotional time. Maybe we skipped this part by having a low-key wedding. Maybe you have the right idea now, celebrating the magnitude of the commitment.’
‘I don’t… what if I don’t deserve him? He’s so strong and in-control.’
Unlike me, he thought with a wry smile. ‘You don’t have to deserve him. You only have to love him.’
‘And he has to love me,’ she added with a pout.
‘I’m pretty sure he does, but what do I know? I understand it’s tradition not to see the bride the night before the wedding, but you’re thirty-nine years old, not a blushing virgin. Go knock on his door instead of mine.’
She peered up at him. ‘You seem different. More assertive,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘I like it.’
‘That’s… nice,’ he muttered in reply. ‘But you don’t have to like me any more.’ His gaze flitted to the bathroom of its own will, marvelling at the truth of those words. If only Jo could understand them. ‘You don’t need to be here tonight, Mónica. Go and get some sleep.’
To his surprise – and relief – she took his advice, rising from the bed with a sigh and trudging to the door. When she paused, Adrián noticed she was looking at Jo’s shirt, scrunched up on the floor, and he held his breath.
When Mónica turned back to him, her expression was pensive and perhaps a little wry. ‘I’m sorry I disturbed you. Good night, Adrián.’ She left with her head as high as when she’d arrived, a tight smile on her lips.
Jo had never been claustrophobic, but her chest was tight and she couldn’t seem to suck enough air into her lungs in the abject darkness of the cramped bathroom. She’d been so concerned with her dramatic departure that she’d forgotten to turn on the light and the switch was on the outside. Her leg bounced with the need to escape – the bathroom, the situation, her life!
The voices outside the door grew louder, Adrián’s tone sharp, and then the hotel room door opened and closed with a final snick and Adrián sighed so deeply she heard it where she was hyperventilating in the dark. The bathroom door flew open and as desperate as she’d been to get out, she cringed away from the light – away from Adrián.
‘Jo?’ he asked, his voice raw. ‘You didn’t turn the light on? Are you okay? Mierda, I’m so sorry she came by.’
She rose to brush past him, but his hand clasped her upper arm. She had to go. She didn’t want to do this, couldn’t fathom how she’d ended up here, freaking out and upset and just as small as she’d ever felt with Ben.
Swiping her shirt up and refusing to remember the tenderness of his kisses on her skin or think what would have happened if Mónica had recognised her clothing on the floor of Adrián’s room, she shoved it over her head and slipped her arms in.
‘Jo, talk to me,’ he said, an edge to his voice. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘I can’t do this,’ she muttered.
‘This… the kissing? We don’t have to do that.’
‘None of it! I can’t do any of it! I don’t know what I was thinking, letting myself get involved with you of all people, with Ben mixed up in all this!’
‘I told Mónica not to get me involved. I told her – I was quite proud of myself actually – that I’m not her anything any more. I even meant it!’
Jo swallowed. ‘That’s nice, but it’s not true. You’re a co-parent. You’re her ex-husband. She turned up at your room when you were about to get it on with someone new! I’m not— I can’t take the ups and downs of this – the fear, the resentment against Mónica. It’s such a mess and I was just starting to hope I could be happy as I was.’
He gulped visibly. He liked her – maybe even a lot. She didn’t want to see him with his brow knit in consternation, hurt and disappointment on his face. But she’d hated hearing him with his ex and it was safer just to stay away.
But she wasn’t prepared for what he said next. ‘I’ve seen you happy, Jo,’ he murmured. ‘You’re stronger than this.’
‘It’s not about being strong,’ she insisted. ‘I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to feel out of control like this. I have kids who rely on me to keep the family together!’
‘I know the timing is bad?—’
‘When is a good time to get involved with the ex-husband of your ex-husband’s wife?’ Every time she said those words, they sounded worse. ‘It’s bad enough that I have to be here to watch him, wonder if he’s making a huge mistake.’
Adrián was looking at her, but with none of that spark of intensity she’d remarked on when they’d first been stuck with each other in Lourdes. Another coil of grief wrapped itself around her heart. She should never have grown so attached to him. Here was a moment of heartache she should have avoided, but she’d walked right into it.
‘Wondering if he made a huge mistake not coming after you five years ago?’
Heat rose in Jo’s cheeks. Had she meant that? Did she still have feelings for Ben? Surely she wouldn’t be so mixed up about Adrián if she did. She didn’t even know how she felt any more, except for afraid and cynical and angry.
‘Part of me agrees, he’s an idiot for letting you go,’ Adrián said softly. ‘But mostly I wish I had nothing to do with him. Maybe I wish I’d never married Mónica.’
‘But you did. It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you for my feelings,’ she said, squeezing his forearm out of habit and then tears pricked as she realised she shouldn’t be touching him. ‘I’m the problem. I can’t do this again.’
‘Do what?’ he asked, his voice rising. ‘I’m not suggesting we get married tomorrow! I just thought maybe we could… date back in London!’
‘Date?’ Jo repeated with a bad taste in her mouth. ‘After everything that went wrong with Ben, dating is my idea of hell.’
‘Casual sex on a road trip was okay, though?’
‘Don’t put it like that,’ she scolded. ‘It doesn’t do either of us justice.’
‘But you regret what happened?’ he prompted, his tone dark. He reminded her of the man who’d got angry about checking in his guitar and snapped at her when upset. Those recollections didn’t help her resolve, though. She’d never believed he was perfect, but he’d been real and that was somehow better – or worse.
‘I didn’t at the time,’ she assured him. ‘But now… I just have to get through the wedding.’
‘And then? After they get married, do you think you’ll be able to leave Ben behind then?’
‘I don’t know,’ she snapped in reply. ‘But I know I can’t make you any promises!’
‘No one can make fucking promises! I know this is complicated, but when I was talking to Mónica, I finally realised her feelings had nothing to do with me. But you? Ben is still there, making you frightened.’
‘So walk away!’ she dared him. ‘From me. You don’t deserve this.’
‘Neither do you!’
‘It’s my life. You’ve found your exit. You can walk away from this stupid wedding and start again, so do it.’
He drew back and stared at her, his eyes wide and fiery and his brow low and she wished he wasn’t quite so handsome. The blasted man had always been inconveniently handsome. ‘Will you come with me? Into a new start?’
She shook her head immediately and he stared up at the ceiling with a groan. ‘We can’t be each other’s new start, not when Mónica appears and opens everything up wide again.’
‘You didn’t understand the conversation in Spanish,’ he insisted with a shake of his head. ‘It wasn’t about me. It was about Ben.’
Jo’s shoulders slumped as his words washed over her with the opposite effect from the one he’d intended. She remembered Ben apologising for sleeping with his colleague, panicked and regretful. She recognised Adrián probably didn’t realise he was lying, but he was – and that was its own small betrayal.
‘There was more to it than that,’ she accused, making his gaze snap to hers indignantly. ‘I don’t speak Spanish,’ she agreed smoothly, ‘but there is a word I’ve learned in the past week that she definitely said. “Bésame”. She said bésame. She wanted you to kiss her!’
‘But I didn’t do it!’ he insisted.
‘I know. I understood “no” in Spanish too. But she wanted to. And I listened to her say it and I—’ Damn it, the tears were pricking her eyes again, remembering how she’d tried to hold herself together in the bathroom – and that morning after confronting Mónica, that afternoon while talking to Liss on the beach. ‘I don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to wonder. I just… don’t need any of this.’
He studied her, his expression slowly closing in until his brow was pinched and his lips pursed and his long eyelashes bunched over narrowed eyes. ‘I know the situation is shit,’ he said softly, ‘but I thought it would be worth it – I thought we would be worth it. You would be worth it to me, Jo.’
She slammed her eyes shut. She had fault lines and weak places where she’d tried to glue herself back together, but they were so close to ripping open again. She should never have believed she could do this.
‘We should get back to the kids,’ she mumbled, whirling towards the door, needing the perspective of sitting next to her children to remember who she was, that she would make everything okay because it had to be okay for them.
But it didn’t help. She slipped back into her hotel room to see a little black-haired boy leaning his head on Liss’s arm as he stared, gluey-eyed, at the laptop propped at the end of the bed. Dec was doing something on his phone on the single bed, but Liss was watching avidly as well, with half a smile.
When Liss looked up and that smile abruptly fell from her face, Jo’s composure slipped as well. Giving a slight shake of her head, she just climbed onto the bed, Liss and Oscar moving over to make room for her. Adrián followed her into the room and perched silently on the other side, wrapping his arms around Oscar when his son climbed into his lap as the next short episode of the animated series started up with its jaunty song.
As the little family of dogs went about their daily life, with their moments of touching normality and overwhelming love and goodwill, Jo blubbered nonstop, worse than the mystic spring at Lourdes. She felt Adrián’s alarmed glances and Liss’s hand slipping into hers and squeezing, but there was nothing she could do to stop, even if she wanted to.
Liss put her to bed she didn’t know how much later, she was so exhausted. She’d been crying inside for so long, it didn’t seem strange to have cried on the outside.