36. The Last Day
THIRTY-SIX
The Last Day
Thursday, 2 January, 7.30pm
NYE seems like a long time ago and feels like it might have been a sofa dream, but I’ll try and remember everything that happened. Ace came to my house to put on his surprise costume.
‘Interesting outfit,’ he said, inspecting the crab costume he’d taken out of the packaging. ‘Are you trying to tell me something?’
‘No! I thought it might be fun for both of us to go as seafood.’
‘You’re weird,’ he said and laughed.
He came down a few minutes later head-to-toe in red, with crab eyes on top of his head and pincers for hands. Super cute.
‘Hello Octopussy,’ he said.
I tested the arm controls on my octopus outfit and put all eight of them around Ace. We had a moment when we were up close and stared into each other’s eyes, but I blushed and tried to pull away. I got the control strings tangled up and he had to kneel and free himself from below before untangling me. Then our taxi came. I had trouble getting into the car with all my arms and it took me a while to get settled in the back seat. The driver watched us in the mirror and shook his head and smiled.
‘Let’s go be seafood,’ Ace said.
The party was in full flow when we arrived. Cement Man and his wife were surveying the room in matching sand-coloured safari suits. I congratulated them on their marriage and meant it. Dick Pick Man was – you couldn’t make this up – wearing an inflatable dick outfit, with two giant balls at his ankles and the tip of a penis over his head. I can confirm, like his picture, his outfit was circumcised. Leila was floating around being the perfect hostess in a red traditional Iranian costume with a full skirt, gold thread and jangling coins. Her new boyfriend followed her like an adoring puppy in a lawyer suit. I so admire her resilience and capacity for finding love. Grace and Ajay and the kids had come as sunflowers and were super cute standing in a smiling bunch. Izzy was happy with her new man – a fitness instructor she met at the gym – in matching eighties shell suits.
Near midnight, there was an insistent knocking on the door. Grace opened it to find a drunk and dishevelled-looking Jude wanting to come in. She tried to persuade him to leave but he pushed past her and started looking for Leila. As he went around the room shouting for her, he left a trail of hush.
‘There she is, my beautiful wife,’ he said, and tried to kiss Leila, but she pulled back.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ she asked under her breath as people watched.
‘Come on, babe. It’s New Year’s Eve. I know you still love me. I’ve come back to you.’ He tried to grab her hand, but she pulled away again.
‘Get out, Jude. You’re not wanted here,’ Leila said firmly, though I could see she was flushed and tearing up.
‘I’ve been miserable without you. I know you miss me. You want your toy boy back, don’t you, babe?’ He lurched forward at her. At this, Leila’s new man stepped in.
‘Are you deaf? She doesn’t want you here. Just be a good fellow and leave,’ he said.
Jude snarled and waved him away, then noticed the man was holding Leila around the waist.
‘It didn’t take you long to replace me, did it? You bitch.’ He staggered towards the lawyer to punch him but missed. There was a mass intake of breath, then relief when there was no punch back, just a pitying smirk.
‘Come on, Jude. Can’t you see you’re upsetting everyone? Just go,’ Ace said.
Jude turned to Ace, and only then became aware the party had stopped to watch.
‘What are you all staring at?’ he sneered. ‘You’re all as bad as each other. You’re all tossers.’ He turned to Leila again. ‘You’re an old bag who thinks she can buy young men with her money.’ I was next. ‘And you’re a saddo who can’t get a man.’ Then it was Ace’s turn. ‘And you, you’re pathetic. You’ve been mooning over her for forty years but don’t have the guts to admit it,’ he said, pointing at me. He searched around for other people to attack and could only see Grace and Ajay holding the kids protectively in a bunch of sunflowers. ‘And you and your fucking happy family. You make me sick.’ He scowled like a jackal, then walked off and out of the door.
Everyone was quiet and shocked. True to form, Cement Man and his wife looked petrified, Dick Pic Man stood erect, and The Divorcee had passed out on the sofa. Leila’s coins jangled as she sobbed, but her lawyer was doing a good job of consoling her, and they were soon kissing. I knew she’d be OK. It took a few seconds before a more subdued chatter resumed.
I realised I’d been holding my breath, and as I took in some air, a rush of adrenalin flooded my body. My knees went soft, and I had to steady myself on the drinks table. Could it be true? Has Ace been in love with me all these years? Have I been oblivious to the signs? And the last few months, while my feelings for him were coming up through my inner core and into my limbs and breathing out through my skin, I still hadn’t quite believed it. I couldn’t take it in.
I looked at Ace standing expectantly across the room, then ran to the bathroom by default, locked the door and sat on the loo. It was New Year’s Eve after all. Tears burst out of my eyes, but I realised this time I wasn’t mourning for lost love or feeling like a spare part. These were tears of surprise and joy. The ones that ooze inner happiness but usually dare not appear. There was a knock at the door, and Ace calling my name.
‘Are you OK?’ he said as I opened the door and let him in. The New Year countdown started. Ten, nine…
‘Is that true? What Jude said? Do you like me?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t just like you.’ He hesitated. ‘I love you.’
I tried to speak but all I managed was, ‘When?’
‘After I knew it was over with Kelly, I wanted to tell you, but then we had our first brunch of the year, and you were all excited about the dating challenge and meeting lots of men…’ he trailed off.
I put my hand to my mouth, stunned.
‘I tried to tell you in Cuba, but I couldn’t work out if you felt the same way. I took a chance and sent you the Valentine card…’
‘That was you?’
‘Yes, I thought you knew, so when you didn’t mention it, I assumed you weren’t interested. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and lose you altogether, so I kept quiet. Then after Valencia, I hoped the kiss meant something … but you wanted to forget about it. It’s always been you, Phia. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember.’
He searched my face for clues, with desperate expectant eyes.
I took in a deep breath of spicy oil burner and said, ‘I think I started to wonder about my feelings for you after Valencia, but I didn’t want to acknowledge them. I’m too scared of being hurt again, so I blamed it on being drunk and vulnerable. I didn’t want to lose you.’
‘I’m scared too, but you have to take a leap sometimes and right now I feel like I can grab your hand and we can fly together. I won’t let you fall. I’d never hurt you.’
‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’
‘I’ve been dreaming about us and not just the sleuthing dream.’
‘I’ve been waiting so long for you to look at me and love me. I know it’s hard, but you can’t hide your feelings forever and lock your heart away in a cage. I want the carefree Sophia back.’
‘I want her back too. Will you help me find her?’
‘Yes, if you’ll let me. But…’ He furrowed his brows and took a deep breath. ‘What about that guy you were dating? Did you go out with him again? Do you still have feelings for him?’
‘Yes, I did go out with him. Just once, and I’m glad I did. It made me realise he didn’t deserve my love, and I have to confess I compared him to you in my fantasies. And that’s when I knew he wasn’t worth a hair on your head. He’s nothing to me now. Whereas you … you’re everything.’
The cheering outside was dying down and I heard the first few chords of ‘Vivir Mi Vida’. He took my hands (the ones at the end of the non-octopus arms) and led me into a confident slow salsa dance.
‘Wow, you’ve been practising. You’ve got moves, Mr Ace.’ I pulled him in close.
‘Well thank you, Ms Sophia. But I want to hear about your fantasies about me,’ he said, raising an amused eyebrow.
‘All I’m willing to divulge is that they involved Speedos, budgies, cockatoos, a hammock and an invisible man.’
‘You’re weird,’ he said with an indulgent smile.
‘Anyway, what you need to know is that I only want sex with you,’ I said deadpan.
He looked away from me, downcast. ‘I want no part in your dating challenge.’
I pulled him back by his chin.
‘I meant I want to have sex ONLY with YOU. Tell me again how you feel about me.’
‘I love how you always want to help, even if it involves having my hair sheared. I love how your eyes smile when you dance. I love how you boycott restaurants if the chairs are not stylish enough, and I love how you pout after your first sip of fizz. I love you, Sophia Stone.’
‘That’s lucky … because … I love you too.’
I pulled the string, put all my arms around him and pressed my lips onto his. It was the sweetest and sexiest kiss and it made me shiver all over. It was the only place I wanted to be. It felt like home.
‘Wait a minute. Who did you think the card was from?’
Gulp.
‘Never mind that,’ I said and pulled him in for another kiss.
I didn’t know I had an Ace-shaped hole in my heart until it was filled so well that you’d think he’d been there forever. There’s no cement talk, no listing of pizzas, no deceit, no sushi, no lack of commitment. There is requited love and yes, many orgasms. Oh, the orgasms. I love everything about him, and best of all, I finally feel adored. Properly and unconditionally. This is going to be the best year yet, and I plan to make that second basin mine. I have a new life and I’m going to squeeze the pips out of it. I am now the Joint CEO of Couples United.