Chapter 17
Chapter
Lennon
The next morning I stared at my face in my bathroom mirror before I ran my hands over the neatly trimmed beard that still covered my face from my cheekbones to my Adam’s apple. I rubbed my throat where it met my neck, feeling the thick ridge of scar an inch from my carotid artery. If that piece of shit had had better aim, I would be dead.
“Huh…” I hadn’t realized that before. No clue why it hit me now, but it did, and hard. My hands shook, and I had to hold on to the edge of the counter to stay upright through the quaking. My vision tunneled.
I’d be dead, and my mom would still have cancer, but I wouldn’t be here to help her. And Vivi…she would have had to live with my death.
“I’m alive. I’m here. Vivian’s here. No one is hurt.” I repeated that mantra over and over until I regained control.
I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were a bit wild, my lips compressed. “You’re going to be okay. It’s fine. You’re fine.” I nodded, and I had to admit, I did feel better—maybe because I’d admitted my fears to Amber, maybe because I’d faced Vivi and finally been able to come clean. Or maybe because there was hope that I’d be able to move forward with Vivian, that she’d still want me even after I’d ghosted her.
Belladonna pawed the air next to my leg as she whined. “Yeah, that was a lot, wasn’t it?” I settled on my bathroom’s tile. “Come on, girl. I could use a snuggle.”
Because Belladonna had been raised to work with Army Rangers, she wasn’t much of a snuggler. But she was also a dog, and she cared about me, just as I cared about her. When I opened my arms, she dove against my chest, nuzzling me as she made soft noises.
I stroked her head as I stared at nothing, letting my mind go as it needed to. Vivian would help my mother through her treatment regimen, and my mother wasn’t a quitter. My mother’s decision to bring Vivian to Houston was a huge signal of approval—one I wasn’t sure Vivian realized.
While she hadn’t said it to my face, my mother’s decision to hire Vivian had told me to get off my ass and live before it was too late. I took a deep breath and released it slowly. I couldn’t do much more about that situation right now except be there for my mom. And I totally would. I planned to spend all my free time here, with her, until I knew she was in remission.
I was a mama’s boy and proud of that—proud of my mother’s work ethic and parenting, which had created four successful, thoughtful people. Proud to be a man she’d helped mold.
I had a much better chance of controlling the situation with Vivian, I decided. I could take her out, spoil her, show her how much she meant to me. I’d start by inviting her to my hockey game later this week.
Belladonna rose from my lap and shook, so I got off the floor, wincing at my aching butt. I texted Amber and asked to sit with her before practice. Then I contacted Coach Whitaker. He agreed to let me come in a little late since we were lifting weights before ice time.
An hour later, I sat in the chair I considered mine in Amber’s office, scooching until I was comfortable as I leaned my head against the back, hands on the arm rests. I explained what had happened yesterday and my thought process this morning. “I feel lighter,” I told her, “like my body and mind needed to push that shit out of my head.”
“And now? What do you want to do now?” Amber asked. She sat across from me, ankles crossed, glasses on the tip of her nose, expression intent.
“I want to marry Vivian, and I want my mom at the ceremony.”
Amber raised a well-groomed eyebrow, a smile curving her lips. “Those are some goals. I assume you don’t mean today.”
“I’m putting them out there to manifest—not today but not too far in the future. I knew Vivi was it for me when I met her last September, and seeing her again has reinforced that.” I grinned and leaned forward, slapping my hands on my knees. “That’s all I got for today.”
“All right. And Lennon?”
“Yup?”
She offered me a full-watt smile. “I’m really impressed with you.”
I snorted. “I was a dick.”
“We all tend to lick our wounds when we’re hurt.”
“Yeah, well, I need a make-amends list,” I said as I stood.
“I like that,” Amber said, also rising. “Tell you what, let me know how that goes.”
I paused. “You mean…”
She chuckled. “I mean you can come back when you want, if you want.”
“Can I give you a hug?” I asked. “Before I skip out of here a free man?”
This time, she belly laughed even as she opened her arms.
That afternoon, after practice, I hesitated for the first time in my entire life before entering my mother’s house. I was at the back door, which led into the laundry room and beyond that, the kitchen. Belladonna sat and looked up at me, but I stood mesmerized by the sound of Vivian’s laughter.
I’d missed her laugh. Much like a parched plant lifting its leaves to life-giving rain, I felt myself unfurl, expand, grow. With a smile I pushed open the door and stepped into the room, that lightness in my chest expanding when Vivian laughed again.
“Really, Lola? He said that ?”
“Oh, yes. Little Lennon was quite the comedian.” My mother glanced up at me from her spot at the kitchen table, letting me know she was aware I was there. Vivian’s back was to me, slim and straight. Her hair was piled atop her head in that messy style my sisters preferred when they were lounging. I drank in the elegant, ivory column of her neck, the delightful curves of her shoulders, the slim musculature of her bared arms.
“But his brother, Ruben, died when Lennon was in middle school. He was in the army, a Ranger.” Mom smiled with pride. “He and his K-Nine were killed.”
“I’m so, so sorry.” Vivian’s long, elegant fingers encased my mother’s darker hand. Mom patted Vivian’s hand with her free one before she returned it to her mug.
“Thank you, querida. That was long ago. My heart, while not whole, is at peace.”
“I wonder if I’ll get there. I still grieve my mother,” Vivian said.
“You will,” Mom said with a gentle pat. “Now, let’s discuss my first treatment plan.” She raised her eyebrows at me. “I want it to start after Lennon’s next game. I don’t get to see enough of those.”
My mother held season tickets, which she’d refused to let me buy her. I knew what she was doing, and I appreciated the effort. Who would have thought my mom would be my best wing person?
“Hey, Mom,” I said as I closed the mudroom door behind me. Belladonna raced over to Vivian, all tail wags and lolling tongue. I glanced from Mom to Vivian, noting her surprised expression. “You’re coming to the game? Want to be in the owner’s box? I’m sure Gunnar would love to have you and Vivian there.”
“That’s perfect, Lennon.” She beamed. “I’ll give my tickets to?—”
“Please don’t give them away,” I groaned.
She clucked. “I’ll do what I want with them, and what I want to do is give them to my boss. It butters him up, which will be helpful when I need to take more time off.”
Her mouth tightened, and I noted the strain in her eyes. My mother was scared. I hated that she felt that way. I walked across the tiles and hugged her. “Of course, Mom. Of course.”
She rested her head against my shoulder for a moment before she patted my back. “So, the game. This will be Vivian’s first one, so you boys better win.”
“I’ll do my best,” I said.
My gaze met Vivian’s, and I saw softness in her eyes. I’d talked to her about my close relationship with my mother and sisters, but maybe she hadn’t realized I’d meant it. “So, I’d suggest you get there about an hour early. I’d offer to take you?—”
“No, I don’t like going with you, hijo,” Mom said. “I’ll drive. But tell you what—you bring Vivian back after you celebrate your win. That way she’ll get more time with the CATS.”
“That’s not necessary—” Vivian began.
“Hana will be there,” I said. I’d already talked to Naese to make sure. “And Paloma, she’s our coach’s wife, is looking forward to meeting you. So are the rest of the ladies.”
Vivian frowned. “CATS?”
Belladonna accepted pats from my mother, gave her a soft lick, and settled under the table.
“Comrades, Allies, Teammates, and Spouses. Gunnar Evaldson, our owner, wanted to be as inclusive as possible,” I explained.
“Isn’t that kind of him?” Mom said. “Now, that’s a man who needs a strong partner.” Mom launched into a story about Gunnar, then another. I was surprised, but somehow not, to learn the two of them were friendly.
After a delicious meal, I did the dishes. Wiping my hands on the dish towel, I felt a pang of disappointment. “I have to head out. Belladonna needs a run and so do I.” I patted my stomach. Belladonna perked up, coming out from under the table.
“Oh! Take Vivian. She was saying she wanted to learn the running trails. Plus, she hasn’t seen your place yet.”
Again, my mother’s meddling warmed my chest. She really was a fabulous woman. I faced Vivian. “If you want…”
Vivian licked her lips, her gaze darting between us. “Okay. Just let me change.”
Mom waited until Vivian was in her room before she said quietly, “That girl needs love, Lennon. She’s starved for it.”
I nodded. “I want to give it to her. All of me.”
Mom reached up and patted my cheek. “You already do. She just needs to realize.”