Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Legs
I ignore the man at my back and walk around the bed to sit beside Del. As soon as I see the state of her face, a sob slips free, alerting her to my presence.
Her fingers twitch but she doesn’t say anything, just keeps facing the window.
“I can make her leave, Deli,” her brother says, his voice rough with emotion.
“It’s okay,” she whispers. “Give us a minute, yeah? I could do with something cold to drink.”
He hesitates for a minute, his gaze landing on mine. “No MC,” he growls. I nod. His anger is justified.
I wait until he leaves before turning back to Del.
“I didn’t…I wasn’t the one who hurt you. This wasn’t a setup,” she chokes out.
I reach over and grab her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I know. And I made it perfectly clear to Midas that I believe you.”
She flinches at the sound of his name. “You’re still with him?”
“He didn’t do this, Del. We think the person who came after me, Lil, and the other club girls, came after you. If I hadn’t come near you, none of this would have happened.”
She squeezes my hand but it lacks the strength I usually feel from her. “I heard him, Legs. I heard him tell someone to burn it down. Don’t tell me he didn’t do this.”
I hang my head, needing to tell her the truth.
But the truth is just as shitty. Regardless, she needs to know.
So I tell her anyway, holding nothing back, even when she flinches about what they were willing to do.
She breaks down and cries. I join her because it’s fucked and nothing I say will make her feel better.
“I think you should go,” she whispers. I wipe my tears and nod.
I’m living with a man—no, not just living—I’m in love with a man who set this in motion.
Worse, it’s not enough to make me leave him.
Staying is what’s best for me and my baby, but it’s still a betrayal of our friendship, and I own that.
“I’m so sorry, Del. I understand if you never want to see me again. You have to look after yourself. I will never hold this against you, and you have every goddamn right to hate me for staying, but I can’t keep my baby safe alone.”
“I know. And I don’t hate you. I get it, I truly do. I just can’t do this again, and I am still not sure I believe it wasn’t a brother who attacked me.”
I don’t try to convince her otherwise. It’s not my place. Instead, I bend down and press a kiss to her forehead, her breath hitching in her chest when I do. “You will always be my friend. If you ever need me, I’ll be there. Please be safe. I can’t lose you too.”
I’m losing her already, though I take comfort from the fact she’ll be safer away from me. I pull away and head to the door, swiping furiously at my tears as they fall.
I pull the door open and almost collide with her brother. “Sorry,” I move to slip past him but his voice stops me.
“Stay away from her, please.” His voice cracks. “We nearly lost her last time. I can’t go through that again.”
I nod. “I’ll stay away, as long as she knows I’m there if she needs me. Today, tomorrow, or ten years from now. She’s the sister I never knew I needed, and I can’t just turn that off.”
“Try anyway,” he grunts before pushing past me and closing the door.
I press my head to the wood and cry softly, hating myself for breaking something that became so important to me.
When I have myself together, I walk back to the waiting room, where I find Midas and Kruger both looking somber.
Kruger jumps up first when I reach them. “How is she?”
“Medically? I don’t know. We didn’t get that far, and given the circumstances, it wasn’t fair of me to ask. Mentally, though, she’s a wreck.” I swallow, not wanting to start crying all over again.
“It’s time for us to go.”
“I’m staying,” Kruger tells me.
I sigh. “She doesn’t want you here. She doesn’t want any of us here.”
“Tough, I’m not leaving her here like this.”
“Then be prepared to get arrested. Her brother doesn’t want us here.
She doesn’t want us here. Everything she had, she lost. It took her years to rebuild her life, and now it’s all gone again.
And whether you like it or not, you had a hand in that.
” I say that part looking at Midas as he moves closer.
“She owes us nothing. All she’s asking for is some peace. And goddammit, Kruger, we’re gonna give it to her.”
He stares me down and I know he’s fighting the urge to grab me and shake me. But Midas moves up behind me, a threat and a warning all in one.
“I explained what happened. I didn’t hide our ugliness in all this.” He flinches as if I struck him. “I explained everything I could, but even so, part of her still believes that it was a brother who beat her. If you push too hard now, Kruger, she’ll disappear, and you’ll never see her again.”
“And what makes you think she won’t do that anyway?” he snarls.
I hold my hands to my belly in answer. “Because when she has a chance to heal a little, she’ll remember that my kiddo needs her aunt,” I choke out.
Eventually, he listens to me, and we all leave.
Midas and I don’t speak. We go through the motions of getting home, undressed, and falling into bed.
We lie in the dark, facing each other like always, even though I’m not sure I can bear to listen to him tonight.
I stand by my decision to stay, but I hate myself for it.
If I let it, this resentment I feel now toward Midas will fester and grow because the scales are unbalanced once more.
He always takes from me more than he gives.
He makes me feel stupid because I know I should leave.
It’s what I’d tell everyone else to do, yet here I am, disloyal and pathetic, lying next to a man that jumps first before asking questions, consequences be damned.
“I ruined it all, didn’t I?” His gravelly voice cuts through the night, making me jump.
I don’t know how to answer him. I’m not sure there is anything to say that will fix this.
“She was my first real friend outside of an MC. She cared for me despite who I was, not because of it. I know you didn’t beat her or torch her place, but what you did was so far beyond the realm of okay that I don’t know how we move on from this.”
What happens if you turn on me? I think, but don’t say it out loud because it’s my greatest fear. I’ve already been at the end of his temper. What happens if words aren’t enough next time?
“Never. I know what you’re thinking. But I would never hurt you like that. I should have thought it through. I was blinded by my fear of something happening to you and the baby. I got tunnel vision, and I fucked up, but I’ll make it right, baby. I promise.”
“You can’t fix this with pretty words, Midas. Del is destroyed.”
“I can and I will. I fuck up a lot. More than most. But I know when I’m wrong. And this is me telling you, I’ll fix it. I swear on my mother’s grave.”
I swallow, fighting back tears. God, I want to believe him, but it’s so damn hard.
Is this really love, or is it something more sinister?
Does he like me because he can’t live without me or because he doesn’t want anyone to have me?
These are the thoughts I can’t get out of my head, and it’s exhausting.
How I feel was never questioned, but his professing to love me after holding me at arm’s length for so long is just so hard to believe.
“I’m fucked-up, Legs. I make fucked-up decisions because I’m selfish. I’ve had to put myself first all my life because nobody else has. And now that I’ve let people in, I don’t know how to adapt. I’m trying, but fuck knows, I could use an instruction manual.”
“We all have things that fucked us up, Midas. You either be better or become part of the fucking problem,” I snap, ready to roll away, but his hand on my hip stops me.
“I was ten the first time,” he whispers, making every hair on my body stand on end.
“Daddy doesn’t want you. Mama doesn’t want you, but I do. I’ll take care of you,” he murmurs, and though it’s his voice, I know those are not his words.
“He held me down and raped me, left me in a pool of my own blood, before threatening to slit my throat and that of the little girl that was living there too.”
I reach up to cup his face.
“Don’t,” he chokes out roughly, making me freeze. “Just let me finish first. And if you still want to touch me…” His voice trails off for a moment as tears run unchecked down my face.
“That was the first time I truly understood what evil was. It happened again and again. I tried to hide, fight back, and run, but none of it mattered. He was bigger and stronger. So I went looking for someone bigger and stronger to help me.”
“You went back to your father’s old MC,” I say softly.
“They turned me away. Told me to stop being a sissy boy and that I must like it if I hadn’t killed him already.”
My blood boils with indignation. I want to raze the world to the ground for the little boy everyone failed.
“What happened then?”
“That little girl I told you about? I found him raping her. He had his hands around her throat, strangling her. So I grabbed his gun, which he kept on his nightstand, and shot him in the back of the head. I became a murderer at twelve years old,” he huffs.
“Not a murderer. A savior.”
“I didn’t save anyone. He broke her thyroid bone and damaged her windpipe.
She suffocated before the ambulance got there.
I thought they were going to throw me in jail, but it was pretty obvious to everyone what happened.
I was moved to another placement, and then another, and another.
Everyone made me pretend it had never happened, and after the way the MC reacted, I never told another soul. Until now.”
“You were worried people would think the same, that somehow you liked it and it was your fault.”
He flinches again, his breathing coming out ragged.
“I’m going to touch you now, Midas, okay? There is nobody else in this room but me and you.” I cup his jaw and lean my forehead against his. “It was not your fault. It was never your fault. And I’m so fucking sorry someone made you feel like it was. I want to kill them all for you,” I choke.
“Blade already did. I never told him outright, but I knew he’d figured it out when he handed me everyone’s obituaries.
“Well, he’s just made it to the top of my Christmas card list.”
He chuckles, but it’s painful to hear.
“I love you. I know that. Sometimes that’s all I know.
And it’s only because I feel an echo of it, like a memory my mom left me, so I’d recognize my soul mate.
But I’m a mess, so I fucked it up because that’s what I do.
I get angry and lash out and hurt people so they don’t hurt me first. When you told me you were pregnant, it hurt that the kid wasn’t mine, but that was a fraction of what I was feeling.
It was like history was repeating itself all over again, and I panicked.
I couldn’t let the baby get hurt like that.
I had to get you away from me, from the MC, even though I know Ravens are nothing like that. ”
“It’s a trauma response, Midas. Logic goes right out the fucking window when terror steps into the room.”
He nods but doesn’t say anything else for a long time.
“I don’t deserve you, Legs. I’m tainted in a way that I can’t get clean, and I’m so scared I’m going to taint you too.”
I take a shaky breath before I lay myself bare.
“I was fourteen when my mom died.” He freezes when I start talking.
“She made a deal with Rock, the old Chaos Demons president. If he took care of me, I’d take care of him.
I don’t know if she thought I’d become an old lady or if she always knew what she signed me up for. ”
He reaches for me and tugs me closer so my bump is pressed against his stomach.
“He took my virginity a day later, and god, I hated every second of it. I hated him, but I had to pretend everything was okay because I felt like I was letting my mom down somehow.”
“Oh, Legs, fuck, baby.” He kisses my nose, my cheek, and my forehead before I find the strength to carry on.
“A handful knew my real age, but I was sworn to secrecy with the rest. It’s why I don’t say anything now, because some of those men I slept with would be horrified.
They slept with a child. They’d hate me,” I whisper.
“I have to pretend I’m twenty-nine so nobody catches on.
I missed so many birthdays to protect others.
” I shake my head. “Do you think I’m dirty now, Midas? That I’m tainted?”
“No, fuck no. You were a child.”
“Exactly. I was older than you, though. I get where your head is at more than you’ll ever know.
The first time I orgasmed; I locked myself in the bathroom and cried all night because I thought they were right––that I deserved everything they did to me.
That I was only good for one thing. As I got older, I found a way to regain some of my power.
I got a chance to experiment and find out what I did and didn’t like.
And when the shit elements were booted, I felt stronger.
More confident in my skin. It only went skin deep, of course.
I still fucked men for protection and a roof over my head.
I was still a whore. But I stopped hating myself for it. ”
“You figured out a way to make peace with it. You always were so fucking smart.”
“I’m not, though. I didn’t get to finish school because I had to pretend I already had, and I didn’t get to do driver’s ed for the same reason.
Big chunks of my education and teenage experiences are missing.
I eventually got my GED, but living on my own these last few months has been kind of a baptism by fire. ”
“You are smart, Legs. Do you have any idea how much strength and wit it takes not just to survive something like that but to thrive in spite of it? And you’re still you, sweet, kind, compassionate, and so full of love.
I’m in awe of you.” He presses his lips to mine, this time in a sweet, soft kiss.
I pull back and take a moment to evaluate things and view them with a different lens.
I’m not forgiving him for all his sins because he has a tragic backstory.
This isn’t some dark romance where his psychopathic tendencies make me swoon.
Okay, well, that’s mostly true, but I have to find a way for history to stop repeating itself.
“I think you should talk to someone.”
“You mean like a shrink?”
“Yeah. I think we both should. I worry that this relationship has so many fractures that one hard crack will break us forever.” I bite my lip, stealing myself for his reaction, but it’s not the one I thought it would be.
“Will you come with me?”
This time, I can’t swallow my sob as something like hope blossoms inside me. “I’ll go anywhere with you.”