Chapter 7
***** Johanna *****
My flight was leaving the following morning, and I wanted to call and cancel it.
After the shower, two days ago, I had been in bed, and out of it, with Chance.
We finished going through Johnnie’s things, and I packed some up, but gave some to Chance.
He didn’t cry, which was nice, and he shared more memories.
It was nice to see him opening up and letting some of the wounds close.
He needed it.
And throughout all of this, he never brought up staying again. But I can’t lie and say I didn’t think about it, because I did.
It’s been on repeat since it was uttered.
I wanted to stay, I wanted to be with him, but was it too fast? Too soon?
I was so much older than him, but for us, it didn’t feel like a problem. We talked to each other, we understood each other, we fit better than I thought we would.
Far more than I had with anyone else before.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
I turned my attention from the window to him and offered him a smile. He sat down next to me on the couch, his arm moving along the back.
“You seemed deep in thought.”
“I am,” I told him.
I glanced down at my hands, but he quickly took them in his, his thumb brushing along the back of it. Even such a simple touch could tame my runaway thoughts.
“What’s going on, baby?”
“Is it too soon? Too fast? Is the age gap too wide? What would people say?” I blurted out.
“Woah, back it up. What is all of this?”
“Chance,” I said, turning to face him. He didn’t seem so young now, not with the concern and worry on his face. Not that I was a grandmother, but still, I was quite a bit older. “I’m thinking about what you said, about me living with you.”
“I like that way that sounds.”
I fought the grin and lost. Because I liked the way it sounded too.
“What about it? You think I care about anything that you listed?” he countered.
“No, I don’t think you do. Especially not about people.”
“Look, Johanna, I want you, plain and simple. Other people, they don’t bother me.
I know you might think you’re too old or people might look at us if and when we go to town, but honestly, you’re wrong.
I’m telling you; you don’t look your age.
If I honestly saw you walking down the street, the last thing on my mind would be that you are as old as you are.
“Baby, to me, you don’t look a day over thirty.
In fact, younger. I can see why men might be surprised that you had a kid, because you don’t look to be that old.
Not to mention the good head you have on your shoulders.
I’m telling you; their loss is my gain because you are just the perfect package.
And let me tell you, I rather enjoy this package. ”
“Do you think you might get tired of me?”
“No, I don’t. Do you think you’d get tired of me? I might still be waking up in night terrors for years to come.”
And that broke my heart.
Because when he had them that first night, the anguish I heard had me sitting upright, clenching my own chest. And I did the only thing I could think of; run to him to help him. To hold him. To be there for him. I did the same thing last night when he had them; I was just there for him.
And I couldn’t think of walking away from him now. Not ever, actually.
So, there was my answer.
As crazy as this was, I wanted to be here. But I needed to know one thing before I could answer him.
“You had a lot of pain, you still do. There’s still lots for you to work on.”
“I won’t disagree with you there, baby.”
“You aren’t using me as a clutch, are you? You’re not bonding with me because of the trauma or letting it stem from that? I need you to be honest and real right now. Because if you are, this relationship won’t work.”
I saw the look flicker in his eyes, and I swallowed hard, because it was true.
I had read about it when Johnnie died because I never wanted to use someone like that, even without realizing it.
Chance needed help, and I’d be here with him every step of the way, if he wanted.
But I couldn’t let him use me or use our relationship like that.
If he was in, he had to be in with his whole heart. Not just with a few pieces here and there only to pull back because he had worked through it and didn’t need me.
“Why would you think that?”
“The better question is why wouldn’t I, Chance? You held so much in for so long and only released it when I got here. I’m glad I could do that, but I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want you to see me as an end to the pain you feel.”
“Johanna,” he started, letting go of my hand to cup my cheeks.
“Yes, you helped me. I can’t deny that. But would I only see that?
No. I’m not going to say this isn’t crazy.
And I’m not going to say the road will be easy.
I still don’t like people in my space. But I can’t see it anymore without you in it.
“So, will I use it as a crutch? No. I want you here, for good, walking with me so that we can remember the good times and create new memories. Is that a bad thing?”
“No, it’s not. I think it’s a sweet thing. I just want to make sure you’re sure, that’s all.”
“I promise you, baby, that I have never been so confident in anything before. I can’t promise there won’t be sleepless nights. But I think there might not be as much.”
I looked at him, truly looked at him, and I knew I couldn’t be happier with that answer. He was right. We’d be there for each other, but we wouldn’t put the pain and heartache on each other. We’d both help each other, and that was the best relationship.
***** Chance *****
She wanted to stay. That was the best news for me.
But she made a valid point.
And sitting here on the couch, I wanted to think it all over.
I meant what I said. She helped me. She pulled me out of that shell. And I was grateful for that. But it went beyond that. When she could have let me be, when she could have run away, she didn’t. She stayed. She wanted to be here.
That spoke louder than any words could have.
So, was it a trauma bond we had? Somewhat. But it wasn’t the basis of it. We just shared a common grief and that grief brought us together.
Do I think Johnnie would have liked it?
That I can’t say. But what I do know is that Johanna was right, he wouldn’t want me to be this hermit. He would have wanted me to live. And I planned on that. Just in my own way. And with this woman, his mother, by my side.
“I like this,” she whispered, her gaze one more outside.
“The quiet?”
“The view. It’s so breathtaking. I can’t imagine the beauty of a snowstorm.”
“Oh, it’s beautiful. But scary as well. It can be white for days on end out here. Which is refreshing. But frightening too.”
She turned to look at me, her lips lifting into a sexy smirk.
“So, is my big, scary, aviator going to save me from it?”
“Hey now, aviators work just as hard as the other branches,” I mumbled, causing her to laugh. “We always get shit.”
“You do. But I saw what my son went through. It’s mentally hard.
Maybe not as much PT or anything, but there’s a lot to learn being up in the air and doing all of that.
I don’t envy you. I was proud of Johnnie.
Hell, I’m proud of anyone who can get in a cockpit and handle those situations.
You have to be able to think fast, move quickly, and make split second decisions while flying a multibillion-dollar plane. ”
“You would make an awesome recruiter.”
She scrunched up her nose in distaste, and I couldn’t help but laugh, which caused her to give me a funky look.
“What?”
“I’m not sure I’ve heard you really laugh. You need to do it more.”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Oh! I do think I like the sound of that,” she told me.
She climbed into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck, and I settled my hands on her hips. I was glad to know that this was permanent. Because I liked her right here, a lot.
“I do too.” I ran my thumbs over her skin, just enjoying the sight of her.
“What are you staring at?”
“You, Johanna. We’ve talked about a mix of things so far, I’m curious what’s a deep, dark fantasy you might have that you haven’t shared with anyone.”
“I can’t tell you that. You’ll think I’m crazy,” she told me, ducking her head. But all it did was spike my curiosity even more.
“You have to enlighten me now. This has to be something good.”
“Maybe. It’s come more into play since the moment I knew who you were.” I watched as she twisted her lip with her teeth, making me long to tug on it as well. “Okay, so, you know the mile high club, right? Big plane, doing something you shouldn’t.”
“Yes.”
“I want that same treatment. Except, more of a jet experience.”
“Huh,” I muttered, thinking how in the world that would work given that a cockpit wasn’t very big. It wasn’t impossible, but it would take some tricks to pull off.
“On top of that, I always thought having sex in the hangar, or against a plane, or anything remotely air-like was also very hot.”
“You’re speaking my language,” I told her, leaning over to kiss along her neck, making her squirm in my lap. “I like it.”
“I know it can’t be done.”
“Who said it can’t? You know I can still fly. I might have been let go due to injuries, but I can still be up in the air. In fact, having you with me might just be better. You can keep me from screaming while I make sure to make you scream.”
Her moan went straight to my cock, and I couldn’t help but grin. Yes, somehow, I was making that happen for her, just didn’t know when.
“You’re dangerous.”
“No, Johanna, I’m Trouble, remember.”
“You are.” She stopped me from kissing her, her eyes locked with mine. “Thank you, Chance. For making me feel wanted.”
“No, thank you. For making me feel seen, for making me feel whole, and for making me feel like it’s okay to miss him but not stay in mourning for him.”
“I like us mourning together. We both need that rock,” she whispered, and I felt it with all my soul.
“I agree. I also like us making breakfast together. I like us sleeping together.”
She slapped my chest, but she was laughing right along with me, so I know she enjoyed it just as well.
We did connect on a level that didn’t make sense to others, I’m sure.
Me personally, I didn’t care what anyone had to say, my own family included.
Although, I knew them well enough that they would be happy to know I was happy, that she finally broke through the wall that no one else seemed to.
“I’m going to have to fly home at some point to grab my stuff, you know.”
“I know,” I replied, pulling her in close. “I’ll go with you.”
“You will?”
“Of course. With you by my side, I can do anything.” My answer was truthful, real, and straight from the heart. She might be older, but she was my better half.
“You know Chance, I might have dated, might have even liked a guy or two, but I’ve never felt like this, not with anyone.”
“Neither have I. I never have a fear of going after what I want, and usually, I get it. It was hard to find that person again. I didn’t think about my future, I just thought about the day to day. But now, that’s done. I want you in my future. For as long as you’ll have me.”
“Could be forever.”
“I like forever, Johanna.”
“I do too. It’s nice to see the real you, Chance.” She kissed me then, and I couldn’t help but feel my heart soar, right next to hers. “Just remember, you’ll always feel better if you just Aim High Mountain Man.”