Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Emma
W ell, fuck me.
I’m sitting on the couch trying to calm my racing heart while the image of Jeremy reading to Maddy and the intensity in his gaze when he looked at me in the doorway plays on repeat in my mind.
Presumably, he’s about to walk down those stairs any minute and what then? Between suddenly being the guardian of a child, spending almost an entire day in an elementary school, and now having the man I may or may not have big, complicated feelings for in my house, my introverted brain is melting. I’m not built for this much human interaction.
Turns out every romance novel I’ve ever read was right. There is nothing in the world more attractive than a man taking care of the child who means so much to you. When the man in question is Jeremy Wright, object of my years-long crush, whom I could seldom even look in the eye until very recently, participant in the most memorable night of my entire life, it’s not just attractive. It’s a melt my underwear clean off my body, drag him to my bedroom and strip him naked, get down on my knees and beg him for forever brand of scorching hot.
My phone buzzes, interrupting that uncomfortable train of thought.
“Bless,” I mutter, opening up the group text with my friends.
Julie
Something to share Emma Jane Langley?
Me
What could you possibly mean?
Julie
Any…visitors at your house you want to tell us about?
Hallie
What visitors? Emma never has visitors that aren’t us.
Me
Rude. And also true.
Molly
If there’s something to be shared then share away, Em. There are no secrets here.
Hallie
Is that what you think?
Molly
No one can keep secrets from me. It’s a known fact.
Hallie
So, the thing where I wanted to leave my practice and go into family law full time and didn’t tell anyone for a year?
Julie
And that time I was drowning in anxiety and panic attacks for my entire adult life, and you never knew?
I chuckle, because I can visualize Molly’s frustrated face right now while she realizes that everyone can, in fact, keep secrets from her. It’s giving me life, so I can’t help but pile on.
Me
That time I had one night of hot, dirty sex with Jeremy and didn’t tell you for eight years?
Molly
FUCKING FINE YOU CAN ALL KEEP SECRETS. Now can someone tell me who Emma’s visitor is before I drive over there and see for myself?
Hallie
Aren’t you guys neighbors?
Molly
I’m still at the office. Stupid client. Long story. Not interesting. Talk please.
Me
Jeremy is here.
Julie
Yeah, he is.
Me
How did you know?
Julie
Asher. He was in Jeremy’s office when you guys were texting earlier. Jeremy had, and I quote, his Emma grin on.
Hallie
Wait, he’s in your house? Like, right now?
Me
He brought over a million boxes of cereal and made dinner a create the best combo competition. He made Maddy laugh for the first time, and then she asked him to read her a book.
Molly
FUCKING SWOON.
Hallie
And where is he now?
Me
Still upstairs. She was falling asleep, and I think maybe he wanted to stay there until she was all the way asleep.
Julie
I am the heart eyes emoji right now.
Molly
What happens when he comes back downstairs?
My cheeks heat at Molly’s question, because what the fuck is going to happen? Suddenly restless, I push up from the couch, stalking to the kitchen and yanking open my emergency candy drawer. My hand lands on a bag of peanut M&M’s, but I hesitate. Remembering the little revelation a few weeks ago about my habit of eating peanut M&M’s when I’m stressed, I very deliberately choose a bag of plain before I flop back down on the couch. So not stressed. Not at all anxious. The fucking picture of serenity.
Me
I honestly have no idea.
Julie
That’s okay. One day at a time, Em. You have a lot on your plate right now.
Hallie
Well, whatever happens, you better be ready to tell us all about it. Just because you’re taking the week off before Maddy goes to school next week doesn’t mean you don’t owe us a sexy breakfast story.
Molly
Speaking of Maddy going back to school, I had an idea I wanted to run by you. It’s two weeks until wedding day and we now have a little girl who needs a dress.
Me
A dress for what?
Hallie
Uh, for my wedding. You know, the big important event we’ve been planning for the last few months.
Me
She’s invited? I figured I would find a babysitter, or, like, ask my grandparents to come in for the weekend.
Hallie
Don’t you dare. She’s yours now, Em. Of course she’s invited.
Molly
Ergo, the dress. I found a kids clothing boutique in Shadyside and went to scope it out when I grabbed lunch earlier. Their dresses are amazing, and I think we should do a little fashion show and let her pick out whatever she wants. Dress, shoes, hair accessories, the whole thing.
Molly
I talked to the owner and told her about the situation. She said she would create a private fitting room in the back and make it special. We just have to tell her when. I thought one day next week after school. We can all go.
Julie
In.
Hallie
Definitely yes.
Julie
I just checked everyone’s schedules, and no one has meetings next Thursday afternoon.
Molly
Done and done. I’ll set it up.
Julie
My mom will pout if we do this and don’t invite her.
Molly
So, invite her.
Me
That sounds perfect. Love you guys.
Hallie
Love you right back, Em.
My eyes well up at my friends’ easy acceptance of this new part of my life. Between this and Rachel Parker’s offer to pick Maddy up every day after school and watch her until I finish working, I have never felt so supported in my life. I am so fucking lucky.
“You okay, Ems?”
My head snaps up at Jeremy’s voice as he makes his way down the stairs. I hastily wipe under my eyes to make sure no tears escaped and set my phone down on the coffee table.
“Is she asleep?”
Jeremy nods. “I waited a little so I wouldn’t wake her up when I left. Reading with her was…nice. I liked it.”
Color rises on his face just a little and he looks down, as if he’s embarrassed by the fact that he enjoyed reading with a seven-year-old.
“I think she liked it too.”
His face brightens. “You think?”
Oh, you sweet, sweet man .
I am so fucked.
“I do.”
“I’m glad. Anyway, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I was texting with the girls. Molly had this idea to take Maddy dress shopping one day after school next week for Hallie and Ben’s wedding. She found the store and talked to the owner about making it special, and everyone is taking the afternoon off so we can all go together. Julie’s asking Rachel if she wants to come too. It just got me, you know? So many parents don’t have any support at all, and I have all of this. Not that I’m a parent or anything, but you know what I mean.”
Jeremy sits next to me, propping his left leg up against the back of the couch so he’s facing me. He smells so good, and his green T-shirt looks like it was custom made for him with the way it hugs his biceps so perfectly. His dark hair is just the right amount of messy, and I keep getting a picture of him reading with Maddy, and everything about him is just doing it for me right now. I want to jump him, and that’s not exactly the friendly vibe I’ve been trying for with him.
“It doesn’t matter that you’re not her biological parent. She’s here in your house and you’re taking care of her. You deserve all the support while you do that. You’re doing such a good job.”
His face is boyish and earnest and so damn cute.
“You think so? I swear I’m not fishing for compliments here, but I truly have no idea what I’m doing.”
“I know so.” He reaches for my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine, and heat spirals out from where our hands touch. Jeremy’s eyes bore into mine, and I can tell he feels it too.
“She trusts you. I could see it in the way she looked at you. You haven’t known her for long, but you understand her. Like how she wanted you to help her in the shower but didn’t know how to ask for it, so you offered to come sit on her bed and keep her company. For a kid like Maddy who has moved around so much, those are really big things. You were born to do this, Ems.”
I look down at our joined hands, a little uncomfortable with the praise, even as it gives me a hum of satisfaction because I really do want to be good at this.
“Thanks for that. And for coming over tonight. Your cereal idea was inspired. I haven’t seen her smile that big since she’s been here, and it was the first time I’ve heard her laugh.”
He grins at me, and it lights up his whole face. “I could tell. Hearing it was pretty great.”
“It really was. You were good with her, Jeremy. I’m holding you to the skating thing too, so I hope you were serious about it.”
His face falls so fast I almost think he’s faking it until the sorrow starts rolling off him. He barely moves and he doesn’t say a word, but I can feel it like he’s explaining it to me. His eyes are glued to the couch, so I reach my free hand out and lay it on his cheek, lifting his head until he meets my eyes.
“What made you sad just now?”
He leans into my hand just a little and closes his eyes for a second.
“It’s stupid,” he mutters, shaking his head and opening his eyes.
“I doubt that.”
“No one knows.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“Ems, I think you’re the only one I want to tell my secrets to.”
I squeeze his hand. “You can tell me anything.”
It’s the right thing to say because Jeremy’s whole body relaxes, and he starts talking.
“I haven’t been on the ice since my injury.”
I study him, doing some quick mental calculations.
“So that’s like…”
“Fifteen years. I haven’t set foot on the ice in fifteen years.”
“Is there any particular reason why?” I ask carefully, knowing intuitively he’s never opened up to anyone like this and wanting him to feel like he can keep talking.
“At first, I literally couldn’t. It took more than a year to heal completely from my injury. I tore every ligament in my knee and shattered my kneecap and part of my tibia. Orthopedic trauma surgeons had to piece my leg back together like a puzzle, and the physical therapy was grueling. I knew right from the day of the injury I would never play again.”
He breaks off, his face twisting like just saying the words is physically painful, even all these years later.
“Once I was cleared to do mostly whatever I wanted, within reason, the first thing I wanted to do was put skates on. I loved to skate. Flying around the rink in the cold air was my happiest place, and I wanted to get that back in the worst way. Even though I had retired by that point, all I wanted was to go to the arena, so I did. I took my skates and marched in there like I owned the place because for so many years, I did. Practice was just ending when I got there and as I walked down through the tunnel with skates on my feet for the first time in almost two years, I saw the team. Laughing and joking together like we did at the end of practice. Going through the same rituals. Even my coach yelling at them to shut the fuck up and focus was familiar. Some were guys I played with, and some were new, but it didn’t matter. They were a team, and I wasn’t part of it.”
His voice is heavy with emotion, and he takes a breath, letting it out slowly. I say nothing, giving him the space he needs to collect his thoughts, but I take his free hand in mine, and he holds on tight.
“Hockey saved me when I so badly needed saving. It gave me something to love and a purpose and a family when I had never had one before. When I got injured, my teammates kept in touch for a while, but the season is busy, and the calls and emails tapered off eventually. And standing there, watching the team move on without me? The guys I called my family? It killed me, Ems. I turned around and left the arena, and never went back. Now every time I try to skate, I think about standing in that tunnel alone watching my family move on without me and I can’t make myself step onto the ice.
“But I miss it. I miss it so goddamn much.” He says it in a whisper, barely loud enough for me to hear.
The devastation on Jeremy’s face for the loss of not just a sport, I realize, but the first real family he ever had, has me moving without thinking. Rising up on my knees, I lean forward and wrap my arms around his shoulders, holding on tight. It’s the second hug I’ve given him in as many days, and he reacts the same way. He tugs me closer and circles his arms around my waist, leaning his head against mine. It’s friendship and I’m here for you and you’re not alone . It’s all those things.
And then, it’s more.
Jeremy’s exhale ghosts over my ear, sending chills down my back. It’s part nerves and part arousal at my sudden, sharp awareness of just how close we are, pressed together like this, arms around each other. What was a hug of comfort is suddenly the opposite of that as Jeremy’s fingertips glide along my lower back, brushing the skin where my sweater is riding up. He’s barely even touched me, but my skin burns with heat along the path of his hands.
Then, without warning, he pulls back, one of his hands coming up to push a piece of hair that came loose from my ponytail behind my ear. He trails the backs of his fingers along my jaw before cupping my cheek. His eyes are dark and penetrating, with a vulnerability in them that I’ve seen before. The uncertainty every time he lets a small part of him free. Like he’s showing me his broken parts and asking me to be gentle with them.
I bring my hand up to his cheek, stroking my thumb along his cheekbone, keeping my eyes on his.
“Tell me something true, Jeremy.”
He leans into my hand, closing his eyes for just a second. When he opens them, where there was uncertainty is now determination.
“I want to kiss you, Ems.”