Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Jeremy
“ T hat’s not coffee. It’s candy in liquid form.”
I hear Emma speaking, but none of her words register as I sit at the small table in the hotel lobby, gripping my phone so tightly I’m surprised the screen doesn’t crack. One minute we were bantering about my love of ridiculously sweet coffee and the next minute I glanced down at my phone, only to find another email from the guy claiming to be my brother.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Getting in Touch
Dear Jeremy,
I know I said I would give you all the time you need, and I will, but I guess I just wanted to follow up because, well, I’ve never had a brother before, and if you’re up for it, I would really like to meet you.
All the best,
Brian
My brain moves a thousand miles a minute. I feel so many different emotions at once, but I can’t hang onto any of them. It’s Emma’s hand on mine that gets me out of my head. I tear my eyes from my phone and glance up at her, her gaze calming my racing thoughts just enough to grab the dangling thread of our conversation.
“Sweet coffee is the way to go, Ems. It’s all the caffeine with none of the terrible coffee taste and as a bonus, it’s dessert for breakfast.”
“You don’t have to do that, Jer.”
“Do what?” I play dumb even though I know there’s no way Emma will let that slide.
“Pretend to be okay when you’re not.”
I don’t know what to say to that because she’s right. I’m not okay. I should be. I had the most amazing night of my life with the woman of my wildest dreams. I got to hold her all night and wake up next to her and kiss her before I opened my eyes and fuck her lazily in the dim morning light. It was everything I’ve ever wanted.
But I might have a long-lost brother. He emailed my foundation email which means I saw my work inbox clogged with hundreds of unread emails I’m not the least bit interested in dealing with, and I don’t know what the fuck to do about any of it. For the first time ever, I feel like I want to open up. I want to tell Emma everything. But thinking of having that talk face to face makes me itchy with the need to move.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m a grown man. I should be able to have a conversation with the woman I’ve had feelings for for almost a decade without having a minor panic attack. I should be better than this. I’m old enough to be better than this. Emma deserves better than this.
“Let’s go for that run.”
I look up and Emma is already standing. She holds her hand out to me, a look of such deep understanding on her face that in this moment I think I would actually die for her. Running is when we talk. It’s the time we tell our secrets. It’s our most sacred time and somehow, she gets me well enough to know this is what I need. I put my hand in hers and she leads me out of the hotel onto the streets of downtown Pittsburgh.
Wordlessly, we walk the few blocks down Sixth Street to the part of the Three Rivers Heritage Trail that runs along the Allegheny River. The second we step onto the trail and start to run, the knot in my chest loosens. It’s not Frick Park, but the fall air is crisp, the sky is blue, and Emma is running next to me with her spandex shorts and red ponytail swinging. The familiar sound of our feet hitting the pavement is a balm to my troubled soul. And suddenly, I can’t hold anything in anymore.
“I think I might have a brother,” I blurt out.
Emma whips her head around to stare at me, but amazingly, her strides stay steady.
“What makes you think that?” she asks carefully.
I take a deep breath and let the fall air fill my lungs before letting it out slowly.
“Okay so last month, I got a random email from this guy telling me that he thinks we have the same father. I deleted it, thinking it was some kind of prank or something. Professional athletes get shit like this sometimes. But the thing is, I haven’t been a professional athlete in years. I’m not unknown, but I’m not in the spotlight like I was when I was playing, so it seemed like a weird prank. Like, if it’s about money, why not go find some current player making ten million a year, right? So, it kept nagging at me. And this morning when we were sitting in the lobby, I got another one. Same guy. He wants to meet me.”
Emma dodges a cyclist coming the opposite way on the trail and then glances over at me.
“Are you afraid he is your brother, or are you afraid he isn’t?”
I stare at her for so long I’m shocked I don’t end up tripping and falling on my face.
“Are you sure you’re not a witch?”
She laughs at me, like the fact that she took the conflict that’s been plaguing me for weeks and summarized it perfectly in a single question is so hilarious.
“I’m really not. I just see things.”
“I’ll say,” I mutter.
We lapse into silence as I turn her question around in my head, trying to come up with an answer. Emma reaches out and runs a hand down my arm, linking her pinkie with mine for just a second as we keep running.
“Tell me something true, Jeremy.”
I blow out a breath, my pace speeding up as the answer finally settles in my brain. Emma matches me stride for stride, and our synchronicity is soothing.
“I never knew who my dad was. I mean, I never really knew my mom either, but at least I know she died when I was a toddler and that’s how I ended up in the system. I guess when they went looking for my family, they never found a dad. I always assumed he was one of her dealers or something and never thought too hard about it. But it’s not out of the question that whoever it is had more kids at some point, and I have siblings out there somewhere. I always wished for real siblings. When I was living in foster homes where the family had a bunch of real kids, I always kind of…pretended they were mine too.”
I pause, a little shaken at letting this piece of me out so freely. But I shouldn’t be, I guess. This is Emma. I know she’ll treat my secrets with care.
“Even though I’m all grown up now, I don’t think that part of me has ever totally gone away. I think…I’m afraid he’s not my brother.”
Emma nods, looking at me with an expression of…pride, maybe? I don’t know, but whatever it is has warmth flooding my chest.
“Then you should respond to his email. See what he has to say. And Jeremy?”
Emma grabs my hand and stops running, pulling me over to the side of the trail and turning me to face her. With her chest rising and falling rapidly from the run and her freckled cheeks flushed, I want to hold her to me and never let her go. She takes my other hand and links our fingers together before she speaks.
“If it turns out he’s not your brother, you’re going to be okay. You have Ben, Jordan, and Asher, and Rachel and Steven and the girls. And you have me. We’re your family too and none of us is going anywhere.”
She releases one of my hands and grabs my chin so I can’t look away.
“None of us is going to leave you. Ever, Jeremy. You’re stuck with us for life.”
My eyes stray from hers, discomfort lodging in my throat at the way she so clearly articulates my biggest fear, and I need to change the subject immediately.
“Can we keep running? There’s something else, too.”
“Of course.”
We step back onto the trail, and as soon as we start running again, I give her the other thing on my mind.
“I’m not happy running the foundation anymore.”
Emma looks surprised, which is not an emotion I see on her very often.
“How long have you felt that way?”
I consider her question. “A while, I think. For the first bunch of years, I loved it so much. The work we did, seeing all the kids we helped? I used to be one of those kids. If it wasn’t for a chance run-in with a high school hockey coach at the rink I used to sneak away to after school with an old pair of skates I found in one of my foster homes, I never would have made it as far as I did. Being able to give that to other kids was so fulfilling. I did that during the day and was with Ben at the bar at night, and it really worked for me. But somewhere along the line, I lost that personal connection to the kids. The bigger the foundation got, the more the administrative stuff took over. Now I’m spending my time with meetings and paperwork, and I fucking hate all that stuff.”
Emma listens to me in that quiet way of hers, and the more I talk, the lighter I feel. It’s like this truth became a weight I carried, and I didn’t even realize how heavy it was until I started to shed it, leaving it right on the side of the Allegheny River.
“Starting the sports camps was a way to try and get back to that place again. But they all required more meetings and more fucking paperwork, and now Asher gets to do all the fun stuff while I’m stuck behind a desk approving jersey designs instead of watching the kids who actually wear the jerseys.”
“So make a change.”
I give her a wry grin. “That’s your advice? Just…make a change?”
Emma wipes the sweat off her forehead with the bottom of her long-sleeve T-shirt, giving me a glimpse of pale, creamy skin I want to run my tongue over. I start to get hard in my running shorts.
Christ .
She smirks at me like she knows exactly what’s going through my mind.
“Yep. Make a change. Step down as executive director. Find someone to take over all that admin stuff you hate, and decide where in the foundation you can do the most good. Something that fulfills you and makes you excited to get up in the morning. Be happy, Jeremy. Life’s too fucking short not to be happy. You don’t have to stay in a job you hate. You’re lucky enough to have resources at your disposal. Use them.”
“You really think I could step down as director?”
Emma looks at me like I have ten heads. “Of course you can step down. You started the foundation, but that doesn’t mean you have to run it forever. Did you forget I work with non-profit organizations for a living? Foundations change management all the time. Honestly, I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did. It’s a really hard and often thankless job, and the burnout rate is high.”
“But what would I do instead?” I want to cringe at how stupid I sound, but it literally never occurred to me that I didn’t have to run the foundation I started.
Emma chuckles to herself. “I have a few ideas about that, but I’m going to let you figure it out for yourself.”
“Ems,” I whine. “I’m telling you my biggest truths here. Can’t you just tell me what to do?”
She looks unimpressed. “You told me you’re unhappy in your job. Welcome to being a person in the world. We’re so happy to have you. Take some time, Jeremy. Think about what makes you happy. What you used to love about going to work. Start there, and you’ll figure it out. You can talk to me about it whenever you want. I love hearing you talk, and I always want to help, but this isn’t a decision I can make for you.”
I nod at her, knowing she’s right. She might be all-knowing, but this is something I have to figure out for myself.
“Good. Now, are we about done with this run? I’m thinking we still have a couple of hours before I need to pick up Maddy, and there’s a giant shower in that massive hotel room you booked. I bet there are some…creative ways we can use it.”
Emma tosses me a look filled with heat. The half-chub I’ve been sporting from watching her tits bounce in her sports bra and that swinging red ponytail I want to wrap around my fist immediately becomes a raging hard-on. I stop cold, right in the middle of the trail, narrowly avoiding getting clocked by a woman running with a stroller.
I meet Emma’s look with one of my own.
“I just bet there are, Pretty Girl. You want to go get clean so I can dirty you up again?”
She smirks at me. “Maybe I’ll dirty you up this time. Race you there!”
Then she turns and sprints off in the direction of the hotel, leaving me standing there staring at her ass with my mouth hanging open, a montage of filthy images racing through my head.