Accidentally Checked By My Brother’s Best Friend (Accidentally In Sports #3)

31. Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Duncan

Shifting, I feel a tightness in my neck and a heaviness on my side. Taking a deep breath, I slowly open my eyes. When I look down, I find Ava’s body resting against me. I inhale deeply and let the scent of sandalwood permeate my senses.

My lip lifts and a lightness fills my chest. Waking up with her in my arms is something I haven’t let myself want for a very long time. Honestly, this is better than my imagination could have concocted.

If waking up with Ava every morning meant I would have to agree to having a stiff neck for the rest of my life, I would gladly endure the pain.

Leaning over, I gently kiss the top of her head and feel her snuggle into my side while making the cutest little protest.

“Good morning, beautiful,” I whisper hoarsely in her hair, loving the feel of it against my lips. “I have to get up and start getting ready.”

Tightening her arms around my waist, my heart stops before skittering back to life a bit faster than normal. “Nooo. Stay here with me a bit longer,” she grumbles.

“I can’t,” I groan. Having her beg me to stay with her when I have to get moving is pure agony. “I have a game. You, however, can lay here for as long as you want. Well, until I have to leave and drop you off at David’s.”

“It’s too early,” she mumbles, and my grin expands as she tries to convince me to stay.

“Actually, it’s later than I normally get up on game days.” I give her a squeeze, my chest rumbling. Feeling her arms tighten around me again, my stomach tightens and I grouse. “But I’d like nothing better than to stay here with you.”

“Then stay.” Ava looks up at me, her eyes are bright and her skin is radiant. I start to shake my head. “Just ten minutes more. Please.”

Gazing into her eyes, I feel every ounce of me resisting getting up from the couch, away from her. “You’re killing me,” I gripe, kissing her forehead. Grudgingly I untangle myself from her.

“Fine, be that way,” she whines, dramatically flinging herself on the couch where I was sitting and pulling a throw pillow under her head. Blowing out a breath, her splayed out hair flows up and I catch a glimpse of the smile lining her lips.

Watching her like this has my stomach doing funny things. This is not the put together version of Ava I’ve always known.

This version of her is irresistible and my heart tugs. I want nothing more than to forget that I have things to do and stay entangled in her arms, but I need to start my day. Leaning over her, I pull one of the throw blankets from the back and tuck it around her.

Eyes still closed she reaches out and grabs my hand just as I go to turn away. “Duncan?” she says softly.

The corner of my mouth lifts. “Yes?”

“I had a great time yesterday.” Her voice runs over me like a soft summer breeze and I melt a little inside.

“I did too,” I say gruffly. I hear her soft breathing, and her grip on my hand loosens.

A lopsided grin crosses my face at the fact that she fell back asleep. Tucking her hand next to her body, I gently push her hair out of her face and run a finger over her cheek. Her skin is soft against my rough finger.

Suddenly feeling stuck in quicksand, I realize I don’t want this moment to end. So instead of walking away, I allow myself some extra time to indulge in watching her sleep a bit longer.

My heart beats in a firm, steady rhythm against my ribcage. For the first time since I saw her at David’s, I let myself admire her with the eyes of a man in love.

Everything about her is perfect, and there’s no point denying my feelings to myself anymore.

My stomach twists as old fear grips me. If she rejects me again, the devastation I’ll feel this time will be astronomical. The first time I fell in love with her, I was a boy, and I bounced back, but I’m not sure this man's heart will be able to do that.

Who am I kidding? My heart never really bounced back.

This situation came about because Ava needed help. But the feelings I have, and I think she has, aren’t fake. Right?

But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m still not the person she wants? What if…

Stop!

Running a hand through my hair, I blow out a breath. Finn was right. I need to find out how Ava feels and what she wants. And I need to do it soon.

Things with Nathan are dying down, meaning we could probably put a deadline on when ‘we’re’ done.

If that’s what she wants.

Me? I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but if that’s not what she wants, I need to get out now. Before my shattered heart will be beyond repair.

Glancing down at her one last time, I feel my chest expand. The shock I felt at learning she was single floats around me. Never in my mind's remotest recesses did I dream I’d be here with her.

Getting a second chance.

A heaviness of a different kind than Ava resting on me hits my chest, and I sigh. Turning around, I walk to my bedroom. The first thing I need to do, before taking a shower, is get my head in the right space to play hockey.

Ava, and what this is will have to wait a bit longer.

But right now I know exactly who to call.

Scrubbing my head with a towel, I stop and stare at stormy green eyes looking back at me.

“There is no easy way to do this, Dunc,” David said when I called. “You just have to decide that it’s what you’re going to do.”

My brow furrows at his words. “But I do…”

“No,” he interjects. “You think you do…just like I thought I did. But when everything you’ve worked for your entire life moves into second place. You realize you truly didn’t.”

“Second place?” My brow pulled together trying to understand what David was saying to me. He always put baseball first, I watched him do it. I have no clue what he’s talking about.

“Yes, second place,” he says firmly. “When I fell in love with Fiona, baseball took second place. I had to work every moment to ensure my head was in the right place for every game. Fiona understood and supported that, but everything I did was for her. When she passed away…”

Waiting for him to continue, I remember how he was after Fi’s death. My brother was barely holding it together, but firm that he needed to do it alone. Everything was falling apart—especially his play on the field.

“Everything just crumbled. Nothing seemed important. The only reason I got up every morning was for Scarlett. She became my why. But she wasn’t enough when it came to my performance. I had to learn a whole new way. I had to decide.”

“Decide what? I don’t understand.”

“Decide to turn it over. Decide that this is just what I would do and then do it.” I can hear David exhale just before he continues. “At some point I started playing for Fiona and our life together. When I lost her, that didn’t work anymore. And I needed to decide that no matter what showed up in my life, how scared, sad, heartbroken I was that it was okay for me to go on living. I decided to play for myself and allow myself to enjoy it. And not only that. I had to give myself permission. Permission to love baseball again.”

Running my hand up and down my face I groan. “You’re not speaking English.”

David’s chuckle irritates me, making me want to reach through the phone and shake him.

“But I am,” he says patiently. “I know it doesn’t make sense. It was hard for me to grasp too. Until I decided.”

“Decided what ?” I grumble, unable to keep the frustration from my voice.

“To shut it all out.” Silence greets me as I take in his words, trying to decipher his code. “ All of it. The sadness that was so heavy I thought I was going to die, the voices that told me life was over. The feeling that I would never be happy again. The belief that playing baseball, a sport, was somehow betraying the memory of the woman I loved more than life itself.”

Shaking my head I exhale and squeeze my neck. I can’t relate to his feelings when it comes to this type of loss.

But don’t I already do what he’s saying? I thought I did, but maybe I’m not? This is so confusing.

“Do you remember what you did after my wedding? When Ava said no?” David asks softly, and I stop breathing. “You shut everyone out. You moved across the country and were completely off the grid for six months. Not taking phone calls, returning texts. Just focused.”

The shock that David knew about Ava, is replaced by the memories that flood me. It was make or break for me and I nearly lost everything I had worked for. But I didn’t because I blocked my past out. By not allowing anything but hockey to be my focus, I could keep my eyes on the prize. To be the starting goalie of an NHL team.

I had setbacks when Ava would have a new movie out, or I would see her, but I pulled it together because I had to. I was desperate.

“Duncan,” David’s voice breaks through my past and jolts me back to the present. “The difference between now and then, is that you can’t run from your past. Your past has become your present. Until you can reconcile the two and find peace with them, you will struggle deciding.”

“If you say decide one more time, Yoda, I’m not sure I can be held accountable for what I do to you.”

His laughter rings through the phone and my grip on it tightens. “I get it. I felt the same.”

“Can you try explaining it another way?” I ask, clenching and unclenching my hand.

“What are you afraid of right now? What fear keeps you from being in the moment when you’re in front of the goal?” His question sucker punches me, making it hard to breathe. He’s right, fear is ruling my world at the moment. But how do I just let that go? “For me it was that I would be happy again without Fiona. I felt like I was somehow betraying her by loving baseball and being good at it.”

“That’s silly, Fi would never have wanted you to feel that way. She loved watching you play.” When David laughs at me, I finally get what he’s saying. “But then you decided it was okay.”

“I decided it was okay. I also remembered how much Fiona loved everything about me playing. Every moment she celebrated my wins, she made sacrifices to support where I was. She was okay sharing my love of baseball with my love for her and our life together.”

Closing my eyes, I let his words sink in. I still don’t know how I will do what he says, but I finally understand what he’s saying. I decided long ago to do whatever was necessary to become a professional hockey player.

Now I need to decide that I want to keep being one. Regardless of whatever is happening with outside circumstances. Tightness grips my chest as fear runs rampant. But can I do this?

“If I can do it, Duncan, you can do it. Just decide it will be okay,” David answers the question I’m asking internally. “Regardless of what happens, it will be okay. Let your focus be where you are and in the present moment. Don’t let any other possibilities creep in. Just play your game. The rest will fall into place.”

Blowing out a breath, I put toothpaste on my toothbrush and begin brushing my teeth.

This simple decision to not let my teeth rot confirms what David said, but I’m still unsure how to implement it where Ava and hockey are concerned.

Just decide. Just decide. Just decide.

Shaking my head I chuckle at myself, but then my hand freezes in my mouth and my eyes round.

What if Ava decides , again, that I’m not the one for her?