Awakening the Dark Flame (The Dark Throne #2)

21. Chapter 21

Chapter twenty-one

T he next morning, I got up early and forced myself to eat. I got dressed and told Atalee I was going for a ride. I called Tarsyrth to my balcony and took off into the sky, making my way to the border and crossing into The Frey.

I bought a horse and rode until I reached my old town. My home. I stuck out from the plain townspeople with my black leather pants and long leather jacket that flapped in the wind. My boots came up to my knees, keeping the snow from getting inside.

I sat on a bench outside a small, run-down cottage. I pulled my jacket tightly around my body, trying to keep the winter cold at bay. The cottage wasn’t chosen at random. It was the home of the three young children I had given cakes to at the festival just before Lily was taken, which seemed like a lifetime ago.

I watched as they ran out of their front door and jumped directly into the snow. They laughed and screamed in excitement. Their pants had holes and their coats were barely holding together, but they didn’t care. They didn’t allow their means to define their happiness .

It wasn’t too long ago that I was in the same position. I smiled as I sat, laughing along with them. They began to throw snowballs at one another, filling their hair with small white flakes.

Would my child laugh like them? Would they be happy in the dark court?

Eren appeared next to me on the bench out of nowhere. He wore a long black jacket that went to the ground. He folded his hands into his pockets, not making eye contact.

“You know, when I told you that you had to tell someone when you left the castle, I meant, you actually had to tell someone where you were going. Especially if you cross the border into The Frey. There’s paperwork and a waiting period,” said Eren.

I shook my head, holding back my smile, not taking my eyes off the children.

He allowed a few minutes to pass, perhaps mustering the courage to discuss the previous night.

“Over the years,” he started, “I think I’ve learned a great deal about myself. I know my strengths and I am aware of my weaknesses … and sex is not one of those weaknesses. I have never been asked to leave a female’s quarters, let alone asked to get off mid-act. Needless to say, my ego is a bit bruised, and I would like to understand what happened last night.”

I took a deep breath, still looking out into the field. “I didn’t free you from one sex contract to bind you to another, Erendrial.”

“What? ”

“Last night, you told me I was free to use you in whatever way I wished. In that moment I knew you weren’t with me because you wanted to be, but because you were trying to fulfill an obligation or duty. If I allowed you to continue, I’d be no better than Lady Calavi. I want the person I am with to want to be with me. To want to pleasure me and allow me to bring them pleasure because they desire me. Not because they feel an obligation based on my title.”

A few minutes passed as he tried to compose a response. “You are nothing like Calavi. I wasn’t there because you forced me. I wanted to be there. I wanted to help you.”

“Sex doesn’t mean the same thing to you as it does me. It means something to me. I need it to mean something, or I will end up losing the part of myself that I’ve worked so hard to recover.” Another long moment passed between us.

“Why me? After everything you’ve been through, why was I the one you choose to start again with?” he asked.

I closed my eyes, trying to find the courage to tell him. “I started having visions three years ago. At first, it was the same vision every time I closed my eyes to sleep. The same image. A male, but I couldn’t see him completely. He was surrounded in darkness, but I could hear him laugh. I could see his smile. Images of his hands and the jewelry they were adorned with. But the most vivid part of the vision was a black marking, starting from his lower neck, extending over his shoulder and down his arm.

“For years, I thought maybe the gods were sending me this image for comfort. Maybe he was my guardian angel, making sure I knew I wasn’t alone. I would take comfort in the vision during nights when I was cold or hungry. Then, when I got to the light court, I continued to rely on those images. Even when I had to lie next to Gaelin, I would still dream of the angel.

“That night I came to you about the battle with Otar, I saw your imprint. I realize that my angel wasn’t an angel at all, but a demon sent to torment me. I forced myself to stop seeing you for as long as I could. But when the king began to take me, I relied on those images to get me through the darker parts of the experiences. They were familiar and something else to focus on besides what my body was being put through.

“When I began to get to know you, I thought the images meant something more. That there was a reason why I had been seeing you for so many years, but I was wrong. I tend to overthink things as you well know.”

He sat uncomfortably still, then turned his attention to the field in front of us.

“Do you know them?” he asked, gesturing to the children.

“Not really. They were starving, so I stole enough money to buy them each a cake at the summer solstice.”

“So now you’re stalking them?”

I smirked. “No, I am just watching them play. It makes me happy.” I paused, examining his facial expression as he tracked the running children. “Seeing them doesn’t make you want one of your own someday?”

“I wasn’t made to be a father. A child, even an alfar child, needs nurture and stability. I can’t provide either. A child also makes you weak. It can be used against you. Why expose yourself so blatantly? Plus, I’d be tied to its mother for the rest of my life. Not something that is on my to-do list.”

I gripped my stomach, feeling the loss for my child. At that moment, I knew it would never know its true father.

“Why do you love the humans so much?” he asked. “Besides the fact that your mother was one, of course.”

“They aren’t as weak as you all think them to be. They’re smart and relentless. They are constantly beaten down, yet they continue to get back up. They’re loyal and dedicated and their love knows no bounds.

“If they weren’t under the thumb of the alfar, I believe they could create and discover great things. Given the resources, they would build towers that would reach into the clouds. They would write and create art. They would compose symphonies and discover remedies for illnesses. They would explore and conquer. I bet they would even learn how to fly. You underestimate them on so many levels. You oppress them and use them, yet here they still are, loving the life they were born to.”

He sat silent for a few moments. “We should be getting back,” he said.

Before we left, I walked towards the children. Their mother and father came out of the house as I approached. The children ran behind their parents, staring at me with a bit of fear and curiosity. The mother studied my face.

“I remember you,” she said softly.

I smiled, reaching into my jacket, taking a bag of gold coins from my pocket. “This should get you through the next year with ease,” I said.

“What do you want in return?” asked the father firmly.

I looked at their beautiful family. A father and mother. Siblings. Something my child might never have. “Only for you and your children to be warm and happy.” I smiled at the three little faces before walking back to Eren.

When I was a few feet from him, I felt a zap begin at the base of my back and run up my spine. I collapsed as it reached my brain. Eren rushed forward, catching me before I fell. The pain was excruciating, but I continued to recover faster with each vision. I stood from the ground as he offered me his body as a brace.

“What did you see?” he asked.

“The light alfar. They’re coming to court. They’ve been chasing a horde of creatures that they can’t kill. The things won’t stay dead. The creatures have crossed into our borders, and I just saw how to take them out permanently.”

“Guess we should really be getting back then. Hold on,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. He misted us to the border and called Eeri from the sky. I was too weak to fly, so I flew back with him. By the time we reached home, I was fully recovered. Firel, Eren’s secretary, rushed to meet us as we arrived. He informed us that the light court was indeed already here.

The doors of the throne room swung open and Eren and I marched to the front. Our black jackets fluttered behind us as the pounding of our boots echoed through the massive room. Gaelin, Levos, and a group of ten guards stood in front of my father. I took my throne as Eren firmly planted himself at my side with his mask of intimidation beautifully on display. Gaelin smiled at me, as did Levos.

“Good of you two to join us,” said my father. “King Atros was just telling us of a group of creatures that have broken through the rift. They have killed them, yet they keep resurrecting themselves.”

“Yes, I know. I had a vision of them, and I know how to keep them dead,” I said with a smile.

My father winked at me, turning proudly back to the light court. “Well, it seems like we are going to have a hunt tomorrow. My daughter will lead the attack. Do you have any objections, King Atros?” my father asked.

“As you wish, King Drezmore,” Gaelin replied.

“Excellent. Why don’t we meet in my private study in ten minutes, and we can go over our plans,” said Father, rising to his feet. Gaelin nodded.

My uncle, Eren, and I went straight to my father’s study, wanting to get a head start on the preparations. “What did you see, daughter?”

“The creatures are nocturnal. In order to kill them, you have to dismember them and then burn their bodies to ash. Once they are charred, you bury them in a deep grave, covering the remains with resin,” I said.

“Doesn’t sound too complicated,” commented Eren.

My father smiled at his brother, slapping him on the shoulder.

“Well,” said my father, “it seems like you two have everything under control. We will leave King … Fucker? Isn’t that what you call him, Lyklor? Yes, King Fucker to the two of you.” My father turned to his brother as they both laughed. The sight brought a smile to my face. They exited the room as we waited for Gaelin.

Once he arrived, we filled him in on the details and then derived a plan. We would take off as the sun set the next day to search the grounds for the creatures. According to Gaelin, they had to be within a twenty-mile radius of the castle. We would dispose of them where they fell, making sure to mark the graves so we could go back and check to make sure they stayed dead this time.

That night, both the light and dark courts ate and laughed together in peace. I retired early, trying to gather my strength for the hunt tomorrow. It was the first one my father entrusted to me. I had to make him proud. Even though I shouldn’t have been going anywhere in my current condition.

Atalee was preparing my armor for the next day when Eren appeared in my room .

“Is knocking beyond your comprehension?” I asked.

“I just like rattling you a bit,” he said, winking at me. Atalee left as we stood in front of one another. After all the admissions I had made today, I didn’t know how to act around him.

He took a step towards me, seeming nervous as he took my face in his hand. He pulled my waist into his and looked deeply into my eyes.

“Let me make last night up to you, princess,” he said, rubbing his nose against mine.

I swallowed, gathering the strength I needed. I pulled his hand from my face and then my waist, taking a step back.

“I made you a promise. You would never be forced to touch me again,” I said heavily.

He took another step towards me, rubbing his hands along my arms. “Yes, but I didn’t accept. Last night wasn’t an obligation, nor did it have anything to do with pity. I wanted to be with you. I want to be with you now, tonight.”

I studied him for a moment, trying to get past the many masks he was known to wear. “Why now? What changed your mind?”

He shrugged, allowing a soft smile to appear. “I guess you could say you’re wearing me down, princess.”

I swallowed again, telling myself I had to remain strong. “Eren, you were right. You can’t give me what I need … what I want. I want to be loved. I want to know that I am enough for someone. I don’t want to have to worry about what court member is screwing you when I am not looking. I need a person who just wants me, and that person will never be you,” I said softly.

He took a deep breath in. “Why? Why do you need a commitment? Isn’t being together like this enough?” he said.

“Because I have feelings for you, and it would destroy me to have you one moment and then have to share you with another in the same breath,” I said as a tear ran down my cheek.

He ran a hand over his face in frustration as he looked back at me with heavy eyes. “I can make you happy with what I can give,” he said, still trying to compromise.

“What you can give me isn’t enough, Eren,” I whispered as a guard came through the door.

“Princess Genevieve, King Atros,” the guard announced as Gaelin walked through the door.

Eren’s eyes went deadly as he looked at Gaelin and then back at me. “Can he give you what you want? Is that why he is here?” Eren whispered to me in a harsh tone.

“What? No, of—”

“Don’t,” he snapped, backing away from me with his hands up in a defensive position. “King Atros,” he said, bowing to Gaelin. “I hope you two royals have a fan-fucking-tastic night together. I will see you both for the hunt. Should be a good one,” he said. He turned, slamming the door behind him.

I did what I had to do. It couldn’t continue, no matter how badly I wanted him. He wasn’t capable of loving me or our child. I had to put the baby first.

The truth was, I had truly fallen in love with Eren. He was my person. The one I had chosen. The one I had given myself to completely. Though, I’d never be enough for him. Knowing that should have minimized my feelings, but how could I ever feel anything but love towards him? He had given me the thing I hadn’t known I desperately wanted until it happened. My gift. My joy. My child.