All Over the Map

25. Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Five

It doesn’t take long for Paul to drive us up the road and introduce us to a gruff older guy at a vineyard. He looks close to seventy, and his white-haired wife welcomes us. Turns out they have a guest room, a small space with plain white walls and old blinds in the window. It’s clean, but it only has one twin bed. They’ve put two sleeping bags on the floor and offer to call us down when dinner is ready, then excuse themselves.

“Can I call dibs on the bed or am I supposed to act like a gentleman now and let one of you have it because you’re girls?” Gabe asks when Orrin and Mrs. Orrin retreat. “Or is smashing the patriarchy selective?”

“Kendall and I can share the bed,” Mia points out. “Math-wise, it’s better for us to have it, and you take the floor.”

“Can’t argue with math,” I tell him.

Mia and I settle on opposite ends of the bed, Gabe situates himself in a corner of the room, and we all pull out our phones and ignore each other for an hour. Eventually Leila texts.

I’m sending all my car-fixing vibes your way. Is it working?

I hope so.

I text Cassidy to ask if there's any news yet.

Several minutes pass without an answer.

When my phone finally rings, it’s Mom. I prefer to take the call outside without an audience, so I head for the front door.

I let Mom’s call go to voicemail, giving me time to collect my thoughts. Every day, I have to think of the half-lie I can tell Mom about what we’ve been up to, stuff we could see or do around Ward. Tonight’s report will be about going for a drive and seeing deer.

Mom calls back immediately.

I walk down the long driveway to a large stump that makes a good seat and answer. “Hey, Mom.”

“What is going on?” Her voice is high and tight, and immediately my stomach knots to match it.

She knows.

I play for time to think of a way out of this. “What do you mean?”

“Please tell me that Cassidy is mistaken about where you are and what you’re doing. Please tell me she meant to say you had car trouble in Ward .”

“Mom.” Dammit, Cassidy.

“I’ll get the Jeep taken care of. You will get on the road as soon as it’s done and drive back. I’ll reserve a hotel room for you in a place called Richfield, Utah. It’s about halfway, right off Interstate 70.” Her voice has the quality of a chant, like these are words she’s saying to soothe herself. “You’ll call every two hours to tell me where you are. You’ll have to pay back the money for the repairs. You’ll—”

“Mom!”

“What?” she snaps.

“Did Cassidy tell you why I’m out here? I’ve met a brother and sister.”

“You’ve met two DNA relatives who could have been catfishing you.”

“That’s not how the site—”

“Stop it,” she orders. Her volume has risen. I hear the murmur of a female voice in the background, and Mom muffles the phone to answer before she says to me, “Don’t you dare try to tell me how carefully you’ve thought this through and researched it. The fact that you’re on this trip proves you didn’t think through a damn thing. You’re getting on the road as soon as that Jeep is fixed, you understand me?”

“But I still need to—”

“You can say yes, Kendall. That’s literally the only word that better come out of your mouth.”

“I’ve got one more relative to meet.” I don’t specify which one. I don’t know how much Cassidy has already told her.

Mom doesn’t answer for so long that I check the screen to make sure the call didn’t drop.

“You’ll come home,” she finally says. “As soon as Robert can get the part there.”

Part of me wants to blurt it out. I’m out here meeting the father that your lie kept me from knowing . But I keep replaying the image of her hand curled around the doorjamb after our last fight like it was the only thing keeping her standing, and I speak calmly.

“I know you’re mad, but I have more family to meet. I’ve grown up believing you and some shady dude from a vacation fling were it for me, and only you counted as family. You keep pushing fake family on me with the fake family Friday dinners, so at some level you must feel family matters. But now suddenly when I have a chance to meet my actual family, you’re freaking out. You won’t explain yourself, so I can’t understand why you kept the sperm donor thing a secret, but I’m telling you that it matters to me, and I deserve to process it my way. I’m finishing this trip. I’ll be home Sunday like I promised.”

“I’ll report you as missing and give the police the vehicle description. You’re a minor. You can’t be out there without my permission.”

Her tone is steel and fear slices through my gut. “Mom, no. That would get Mia and Gabe both in trouble too. Gabe is eighteen. What if they arrest him? You wouldn’t ruin his life like that, and you know it. I’m going to San Diego. Can’t you just . . . support me? For once?”

“You are messing with things that you don’t even understand.”

“Neither do you!”

“Stop it, Kendall. Shut up, get in the Jeep, and drive home as soon as it’s ready.” Her voice has the finality of a slamming door. Anything I say will bounce off it, but I try.

“Why won’t you tell me anything about the sperm donor?”

“Because it’s irrelevant to who you are and how I raised you. It’s irrelevant to us. ” Her voice is still clipped and angry.

“Not to me.” I say it quietly. “I wish you would try to understand, but you can’t stop me. We’re going to get the Jeep back and finish this trip.”

“Then I’m not giving the shop my credit card info, and Robert won’t send the part, and you can’t go anywhere at all until I come into town and get you myself. I’m looking up flights now. I’ll be there tomorrow.” She hangs up before I can answer.

I want to scream, but I bite it back behind my teeth and it comes out as a growl.

“Hey.”

I turn around to find Gabe watching me, and I wish for the hundredth time that he wasn’t on this trip. I don’t want to hear what he has to say about the weird noise I just made, or any of his opinions about this road trip. I turn to walk back toward the house.

“I think you should still go.”

I stop and do a slow turn. “What?”

“You heard me.”

I stare at him, one of the awful, addictive upswells rising, where I want to fling myself at him and run away at the same time.

But I’m not fourteen anymore. Instead of giggling or melting into a wordless puddle or running off like I did my whole freshman year, I say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence. But she’s flying out here tomorrow to get me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” It’s dark now, so I can’t read his expression.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I wish I knew how to fix this.”

“Why are you trying?” I ask.

He looks uncomfortable for a second, then sighs. “That picture on my phone. The one of you in that restaurant after your brother left? You looked so . . . I don’t know. I’ve never seen an expression like that. It’s why I took that picture. I can see how much it matters to you. So if you want to keep this crazy train rolling, I’m on board.”

He saw me.

He sees me.

I feel emotionally naked and look for a way to cover up. “Four days ago, you thought this trip was the dumbest thing you’d ever heard. And you were right. Everything has gone wrong.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for family, Kendall.”

I don’t know what this means. “Are you saying I’m family?” I take a few steps toward him and peer through the darkness, desperate to see his expression now.

He gives a small laugh. “No. You’re not family. I’m saying I’ll back you completely if you want to go find yours.”

You’re not family.

“I thought we were getting along. I think I’m offended.” I say it lightly, but it hurts to hear.

He steps close enough for his hand to brush mine, then close around my wrist. With a soft tug, he pulls me into a hug. “Sorry, Barrows. I know I’ve been around you my whole life, but I just don’t think of you as a sister.”

Something about the way he’s holding me puts me on high alert, all my nerve endings snapping to life. I’m not imagining this. This buzzy feeling moving between us, the heat stirring in my abdomen, these are not my imagination.

“Gabe.” His name is a warning and question, my breath puffing against his neck.

“Yeah.” His voice is hoarse.

“What is this?” I whisper.

“You ask too many questions.” He shifts his arm around my waist and pulls me tighter against him. All the soft parts of me relax into him. Every point where he’s touching me explodes into heat and my heartbeat speeds up. But his does too.

I fall quiet, listening to it beat faster, and I feel powerful. I did this.

His hands grow restless, drifting up my back to brush against my hair.

I should say something, move away. Mia is angry enough with me already for reasons I don’t understand. I don’t want to add another complication. I should step away, but Gabe’s hand slides up to the back of my neck, and he’s gently turning my face to his.

“What are you guys doing?” Mia calls from the front porch.

I don’t have an answer because I don’t know. I’m positive Gabe was about to kiss me, but he lets go of me as soon as she says anything, and we’re standing a few feet apart when she reaches us. I try hard to keep my breath even, like she didn’t step out two seconds before Gabe almost turned everything upside down.

Gabe answers her, sounding normal. “Her mom is mad. It’s bad. She needed a hug.”

“Uh oh,” says Mia, walking out to us. “What happened?”

I take another step back from Gabe under the guise of turning toward Mia. “Cassidy told my mom what was up and she freaked. She’s flying out tomorrow.” Almost on cue, a text comes in from her. Flight lands at 5 pm tomorrow. Return flight first thing Friday morning.

“I’m handing out hugs,” Gabe says, holding his arms out to Mia. “Come and get yours.”

Mia steps into his embrace and stays beside him, her arm linked around his waist, his slung around her shoulders. It’s a clear message. My brother. Back off.

“So what do we do now?” Mia asks.

My phone vibrates again, this time with an incoming call from Cassidy. The one thing I know for sure is that she’ll only make things worse. I send her to voicemail. “I don’t know. I need to think.” I can’t do it with Mia’s prickly anger jabbing at me or the confusing pull of Gabe’s vibes. “Could I get a minute by myself?”

Mia starts for the house, but Gabe stays put. “Come on, Gabe,” she calls. “Kendall’s issued her orders.”

I can’t see his face clearly in the full darkness, but I can feel the hesitation before he turns and follows.

Cassidy texts when I sit on the stump.

I AM SO SORRY. Please call me. Will explain.

I turn off my phone and stare into the darkness like the answer for how to finish this trip is hiding inside of it. “What am I supposed to do now?” Only the soft chirps of insects reply.

The only thing I can think to do is text Leila and tell her that it’s over.

Then I straighten, because I know how to fix this.