Epilogue
Brendan
Something’s tickling my nose, so I wiggle it, not wanting to wake up just yet. But the little fingers continue to dance across my face and, as much as I try not to, I smile. Her excited giggles break through the morning silence, and I know I’ve lost.
Opening my eyes, mischievous big caramel ones stare back at me.
“I tickle you, Papa,” Milly says, fingers now under my chin, her laughter growing louder.
“You’re a cheeky little monkey, aren’t you?” I take her tiny hand and press a kiss to it. “Maybe I should eat these naughty fingers.” I open my mouth wide and lunge dramatically for her hand.
She squeals in delight then jumps onto the bed in a fit of giggles. Leaning closer, she cups her hands around her mouth and whispers in my ear. “Papa, Daddy is still sound sleeping. Is he super-super-duper tired?”
Ky is indeed still asleep and plastered to my back, his face nuzzled into my hair as always. “Daddy was up durin’ the night with Ollie.”
Milly gasps and places her hand over her mouth, and I smile at her theatrics. “Oh, no! Did Ollie have bad dream, Papa?”
“Nah, I think his gums are sore cos he’s gettin’ a new tooth.”
Milly sighs dramatically, shaking her head. “Poor Ollie. Poor Daddy.”
She’s three, going on thirty-three, and I love her and Ollie so much it scares the hell out of me. I constantly stress about them; they’re so fragile and the world seems too damn dangerous. Yeah, I’m that dad—trying to keep all the evil from getting anywhere near my babies.
Ky is more easy-going, and I envy him. That’s not to say he doesn’t worry.
He’s an incredibly present and attentive father and parenting side-by-side with him has healed parts of me I never thought possible.
We both came from terrible families, but together we’ve created a home where love is nourished and can grow abundantly.
And I’m damned proud that I turned out to be pretty decent at this dad thing.
Milly’s unbrushed hair falls across her forehead, and I tuck it behind her ear.
“Daddy needs to wake up soon cos it’s Lu’s graduation day and we can’t be late. Why don’t you tickle him awake too?” I suggest.
Milly purses her lips and places her index finger to her mouth. “Shhhhhh,” she says as she climbs over me and on top of Ky. I turn around to watch, my husband stirring as soon as I move.
Milly’s excited high pitched voice yells, “Tickle, tickle, tickle,” as she attacks his face and neck.
“Is this the tickle monster?” he bellows as he grabs her, sitting up and lifting her into the air.
Milly shrieks, feigning fear, enthralled in their game.
“I’m going to tickle the tickle monster and then eat her for breakfast.” Ky places her down on her back, tickling her tummy as she kicks her legs and squeals with laughter.
“Help me, Papa! Save me!” Her eyes are wide with delight. Ky lifts her pyjama top and blows raspberries on her tummy, and she giggles even more. “Daddy, Daddy, stop!” Ky does as he’s told, smiling down at her, waiting, knowing what comes next.
“No, don’t stop, don’t stop,” she says. Ky starts up again, Milly giggling so much she begins to hiccup.
I could watch them play together all day.
Milly’s full name is Mila Davies-Young and biologically she is mine. Our matching brown hair and eyes are a dead giveaway, although she is very tall for her age and has deep olive skin—qualities which we assume she’s inherited from her biological mother.
“Dada Dada. Pa Pa,” sounds through the baby monitor.
“I’ll go,” I say, sitting up and stealing a quick kiss from Ky. Milly’s little hands immediately try to push our faces apart.
“No, no, Papa,” she says, wagging her index finger at me like a strict old schoolteacher. “Daddy can kiss me, and you can kiss me, and you two can hug if I say you can. But no kissing. Kay?”
We both chuckle. For the last six months she’s been interrupting us every time we show any affection towards each another.
Now we need to be sneaky, stealing a quick peck whenever she’s not looking.
As for behind closed doors, I can say that after five years of marriage, the attraction between me and Ky only grows stronger.
“Milly, let’s go get started on breakfast.” She agrees and jumps onto Ky for a piggyback ride downstairs.
Down the hall in Ollie’s room, I find our baby boy standing in his crib, babbling away.
He seems happy this morning so hopefully he’s having a reprieve from the pain of his tooth.
He’s the sweetest, softest little boy and I can’t get over how much he looks like Kyle—his fine blonde hair falling in soft waves and his giant blue eyes framed with long, fair lashes.
Picking him up, I place him on my hip and kiss the top of his head.
“Hey, my beautiful boy. You feelin’ better this mornin’? ”
Ollie smiles, bright, alert eyes gazing up at me. “Pa, Pa, go go,” he says, pointing to the door.
“We gotta change your nappy first.”
Originally, we only intended to have one child together but by the time Milly was twelve months old I already wanted another. Ky had his little version of me in her, but I didn’t have my little version of Ky.
We had the money due to the success of my business, the bulk of my work now in large commercial contracts. The biggest benefit is that I can afford to employ a manager and work fewer hours, giving me the time to enjoy fatherhood.
Ky cut back on work too. After taking six months off when Mila was born, he only wanted to return part-time, giving him the work/life balance he always wanted.
Finishing with the nappy, I return Ollie to my hip.
His first birthday is next week, and he’s already taking a few tentative steps here and there.
Both kids have the same egg donor, which we were so grateful for, giving them a biological tie to each other.
While they have different hair, eye, and skin colouring, they do have similar-shaped faces, noses and mouths. You can see they are siblings.
Downstairs in the kitchen I find father and daughter making pancakes together. Ky has Milly standing on a chair at the kitchen counter mixing the batter with a wooden spoon as he hovers close by.
“Dada, Dada,” Ollie says, reaching out to him. Passing Ollie over, I take the opportunity to sneak in another kiss and a squeeze of my husband’s bum.
“Good morning bubba,” Ky says, peppering our son’s face with kisses.
Lu bursts into the kitchen, startling us all. “It’s today!” she exclaims, arms thrown out wide. “The day has finally arrived. I was beginning to think graduation would never actually happen.”
“Just enjoy it, pumpkin. You’ve worked so hard.” Ky kisses her good morning on the forehead.
Lu turns to me. “Pops, Ethan’s definitely coming, right?”
“He wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
After a lot of congestion in the kitchen—including kids being passed around as we cook—we finally sit at the table for breakfast. Lu is always on hand to help with her younger siblings, who she adores.
When Kyle and I get asked about our kids, we say we have four, because Ky thinks of Ethan as his child just as I do Lu.
Ethan is now twenty-seven and working in medical research.
He and his girlfriend, Grace, are serious, and I’m certain he will propose soon.
Part of me worries they’re too young to get married, but, on the other hand, I’m excited by the prospect of becoming a grandfather someday soon.
As breakfast finishes up, Ky tells Lu not to worry about clean-up and sends her off to get ready.
She’s graduating from Monash Uni today after completing her bachelor’s degree in psychology.
Next year she’ll commence her masters in her quest to become a clinical psychologist. One day she hopes to specialise in child and adolescent counselling.
We couldn’t be prouder of her and the accomplished young woman she’s become.
Ky heads upstairs to get the kids ready while I take on kitchen duty. I can hear Milly working her magic on her dad as they ascend the stairs.
“Daddy, I want the blue one. Pleeeeease Daddy the blue one.”
She’s talking about what dress she’d like to wear.
Ky prefers the purple, saying it’s more suitable for the occasion, while Milly has her heart set on the blue because it’s her favourite colour.
The two of them have been in talks for the last three days, negotiating with the intensity of two generals discussing the conditions for a ceasefire.
“Milly, I will agree to the blue dress if you promise to eat your veggies every night for an entire week. Do we have a deal?”
“Daddy, I can only promise two nights. And that’s my final deal!”
I burst into laughter. Our daughter drives a hard bargain and is smart as a whip.
I can’t hear them anymore, but I know Milly will be at the graduation ceremony in her blue dress and she’ll eat her vegetables for precisely two nights.
I could tease Ky for letting our three-year-old manipulate him, but there’d be no point—Milly has us both wrapped around her little finger.
An hour later, as we are tumbling out the front door, we almost collide with Ethan bounding up our front steps. “Hey, everythin’ okay?” I ask. “I thought we were gonna meet you and Grace there?”
“Hey Dad,” Ethan says, giving me a hug. “I thought it would be nice if we all went as a family. It is a big occasion.”
Lu pushes past, planting a peck to Ethan’s cheek. “Oh thank God you’re here. I need to ask these two something and I need reinforcements.”
Ky frowns. “Ask us what, young lady?”
Everyone turns to Lu and waits.
“Jeez, it’s not that big of a deal. Chill. I was just wondering if it’d be okay to invite this guy over tomorrow for the celebration BBQ. His name’s Matthew.”
Ethan bursts into laughter but promptly stops when Ky and I give him the death stare.
“Hey,” Ethan says, holding his hands up in surrender. “It had to happen sometime. She is twenty-one.”
“Exactly!” Lu exclaims. “So, is it okay?”
Ky glances nervously at me and then back to Lu. She’s been on some dates, but nothing serious. This is a good thing. We were getting concerned that she was only focused on her career and a little scared of being in a relationship.
“Of course,” Ky finally says, plastering on a fake smile. “It’ll give us a chance to have a friendly chat with this Matthew boy.”
“Yeah,” I chime in. “We can see what sort of man he is.”
“You two!” Lucinda scolds. “Please don’t give him a hard time, he’s a really nice guy.”
“Okay, I’ll be nice,” Ky says, picking up Milly, who’s tugging on his arm. “Bren, you’ll be nice tomorrow, won’t you?”
Nodding, I say, “I’ll be nice, but I’ll let him know that I’ll break his kneecaps if he hurts you.”
Lu rolls her eyes. “Oh my God, you’re both unbelievable, especially considering all the things you two were getting up to way younger than me. I’m twenty-one for God’s sake. I’m an adult! Come on, let’s go or we’ll be late.”
“Lu, they’ve got a point though,” Ethan says. “You can’t be too careful these days.”
“Not you too! Ah men are so annoying sometimes. I can look after myself and make good choices. Come on Milly, us girls have got to stick together.”
Little Ollie starts giggling and that’s all it takes to break the tension. We pile into the SUV poking fun at each other.
There are days I cannot believe I ended up so lucky, living a life I dared not even dream of as a child.
I turn to look at my family in the back seats—Ethan and Lu, and our babies, Milly and Ollie.
They’re all chatting, excited for the day ahead.
My gaze shifts to Ky, the first and last boy I’ll ever love.
My husband, my ride or die. My everything.
I sometimes wonder if he knows the truth about Bruce’s death—that it wasn’t purely self-defence.
On my darkest days, I accept that I murdered Bruce, and on my best, I know I saved Ky.
The night he put two and two together that it was me who hired a guy to beat up James, I saw a strange look flash across his face.
I thought he’d connected the dots, and I was afraid he would call me out.
But I never want him to know the truth. I’ll take it to my grave because I could never place that burden of guilt upon his shoulders.
I did it to protect him, and if I had a do-over, I’d take that shot again.
I don’t regret it for a single fucking second.
I smile at Ky, so damn grateful for what we have, for what we’ve built together.
He takes my hand and places a kiss to my knuckles. “Some days I can’t believe it either,” he says.
I’m not surprised he knows what I’m thinking. “I love you,” I say, eyes watering up.
“Love you too, babe.”
Ky leans across the centre console and kisses me. He still makes my heart skip and my face blush.
“Daddy and Papa, I said, “NO KISSING!”
The entire car bursts into laughter once again. All except Milly, who crosses her arms and pouts.
“Alright, let’s go see Lu graduate.” Ky puts the car into gear and pulls out of the driveway; his fingers still firmly laced with mine.