An English Bear in Berlin

Chapter 1

Chapter One

Dr. Kieran Walsh

I walked out of the main doors of the Royal Northern College of Music feeling cold, numb and sick.

I don’t believe this.

I turned left on Oxford Road, functioning on auto pilot, my head still spinning. Around me, Manchester was its usual bustling, energetic self. The pavements were crowded with people, most of them in light clothing, enjoying the sunshine and warmth of a summer’s day.

The warmth that couldn’t penetrate the layer of ice shrouding me.

This is a dream. Any second now I’m going to wake up.

I needed to wake up, and it wasn’t a dream—it was a nightmare.

A burly man barged into me and grumbled, and like a typical Brit, I apologised. I came to a halt on the street corner, trying to get my bearings. Portland Street. I knew where I was. I turned right and headed for Piccadilly Gardens.

That feeling of nausea still crawled up my throat.

What am I going to tell Diana?

The principal had been polite. She’d gone through the motions, explained the procedure, and I’d sat there, barely taking in a word. As I walked—except trudged was a more apt description—along the street, I replayed her words over and over, and it didn’t improve the situation.

By the time I reached the tram stop, my legs were having difficulty keeping me upright.

I can’t see how this will end.

I knew the truth, but that wasn’t important, it seemed. The wheels had been set in motion, and there was nothing I could do except wait for them to grind to a halt and reach the hopefully obvious conclusion—that whoever had started this travesty was a lying little bastard.

I got on the tram and found a seat. I stared through the window, but I couldn’t see the buildings, the people, the traffic.

All I saw was that damn email.

Could you come to my office at 11:00 this morning? HR will also be present.

I didn’t understand. It was supposed to be a routine faculty meeting with the principal in attendance, to discuss the autumn term. Why does HR need to be there?

That was enough to send a trickle of unease creeping through me.

The principal’s face when she opened the door and asked me to step inside only exacerbated the sensation. And seeing a representative from Human Resources seated at the desk, wearing a polite, neutral smile, a folder open in front of him, tightened my chest.

Dr. Williams gestured to the empty chair facing the desk, and I sat quickly, my heart thumping. She clasped her hands on the desk.

“Kieran, thank you for coming in at short notice.”

“Of course.” My voice felt distant to my own ears.

She took a breath, and I was overcome with the urge to get out of there, now, before whatever she had to say left her lips.

This is not going to be good.

“I’m afraid we need to discuss a serious matter that has been brought to the college’s attention.”

My stomach clenched. “What kind of matter?”

She straightened in her chair. “An allegation has been made by one of your students.”

A faint ringing began in my ears. “An allegation?” The words came out as a croak.

“Yes.”

I forced myself to sit still. “What exactly is being alleged?”

The HR representative cleared his throat. “The student has reported that you engaged in inappropriate conduct of a sexual nature.” His tone was measured, careful. “Specifically, that you coerced him into a sexual relationship in exchange for favourable academic treatment.”

I gaped at him. “This is a joke. Tell me this is a joke.”

Neither of them said a word, but continued to gaze calmly at me, no hint of whatever was going on in their minds.

I let out a short, incredulous breath. “That’s not true. Not a single word of it.”

The HR guy coughed. “It’s important that you understand we’re not making any findings at this stage. This is an allegation, and it will be investigated in line with the college’s procedures.”

I looked from one to the other. “I have never—” I stopped myself, forcing the words out more carefully. “I have never had any kind of relationship with a student. Ever.”

The principal inclined her head.

“I hear what you’re saying, Kieran. And you will have the opportunity to respond fully as part of the formal process.” The words were calm, professional, and impersonal.

This is really happening.

Cold inched its way through me. “What happens now?”

The HR representative glanced briefly at his notes.

“In cases of this nature, the college is required to undertake a formal investigation. Given the seriousness of the allegation, we will be appointing an independent investigator.”

My head was a mess. “And in the meantime?”

There was a pause before Dr. Williams spoke, her voice quiet. “As a precautionary measure, we are asking you to step back from your duties with immediate effect.”

I blinked. “Step back?”

“You will be placed on precautionary suspension,” the HR guy clarified. “And I must stress this is a neutral act. It is not a disciplinary sanction.”

“It doesn’t feel neutral,” I ground out.

“I understand that. However, it’s necessary to ensure the integrity of the investigation and the wellbeing of all parties involved.”

I snorted. “Wellbeing? I don’t think being falsely accused of forcing a student to have sex with me will contribute greatly to my wellbeing, do you? Aren’t I at least entitled to know who’s made this accusation?”

HR Guy shook his head. “Not at this stage. Right now you’re being told the nature of the allegation. We can’t share the student’s name because we have to protect him, and—”

“Protect him?” I blurted. “When he’s just lied his arse off?”

“—and to prevent interference with evidence,” HR guy concluded.

“You’ll receive full details in writing,” the principal added.

I clenched my fists in my lap. “So I’m suspended.”

“You’ll remain on full pay,” she said. “And you’ll be expected to make yourself available to assist with the investigation.

” Then she leaned forwards. “Once you are informed of all the details, you are not permitted to contact the student concerned, or any potential witnesses. We also ask that you do not discuss this matter with colleagues.”

I barked out a laugh. “So I just… disappear?”

Dr. Williams looked me in the eye. “No. You take some time away while we establish the facts.”

Time away.

I stared at the desk, at the neat arrangement of papers, the stillness of the room pressing in around me.

My entire life, reduced to a process.

“How long will this take?” I asked.

“It is difficult to give an exact timeframe,” the HR representative said. “We would hope to conclude the investigation within several weeks.”

Several weeks.

I nodded, even though the number felt abstract and meaningless. “And if I refuse to ‘take some time away’?” I air-quoted.

HR Guy met my gaze. “I would strongly advise against that. Failure to comply with a precautionary suspension could itself become a disciplinary matter.”

Silence settled over the room.

The principal’s voice softened. “Kieran, I appreciate this is a great deal to take in, but we have a duty to follow procedure. That protects you as much as it protects the student.”

I stared at her. This didn’t feel like protection.

It felt like the ground shifting beneath my feet. Sinking.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked, my voice barely audible.

HR Guy closed his folder, and Dr. Williams leaned back in her chair. “For now, you go home.” Another pause. “And you let us do our jobs.”

I sat there for a moment longer, then gave a small, numb nod. “Right.”

“And I’d advise you to contact your union rep,” HR Guy added.

That brought everything into sharp focus.

There was nothing else I could say in the circumstances.

I pushed my chair back and stood, aware of both of them watching me.

“Someone from my department will be in contact shortly with further details,” HR Guy added.

I didn’t reply, but turned and walked out of the office, the door closing softly behind me.

The corridor beyond felt unfamiliar, as though I was seeing it for the first time.

Or the last.

By the time I reached the exit, the only thought left in my mind was a single, disorientating certainty.

Everything has just changed.

The tram came to a halt, and I focused on the platform sign.

Shit, this is my stop.

I dived out of my seat and hurled myself through the doors before they closed. The slope to the pavement didn’t feel solid beneath my feet. My heart pounded.

How am I going to break this to Diana?

I walked slowly along the leafy street, the happy sound of birds chirping so incongruous, a lead weight in my stomach. The accusation replayed itself in my mind, each time sounding more unreal.

Coerced him… sexual relationship… favourable treatment.

It was absurd, not to mention impossible. It was—

I stopped walking for a moment, my breath catching.

But it isn’t impossible, is it? It’s just not true.

I forced myself to move again. Several weeks. Precautionary suspension. My life, neatly paused. I should have been filled with pure outrage.

Instead, what made my chest heavy, my breathing laboured, was exposure, as though something private—something carefully contained—had been dragged into the light, distorted into something ugly and unrecognisable.

I haven’t done anything.

That thought didn’t quiet the unease, because it wasn’t the whole truth.

Houses blurred as I walked past them, my mind drifting in fragments.

A face on the street. A man, tall, broad-shouldered, laughing with someone beside him. How my gaze had flickered for a second, before I looked away.

A memory surfaced, unbidden. A queue in a café, the brief awareness of someone standing too close behind me. The warmth of it. The way my body had reacted before my mind could catch up.

I swallowed.

That doesn’t mean anything.

Another memory, this time of the gym changing room. The careful avoidance of looking too long. The awareness that if I did, it might mean something I wasn’t ready to name.

Stop it. This isn’t the same thing.

But the accusation had found a tender spot, close enough to the truth to make it dangerous.

Diana. I’ll have to tell her. But how do I explain something like this? How do you say ‘I’ve been accused’ without it sounding like ‘I’ve done something’?

My throat tightened.

Beneath the fear, the shock, and the confusion, something else stirred.

Something I’d spent years ignoring. Carefully burying.

I reached the front gate, walked up to the door, and paused, my key in my hand. Because once I went inside, once I spoke….

I closed my eyes. Enough.

When I opened them, I unlocked the door and stepped into the house’s cool interior where everything seemed so normal. I stood in the hallway, steadying myself.

“Kieran? What are you doing home at this time?” Diana called out from the dining room.

I pushed the door open. She sat at the table, her laptop open, her notepad beside it, a calculator beside that. She frowned as I entered. “You look awful.”

I took a deep breath.

“We need to talk.”