Amazing Grace

Chapter 6

The following day, Grace was making her morning coffee and trying to juggle her finances, which were pretty non-existent while she was concentrating on making the house nice for her and Archie, when Monica’s face flashed up on the caller display.

‘You just can’t keep away from me, can you?’ Grace laughed.

‘Babes, are you doing anything tonight?’ Monica asked in a creepy, ‘I want something’ type of voice.

‘No, just a quiet one in front of the TV for me, catching up on Love Island,’ she replied.

‘Actually, hun, you’re not. I know Archie has gone to his dad’s for two nights this weekend, so you are free, and I just got an email from Derek from that dating website. You’re meeting him tonight for a drink at the Duke of Wellington at seven o’clock.’

‘But…’ stammered Grace.

‘Don’t you “but” me, young lady! Now, before you even start to argue that you are not going, I can’t get in touch with him now, so he’s expecting to see you there. It’s just a drink, just meet him and see if you like him. If you don’t, you’ll never have to see him again, and if you do, that’s great. If nothing else, it’s a night out. Just think of it like you would if you were networking at work.’

‘I think I hate you right now, Monica!’ Grace said, laughing.

‘No you don’t, babe, you love me to bits, you know you do. Now be a good girl and go and get your glad rags on. Ring me later or tomorrow and let me know how you get on. Love you. Byeee.’

She’d disappeared before Grace had the chance to protest any more. She resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to go. What was the worst that could happen?

* * *

Grace walked into the Duke of Wellington and could not see a soul that resembled the picture from the dating website. She went to the bar and asked for a gin and tonic, needing something to calm her nerves. There was a vacant table in the window with two comfy leather armchairs which overlooked the village square, so she smoothed down her long-length blue top over her jeans, hung her linen jacket over the back of one of the chairs, plonked herself down in it and pulled a book out of her handbag. As an avid reader, she always made sure she had a book with her. It made her think of Vinnie, who’d said he was a bookworm. In fact, there was nothing that made her happier than clean bedclothes, some new pyjamas and a great novel.

She checked her watch; it was twenty-five past seven. She was just considering whether to stay or not when a guy who looked like the father of the man in the photo and half the height appeared at the door. She looked him up and down and took in his scruffy attire. He’d clearly come straight from work because he had on a logo’d polo shirt and combat trousers with a tool belt attached. He came bowling over to her and said, ‘Please say you are Grace.’

‘I am,’ she said as she stood to greet him. She towered over him and she only had a pair of mid-height kitten heels on.

‘Derek,’ he announced and shook her hand. ‘Back in a sec!’ And he disappeared again.

She wondered whether she could sue the dating site for misrepresentation. That was clearly a very old photo. She went back to her book for the moment, vowing that she wouldn’t go on first impressions and would give him the benefit of the doubt when he came back. He might be nervous too.

Ten minutes later, he appeared with a pint of Guinness and threw himself into the other armchair.

‘Just had to go to the loo! Been dying for a poo all the way back from Liverpool! You know what it’s like when you just have to go?’ he laughed, too loudly, and a couple who were sitting at the bar turned round at the noise. She smiled an apologetic smile at them, wanting the ground to open up beneath her.

‘Oh right!’ She raised her eyebrows in surprise at his familiarity. Poo conversations normally waited until you knew someone a little better. It also really annoyed her that he’d got himself a drink and hadn’t bothered to ask her if she wanted one. He hadn’t even apologised for being late either.

She packed her book back in her handbag wishing he’d just bugger off and leave her to finish her drink and read in peace. She couldn’t believe she’d left her comfy sofa at home for this, but she couldn’t bring herself to be impolite, even if manners seemed to escape him.

‘So, I expect you’d like to know all about me, wouldn’t you?’ he asked.

‘Oh, OK then. Why not?’ She was trying to work out different ways to kill Monica when she saw her next. She was in for such a bollocking later.

‘Well, I’m a plumber, as you know from my profile and this.’ He pointed at the logo on his shirt. ‘The picture was taken ten years ago but it was my best ever photo so I thought I’d use it. And I’ve really not changed that much.’

Yeah right, thought Grace as she took in the huge bald spot and tufty grey hair, the bit of hair that he did have left.

‘So I’m thirty-five…’

Grace tried not to raise an eyebrow at this – if he was thirty-five she was Kylie Minogue!

‘…and I have my own business. I’m very successful. Well, it’s my dad’s business but he’s practically handed it over to me now. I have one of those Mitsubishi trucks that cost loads of money, but I can fit all my work stuff in. I live with my mum and dad. I play rugby every Saturday and when I’m not playing it, I’m watching it. I’m a bit of a lad, if you know what I mean.’ He winked as he said that last bit. Grace groaned to herself. ‘I earn shit loads of money and am a pretty good catch, even if I say so myself,’ he finished. ‘What else would you like to know about me?’

She resisted the urge to say ‘nothing at all’ but again her tendency to be polite took over. ‘How long have you been on the dating site, Derek?’ she asked.

‘Just over three years,’ he replied. ‘So not long really. I’ve been on eighty-seven dates so far but have still not yet found the girl of my dreams. There’s been something wrong with every single one of them.’

What a surprise, thought Grace.

‘Most of them have got kids, too! What’s that all about? Little horrors just take up all your money and suck the life out of you. Why would you want kids in this day and age? I can spend my own money, thanks very much, don’t need anyone else doing that for me.’

Oh God! She wondered how long she had to stay before she made her excuses and left. She knew it was a mistake coming tonight. She’d had a bad feeling. And she really was going to kill Monica, probably with her bare hands.

At this point, his phone started to ring and he answered it in a loud, booming voice that the whole pub could hear. ‘Diggers! How you doing, buddy? Great to hear from you.’ He wandered outside to take the call, totally oblivious to Grace, who shrank back even further into her seat.

Her own phone rang. It was Hannah. ‘Hey, my beautiful little sister. How’s things with you?’

Grace was so happy to hear her sister’s friendly voice. ‘H, you must be psychic! If I told you, you wouldn’t believe me.’

‘Try me!’

‘I’m on a date that bloody Monica arranged. He’s a nightmare! So far, he turned up late and hasn’t apologised, disappeared to the loo for a poo and didn’t come back for ages, then got himself a drink and has talked about himself for the last twenty minutes. I’m delighted that one of his mates just rang and he’s gone outside to talk to him.’

‘Get out of there right now,’ Hannah said assertively.

‘I can’t just walk out, that’s rude,’ Grace replied.

‘No, love, what’s rude is what he’s done to you since you met him. What a knobhead. You need to just leave and go home. Go on, do it. He won’t even notice if he’s on the phone. Pick up your things, walk out of the door and get in your car. Drive home and call me back. For once in your life, stop being nice to people who are not being nice to you!’ She hung up.

Grace’s heart began to beat really fast as she actually considered doing what her sister said. In her head she heard a voice say, Go on, Grace, just walk out the back door to the car. He’s not for you! Just go!

Grace got up from the table. Her hands were shaking, but she picked up her handbag, glancing at Derek who was pacing around outside the pub with one hand down his trousers, totally oblivious to anything but whoever he was chatting to on the phone. He wasn’t even looking at her. She walked towards the back door, on the way out to the car park, then doubled back and went to the bar and asked the barman if she could borrow a piece of paper and a pen. He handed them to her with a grin on his face as if he’d been watching the whole debacle.

She went back to the table and scribbled a note, putting it next to Derek’s glass. As she walked past the barman, he high-fived her and told her he’d never treat a woman as beautiful as her that way. She blushed but smiled as she left by the back door, practically running to her car. She started the engine as fast as she could and raced out of the car park like Lewis Hamilton on Red Bull. She smiled to herself, imagining his face as he read the note she’d left for him.

Derek, here’s a tip from me. On your next first date, treat your lady like a princess. Turn up on time, be nice to her, buy her a drink, ask her about herself and don’t talk about poo. Maybe, just maybe, if you follow this advice, one of these dates might just work out for you. Good luck with that! Grace

Grace drove home realising that everything that had happened that night was the reason she had never wanted to do internet dating in the first place. It had been a disaster. She fired off a quick text to Monica telling her that she was in deep trouble due to a disastrous night out. If this is the calibre of men available, Grace thought to herself, I’d be happy to stay in every night!