25. The Entertainer
TWENTY-FIVE
The Entertainer
Sunday, 1 September, 6.30am
Can’t sleep for worrying things might be awkward with Ace on the train today. It’ll probably take time to go back to where we were before the kiss.
When I was saying goodbye to Tony yesterday, I thanked him for the advice in the pub.
‘I hope you find someone soon, Sophia. Although sometimes a person can miss what’s under their nose,’ he whispered, nodding towards Ace.
‘And there was I thinking you were a perceptive relationship advisor,’ I teased him. ‘No, we’re old friends. Nothing is going to happen there.’
‘Think about it,’ he said, smiling.
11.30pm
Everything was fine on the train, but as I looked at Ace across the table from me, I couldn’t help thinking about what Tony said. Was he saying I should go for it with Ace because he’s a lovely guy? Or was he telling me Ace has feelings for me? They were talking for a long time at the BBQ. Did Ace say something to him? He’s never given me any hint of being interested. If he is, has he always fancied me or is it only recently? Did it start in Cuba? Or was it because of my drunken kiss in Valencia? I must be a bloody good kisser.
No, the whole idea is mad. I think Tony wanted to make me feel better by suggesting, ‘Don’t be sad. Here’s someone you could go for.’ He doesn’t know the history behind our friendship, so he probably misinterpreted affection for romantic love. Anyway, I couldn’t possibly go for someone who’s cheated before.
Leila, where are you? I need to talk to you. How much longer are you going to be a complete bitch?
Monday, 2 September, 11.30pm
Right, new month, new week, new Sophia. Starting today, I’m not going to moon over THO anymore. I must stop feeling like a sad victim. I checked the diary for how many times I’d seen THO, and it was seven times. How can I feel this bad over someone I’ve only seen seven times? It’s completely ridiculous and I must stop it. Today. Now!
It’s been ages since I checked the dating apps, and I’ve found a few potential matches. The problem is, do I go back to looking for just sex? CAN I even go back to looking for just sex now that I’m hankering after a relationship again? I don’t know. I’ll just wait and see what happens. No need to decide yet.
What I do know is that my heart is not in it anymore. I started the year full of hope and looking for fun and sex, but my dating experience so far has been abysmal. Then I met someone who changed my mind and made me crave a relationship again. I let him build my hopes up, but it ended in exactly the manner I was trying to avoid when I set off on the dating challenge. I’m unhappy and heartbroken. Maybe I should just give up men. Life would be less exciting but easier. And I wouldn’t have to keep up the pretence of enjoying the dating challenge.
Tuesday, 3 September, 11.30pm
Felt a bit sad again today but pulled myself out of it. I searched the internet for techniques to help. There’s one where every time you think of the person you want to forget, you imagine them floating away from you until they turn into a tiny dot and disappear into oblivion. I liked doing that. Yeah, fuck off into oblivion THO.
Wednesday, 4 September, 11.30pm
Ooh, a match on London Soulmates. He’s attractive, though a bit young at forty-two. It’ll probably be OK if someone is in their fifth decade, just not in their third. No more Bus Stop Boys for me. His profile says he’s in the entertainment business. Intriguing. Is he a singer, juggler, dancer, or actor? So many possibilities. And he says he wants a lady (I object to that word, but I’ll overlook it for now) for fun and an ongoing relationship. I sure could do with some fun.
Thursday, 5 September, 11.30pm
I pushed THO into oblivion at least twenty times today. Also feeling sad about Leila. It’s been a month since that horrible row. She’s still ignoring me. I wonder if she’ll come for brunch tomorrow. I miss her but also feel angry about how she’s treated me.
Arranged to go for a drink with The Entertainer, though I’m not feeling it today. Can’t get excited about dates anymore. Invariably, I end up disappointed, so I’m conserving my energy for now.
Saturday, 7 September, 2.30pm
Leila not replying to Brunch Bunch group texts either. Grace was down in the dumps about work, so we drowned our sorrows with a full English, maple syrup pancakes on the side and a bottle of prosecco. It worked liked magic. We decided to plan a spa trip.
11.30pm
I don’t know whether to be disappointed, insulted, indignant, or all of the above. My date did not cheer me up and I can’t be bothered to write the details. It’s not worth the ink. I’ve written a poem about it. Enough said.
You were delicious like Tom Hardy
In coming forward, you weren’t tardy
Your body was built like a fort
All hard muscle and rippling taut
I wanted you to coo in my ear
And be my best date of the year
‘Let’s have plenty of food and drink’
You said to me with a wink
You suggested a holiday in a luxury resort
On a yacht in the sun where we could cavort
You told me I was such a sexy sort
And our bodies should together contort
The bill came but you were somewhat short
You wanted me to pay and be a good sport
‘I can’t believe this,’ I retorted
‘I wanted a king, not to be consorted’
To my dismay, you snorted
And said it was fair play for being escorted
The penny dropped and I was distraught
He thought his time was being bought
Oh no, I had dinner with an escort
Abort, abort, abort
P.S. Another failed date made me think about THO. Pushing-into-oblivion count off the scale tonight.
Sunday, 8 September, 11.30pm
Should I take it personally that an escort thought I might want his services? I suppose he’s using a free dating app to pick up clients. And there must be some women who take him up on it. Good for them if they get what they want out of it. But it’s not for me. I have plenty of friends for company, and The Intensifier in case of a sex emergency.
Monday, 9 September, 11.30pm
I have to say I’m disillusioned with this dating lark. How hard does a woman have to work to find a decent man? Or to find satisfying sex for that matter. I don’t know how much longer I can continue with disappointment and disaster. There are still four months of the dating challenge to go, though.
I’ve never been a defeatist and I’m not going to start now, so I’m not quitting the dating challenge, but I have low expectations for the next few months. I won’t be getting excited and pumped full of adrenalin in the run up to dates, only to crash horribly afterwards. I will save my energy and excitement until I meet someone that offers some hope for either an enjoyable or meaningful time.