Astor Hill

Chapter 28

28

Ben

I tap my pencil against my notebook trying to focus, but I keep glancing at my phone waiting for the next text from Olivia. I can’t get her out of my head and I’ve been with her almost every free moment we both have.

My phone begins to ring and I quickly grab it, my heart sinking when I check the caller ID.

My mom has been calling more this week than any other since I’ve been back at Astor, but I’ve been letting it roll to voicemail. I pretend it's because I’ve been too busy spending time with Olivia. I already know mom’s head is going to explode when I tell her. She didn’t even like when Will was dating Olivia and that was just because she knew she was Lily’s friend. I can’t imagine what she’s going to say to me when she finds out.

I know these calls aren’t about me, though. They’re about Will. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have received my first missed call from Dan in the past two years. So I keep letting the voicemails roll in, trying to avoid the inevitable, I guess.

I get the notification that a few minutes later that my voicemail box is full. I decide I better at least delete a few and that I can’t keep avoiding my mom, so I listen to the most recent message.

“Ben, please call us back. I know the past few years have been a lot and I know we put a lot of pressure on you, but we are worried about Will. Wilson called and he said he’s thinking of leaving the team… I know he has his ups and downs, but it never conflicts with basketball . ”

She emphasizes the word as if it’s the most important thing in the world. I feel my jaw tense. She’s right to be worried. Even the year we both had mono we didn’t miss a single practice.

“It’s just so unusual for him. Even that girl didn’t have this effect.” I cringe at the way she refers to Lily. “We tried sending Marie to his apartment for a wellness check, but she said he wasn’t there. Your father is thinking of flying down.” I hear Dan say in the background, “Tell Ben if that’s necessary, he can kiss his tuition goodbye. I don’t have time for their dramatics.”

I hear my mom mumble an apology to my step father and I immediately regret not playing my role as the perfect big brother. I hear my mom shuffle to what I assume is a different room of the house and shut the door quietly.

“Ben, I know this is not easy for any of us, but especially you. We love you honey. Please, if you hear from your brother at all just let us know if he’s alright. Alright, talk soon, love you.” The beep at the end of the line signals the voicemail is over.

Just as I go to delete it and move on to the next one there’s a sharp rap at the door. My heart somersaults at the idea that it’s Olivia surprising me. I chuckle at myself as I rush to stand, fully aware of how quickly my mood changed just at the thought that it could be her. The perfect band aid to the headspace my mom just put me in. I throw a shirt on, walking down the hallway that leads from my room to the front door. I peek out the peephole only to see a mass slouched against the wall, and the image of what is clearly not Olivia, makes my stomach sink. The person’s silhouette is fuzzy until finally the body adjusts and I recognize who it is.

Will .

I immediately open the door. His clothes are wrinkled and his eyes look hollow as if he hasn’t slept or even been home in days. No wonder Marie hadn’t seen him. He’s slunk against the door jam, and it’s extremely clear he’s drunk and not in the way he usually is. Not the one that makes him a cocky asshole or giddy like a child— no, he’s drunk the way he was that first day after Lily died.

“Ben… I,” his voice is hoarse. I grab him by the collar and bring him in for a rough hug. Will embraces me as if he’s needed this hug for a while, a hug without any strings. I feel him let out a long shaky breath. Will sniffs, trying to regain his composure but failing as the tears continue to silently fall down his face.

“Let’s sit down, bud. I’ll make you some coffee.” I steer him toward the kitchen, his body which usually isn’t obviously smaller than mine seeming wimpy and weak in comparison. Every centimeter of him seems to sag, as if whatever is going on with him is weighing down his very aura. His hair is greasy and unbrushed, the stubble on his face hitting that middle ground between five o'clock shadow and a beard, making him look unkempt.

I flip the coffee maker on as Will sits at the kitchen table beside me, his head in his hands. My stomach turns. Is his breakup with Olivia really affecting him this much? Did I cause this? The feeling that whatever is going on with him is unequivocally my fault hits me with such force it’s hard for me to form words.

“I miss her Ben.” It comes so quietly I almost miss it in the shame spiral I’ve found myself in. Will's head is still in his hands and the words come out muffled.

The coffee finishes brewing and I fish some mugs from the upper shelf beside the fridge. I set one down in front of Will and pour one for myself before taking a seat at the table across from him. My mind is reeling with the fact that I have really crushed my brother.

“Have you tried reaching out to her?” I hear myself answer, focusing on my coffee cup, trying to school my shaky tone into one that is calm and unobtrusive. Will's face goes blank at that and I move closer placing a firm hand on his shoulder.

“This is so fucked, Ben,” he says, his jaw clenched as he shakes his head as if in disbelief, his eyes fixed at the black coffee sitting before him. “She’s never coming back.” He says it to himself, his voice hollow and breaking. My fingers clench and I feel my own eyes begin to water. He’s talking about Lily. “Have you talked to Mom?” His tone is empty now, cold and void of all emotion.

I clear my throat trying to shake the emotion from my voice. “She’s called… but no, I haven’t spoken to her.”

Will’s relationship with our mother is different from mine. Where I feel closeness with the woman who raised us, there is a distance between the two of them. After Will’s birth, our mother dealt with a depression so deep it seemed to hinder her from forming a relationship with my brother, and as I’ve grown older it’s apparent how this has affected him. She has seemed to guard herself by letting Dan take the charge in Will’s upbringing. Her constant anxiety about him at one point caused her to lean on me for incessant updates on everything, from his well being to his current emotional state.

“Can you tell her I’m fine if she calls again?” Will asks, eyes unwavering and empty as he grips the side of his mug.

“Will, you’re—” before I can finish Will cuts me off, his tone biting.

“Ben, I can’t talk to them right now. If dad comes here, if he talks about Lily, if I have to hear him call her ‘that girl’— I’ll fucking lose it.” He slams his fist against the table, causing coffee to slosh out of his cup. His anger reverberating through the kitchen.

I think about how my mom spoke about Lily earlier, and I don’t necessarily blame either of my parents for the lack of understanding when it came to her. To them it was a summer fling, a two month romance that wasn’t going anywhere. What they seemed to not realize was that Will’s love of Lily could only be compared to his love of basketball. It was so all consuming, it verged on unhealthy, and when he started dating Olivia my parents wanted nothing to do with it. They couldn’t wrap their heads around how a few months with Lily could cause such deep seated emotions in him. My mom thought he had gone off the deep end, finding out he was dating his dead ex-girlfriend's best friend. Dan on the other hand thought it was funny. He said Will was obviously fine based on his winning streak on the team and the Rookie of the Year award he got the year after Lily’s death.

“I just don’t know what to do…” Will slouches into his chair and puts his face into his hands. I haven't seen my little brother so defeated in years. Typically he guards any real emotions behind this cultivated mask he puts on for the world. Right now, he seems like a shell of himself. “Ben, I can’t keep living like this. Numb, like I feel nothing. I’ve been hiding from what happened to Lily for so long and now that Olivia ended things…” He closes his eyes, rubbing his temples.

“Will—”

“Ben— don’t.” I close my mouth at his interruption, letting him speak. “I know what you’re going to say so you don’t need to say it. I know I have been avoiding the whole Lily thing, I know I need to tell Liv, I know that I’m fucked in the head because of this entire situation.”

I sigh, trying to figure out how to find a way to phrase my words that won't escalate this conversation, because he’s not exactly wrong. I turn my chair slightly to face him.

“Will, I love you. I know you have good intentions, but the lies?—”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Ben— you lied, too.” He pushes up out of the seat and moves toward the sink, holding his coffee cup.

I blink, a little shocked. “I only lied to Olivia because I wanted to give you a chance to figure things out yourself. I wanted to let you do the right thing.”

Will shakes his head laughing slightly, setting his coffee cup carefully on the counter, turning to face me. “I’m not talking about you lying to Liv. I’m talking about you lying to me.”

My stomach sinks because I know he’s right. That what I did was wrong. Even if I believe that Will and Olivia weren’t meant to be together, I still was the one who came in and fucked everything up.

“Ben,” he rubs his hand over his face in an effort to calm down. “You always do this.”

“Always do what?” I scan his face trying to understand what he’s talking about.

“You come in and you take and you take and you take. I’ve never had anything that was mine, you know that? I have nothing left to give Ben, you took it all. My girl, my game, hell even my dad respects you more than he’s ever respected me. Mom won’t even look at me!”

It’s surprising, how I’ve never really seen it this way but looking back, I know he’s right. He’s always been on the back burner, always in second place and I put him there. It was so drilled into us as kids to never let anyone win, even each other. So much so that I never threw him a bone. Any scrimmage we played, I never let him take an easy shot. I never let him get with a girl without letting him know how easily I could take her. Hell, I even held my relationship with my mom over his head, checking up on him because she couldn’t do it herself.

My stomach churns at the memories. I breathe in a steady breath knowing that I’ve changed, knowing that I’m not that guy anymore. But actions speak louder than words and thus far my actions show how little I’ve actually evolved. He sits back down, arms crossed as he waits for me to respond.

“I’m sorry,” my voice is shaky as I meet his gaze. I feel the edges of my eyes burn with tears, my face hot with shame and embarrassment. “Will, I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I know how it used to be and I really worked to change, even if my actions don’t reflect that.” I say more to myself than him. “When I came back I didn’t think about how my return would affect you and that was wrong.”

“No, Ben— “ his tone is serious, solemn even. “When you left you didn’t think about how it would affect me. Didn’t consider that I would be alone here with just Dan in my ear after Lily’s death, begging me to show him that I’m just the failure he’s always known I was.” His eyes cloud with frustration and pain. He pushes his hand through his hair and takes a long drink of his coffee. Setting his mug down gingerly, he meets my eyes. “You left me, Ben. Just like mom. Just like Lily. Olivia never left me, she saw me and she stayed. That was, until you got here.”

It feels like he just jabbed me. The revelation of how my departure hurt Will never really struck me before. My stomach immediately sinks. He’s right. Everything he’s saying is right and I’ve been too selfish to see it. Too obsessed with fixing my own issues to see the hand he’s been dealt.

“I don’t blame her,” he continues. “It was only a matter of time. I keep thinking of that night.” A sad laugh escapes him. “The night Lily died was also the night I met Liv. You were there.” He shakes his head sadly as if trying to forget the memory.

“I remember,” I say, my voice gentle.

“Do you remember telling me to stay away from her?”

I meet his eyes. His gaze isn’t angry, but like he’s searching for an answer. “I do.”

His expression turns to something like understanding.

“Ben, I know you are in love with her. It’s obvious. I think I knew it that night.” He lets out a sad laugh. “What’s weird is I’m not even mad. I think I knew it would hurt you, if I had her first. I knew it would hurt Lily, too.” I move my eyes down to the floor not knowing where to look. He’s sitting in one of the kitchen chairs and I finally decide to look at him. He seems to have calmed down, his emotions waning to the point that he looks exhausted.

“I’m so sorry, Will.” His gaze meets mine and we stare at each other for a minute before he lets out a long sad sigh.

“Ben, I was going to destroy everything. Olivia, our parents, myself, everything. Eventually, I would have done something to make her leave. To make everyone turn their back on me. I never loved Olivia the way I did Lily. She just… I don’t know… she made me feel safe?” He’s looking at his hands now with a sad smile. “I think I need to leave Astor, Ben. I can’t keep doing this. Living this lie, hurting the people I love.” He says the last part quietly and I feel the tears well up in my own eyes as I look at my little brother. It’s hard to fault a man who was never shown love for not giving it greatly. “I haven’t been good to her, Ben. I do it to Gen, too and she’s been our friend for as long as I can remember. I can’t stop myself from pushing people away, but I want to try. I can’t keep living like this.” He looks at me, desperation apparent in his eyes.

I wipe the tears now streaming down my own face. “Will, I’m here for you. What do you need?”

“We need to tell her, Ben. I need to have a clean slate to come back to and I can’t if Olivia doesn’t know everything.”

I nod and for the first time in a while, I feel something like hope.