Chapter 30
S tone
Freezing spray blew off the crashing waves, and I lifted my face to the wind, closing my eyes and enjoying the ache as it hit my bruised skin. Moisture dripped down my neck, absorbed by the thick fleece and waterproof jacket I wore. My jeans clung to my legs, the material soaked through and scratchy. It was unpleasant, but nothing about my cold skin, wet hair, or damp clothes came remotely close to the hollow sensation in my soul.
My wolf whined, the sound so despondent that I growled. “Shut the fuck up,” I grated out between clenched teeth, not wanting this aching sadness at being away from Shannon any more than he did. The mating frenzy had settled since I’d been forced back here, but at least I’d had time to reflect on what had happened with my father and Holt. Ultimately, Shannon had been right not to trust me with her bond. I’d let her down. She deserved better than to mate with an Alpha who couldn’t protect her. I squeezed my eyes shut and tipped my head back. Those thoughts had grown louder in my mind, but I couldn’t ignore the pull in my heart to her or the fact that she was mine, and I refused to give up on us. If I had to beg for forgiveness for not protecting her, then I’d get on my fucking knees and do it. As many times as it took.
Ventry had asked if I wanted to take up my mantle as Lord of House Vilderon. One look at my face told him enough and he hadn’t mentioned it again. The thought of becoming Lord Vilderon made me want to break something—like my father. If only I could bring him back from the dead, I’d happily rip him limb from limb.
Ventry had cleaned up the mess left behind by my family and Holt. The staff who survived the Mades had been anxious about their fate, and the soldiers who had fought to protect House Vilderon were understandably unsettled. There had apparently been whispers of desertions and requests for transfers to different houses. Ventry had quickly dissolved my family’s title and had instated his younger brother Arrochar as High Lord. Lord Arrochar D’nar, or third son of, Ventris was now general of the borderland army and liaison to the crown with the dark Fae, who were tentatively seeking peace on that section of the border.
I’d been happy to walk away and never look back until Ventry had asked if there was anything I wanted from my father’s estate. There was only one thing. I’d searched through my mother’s possessions until I found it; an intricate ice diamond ring. It had a multifaceted blue-green diamond inset on the shoulders of delicate vines. I remembered her telling me it had once belonged to her grandmother. It was one of the prettiest pieces of jewellery I’d ever seen, and I could only hope that Shannon would do me the honour of wearing it.
There was nothing else I wanted. The Vilderon house had never really felt like home. There were very few happy memories from that time of my life, and I would keep the few I held of my mother and sister safe. After Gwen's death and the nightmare of the prison, home had become wherever Connor and my brothers settled...until recently. Now, it was by Shannon’s side, wherever she was.
Except I wasn’t by her side. I was here, literally a world away.
A growl from my wolf made me snort. He wanted to fight those who kept us here and run to find our mate. His perception of portals and world travel was lacking, to say the least.
Both Connor and Ventry had watched me like hawks in case I lost my shit again. They needn’t have worried. Without Shannon’s presence, I was calm enough to control my wolf, but that didn’t stop me from feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. Yet I also knew they’d been right to haul me away. If my control deserted me when she was anything less than fully healed, I’d hurt her more, and I’d never be able to live with myself.
Anxiety twisted my chest. Shannon’s injuries from Holt were slow to heal, but Vent had spoken to Walker a few days ago. The Fae king's expression had shut down at the mention of Holt but he had reassured us that Shannon would fully heal.
After a few days where I hadn’t lost control, Vent had returned to Faery. Connor had kept me occupied with updates on the Blood Lust virus and the vampire war, yet as important as that was, I just couldn’t give a shit. What had seemed important before no longer mattered. My stomach was constantly tied in tight knots, and I wasn’t able to relax or sleep properly, the constant need to go to Shannon eating away at me. Connor and Owen sparred with me every night; even my other brothers had joined in until I was so exhausted I couldn’t continue. Yet, not even that exhaustion stopped the anxiety and shame at being forced to desert her because of my own lack of control.
My skin constantly itched with impatience to get to Shannon, but my heart ached at the thought that she might reject me. Maybe she’d decide she was better off without me, an Alpha who hadn’t protected her and, worse, had deserted her when she needed me, all because I couldn’t control my urges.
I expelled a heavy breath, the cloud it formed quickly blowing away on the icy, salt-laced wind. It had been four weeks for me, yet only days for Shannon in Faery. Those weeks had been so empty and lonely that I’d felt more adrift than ever. Even the grief of Gwen's death hadn’t left me feeling so hopeless or lost.
“You’ll see her soon.”
I tensed and spun, my boots twisting down into the wet sand. An immediate scowl scrunched my face when I saw Connor’s smirk. He’d snuck up on me, and he knew it. “I know. But I’m not sure it will go how I want it to.”
His big shoulders rose and fell under the bulk of his all weather-coat. Though we didn’t need them as much as humans, he spared no expense, ensuring his whole pack was kitted out with the best clothes for the harsh Scottish weather.
“Why not?”
Connor’s quiet question had my gut twisting. Talking about my failures as a mate was the last thing I wanted to do, not when he’d given me the job of getting her well and protecting her. I rubbed a hand through my saturated hair.
“I let her down, Con. She was so fucked up when we got to Faery I didn’t even know if she’d survive, let alone be strong enough to fight her demons. But she did.”
Silence fell. Connor said nothing as the rain, sea spray, and wind battered us. He just stared out to sea, giving me time to formulate my thoughts. He wouldn’t push. It wasn’t his way. But he also knew I’d want the right words to help him understand. I swallowed. I had his blood and power in my veins, which meant we were family. I huffed at that word. We were a whole shitload closer than I’d ever been to my family. I wiped a hand down my face, removing the salty drops of sea spray.
“When she was strong enough, I took her to the home I’d shared with Gwen.” Memories of the dell hit me, making my throat so tight I couldn’t speak. But my brain didn’t stop there. No, it reminded me of everything that had been so fucking perfect. Like waking up each morning with her in my arms, seeing her smile when it had been missing for so many years, driving her mad with my hands and my mouth. Her scent, the feel of her skin under my fingers, and her soft, sweet mouth. All those memories destroyed me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, my eyes burning, and thank fuck I could excuse the dampness in my eyes as the spray from the sea.
Connor rumbled, sensing my emotions, but didn’t speak.
I coughed, clearing the thickness in my throat. Nothing would end the pain in my chest except being by Shannon’s side again. Shit, who knew falling in love with my beautiful mate and then being forced to leave her, even temporarily, would be a hundred times more painful than anything else I’d ever been through.
“We fell in love.” There. I’d admitted it to my friend, even if the wind carried my words away. Somehow, telling Connor made these feelings inside me even more real. Telling him made me feel vulnerable yet also strong. I wouldn’t ever love another. Shannon was it for me.
“Fuck, man, you’ve loved her for years. Ever since she was thrown into that damned prison by that wanker, Doherty. I’d hoped sending you away together would be a good thing, that Shannon would survive because you wouldn’t allow her to die. I wanted to give you a chance to be with your soul mate. I never thought for even a minute you’d fall even further in love and then have to suffer through your fucking family kidnapping her and blackmailing you. I’d have ordered you home if I’d known it was so dangerous.”
My shoulders slumped, shame weighing me down. “She didn’t trust me enough to mate with me, Con, and I understood, I really did. But I thought we’d work together, and she’d see she could trust me with even more than the mating bond, with her life . But that fucker Doherty destroyed her. He should have been the one person in her life she could trust, yet he took her freedom and control of her life years before she was in that prison, and it all kinds of fucked her up.” I glanced at him, and though I could trust Connor with my life, I needed reassurance for Shannon’s sake. “This goes nowhere else? Not even to Ember. This is Shannon’s story to share with whoever she thinks needs to know.”
Connor nodded gravely. “Of course not.”
I nodded. I didn’t share Shannon’s past lightly, but maybe if Connor understood, he would be more lenient, or at least more supportive, if she relapsed in the future, especially if I wasn’t around.
“Doherty abused her, Con. He destroyed her sense of self-worth, and then he bargained with her body and used her for his friends’ entertainment. ”
Connor growled almost vibrating with the fury pouring off him. “Shit, I never knew. That’s why she refused to become a member of a pack in the prison? She didn’t want an Alpha to have power over her?”
I nodded.
Connor’s wolf shone in his gaze. “Fuck, I wish I could bring him back just so I could rip his head off again.”
“Yeah, me too. But that’s not the end of it.”
Connor’s eyes glowed as the beast beneath his skin became agitated. “Shit. When did this all start?”
“Just after Ava left home and you weren’t around any more.”
“What the fuck!? She was only a girl!”
“Yeah, I know.” My wolf thrashed with fury, and I had to take a few deep breaths and wrestle him before he submitted to my control. I blew out a breath and steeled myself for the next part. “Vilderon was working with Doherty to keep me in that prison, but they made a deal that stopped me from getting killed. I guess that’s why I spent more time in the pleasure rooms than in the fight rings.” I shuddered at the memories of that time, forcing them away. It had been a dark time for all of us. “When Shannon was a teenager, Doherty sold her to my father for one night. Shan fought to stop my father touching her because she was scared of him. Doherty punished her for fighting back. He threw her in that holding cell where we met. He starved her until she was weak and unable to fight, before taking her home, then sat and watched as my father hurt and raped her.” I took another long, slow breath, but nothing could stop the rage in my soul at what both of them had done. I let loose at the sky, my emotions as stormy and wild as the weather.
“Calm, brother…” Connor’s wolf looked out through his eyes; this time, he had a handle on his rage, and his wolf sought to soothe mine.
It took an iron grip on my fury before I was in control enough to continue. I nodded, retracting my claws. “I’ve got it.”
Connor grunted and stepped back.
“Vilderon was working with that fucker, Holt, and the Mades. He’d sent Holt to watch me as soon as his spies told him I was in the Winter Palace. He stupidly thought he could broker a deal with the dark Fae, using me as a bargaining chip, and then take over the borderlands, gain an army and threaten the crown. His behaviour was treasonous. Once he got his hands on Shannon in Faery, she remembered his face and it brought all that shit back. That fucker! He recognised her, and there was nothing I could do to stop him from using compulsion on her. He had never forgotten her name. Damnit, he took control of her mind and used her again because of me. I can’t even imagine how scared she was to be back in that position, with him touching her and threatening more.” Bile burned my throat. “He did it because he wanted to control me. It was my fault. If I hadn’t been so arrogant as to believe he’d never find me, she would never have been put in that position again. And because I’m so fucking weak, I had no way to get her out until you arrived to save our arses. It’s made me realise how right she was not to completely trust me.” I started pacing, my fingers curling and uncurling. “The cottage was one thing, but I should never have taken her to that damned village. It was stupid. And then to go and leave her alone and unprotected? She was my motherfucking responsibility! Why did I do that?” My pacing sped up as my agitation grew. “I couldn't protect her from Holt either, and then when she’s injured and truly needs me, I was useless. I lost control and had to leave her alone and vulnerable when she needed me the most.” I tipped my head back, my nostrils flaring.
“So why did you do any of it?” The question wasn’t accusatory, merely curious.
My hands fisted again. I really wanted to hit something. But that kind of physical release from my anger was only temporary. I’d been asking myself that same damned question from the moment I’d seen Vilderon’s hands on my Butterfly.
I’ll get her to take my cock out and suck it in front of everyone…
I faced the wildly churning waves, almost wishing one would wash me away and drown the shame in my heart. “I have no fucking idea.”
A heavy hand landed on my shoulder. “Listen, I don’t know much about your dynamics with Shannon, but I do know you. And as powerful and dominant as you are with the rest of the world, you’ve always been different with her. She’s not an Alpha; you know that as well as I do. She tried so hard to fit in, and though she was a good warrior, the kind of violence we deal with—I think it broke her. That’s on me, not you. I am her king. I should have pulled her from duty years ago, but I didn’t want to take away the one thing that seemed to give her purpose. I left it longer than I should have. Fuck, I thought I’d have to put her down for the shit she pulled. And I really didn’t want to do that. She’s as much my family as you are, and I knew you were the only person who could bring her back.” His hands squeezed my shoulders. “You did, Stone. She’s alive because of you. And there’s no fucking way she’d have stayed by your side in Faery if she didn’t trust you. She’s resourceful enough that no matter where you locked her up, she’d have found a way out.”
A smile curved one side of his mouth. “And if I know you, and I do, I’d hazard a guess that you took her to that cottage to share a piece of your past with her. Maybe because it was one of the happiest parts of it. She’ll understand that. I’d also guess that you left her in the village to show her you trusted her , and to give her some independence back.” He gave me a smug grin and crossed his arms. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but we both know I’m not. I think you left her to go hunting and prove you could provide for her like a worthy mate should. Am I right?”
I nodded, too choked up by my friend's assessment and absolute understanding of me to speak.
“Those aren’t the actions of a male who can’t be trusted, Stone. You were doing what was best for her. Everything that happened was on your father and your sister. Don’t for one fucking moment more blame yourself for their actions.”
I hung my head, unable to look at my friend, emotion overwhelming me as grief for my mother, even my sister, hit me. Yes, my father had broken them, but I’d abandoned them. I’d always thought I’d see my mother again, but knowing she was immortal had made me complacent. I’d seen death rear its ugly head so often I should have known better, and it was eating me up that I hadn’t made the effort to check in with them.
Connor stood before me and shook his head like he could hear my thoughts. “Vilderon would have tortured them even if you’d stayed. He wanted to control you and the power you have. He wanted to own you. The only way to do that was through your name.”
“I know.” My gaze was trained over his shoulder, watching the white crests of the waves curl. I couldn’t look at him without him seeing the guilt written all over my face. Even though I knew he was right, it didn’t change how I felt. Not when I remembered my mother’s smiles and Airling’s sweet giggle as I spun her in my arms when she was a little girl.
Connor rumbled again, stirring my wolf. “Look at me, brother.” A pulse of power made it clear I had no choice. His gaze was full of understanding. He’d had his own demons to conquer and knew better than most what guilt could do. “This is not your fault. Any of it. Your actions did not dictate Vilderon’s. Nor did you do anything that made Holt hurt Shannon. And your mating frenzy? Man, that’s a normal reaction to everything that happened. Now, you must forgive yourself, and then we get you to Shannon as soon as she’s well.”
I nodded, my eyes stinging as he pulled me in for a hug, repeating his words. “It’s not your fault. None of it.”
I tried hard to believe him, but whether I did or didn’t, there was a void of emptiness in my soul that wouldn’t stop spreading until I faced my mate. I was an Alpha, and there was no way I’d let her go without a fight, but ultimately the choice was hers. I’d never win her back if I forced her into anything. That was the kind of shifter behaviour we were trying to eradicate. If I had to spend months, even years, regaining her trust, then that’s what I’d do.