Chapter Sixteen
“When do you fly out?” Skye asks me when we’ve both cleaned our breakfast plates.
“Not until five p.m. I’ve got a car meeting me at the hotel at two thirty.”
“Okay. What would you like to do until then?”
I burn my gaze into her, knowing she can read my mind.
“Not here,” she says under her breath, though she doesn’t need to be so cautious. Her mother escaped the kitchen as soon as she served breakfast. Maggie seems off this morning, though how would I truly know? I’d bet she and Skye had words earlier, but what about?
About why Skye is here?
About why I’m here?
I don’t know when I’ll be able to return to Skye’s stomping grounds, so I want to learn what I can while I’m here.
“Show me around,” I say.
“Why? You’ve seen the house. And the cornfields are huge, but if you see one acre, you’ve seen them all.”
I reach toward her, trail a finger over her forearm. I know what I want to see. Will she take me there? “Show me a certain part of it.”
“What part?”
“The part where you got lost.”
Her jawline tenses.
This is getting to her, clearly.
But that time in her childhood obviously affected her, and it may be part of what she needs to face about herself. Part of what I need to learn about her.
And maybe about myself.
She swallows. “All right. I’ll take you there.”
I touch her hand. “You’re frightened.”
“Not frightened exactly. A little apprehensive.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?”
“You’ve never gone back there, have you?”
Her eyes widen. “How did you know that?”
“You got rigid. Tense at the mere thought.”
“You can tell that by looking at me?”
“Of course. I know you, Skye. Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself.” I look toward the entry and then lower my voice. “I have to know my partner. I have to be able to read her body when she can’t speak to me. It’s part of the lifestyle. Part of how I keep you safe.”
“Will we ever get back there, Braden?”
“I hope so,” I say, “because I don’t think I can exist without that part of my life.”
“You mean last night didn’t mean anything for you?”
“Last night meant everything to me. It was completely new to me, and I wanted it with you. But I can’t deny I still crave the darker side of sex. I always will. And if you and I can’t go there, I’m afraid there’s no future for us.” Sadness sweeps through me at the mere thought.
“We can go there, Braden. You’re the one who stopped it, not me.”
“True. But as long as you have that need—for the neck binding—I can’t be with you. That’s why I need you to figure out why you want it. That’s the only way we can deal with it, but until you know the reason behind that need, you’ll always want something I can’t give you. And that’s no way to begin a relationship. To begin a future together.”
“How can there be no future? We love each other.”
I cup her cheek, trailing my thumb over her lower lip. “Love isn’t always enough, Skye.”
“Love conquers all.”
“You’re better than a cliché,” I say. “You’re smarter than that.”
She nods.
Does she believe herself, though? Or does she truly think love can conquer everything? Because it can’t. I should know.
“I will answer your question, Braden,” she says. “That’s why I came here. To figure this stuff out. But when I answer yours, I expect you to answer mine. I want to know why it’s your hard limit.”
I nod. I don’t talk about that time in my life, but if she can come clean with me, I’ll do the same. She deserves that. “I always intended to.”
“Then I’ll hold you to it.”
The backyard is large, and one of the fields juts up against it, separated by chain-link fencing.
Skye breathes in deeply and leads me to the chain-link gate at the far side of the yard. “Is this where you went into the cornfield?” I ask.
“Yes. The gate was open.”
“Did you know how to open the gate?”
“Yeah. But I never did.”
“Were you allowed in the field?”
She nods. “As long as my mom was nearby and as long as I didn’t go in too far.”
“But that day, you went in.”
“Yeah. I was chasing a praying mantis, remember?”
“Right. You liked bugs.”
She smiles. “I was never a girly girl. I played in the mud. I never wore dresses except on special occasions. I didn’t even wear makeup until my senior year of high school.”
“Did you help with the farming?”
“Not the actual farming, no. But I helped Mom dry and can corn in the fall. I helped her with her craft fairs and baking. That kind of stuff.”
“Did you ever want to help in the fields?”
She shakes her head vehemently. “Not after that day.”
“Okay. Where did you go from here?”
She points. “See that post in the distance?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s where the scarecrow used to be. It’s where I hit my head and knocked myself out.”
“That’s pretty far for a little kid.”
“Believe me, it seemed like miles, especially when you can’t see over the corn stalks.”
I look around. “Praying mantises are green, right?”
“Yeah.”
I wrinkle my forehead. “How the hell could you chase it in here? Didn’t it blend in with the stalks?”
“Not really. It’s a different shade of green.”
“Ah,” I say. “Your photographer’s eye.”
“I suppose so. My mom actually asked me the same thing once I came to and told her what I was doing. To me, the greens are totally different.” She lets out a breath. She seems to be feeling better. Talking probably helps.
“Totally different?” I say, quirking one eyebrow.
“Okay. Subtly different. But I can see the difference.”
I grab her hand. “You’re cold as ice.”
“Am I? I thought I was feeling better.”
“It’s okay. Nothing is going to hurt you.”
“Because you’ll protect me, right?”
“Always,” I say, “but you don’t need me to protect you here.”
“I know.” She chokes out a laugh. “I was kidding.”
“I know you were. Do you realize that you use humor when you’re nervous?”
“Do I?”
“You do.”
We walk through the plowed pathway, moving farther and farther out, toward the old scarecrow pole. We don’t seem to be getting any closer, though, until it juts out from the ground and stops us in our tracks.
“Here we are,” I say.
“Yes.”
“Take this place back, Skye.”
“What do you mean?”
“Here it is. It’s an old pole. Nothing can harm you here. So take it back. Take back the power it stole from you all those years ago.”
“Have you ever done anything like that?”
Her question is valid, and it’s something I should probably do as well. But not here, and not now. “This isn’t about me. It’s about you.”
“But have you—”
“You have no idea what I’ve had to take back in my life.”
“Will you tell—”
“Damn it, Skye. Must you always be so obstinate?”
She lets out a nervous laugh. “Isn’t that why you love me?”
I shake my head. “God help me. You’re partially right.”
She smiles. Sort of. “I understand what you’re trying to do, but I don’t need to take this back, Braden. It doesn’t scare me.”
“Doesn’t it?”
“No. I admit to being reluctant to come here, but I’m fine now. Really.”
She’s lying to herself. It’s apparent by her tensed jaw, though her hand is no longer quite so cold.
“Then perhaps you’re wrong.”
“About what?” she asks.
“Maybe this isn’t what gave birth to your need for control.”
“No, this is it,” she says. “I didn’t realize until I got here, though, that this place isn’t anything to hamper my life. Besides, I gave up control. To you. Remember?”
“You did. Or rather you may think you did.”
“What do you mean?”
“Feeling out of control is related to anxiety. That’s how you feel when you lose control in a situation. That’s probably how you felt when you got lost here all those years ago.”
She nods.
“But,” I continue, “is that how you feel when you’re not in control now?”
Is it?
“No,” she replies. “Not really.”
“So you see, Skye, your need for control isn’t really who you are at all, is it?”
In my heart, I’ve always known the truth about Skye. Now she needs to see it for herself. “I… I don’t know.”
“What you define as being a control freak is really just a preference. You prefer to be able to think clearly. That’s why you don’t get drunk.”
“You think?”
“It’s possible. In fact, your willingness to give up control to me in the bedroom may be because it’s nice not to have to think sometimes. It’s nice to let someone else be in charge.”
Her mouth drops open. She knows I’m right.
“Tessa says I don’t let my hair down enough.”
“You seem to let it down with me.”
“Yeah, I do… In fact…”
“What?”
She nibbles on her lower lip, and all I can think of is kissing her.
“I want to let it down farther than you’re willing to let me.”
“That’s true,” I acknowledge.
“So…what do we do now?”
“You have to figure that out for yourself, Skye. I can’t help you.”
“But you just—”
“I just got lucky on a hunch. Most self-professed control freaks aren’t actually control freaks. For example, you don’t micromanage.”
“How do you know?”
“Addison wouldn’t have let you.”
“Since you brought her up—”
“Nice try.” My lips tremble as I try not to laugh. “We’re not talking about me yet.”
She huffs. “Fine.”
“You also didn’t change yourself or your situation for me.”
“I would never do that.”
“That’s exactly my point. You are who you are. You don’t change yourself to control the situation.” I pause. Then, “Let me ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Were you attracted to me from the beginning?”
“Of course.”
“A true control freak would have attempted to manage my impression of her. You didn’t do that.”
She cocks her head.
“Did you want to sleep with me that first night?” I ask.
“Of course!”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I—”
“See what I mean?”
“But I was controlling the situation.”
“No, you weren’t. You gave up something you wanted that you could have had. How is that being in control?”
“It was… It was too soon.”
“According to whom?”
“I don’t know. According to the rules I set in my own head?” She laughs nervously.
“Bingo. That’s your illusion of control—those rules in your head. But that’s not what makes a true control freak. You control only yourself. A control freak takes charge of others.”
She drops her jaw. Is this actually news to her?
“What did you gain by controlling yourself?” I ask.
“Nothing. I mean, I made you wait, I guess.”
“You did. You made us both wait for something we both wanted. But you know what?”
“What?”
“I never doubted you’d come to my bed. And I never doubted you’d eventually yield to me.”
She cocks her head. “You said I was a challenge.”
“Yes, and you were. You are. But I never back down from a challenge, and there’s not one thing I’ve gone after that I haven’t gotten.”
“So you’re saying…”
I breathe in, adjust my stance, ready to tell her the ultimate truth. “I’m saying there’s only one true master of control standing here, Skye, and it’s not you.”