Astor Hill

Chapter 26

26

Ben

Wednesday mornings, and by extension Wednesdays themselves, are unreasonable. We’re expected to be in the weight room by 5:30 in the morning, only to condition on the, thankfully, indoor track an hour later. This is in addition to the normal practice we have in the afternoon. So the fact that Grant and I barely speak a word to each other until we’re halfway through our fourth set of the morning isn’t wild. What is wild is the haggard look on Grant’s face. He’s not a morning person, but the tortured expression I see every time I sneak a glimpse at him is haunting considering he’s usually so… okay.

I can’t say I look much better. I was happy walking into the gym this morning after leaving Olivia’s, walking on air even, but one look at Will and my mood immediately deteriorated. The past few weeks with Olivia have been some of the best of my life, but seeing Will across the weight room is like a sucker punch to the gut. I feel like my entire life is tangled in this web of lies, from hiding the truth about how I know Lily, to keeping my relationship with Olivia from Will. Seeing my brother is an ugly reminder of the mess we’ve both created. I feel that familiar sensation in my chest, the one that's been missing the past few weeks with Olivia. My heart rate feels jumpy as I keep pushing myself harder on the rower, trying to focus on a point on the wall to bring myself back to reality.

I wish I could tell him I don’t know when it happened. When she became this agonizingly, desperately integral part of my life, but that would be a lie, wouldn’t it? She’s consumed my every thought since the second I laid eyes on her. I’ve been pushing away this feeling ever since I saw Will that Christmas. He was alive for the first time after all the shit that transpired after Lily’s death, not the Will I knew but not a ghost of himself either. I was relieved, initially, but when he told us about Olivia, I felt something settle inside me— this weight that I’ve carried every day since. I decided, that day, that this is how she would get to be a part of my life. My parents on the other hand were not relieved, in fact quite the opposite. Olivia was Lily’s best friend and if you polled my mother and Will’s dad, it was disturbing and just wouldn’t do; not after all they’d done to ignore Will’s “association” with “that girl.”

That’s what Lily was to my parents, but that’s not who she was to Will. If you’d asked me who Lily was to Will that summer, I would’ve told you that she was everything. So putting my feelings aside for a girl I saw once at a party seemed like a no-brainer. I took the words of my therapist and ran with them. Olivia was my fixation, something I equated to a perfect life, impossible to achieve.

I knew that night in the bar, after watching Olivia, the stunning, confident, mind boggling woman become this wilted version of herself— I knew I should tell her. I needed to tell her.

Looking at my little brother, I know why I haven’t. He’s the reason I’ve kept my mouth shut. It’s hard to reconcile how I see him with how the world does, this arrogant asshole who betrays the woman he apparently loves with the boy I grew up with who just wanted to have a moment of his dad’s attention that didn’t center around his success at throwing a ball in a basket. Still, there’s this shadow looming and I think allowing Will to continue this lie has ended up hurting him more than helping him.

It’s time to move on. Coach’s voice wrenches me from my thoughts.

“Chapman, Cabot. Weights, now.” Will moves to the machines with a clenched jaw. I feel the panic pick back up in my chest and I count the steps to the weight rack. It was inevitable, having to talk to Will today, and yet the nerves in my chest erupt. I know we need to talk. I need to convince him to tell Olivia the truth. I bite down my emotions, forcing myself to start the conversation.

“I’ll take the forty-fives.” Will's voice is flat as he gestures to the plates on the rack beside me. I pull them off, putting them on the machine for Will.

“Recovery day, huh?” He looks up at me, his eyes cold before diverting his gaze back to the wall. “How have you been?” I don’t have to fake the emotion when I ask because I am genuinely concerned. I’ve heard he's been drinking a lot and sleeping around, which I sort of expected. What I didn’t expect was to see Will show up to practice looking like a shell of himself, the way he did when Lily died. His jaw twitches as he begins his set.

I roll my lips together knowing the small talk isn’t going to get us anywhere so I blurt it out.

“I think you should tell her.”

Will freezes mid rep, his eyes moving to mine. His voice is a raspy whisper like he hasn’t spoken all morning.

“Ben, stop.”

I feel my own jaw clench. I have allowed him to continue this lie for years, watching as he pushed his grief over Lily to the side, trying to mask it with the dysfunctional relationship he had with Liv. Still, that hint of desperation in his voice, his eyes begging— it’s enough to give me pause.

“How long are you going to keep going like this?” I keep my voice low and even.

“Why do you even care?” he asks, meeting my question with his own. I feel the look I’m giving him before I have time to conceal it and I see the shift in his gaze. “So it is true, isn’t it?” His sneer is evident, his quiet tone lethal. “I should have believed Gen, but I thought it was just another ploy for her to get in my pants.”

“Fuck this,” escapes Grant’s mouth and we hear it from across the weight room.

The heavy kettlebell slams into the gym floor with a loud thunk as his hulking form grabs a towel off the bench beside him roughly rubbing the sweat of his face. The whole gym takes on this eerie silence. I notice Will’s not even glancing Grant’s way. His eyes analyzing me, expression full of disappointment as he scans my face for any sign that the rumors he’s been hearing about Olivia and I aren’t true. He shakes his head, his posture drooping as he drops the handles of the machine and grabs his duffle. A few feet away, Grant marches out of the gym doors and the slam as they swing shut reverberates through the gym. The noise is so loud that no one notices Will slip out the opposite side of the gym, pulling the hood of his jacket over his head.

“Woah, everything good with your boys, Cabot?” Andrew asks from his treadmill, slowing to a snail's pace. I grab my gym bag off the floor beside me, looking after where Will snuck out before ultimately deciding to follow Grant.

“Mind your business and get that speed back up, second string,” I bark at him. He grumbles under his breath and I hardly make it out as I exit.

Grant’s sitting on a bench across from the gym, head buried in his phone. He barely notices me as I approach.

“Can I sit?” I ask.

I’ve only seen Grant lose his cool once. It was at a game where a few of the guys on the opposing team were making pretty disgusting remarks about our school's cheer team members. Grant had two of their guys pinned against a wall before I could stop dribbling the ball.

Grant sighs. “Yeah… sorry about that. I just…” he trails off, rubbing his hand roughly over his face. I look at him waiting for him to finish and he finally meets my eyes, his eyes widen.

“Bro— you look like shit.”

He cracks a smile and I laugh because he’s right, I do look like shit. I've slept at Olivia’s the past two nights and haven’t gotten more than a few hours of sleep, but I’m definitely not complaining. Grant definitely looks worse off, if I’m being honest. His hair is mussed, but not in the intentional way it usually is, and he has bags under his eyes.

“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I say as a joke and Grant gives a sad “ha!” in response. His eyes go back to his phone. “Hey— you good man?” My tone is cautious.

“Yeah…” He pockets his phone and takes a deep breath.“Just… family stuff.”

I smirk, trying to bring levity to the conversation. “I can relate to you there.”

“For fucks sake, please don’t talk to me about Will right now.” His voice takes on a loud frustrated tone and he glances at me, clenching his fists. I’m not necessarily taken aback by his comment but the tone of his voice is out of the ordinary for Grant. Seeming to realize how aggressive he’s coming off, he takes a deep breath and clears his throat.

“Look—” he says, shutting his eyes like he’s trying to calm himself down. “I know you see Will in a different light than the rest of us, which is good because everyone deserves to have someone think they are a good person. I just can’t watch him stomp all over….” he pauses, seeming to reconsider what he’s going to say. “I can’t watch him treat Olivia and others the way he does. Someone needs to stop him.” He’s staring straight forward glaring at the gym doors like he can see my brother through them. “I need to go,” he says, standing and shoving his phone into his pocket.

Then I’m there alone, thinking about Grant and everyone who's been hurt by my brother and all the ways I could’ve stopped the hurt from happening, if I just hadn’t left. If I just stayed and protected him and made sure he was in an okay head space. I mean Jesus Christ, the love of his life just died and I left him. I couldn’t deal with this place anymore, this person who everyone wanted me to be. Even if I were here, would I have been what he needed? Was anyone what he needed?

My breathing feels strained the way it used to when I would get overwhelmed. I think of Will’s stoic gaze in the gym today and all the ways I continue to hurt him, betray him. My heart begins to beat in overdrive. I clench my chest as tears prick my eyes. My throat feels dry and thick and I can’t get air.

That night flashes in my head. Red solo cups littered across the lawn, Grant manning the bar for the team, the head of blonde curls following my brother into the room off the kitchen, and Olivia. Chestnut hair, black leather blazer, amber eyes, Olivia, her smile that seemed to radiate through the party, a whisper between the cheer squad.

“Did you see her talking to Ian. She’s only a freshman.”

Olivia biting her lip looking at Will, holding her friend's hand. Olivia.

Sweat drips down my back. I want to stop thinking about this but my vision is tunneling and all I see is her face against the backdrop of that party. The freckles sprinkled across the bridge of her nose, the fanning of her dark lashes. More whispers.

“She’s so pretty.”

“Did you see her talking to Will?”

She’s there, her eyes are searching. I know what’s coming next. It's always the final stop in this memory. Lily breaking Will’s heart, my fist near his face.

Olivia. And there he is. Beside her.