37. Chapter 37
Chapter 37
“ V ivi? Can I come in?”
“No!” I tried to suppress my sobbing as my heart rate soared. “I mean, I’m not feeling well.”
“Are you OK?” Jack sounded very worried.
“Uh, yeah, just not feeling the best.” I coughed for good measure. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Silence reigned, and I wondered if he was still there. I hoped not.
“Sure, Vivi,” he said carefully. “I can leave if you’d like. But can I come in first?”
I sniffled. “No, Jack. I’m getting ready for bed. I just need to call it a night.” Satisfied that he wouldn’t enter, I threw another tissue on the bed. Jack was a perfect gentleman. “I’ll text you to—”
The door opened, startling me as he walked right in. “Sorry, Vivi, I’m just worried. It’s not like you …” Seeing that I’d buried my face in a pillow, he rushed over, sitting next to me and offering a light hand on my shoulder. “Vivi, Vivi, what is it?”
I started to raise my head and open my mouth to reply, but I burst into tears again, unable to speak as fresh sobs shook my whole body. What could I tell him? I couldn’t even think straight. And his hand was on my shoulder and then my back; it burned in both the best and the worst ways.
He lightly stroked my back, with a tenderness I could hardly bear. After a few minutes, I forced myself to a sitting position, the tears subsiding enough for me to speak. “It’s just everything, Jack. The way things ended at my job, the problems with Gregory and with Annie, the realization that I’m not meant to be the novelist I thought I could be, the—the—the tension with you. It’s all just … I mean, it’s just been a lot. Some of it has been good; the new job has been good. But a lot of it has been crap, you know.” I paused then to blow my nose with the tissue he held out. “I’m not coping well. You think you’ve seen me at my worst, many times before, but these last couple months have really been a new low for me, in so many ways. I’m, well, frankly I’m mortified, but I suppose I’m also too emotionally exhausted to try to put on a brave face right now. Sorry, I … I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
He slowly reached out and pulled me into his arms, and I could barely breathe. At first I sat rigid within his embrace, my heart pounding. Eventually, I relaxed my head on his warm shoulder and let the tears flow yet again.
After a few minutes, he pulled away gently but firmly.
I gazed up through my water eyes, frowning in confusion at his abruptness. Wiping my tears with the back of my hand, I realized what was going on. This was too much, even for him. I was too much. “I’m so, so sorry, Jack.”
“ You are sorry? For what? You have nothing to be sorry about. It is I—”
“No, I … I’m being so overly dramatic, and you’re being amazingly kind and sympathetic and perfect as always. I don’t deserve such a great friend … and I know this is too much. I’m too much, sometimes.”
Many different emotions appeared across his face, and after a few moments of silence, he said softly, “I’m not so amazing after all, I’m afraid. I … I don’t even know if I can do this. I want to be there for you, but I don’t know if … if I can be your friend.”
As my heart broke into a million pieces, I looked down, trying to hide the shock and pain that would surely be evident all over my face. I tried to swallow and to speak. “I’m—I’m sorry. It kills me, but I understand, Jack. I’m a lot to put up with. I hate that I’ve done this to us.”
His eyes widened. “Done what? What have you done to us?” he asked, looking intently at my tear-streaked face as I fought a fresh round of tears. After several moments, he gently clasped my hand, weaving his fingers through mine. “Oh my—Vivi. You don’t know .”
I was terrified to ask, but I slowly raised my head. “I … don’t know what?”
His breath caught, and he didn’t speak for a long moment. Then, his warm hand was on my face, tipping my chin up so we were eye to eye. “Don’t you know I’m in love with you?”
I inhaled sharply, my eyes widening. Surely I'd misheard.
But … no. I hadn’t heard wrong.
I knew from his face, his eyes that were shining with undeniable passion, for me . An explosion of feelings cascaded through me. Before I could even think to respond, he added, “ You haven’t done anything, Vivi. I’ve just gone and fallen in love with my best friend.” He laughed in a self-deprecating way, letting go of my chin and standing up. “So you see, I’m the one who’s done this to us. I’m … I’m sorry for not owning up to it earlier. I suppose I thought it was obvious, or maybe I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want to ruin what we had, and I still don’t … but I truly don’t know how to be just a friend anymore. These last few weeks and then tonight, well, I’ve really been mucking it up. I am so sorry, Vivi. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear. I know it’s—”
“Jack Normandy,” I said, a smile spreading over my tear-streaked face. “You’re rambling.”
He clamped his mouth shut, looking down at me with uncertainty in his eyes, a vulnerability that I rarely saw in him. He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I suppose I am.”
“You never ramble,” I observed, wiping the last tears away as my heart swelled. Then I frowned. “But you and Annie …”
“What about Annie and me?”
“She said she had a new man, and you two were together early that morning—”
He sat down, taking my hand firmly. “I have to stop you there, Vivi. I don’t know what you imagined, but there’s nothing like that between Annie and me, now or ever. By ‘new man,’ she probably meant Charlie.”
My brow wrinkled. “Charlie?”
“Her new cat. Siamese. Gorgeous little guy, loves her but hates everyone else.”
Soon tears were streaming down my face again. Tears of laughter, of joy, of adoration for this man before me.
And then I leaned forward and did something I never thought I’d do.
I kissed my best friend.
Not tentatively and not slowly, but with every ounce of feeling I had. And as firmly as my arms pulled him toward me, he held me tight with hands that were meant to hold me. The kiss was everything that first kisses should be, but also everything that second and third kisses should be. It was every kiss combined into one amazing moment that I wanted to remember forever.
Eventually, he pulled back mere inches, staring at me in shock. “Vivi, you … you feel the same way?”
I looked deeply into his ocean-blue eyes, unsure how to convey the depth of my feelings in words. Instead, I pressed my lips to his again, deepening the kiss as my arms slid around his back.
When I pulled back, breathless, I could only smile and stare at him as he flashed a heart-stopping smile. Jack was my Knightley, and I was his Emma. But our story would be a bit different. “Jack,” I started. “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.”
He brushed a light kiss on my lips and laughed. “That is just odd-sounding enough to make me wonder if it’s from an Austen novel. Which one?”
“You don’t know? We will have to remedy this knowledge gap soon, Mr. Knightley. But for now, can you just kiss me?” My tingling lips curved upward into a sly smile as I pulled him closer. “The kind of kiss that would make Austen blush.”