Astor Hill

Chapter 30

30

Olivia

Ben’s fingers brush the skin underneath the hem of my shirt, his lips whispering ? —

My eyes fly open, the skin dream-Ben was touching feeling cold, and I’m reminded that he’s not actually here with me and never will be. He made sure of that when he hid his past life from me.

“Olivi-uuuuuuhhhhhh,” an unfortunately familiar voice repeats, and I’m suddenly aware of the late autumn sun beating on my face. I blink back into my awareness, surprised to find Genevieve Dupont staring nervously at my face. My hand flies to my eyes, my brow, my chin, my cheek, but I feel nothing.

“What?” I snap, groggily, reaching for my laptop so that I can stuff it into my bag. I came out to the quad so that I wouldn’t fall asleep as I researched in the library, but I guess the sleep deprivation finally won over.

I’ve laid in bed rather than answer any of Ian’s calls over the past week, but I haven’t been sleeping. I either replay my time with Ben, these years with Will, or the last few months with Lily over and over again. Because of this, deep, restful sleep has eluded me as of late. This spontaneous nap on the lawn was definitely not planned, considering I can already feel a burn across the bridge of my nose due to my lack of sunscreen.

“Do you usually take naps on the lawn?” Gen quips, her delicate nose crinkled in tempered disgust. Her usual sneer is nowhere to be found, and I feel my brows furrow in confusion.

Clearing my throat I grab my bag and stand, squinting as the setting sun begins to invade my field of vision. My eyes focus on Gen, her lithe frame contorted in apprehension. Her arms are crossed across her chest, her mini skirt-clad legs crossed at the calves, cheeks sucked in— the air around us suddenly feels thick with unease.

“What do you want, Genevieve?” I ask disinterestedly, feeling my heart thud heavily in my chest. Did Ben ask her to talk to me? Did Will? I ask myself, willing my heart to stop clamoring. “Come to tell me something I don’t want to know?” I ask, bitterness coating my throat.

Rolling her eyes Gen moves toward me, looping one willowy arm around mine. “No. I’ve come to talk . Let’s walk,” she commands, pulling me up and leading us toward the entrance of the campus gardens. I tug myself in the opposite direction, but she only continues toward the garden, me in tow. “Maybe if you didn’t treat me like an invasive species, we wouldn’t have to do this,” she murmurs, mostly to herself, but I hear her all the same. Maybe if she didn’t act like one, the treatment wouldn’t be necessary.

Taking in her profile, I consider, for only the second time, that Genevieve Dupont is beautiful. The usual harshness of her face, accentuated by the disdainful sneer she typically wears in my presence, is nowhere to be found. What is left is still the making of a queen, brilliant in the way a diamond might be. Fierce, deep brown curls frame her face in a way that seems to coax you into looking into her eyes, eyes that, I’m realizing, are ablaze. The soft brown twines with a melted gold when the sun hits her. There’s even some deep green flecked in. Her legs are long and her golden brown skin seems to accentuate her lithe frame. I blink rapidly, attempting to shake off this new perception. She’s still Gen, gorgeous or not. The girl who’s wedged herself between Will and I at every turn. Will . The trance wears off as soon as I remember why, most likely, we’re having a talk to begin with.

“Gen, I truly have no interest in speaking to you… ever. It’s strange you haven’t realized that yet,” I taunt, shaking her arm off me. We’ve reached a secluded part of the gardens, directly off the Botany Department’s small brick building. Ivy winds its way up the four arches that surround us. The massive magnolia trees have started to yellow, the leaves beginning to litter the floor beneath us. Gen moves to sit on a bench, shooting me a pointed look rather than responding to my barb. She takes a deep breath, looking to the sky before resting her gaze back on me.

“Olivia, please. Can we just get over whatever this is?”

“Whatever what is?” She gestures between us. “Oh, you mean the past few years where you’ve blatantly disrespected me and attempted to steal my boyfriend?” I cross my arms and Gen rolls her eyes dramatically, finally plopping down on the bench beside us.

“Well, look how well that's worked out for me.” She stretches out her arms looking around as if to ask if I see Will anywhere. “Look, I know we’ve had our… issues, but I really am trying to turn over a new leaf. Besides I think things have worked out rather well for you,” she says pointedly, eyeing me. I scrunch my brows together trying to gauge exactly how much she knows.

“Don’t look so surprised Liv, everyone knows. It’s not like you and Ben were discreet.”

I finally give in, sitting next to her on the bench, leaving about a foot between us. “If this is about Will, I don’t want to hear it.”

“Yes, you do,” she says, turning to face me fully. “Because it’s also about Lily.”

My stomach lurches at the mention of her name, and I feel myself contort in confusion.

“I’ve been selectively dishonest with you, and I’m trying to fix that,” she says, almost begrudgingly.

“Why?” I squint in suspicion. I may not be a good person, but I suspect Gen is worse.

“Oh my god, Liv. Can’t you just let me atone?” she snaps, irritated, before cocking her head in surrender. “I know you saw me on Halloween and yet, you didn’t say anything.” She purses her lips, tilting her head as if thinking something over. “I want to be someone he deserves.” She looks at me and, for not the first time, I feel like I’m seeing another side of her, one I don’t think many even know exists.

I roll my lips together ultimately deciding to trust her. “Alright, tell me.”

“I want to tell you how I knew Lily… and Will.”

I blink, confused. Because I know how they all knew each other.

“I didn’t meet her at orientation. And Will didn’t meet her at that party…” she trails off, clearly second guessing her decision to tell me this by the way she avoids my eye contact. “Will and I met her in June. At a party… in the Hamptons.”

I shake my head, not comprehending. “We never met you guys at a party that summer.” My mind instantly goes to Ben and the secret he’s been keeping from me all this time. “I would’ve recognized you at school.”

“You weren’t at the party, Liv… it was just Lily,” she clarifies, nervously. Her usual sneer is still nowhere to be found, and I know she's not lying.

Still, this doesn’t make any sense to me. Lily and I spent the entire summer before college together, even forgoing our usual, separate, family vacations. We were inseparable, just like we always had been.

Except when we weren’t .

I bat the thought away. Lily was my best friend. Maybe she had been more aloof that summer, maybe she had snuck back into my room or hers at bizarre hours of the night… but we were growing up. It was time we had a little separateness as we grew out of teenage hood and into adulthood.

“My mom thinks it's good for us to spend some time apart every now and then. We can’t be attached like this at Astor… we’re maturing, Livy. Don’t be weird,” she’d assured me when I asked her if something was wrong.

It was the third time I’d caught her tiptoeing back into my room at 3 a.m.. I didn’t mention it when it happened the fourth time, or the fifth… I stopped keeping track. Because this was a normal part of growing up. We could both do our own thing every once in a while. I didn’t think she would have an entire secret relationship behind my back. My mind circles back to the memory of her saying she was going to a beach bonfire to dump someone. Was that someone Ben?

I find it hard to believe that Lily would have met Will or Gen that summer and not told me about it. How had Will not have mentioned it at any point in the past two years? How would he have gotten away with lying to me over and over again our entire relationship? It just doesn’t make sense. Like she senses my spiral, Gen interrupts my internal reflection.

“She asked me not to say anything when I met you. And then I swear, I wanted to say something when you and Will got together, but he begged me not to, so I?—”

“Well, we know how you get when Will begs,” I cynically retort, attempting to disguise a feeling I haven’t felt since Lily passed. The feeling of being the last one to know; that feeling when you start to guess you might be the butt of the joke.

Gen flinches, clearly hurt. “Olivia, I know you can’t possibly understand what it is like to pine for someone you will never have, what it’s like to sit by while your childhood friend chooses everyone but you, but know this: I am actually sorry. I’m trying to be,” she pauses, searching for the right word, “better.”

“Well, he’s fair game now, Gen.”

“As if that matters,” she replies almost to herself, and her sadness outpaces mine. “He doesn’t want me, Olivia. He never has.”

And I actually pity her right now, because I do know what it is like to pine over someone I will never have. But at least he wants me. That might be worse. Thinking of Ben reminds me that Lily probably met Ben through them that summer, or vice versa, but it makes little sense because Will and Ben aren’t particularly close. I’m realizing I don’t know half of what I think I do.

“So you and Ben and Will used to party together? I find that hard to believe.”

“Ha!” she scoffs at my suggestion. “Yeah, no. Ben wasn’t around much that summer. I don’t know if Will was trying to have his own identity at Astor or what but he really pushed Ben away that summer, and Dan definitely didn’t help that.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, training my gaze on the cobblestone at our feet.

“Dan had Ben in an insane conditioning program that summer. He was barely around.” It’s unsettling to realize how little I know, how much everyone has hidden from me.

“Then how would he have met Lily?”

Her head cocks to the side again, like she is inspecting a broken clock. “Who, Ben?”

“Obviously, who else would I be talking about?” Her face is the picture of confusion but she answers anyway.

“I’m assuming when she met the family?” She says it as if it’s as obvious as water being wet.

“Family?” I ask, shaking my head to scatter the puzzle pieces that are disturbingly falling together.

“The Chapmans? Jesus Liv, follow along,” she rolls her eyes before realization dawns on her. “Oh… you think Lily was dating Ben.” Pity weighs heavily in her eyes. “Lily was dating Will, Olivia.”

“That can’t be true,” I say rapidly, squeezing the tips of my fingers together in a way I haven’t in a while.

She moves her mouth to the side as if I’m a child and she’s trying to break some horrifying news to me. “Olivia...”

“Gen, stop— I know it was Ben. His basketball number is literally scrawled on like half the things Lily owned,” I say, my frustration palpable. Gen silently raises her eyebrows.

“What?” I almost shout. I can feel tears rapidly coming to my eyes, feeling the worry seeping out of me as if I’m missing all of the details.

“I’m surprised she bought that, is all…” As if she can sense my confusion she continues, “Will and Ben… they have an interesting dynamic, as I’m sure you now know. But back then it was different. Will sort of idolized him. Like Ben was his literal hero— he wanted to basically be Ben when he grew up. That was the first summer he really tried to put space between them, tried to stand in his own spotlight. I think in an effort to impress Lily, Will… fabricated a few things.” She bites her lip. “Like, he may have told her he was the captain at Astor and said Ben’s number was his? I don’t know, he told so many lies that summer, and I guess after that summer too…” She eyes me cautiously, her gaze innocent as if she hasn’t just lit my entire world on fire.

Betrayal smashes into me like a choppy wave and the wall of grief that I’ve slowly been lowering the past few weeks threatens to crumble. I feel my stomach roil when I realize Lily dated my boyfriend, or no— really I dated her boyfriend.

I should’ve known . How could I not know?

But I didn’t, because she never told me. He never told me. No one told me.

I feel my shoulders slump and I don’t even care that Gen of all people is seeing me deteriorate. I feel her eyes on me, appraising me as if to try and figure out what to say, but her silence tells me she’s coming up short.

Everyone’s been lying to you, that voice in my head chimes in.

Everyone’s been laughing at you . I squeeze my eyes shut and even though I know my anger should be directed at Will right now all I can see is Ben. I feel the parts of my heart that weren’t completely shattered start to break. Ben didn’t know Lily in the way I had assumed but still, he knew her. That’s what he meant by just give it time. It wasn’t his story to tell. But he lied. He sat there and watched as every person in my life lied to me. He lied to me.

The betrayal sits heavy on my chest.

“Gen, when did they break up?” I ask detached, not really wanting to know the ins and outs of their relationship but needing to understand at least the rough timeline.

“I’m not really sure… but I know it was Lily who did it. Will was torn up for weeks until he saw her at the kegger. And then… well… you know.” She gives me a sympathetic look, but doesn’t elaborate. She doesn’t need to. “It destroyed him when she died, Olivia. Being with you fixed him, I guess. I don’t know… you’re the one thing we don’t talk deeply about.” Ancient irritation hides behind her words, but I can tell she’s trying.

My stomach sinks remembering that night, the way Lily tried to talk me out of my crush on Will. The way he pursued me right in front of her. Was I just a pawn in their fucked up game? I can’t stop the tears as they start to fall.

Gen looks at me sympathetically. “Look, I know this is all complete shit.”

I snort wiping the tears from my face. “You could say that again.”

Gen hands me a tissue from her bag. “I shouldn’t be defending him— trust me when I say I’m the last person who wants to do that right now. But Will really does care about you.” I crack a teary smile and Gen smiles back. “Also, it’s important to note that Ben is very clearly in love with you. I know you probably feel betrayed right now and rightfully so. Just, I don’t know, don’t write them off completely. Let them at least give you their side of things.”

Gen moves to stand up and I grab her arm, stopping her.

“Gen...” She looks at me, concern flickering over her pretty features. “Thank you.” And for a second when her eyes meet mine, there seems to be some silent truce between us. She nods and I watch her leave, my mind still reeling with the truth.

I can’t quite place how I’m feeling. Part of me is definitely angry, furious even. I feel betrayed, a sadness brewing inside me that feels like it could swallow me whole, but there's this nameless feeling pushing against it, this part that feels as if this curtain has lifted and I finally see the bigger picture. Not quite relief, but close.

The wall between me and that well of grief that lives inside me seems to shrink and I realize maybe it isn’t a well of grief after all— maybe it’s just Lily. Like all of these moments keep bringing me closer to her, to this person she always was. For so long, I buried these memories so deep inside myself she was impossible to see. Out of self preservation, it was just easier to deal with the death of a caricature and not my best friend.

I move, grabbing my bag and feeling the chilly autumn air bristle through my hair as I wipe the rest of my tears. I decide it’s finally time to start remembering.