Chapter One
Seconds pass like hours.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I let the silence stretch between us, a tangible thing that seems to fill the entire room. Skye watches me closely, her green eyes studying my face, her fingers nervously picking at the wine label on her glass.
How did it come to this?
For the first time in my life, I let myself feel something more. I opened my heart to Skye…and now…
It’s breaking. My fucking heart is breaking.
But my God, she challenges me. I’ve felt more with her than I’ve felt in a lifetime. She made me feel alive in a way I never had. In a way that—
I stop my mind from going there. I’ve made my decision, and it’s the right one.
This is over. It has to be over until she can answer the question I asked. Why does she want to punish herself? She won’t be whole until she figures it out.
And I won’t be whole without her.
But I’ll survive. I always do.
“Well?” I finally ask.
She lifts her eyebrows.
“You may speak,” I say.
She nods. “Well, what?”
“Fuck it all, Skye. Don’t you have anything to say?”
She wrinkles her forehead. “I’m sorry. I’m a little…distracted.”
She didn’t just say that. This is ending, and that’s what she says? “Distracted? Really? So you don’t give a shit that we’re breaking up?”
Her silky cheeks go white, and her jaw drops. Is this only hitting her now?
Despite my stoicism, it’s already hit me like a damned hurricane. I’m shattered. My fucking heart is shattering.
I’m imploding inside, but I’ve learned how to keep my cool in the most desperate situations.
“I’m sorry.” She chokes back a sob.
Sorry that this is over? Sorry that she asked me to choke her? Sorry that she wants to punish herself?
It will do no good to interrogate her about any of this. I can’t figure this out for her. She needs to do it for herself.
And I need to own my part in it. Including her influencing career. She may lose business because we’re no longer together.
“This was a mistake,” I say, “and I take full responsibility.”
“My contract…”
“Yes, I’ve thought of that. If Susanne cancels the contract because you’re no longer my girlfriend, I’ll remunerate you until you find work.”
She tilts her head. “You’ll remunerate me?”
“Yes. I feel it’s only fair. Your association with me cost you the job with Addie, and your association with me also got you started as an influencer. If you’re no longer associated—”
“No. Remunerate means to pay for services rendered. Why would you use that word? Do you think I’ve been servicing you, Braden? That I was letting you—”
I shake my head. Emotion coils inside me, and that’s part of the problem. This woman brings out so much anger in me. More than anyone ever has, and I’ve had a lot to be angry about in my life.
“For fuck’s sake. Of course not. But I’m very aware that women will let me do what I want to do in exchange for the privilege of being with me.”
“Privilege? Are you kidding me? You really think I let you tie me up just to be your arm candy?”
“No. I said I didn’t. But it’s happened in the past.”
“With Addie?”
And more anger. It crawls up the back of my neck like a hornet’s sting. “Christ! This is serious, Skye. We’re having a significant conversation, and you bring up Addie and me again?”
“You brought it up. You said it’s happened in the past.”
“I wasn’t talking about Addie.”
What happened between Addie and me happened before I started my own company. I was working for my father in construction. Skye knows this. I was talking about the myriad other women who’ve come after me for my money. They’ll let me do anything to them. Which is exactly why I won’t.
“I’m not like anyone else,” she says.
She’s right about that. I’ve never opened myself up to anyone else like I have to Skye. Never let myself truly feel.
And now I’m paying for it.
Still, I’d do it all again. I’d do it again because this woman means more to me than I ever thought possible. And though I know I’m doing the right thing, it’s fucking killing me.
“I don’t regret my time with you,” I say.
She scoffs softly. “Great. I don’t regret my time with you, either.”
“I’m glad.”
Silence for a few moments.
My heart twists as I look at her. She’s so beautiful. So alluring. So challenging. This isn’t what I ultimately want. It’s what has to be. “Skye…”
“What?”
“I don’t want to end things. Please understand that.”
“If you don’t want to end things, don’t end things,” she says adamantly.
“It’s not that simple.” God, she has no idea.
“Seems to me it is. You end things or you don’t. Simple choice, Braden, and you’re the one making it.”
“There are things you don’t know.” I hold my chin high.
“Only because you won’t tell me!”
“Some things I don’t talk about,” I say, “with anyone.”
I can’t tell her. Will never be able to tell her.
“Then this relationship was doomed from the start, Braden. We never really had a chance, did we?”
I sigh and rub at my temples. “Maybe we didn’t.”
A tear falls down her cheek. One. Two. Three. Then several more, until sobs erupt from her throat and the tears become gushers. “You’re wrong! We always had a chance. Yes, I made some mistakes, but so did you. You should have been honest with me. About Addie. About your mother. About everything!”
My jawline tenses. She wants to talk about honesty? When she can’t tell me why she wants to punish herself? I love her, but in my lifestyle, you have to know who you are, what your limits are, and why. It’s dangerous, otherwise, and I’ll never again put a woman in danger.
“I’ll be honest with you the day you’re honest with me,” I say.
“I’ve been honest with you from the beginning. That’s not fair.”
“You think you’ve been honest with me, but you haven’t. You can’t even tell me why you wanted me to choke you tonight. You. Skye Manning. Queen of control. You wanted a man to put rope around your neck, to cut off your air. Do you have any idea what that means?”
“I just…” She wheezes as another sob erupts from her throat. “I just…”
I clench my jaw. “Say it, Skye! Fucking say it!”
She clenches her fist, and her cheeks flush with emotion. “I wanted to sink! Sink into nothingness! Give you the ultimate control over my life, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Does it make you feel like a big man to get me to admit that? Does it?”
To the contrary. Her words only sadden me. “It’s dangerous,” I say solemnly. “You’re an intelligent woman. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”
She gasps back another sob. “I trust you.”
“I know you do. This is no longer about trust, Skye.”
“Then what is it about?”
I rub my temples. The thought of what happened with Addie happening to Skye… I can’t let myself go there. “What if something went wrong? What if you…”
“I said I trust you,” she says. “But if it’s so dangerous, why do you let other people at your club do it?”
“Does it matter?”
“Of course it matters!”
I pause a moment, rubbing my chin. “I’m insured. The club is insured. People go there to live out their ultimate fantasies, and I give them the latitude to do that.”
“Well, then?” She meets my gaze.
“It doesn’t mean I share all their fantasies. And breath control of any kind is my hard limit.”
She whips her hands to her hips. “Even if I want it?”
“Especially if you want it, Skye. I will not put you in danger. What if you had a fetish of being thrown in front of a moving vehicle? Do you want me to indulge that?”
“It’s different, and you know it.”
I glare at her. “Is it?”
“Of course it is. I don’t want to harm myself.”
“What do you want, then?”
“To—”
She stops abruptly, her mouth hanging open.
She drops her gaze to my bed, and she smooths out a wrinkle on my navy comforter.
I could push her. Insist that she answer.
But she doesn’t know.
She would have told me already if she did.
And that’s the problem. I want the real answer. The deep answer. I don’t want the shallow explanation. I need the full truth, the one buried deep inside, the one that makes her hesitate to speak it. I won’t settle for anything less than the deepest, most real answer she’s got.