Chapter 41
Chapter Forty-One
Emma
Jeremy
Meet me at the trail after Maddy gets on the bus?
Me
I’ll be there. Can’t wait to see your face.
I ’m stupidly relieved when Jeremy texts me just as I’m waking a groggy Maddy up for school and shuffling her downstairs to have breakfast with my equally bleary-eyed friends. Rachel texted me a picture late last night of Jeremy on the couch with Ben, Asher, and Jordan. He was smiling, but it didn’t go all the way to his eyes. I’m hoping I can get it the rest of the way there.
I put Maddy on the bus, sending good vibes to all the teachers who have to deal with classes full of over-sugared, under-slept kids on the day after Halloween, and then I get right in my car.
Jeremy is already there when I pull up to the park. He’s sitting on the low stone wall, his back to me, staring at the entrance to the trail. His shoulders are hunched up and his hands are gripping the stone so tightly his knuckles are white. His body is shaking a little, and I don’t have to see it to know that he’s shaking his leg, the way he does when he’s anxious.
I want to touch every inch of him. Rub his shoulders until they relax and take both of his hands in mine. Kiss his face and tell him over and over that he’s loved and he’s mine and he’ll never have to feel alone again.
Jeremy turns as soon as he hears my car door slam shut. The look on his face is every emotion. It’s happiness and relief and sorrow and defeat. And also love.
God, the love.
It pours out of the deepest depths of him and hits me right in the chest. I freeze where I stand because he’s looking at me like I’m his everything—the answer to every prayer and the solution to every problem. The reason his heart beats and air fills his lungs. I know this because he’s mine, too. I start walking again because suddenly even this small distance from him is too far.
My breaths come easier with every step I take closer to him. With him sitting on the wall and me standing in front of him, we’re face to face. His eyes are tired, black smudges underneath them that speak to a sleepless night. I cup his face, running my thumbs along his cheeks and under his eyes, wanting to erase his fatigue.
“Ems.” His voice is low and tinged with exhaustion and relief. Then he’s wrapping his arms around my waist, tugging me closer to him in a tight hug. I wind my arms around his shoulders, stroking the hair at the nape of his neck. Running my fingers through the silky strands, I absorb his deep sigh and feel his heartbeat against my own.
“I love you,” he whispers in my ear. “I love you so fucking much. Thank you for coming.”
I pull back a little so I can see his face. “I would go anywhere you were. There is nowhere you could be where I wouldn’t come and find you. I love you too.”
Jeremy smiles, and this time it hits his eyes. Then he slides his hands around my neck and brings my mouth to his, kissing me deeply, like we aren’t sitting in a public park in the morning sunshine. He runs his tongue along the seam of my lips until I open for him, sweeping inside to plunder and taste like he wants to memorize every inch of me, swallowing my moan when he nips at my bottom lip, then tilting my head back to take the kiss deeper.
Butterflies swarm my stomach and need for him swamps me. I wonder how it’s possible to have this much in me for another person, and I know he feels the same because when he breaks the kiss, his eyes are a mirror of the feelings swirling in my blood.
Jeremy leans up and presses a kiss to my forehead, taking a deep breath, like he’s breathing me in before he leans back.
“Sit with me?”
“Of course.”
“I brought coffee,” he says, handing me a to-go cup and picking up his own.
I take a grateful sip of my favorite drink. “Thank you so much. The morning after Halloween with a seven-year-old is…something. There is not enough caffeine in the world today.”
I hop up on the wall next to him and turn, swinging my legs up so I can sit cross-legged. He does the same, so we’re facing each other with our knees touching. I reach out and run a finger over the ink on his thigh, grateful for his refusal to wear anything but shorts to run, even when it’s cold outside.
Jeremy looks down at my fingers tracing the ninety-one inked on his leg and smirks at me.
I grin and shrug. “What can I say? I never realized I had a thing for thigh tattoos, but it’s the hottest fucking thing.”
“Current Jeremy is patting past Jeremy on the back for thinking a thigh tattoo was a smart idea.”
“You don’t like it?”
He shrugs and picks up the hand that’s still on his leg, kissing my knuckles. “I felt like a badass when I first got it. I was twenty and thought I was invincible, like I would play forever. Then once I got injured, every time I looked at it, I felt like those stupid hockey sticks were mocking me. Like all I got were three full seasons in the league and now I had to live with the reminder of it for the rest of my life. Like the scars on my knee weren’t enough of one.”
Jeremy lets out a short laugh, a little self-deprecating.
“And now?”
He looks at me curiously. “What do you mean?”
“You were talking in past tense. Do you feel differently about your tattoo now?”
Jeremy stares at me. “Do you think I’ll ever get over how spooky it is that you can read me so well?”
I give him a satisfied smile. “Probably not. The girls never have. What can I say? It’s a gift.”
“Well, as always, you’re right. I do feel differently about it now. It’s new though. Ever since you helped me get back on the ice, it’s like a missing piece of me slotted back into place. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself all these years, grieving my playing days instead of figuring out if there was a way I could keep hockey and skating in my life, even if it looks different than it used to. Skating with you and Maddy, and then all the times I’ve skated in the couple of weeks since, gave me back some of my joy. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing my playing days because, god, I loved it so much. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”
Hearing him talk like this gives me some of that joy too, but there’s one thing he left out. I don’t know if it was on purpose or not, but after the last twenty-four hours, I’m willing to bet it was. He’s avoiding it because talking about that means he has to talk about all the other stuff he would probably rather avoid, but I’m not going to let him. Taking his other hand in mine, I ask the question.
“And what about how you felt about your teammates? You told me part of the reason you hadn’t been back on the ice was because every time you tried, you remembered how you felt when they drifted away from you after your injury. That being back on the ice is a reminder of how you lost your hockey family when you got hurt.”
Jeremy gives me a wry smile. “Why did I think falling in love with a smart lawyer was a good idea?”
I scoff at him. “As if you had any choice.”
His smile turns serious, and he leans forward, kissing my neck while his hands tighten around mine.
“I didn’t have any choice. I saw you at Julie and Ben’s house that first Thanksgiving Julie brought you home all those years ago, and that was it for me. I was too wrapped up in my own shit to realize what it was, but there has never been anyone else for me since that day. It was always supposed to be you. I’m sorry it took so long. I can’t help but feel like we missed out on so much time.”
My heart squeezes at his words and I shake my head. “We didn’t miss out on anything. We’re right where we need to be.”
This time I kiss his hand, needing the connection. Then I give him a don’t fuck with me look.
“Sweet words aren’t going to get you out of talking about the hard stuff, pal of mine. So, talk.”
Jeremy blows out a breath. “If you’re asking me whether I think about my teammates every time I step out onto the ice, the answer is yes. The same way you and the guys and Rachel and Steven can all tell me a million times that you’ll never walk away, and it will still be hard for me to trust it, to believe that I’m enough to keep people around when for most of my life, all evidence was to the contrary.”
His words are heartbreaking, but I feel a tidal wave of relief at the matter-of-fact way he’s talking about it. His understanding that we mean what we say, even though it’s hard for him to trust it, feels ground-breaking.
“I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear it. So will everyone else. How can we make you believe it?”
The look in Jeremy’s eyes is earnest and intense when he speaks. “It’s not your job to make me believe it. Not yours or anyone else’s. It’s mine and only mine.”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Rachel gave me the name of a therapist. One who specializes in what I’ve been through. The therapist calls it childhood trauma. I already called her this morning and made an appointment. She wants to see me twice a week for a while. She says she can help me.”
“And how do you feel about that?” I ask carefully.
“Relieved,” he says quickly. “I feel really fucking relieved. I’ve carried all of this for so long, and learning about my father was the last straw. Rock bottom, or something like that. I don’t want to be this person. The one who doesn’t trust that love is honest. I want to give everything to the people I love and trust that they mean it when they give it to me.”
He winds his fingers around mine, pulling them to rest in his lap.
“I want to give you everything. I want to love you and be there for you for the rest of my days. You and Maddy. You both are everything to me, and I don’t want you to think you have to constantly reassure me that your love is real. That’s not fair to you, and it’s not the life I want for us. I want so much more for us than that. I want to show Maddy that the people who love you stick by you and that love is forever. I want to go to sleep with you at night and wake up with you in the morning, and have a cabinet full of cereal, and make sure you always have a drawer full of M&M’s. I want us to run on our trail, and I want to teach Maddy how to cook more things and show her how to make a perfect wrist shot. I want to kiss you and touch you and fuck you every damn day because when you’re around, I can’t keep my hands off of you, and I literally dream about the next time I can be inside you.”
I know my face is turning red at the same time, my eyes are blurring with tears. I didn’t know love could feel like this—so enormous and all-consuming, and at the same time, leaving room to grow. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don’t love Jeremy more than I did the day before. I doubt it.
A tear escapes from my eye, and Jeremy leans forward and kisses it away.
“I want to make a life with you because Ems, you are my home, and I’ve never really had one of those before you. And I think…”
Jeremy breaks off, looking down at our joined hands and back up to me.
“Having someone to talk to is going to help me give all of that to you. To us. I want us to be the best we can be, and for that to happen, I need to be the best I can be.”
“I’m proud of you, Jeremy. So fucking proud of you.”
“You don’t think it’s ridiculous that I haven’t done this before? I’m thirty-seven years old. I probably should have handled my shit a long time ago. Long before I learned I had a father out there who wanted nothing to do with me and a brother who definitely does.”
I shrug, playing with Jeremy’s fingers. “I don’t think there is such a thing as the right time. The right time is whenever you do the thing, and you’re doing it now. What about your brother?” I ask carefully. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He nods. “I do. Last night when everyone was at my house, they asked me what was going to happen next, and I didn’t want to talk to them about it yet. Not before I talked to you first.”
I smile at that, so happy to be his person because he is absolutely, undoubtedly mine.
“So, talk to me, Jer. What happens next?”
He shifts a little, giving me a heated look.
“What?”
“Every time you call me Jer, I get a flashback to the hotel shower and, well,” he gestures down at where his erection is tenting his shorts. I snort out a laugh, then lean over so I can speak into his ear, dropping my voice low and running a single finger over his hard cock.
“Tell me everything and I’ll give you a reward. Maybe even a little replay of the shower. Now that I know how much you like ass play, the possibilities are really endless.”
“Fuck.” Jeremy shifts again, reaching down to adjust himself. “Can’t we just go do it now? We can talk later.”
I lean back, giving him a bright smile. “Nope. Be a good boy and tell me what comes next.”
“Gooddamnit, Ems,” he mutters. “You can’t call me that out here.” Jeremy’s cheeks are tinged a little pink, and it delights me. Who would have thought the cocky former athlete who is a god in bed would have a touch of the submissive in him?
“Sorry.”
Not sorry at all .
“Just wanted to see what would happen. It was better than I ever could have imagined. I’m done now. Tell me.”
Jeremy turns to look out onto the trail. The place that was his and mine but has now become ours.
“I want to reach out to Brian. My…brother.” He stumbles a little over the word brother like it feels unfamiliar in his mouth.
“I left the house in a hurry yesterday, and I don’t think I was very nice to him when I did.”
“You were in shock. Your brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders.”
“I know, but even so. He didn’t deserve that. He also found out his dad wasn’t the person he thought he was, and his mom died a few months ago. He seemed lonely too. And angry. I think…” He trails off, lost in thought.
“I think maybe I’d like to try and get to know him. I’ve never had a real family before. Blood family,” he corrects himself, surely thinking of the reaming I’m sure Rachel gave him last night about how this family isn’t any less real because we aren’t blood related. Rachel didn’t tell me what they talked about, but I know her well enough to know that’s how the conversation went. I was counting on it when I called her.
“I think that sounds like a good idea. You can go at your own pace. There’s no rush here. You know everyone will want to get to know him too. If you want that. If he’s yours, he’s ours too.”
“I know,” he says, even though I can still see the hint of uncertainty in his eyes. “There’s something else too.”
“Give it all to me.”
“This isn’t related, and I figured it out before I went to Maryland, but I’m stepping down from the foundation. Soon, I think. At least, as soon as the board can name someone to replace me.”
“And have you decided what you want to do instead?”
He nods. “I want to take over the hockey camps. The teams, the clinics, all of it. John’s leaving at the end of the year and they need a replacement anyway. I want it to be me.”
I keep my expression neutral, but inside I’m a joyful, jumping mess of I told you so . I don’t say anything though, because I sense there’s more here.
“It’s not just the hockey part I want. I want to work with Asher.” He grins a little. “I guess technically he’ll be my boss because he’s in charge of all the camps, but I just want to work with my friend. And I want to spend more time at the bar with Ben. I don’t want to be the big boss anymore. It sucks and I hate it. I just want to work with my friends and do things I love. I’m fortunate to have the freedom to do whatever I want, and what I want is this.”
He looks at me expectantly, like he’s waiting for my opinion.
“You don’t need my permission to do something that makes you happy, but if you’re asking for my opinion, I think it sounds perfect.”
He lets out a relieved breath. “Okay good, because no more running the foundation also means more time for you. For Maddy.”
A broad smile spreads across his face. “I’m going to teach her how to play hockey. She already told me she wants to be on the team next year. Girls’ hockey is on the rise, and she’s fearless on the ice. She’ll be such a badass player.”
Jeremy’s joy is palpable, and I love him with my whole entire chest. He reaches over and grabs me around the waist, hauling me into his lap and wrapping his arms around me. When I lay my head on his shoulder, we let out twin sighs, like we are both right where we need to be. Together.
“I asked you to meet me here so we could run since we always talk the best when we’re on the trails. But I think we talked fine right here, and I don’t feel much like running. Want to take a walk instead?”
I lift my head to look at him, giving him a wicked grin.
“I have a better idea.”
Unwrapping myself from him, I hop off the wall and reach out a hand for his.
“Come on. I’ll drive.”