Chapter 36
36
Ben
Two years ago
“Yo get your nose out of that book, you're missing all the action.” Andy playfully shoves my book out of my hands, which I don’t find funny at all. I stand to my full height, a good five inches over his.
“Did you forget who the fuck I am?” I ask looking down at him.
He huffs a nervous laugh. “Chill, Cap— there’s just a lot of ladies here tonight, I thought maybe I could be your wingman.” He shrugs his shoulders, but I can see his body cringe away from me ever so slightly and I feel a little bad for him— I’m sure the rest of the team notices, too. I slap him hard on the shoulder.
“I’m just fuckin’ with you man. Who’s on the roster?” He grins and starts going on about some of the jersey chasers from last year.
Grant comes up behind me, slinging an arm over my shoulder.
“Sorry to interrupt but I gotta steal our captain for a few.” Andy rolls his eyes, clearly irritated as he walks away. We move toward the kegs behind the frat’s makeshift bar. I feel the familiar stickiness of the tap as I go to pour myself a beer.
“What’s up man?” I ask, sipping the foam out of my beer.
I look around. The party is insane. Hundreds of people from freshman to super seniors fill the yard underneath what seems to be several hundred strands of market lights that illuminate the area, more than likely donated by whichever donor alumni wants to show off his money.
“I wanted to just casually point out that your brother seems to be trailing that girl over there that you said wants nothing to do with him?” He points to my brother and his ex-girlfriend who, against my better judgment but out of respect for her, he has kept a secret the past several months. She ultimately, unsurprisingly to me, pulverized his heart.
“Who is she by the way?” Grant asks, clearly ogling her with wide eyes.
“Don’t worry about it,” I say sternly, narrowing my eyes.
I’m not really sure what Will or now seemingly Grant see in my brother’s ex, Lily. I mean she’s definitely attractive but in a sort of typical, nothing I haven’t seen before, way. She’s short, blonde, et cetera, but her personality was always kind of lacking to me. Having a conversation with her is like watching paint dry. At the dinner table with my family she’d use this fake as fuck voice when talking to my parents, like she was a child, which I personally found disturbing, and I swear this girl has never had a solid opinion on anything. I also found it bizarre that she wanted to keep the relationship a secret. Not to toot my own horn but us Cabot/Chapman boys have always been considered a catch, so her not wanting to parade Will around town– kind of a red flag to me.
My brother is so similar to how I was before I came to Astor— completely naive. Dan kept us on a rigorous training schedule for years, making our social lives in high school basically non- existent. Being that Lily really is Will’s first heartbreak, I know he can barely function now that she all but dumped him out of the blue.
Gen is clearly trying to follow my marching orders, which were to be a complete bitch to Lily and her crew. I figured if anyone could pull off trying to keep my brother away from his “one true love,” it would be his best friend. Clearly, I was wrong. She seems more obsessed with trying to keep Will’s attention away from the brunette with her back to me. In fact, Lily seems to be kind of a wallflower for once, which secretly fills me with glee, considering she made the entire summer about her.
I analyze the brunette’s silhouette, trying to make out if I recognize it. I can tell right away this girl is hot— just by the way she stands. She’s tall, her shoulders are back and squared like she’s about to go into combat with Gen, and her hair tumbles down her back in loose waves just barely hitting above her waist. I find myself wanting to twist it around my hands and?—
“Who is that?” I nod toward their group and Grant follows my gaze.
“Oh man— that girl.” He makes a whoo-ee type sound while miming rubbing sweat off his forehead. I stare at him a bit irritated that he hasn’t just told me who she is. He smiles, shaking his head, noticing that he’s pissing me off. “Her name is Olivia. Dude, she was in my orientation cohort and when I tell you every man in that group had his jaw on the ground looking at that girl.” His eyes are basically twinkling at the memory. “She’s fiery though man, she’d eat you alive.” He gives me his signature booming laugh and says to himself, “That’s something I’d pay to see,” while sloppily topping off his own beer before wandering off in search of a napkin. I turn back and notice that she’s gone. I begin scanning the party for her just as I feel fingers grip my arm.
“I’m over this, Ben. Can I be off duty now? He’s clearly not going to give this up. Plus, I like her.”
Gen is clearly frustrated and I have to give it to her— she's really being a good sport considering she’s had a crush on my brother since birth. I never understood why Will didn’t give her a go. She’s a bit cold, but who wouldn’t be with the mom she has. Plus, she has the whole ice princess ballerina thing going for her. I give her puppy dog eyes.
“Please, Gen, for Will’s sake, won’t you help rid him of the girl who broke his heart?” I put my hand over my heart solemnly and she rolls her eyes. “Besides maybe he’ll finally start dating you as some sort of rebound situation,” I say, shrugging and refilling the beer I just finished chugging.
Her eyes instantly fill with emotion and her face looks like I just slapped her.
“Ben, what the fuck? Not cool,” Grant says lightly, suddenly reappearing, putting his hand on Gen’s back in an attempt to comfort her.
“You both are fucking assholes,” she whisper yells and knocks my beer on to my shirt, storming off. Grant stares after her for a second like he’s pondering going after her and mindlessly hands me a wad of paper towel.
“Jesus,” I sigh, sopping wet with my freshly poured beer.
“That was shitty man,” Grant says clearly, still miffed with me, as if a beer poured on me isn’t punishment enough. One thing I love about Grant, other than him being the most genuine guy I’ve ever met, is his willingness to always call me on my shit. He doesn’t care about my money— he's got his own; he doesn’t care about my basketball rank because basketball isn’t end game to him. He honestly has no reason not to call me on my shit, which is what makes him my most genuine friend.
“I know, I know. I’ll apologize to her later— I’m gonna go change my shirt,” I say, tossing my cup into the trash. “Hey— don’t let my brother pour those girls drinks. Lily or my future wife,” I say, smiling as I walk backwards knowing what a cocky asshole I look like.
I pull a new shirt out of my backpack and over my head, when I notice a few girls checking me out. I give them a smirk and a half wave and they giggle in unison. Honestly, it kind of creeps me out. I pull my copy of Romeo and Juliet out of my back pocket and shove it in my backpack knowing I need to finish annotating it before Lit class tomorrow.
“I love that book,” one of them calls. The girl has that freshman air about her.
“Oh yeah?” I ask. “You don’t think it’s kind of sad?” Her eyes go wide as if she thought I’d ignore her. She begins to stammer. “You okay…?” I ask, trying to hold in a laugh at the poor girl's expense.
“She’s just nervous,” her friend pipes up quickly.
“Got it. Well, nice to meet you,” I nod at the group and begin to make my way back outside to the makeshift bar when I see her… Olivia? I think that’s what Grant said. My pulse is racing. It’s dark where they're standing so there's a shadow cast across her face ever so slightly, but I see her. The shape of her face, this pouty mouth that instantly makes my heart stammer. Her low cut shirt with this leather jacket on top. I take a step forward trying to get a better view and I can tell she’s saying her goodbyes to Ian and his boyfriend and some other girl I don’t recognize.
“Hey, can I ask you guys a question?” I ask, nodding back toward the group of giggling girls.
“Yes of course, anything,” the louder friend says in what feels like super speed.
“You guys know her?” I say and point toward Olivia.
“Oh my god, of course. That’s Olivia! She’s basically like the queen of us freshmen.”
So they are freshmen , I think as the louder one drunkenly cackles at her own… joke? Was it a joke? The quiet friend speaks up.
“Her name’s Olivia Beckett,” she squeaks. “She’s best friends with Lily Newhouse who also is really popular, but um Olivia’s a lot nicer and so smart. I heard that Will Chapman is going to ask her out…you’re his brother right?” Her face is crimson now and I scrunch my eyebrows at them.
“Who told you that?” My tone comes out harsh causing the girl to turn bright red.
“Um… that you’re his brother?” she stutters. I roll my eyes realizing this girl clearly came to her own conclusion.
“No— that he’s asking Olivia out?” I say, my tone is a bit more annoyed than before.
“OH!” She begins nervously giggling and I realize I should probably just leave these girls alone.
“Have a good night ladies.” As I step away, I hear them murmuring.
“He was totally interested.”
“He’s so hot.”
I huff a laugh as I go back to the deck.
I stand off under an overhang no one is around needing some quiet. The air is thick with the smell of stale beer and the music is blaring. I roll my shoulders back, trying to hype myself up to be the captain of the Lions. Astor’s golden boy, or whatever fucking title these people want to put on my shoulders. I feel like the past two years have been a whirlwind of me trying to be this guy that I just am not. The “most valuable player” in more ways than one, from getting laid every night to making every three pointer this team’s seen this season.
Sometimes I don’t recognize myself, like I’m an imposter in my own body. Seeing Will here has taken a lot more of a toll on me than I realized. I look around for him, not seeing him or Lily in the crowd. I know he’s trying to keep his distance from me. He mentioned it a few times when we were packing for the semester.
“I’m not going to live under your shadow, Ben. I don’t have to.”
Little does he know, I don't want that anyway. Will is a really good ball player. He always has been. I just worry he isn’t the one who loves the game and instead just wants to be the best to finally win Dan’s approval. I know from experience he’ll never get it.
The wind picks up and I feel an energy around me. When I look up I see her again— Olivia. I feel myself involuntarily swallowing. Her brown hair is whipping around her face and finally, in the privacy of the corner I’ve hidden myself in, I can really take her in. I stare at her, my eyes unwavering as I scan her face. She’s breathtaking.
I don’t think I’ve felt this on edge about a girl at Astor before, like an eeriness I can’t place. I don’t think I’ve seen a girl like this in general. Her posture is just so sure of herself, like she knows she's going to win even though she hasn’t even entered the game. I need to talk to her. I move to my feet and see her gaze shift to mine. There’s no way she can see me but it feels like she’s staring into my soul.
“Yo cap!” Andy hollers. “Your little bro is freaking out in Jackson’s room. Can you handle this?”
I swear under my breath. I knew this would happen. Will is hot headed; it was only a matter of time before he got in a fight here.
As I approach I can hear him begging and immediately feel my gut bottom out. This is not how he should be starting his freshman year.
“How can you say this meant nothing Lily?” He’s pleading from behind the door.
“Will, I can’t keep repeating the same thing! We were just hooking up and you obviously took it more seriously than I did. I’m sorry but you need to get the fuck out of my way and let me leave this room. Now.” Lily's voice is more stern than I’ve heard it before and I’m worried Will’s going to do something stupid.
“That’s bullshit!” As if on cue, I hear the sound of drywall smashing. I open the door and peer at Lily, seemingly bored by all of this and my very crushed younger brother whose hand is currently in the hole he just put in the wall. She’s sitting primly on the bed and uncrosses her legs, moving to stand.
“Listen— I need to leave. My head is killing me from the noise and I just don’t feel like this is getting us anywhere. I’m sorry, Will, but you need to move on.” She nods at me as she slips behind me and out the door. Will crashes down on the bed behind me and throws his arm over his eyes. I sit next to him and pointedly hand him my beer.
“Is this from my captain or my brother?” Will says, defeated, peeking out from under his arms.
“Don’t be a prick and drink it,” I respond and silence hangs between us. “It’s from your brother,” I sigh, breaking the tension and rolling my eyes.
He finally cracks a smile. “Well, that was embarrassing,” he says, sitting up just enough to chug the beer.
“Happens to the best of us,” I say, rubbing my hands on my legs and looking at the hole in the drywall. “Well, maybe work on the anger part.” We both chuckle then sigh.
“Mom wants me to look out for you,” I say mostly to myself and immediately regret it.
“Mom can fuck off,” he mutters, taking another gulp of the beer and then letting his head fall back to the mattress.
“Will,” I warn.
“Ben,” he responds, widening his eyes as if to ask what I’m going to do. I let it go like I always do with him.
“Look I just came in here to tell you that I have your back, and there’s lots of beautiful girls out there. Lily is just one of them.” I do my best to sound supportive. Will pushes up off the bed to stand.
“Thanks bro, but I don’t need your help.” He looks in the mirror and fixes his hair. I can tell he’s a little drunk which is probably why his emotions are everywhere. Because of Dan’s insane training schedule Will’s probably never had a proper drink, just like I hadn’t before coming to Astor. “Who knows maybe I’ll bone Lily’s hot friend just to piss her off… I think her name’s Olivia? Apparently Lily started a rumor that I’m going to ask the girl out anyway. Might as well give her what she wants.” He gives me a wink and a cocky grin. He goes to shut the door and my hand reaches out almost by instinct to stop it, slamming it shut. His hands fly up defensively. “Bro, what the fuck?”
“So what, you’re just going to revenge fuck this girl’s best friend? Is that it?”
His eyes search mine, clearly confused by my outburst. “I don’t see why you care, you don’t even know this girl.” He pauses, squinting at me. “Wait a minute… do you know this girl?”
“Don’t fucking talk to her, don’t talk about her, don’t even look in her general direction,” the venom drips from my words, shocking even myself as a somewhat primal instinct has taken over me.
“Stop telling me what to do, Ben. You don’t own the girl,” Will hisses pushing against me, trying to get me to lose my balance. I slam him back into the frame of the door.
“Dude, fuck off.” He shoves harder and I finally let go.
“You need fucking help man,” Will yells, slamming the door.
I sit down on the bed pushing my hands through my hair. What was that? I feel my heart rate picking up, fisting the sheets and feeling myself start to panic. I lost control and took it all out on Will like I always do.
I don’t know what’s been causing these panic attacks. I’ve been getting them before every game and now whenever I talk to Will. I feel my lungs constrict and slowly move to go lock the door. I don’t want anyone seeing this. I lay myself on the bed and tuck my legs into my chest until I’m in the fetal position, trying to still my heart rate. I shut my eyes hard and try to think of anything to get my mind off the sensation of not getting enough air. I see that long brown hair barely touching her waist, her lips, those confident, intense eyes.