CHAPTER 25 #2
His lips twitch as he leans closer. “But, you see, that’s where things are going wrong. You’re doing too much thinking and not enough feeling.”
My heart leaps at this, wanting to get in on the action, wanting to have its say. “You’re fighting a losing battle, asking a scientist not to think so much.”
He smirks. “Fine, how about this? How about we talk about what’s going on in your beautiful brain? Why can’t we figure this out together?”
I hate that he’s being so reasonable. “Nathan, I told you, I’m scared. No amount of talking is going to fix that.”
“You’re scared? Of me?”
“I’m scared of us. Of what we could be. Of how you could end up breaking me.”
He flinches, his eyes wide with shock. “Do you think I’d do that to you?”
“You did it this morning. Without meaning to, you hurt me. You hurt me.”
He leans forward, his eyelids fluttering closed. “I’m so sorry I did that to you. Your heart should have been safe with me.”
I nod, tears stinging my nose and eyes again. “So, you see, me leaving was for the best. We needed space. Everything was happening too fast…”
He inches closer. “Was it really so fast?” His breath tickles my face. “Because I’ve been crushing on you since I was seventeen years old.”
I push him gently. “Be serious, Nathan. We only reconnected a month ago. And this all started out as a farce. As pretend. I never thought it could be real.”
He takes my hand and places it over his thumping heart. “It’s very real to me, Katie. What I feel for you has always been real.”
My heart thunders along with his, and I swallow down a lump in my throat. My resolve to keep him at a distance weakens.
I draw away from him to clear my head. “Perhaps what happened today happened for a reason.”
He frowns darkly. “Yeah. My mother was the reason.”
“And maybe she’s right?”
“What?”
“Maybe she’s the only one looking at this logically.”
Now it’s his turn to get up and pace. “What are you saying?”
My gaze follows him around the room, his long legs eating up the distance between my walls at a rapid pace.
“I’m saying we dove into this without thinking it through.
What would a relationship between the two of us look like?
You travel the world ten months of the year, and I can’t go with you. I won’t go with you.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“Not now.” I throw my hands up. “But in the future? Are you going to be happy with the long-distance thing? When the other drivers have their partners with them to celebrate their wins and soothe their losses? Are you going to be fine having a girlfriend who’s more at home in a lab than on centre stage? ”
He stops pacing and rubs his neck, staring daggers down at me. “Do you think any of that is important to me?”
I shrug. “How do I know? You were with Victoria for years. She was that type of girlfriend. She’s who your mum wants you to be with. How do I know what you do or don’t want? Or what’s important to you? Do you even know?”
“I know how I feel about you.” His jaw is clenched, and his lips are in a tight, stubborn line.
“And what if that’s not enough? I’m not meant to be in your world,” I say, standing to face him.
His throat moves in a swallow. “Katie, it’s like you’re grasping for reasons to end this before it’s even begun.”
“Perhaps I am.”
He strokes my hair back off my face, his fingers gentle against my skin. “Why?”
I stare into his gorgeous face, wanting to sink into him, to this, so bad it hurts. “I told you, you scare me,” I say. “This scares me.”
“Why?” he asks again.
“I’ve already told you why.”
“Tell me again.”
“Because of how I feel for you,” I stammer, my pulse thrumming in my neck. “If this doesn’t work, it will break me. And I just put myself back together again.”
His face twists with anguish as he pulls me into his arms. “Why are you so convinced it won’t work? Why won’t you give it—me—a chance?”
I wrap my arms around his waist and lean into him, wanting to absorb his strength, his confidence, his belief that it will all be okay.
“I’m not sure I’m strong enough,” I whisper.
“If we were a normal couple, a couple who could take it slow, go on dates to the pub on a Friday night, take mini breaks on the weekend, then perhaps it wouldn’t seem so scary.
But you’re you and you’re in the spotlight and you’ll be gone so much.
You will be living a life that I won’t—can’t—be a part of.
Right now, after spending a week together, everything seems perfect, but it’s not reality.
It’s not what our lives together would actually look like.
I just think it’s best we end this before either of us gets properly hurt. ”
He draws back from me, his blue eyes bouncing between mine. “If that’s what you’re saying, then it’s too late for me. It’s too late to avoid me getting hurt.”
I nod and rest my forehead against his chest. “Yes. But imagine what it’d be like in a year from now. If we give it a proper go. It will be so much worse.”
His arms tighten around me. “Not possible,” he whispers, his voice hoarse.
I swallow a sob, pulling back to stare up at him. “It’s for the best.”
His shoulders drop as he stares back at me. “You’re wrong, Kitty Kat. You believe that living like this is easier, that it will stop you from getting hurt. But in doing this, you’re avoiding living life to the fullest. And your mum would have hated that for you.”
I flinch. “You don’t know anything about my mum.”
He nods and steps back. I clench my fists to stop from reaching for him. “You’re right,” he concedes. “I’m sorry. I just want more for you, that’s all. I want you to be brave.”
My heart hammers in my chest as he throws Jade’s words at me. And the sad thing is, my heart agrees with him; it’s just that right now, my brain is in charge. Being brave will only end in more heartbreak. By ending this now, it will be the best way forward for everyone involved.
“Nathan, I need you to leave.”
His head bobs once in agreement, but he doesn’t move. “Are you sure?”
No!
“Yes. One day, you’ll thank me for doing this.”
He bends over and brushes his lips against mine. “I don’t think so, Katie. I love you. In this one life I get to live, you’re it for me.”
Unable to speak or even move now, I shut my eyes and listen to him leave.
I listen to him murmur something to Nuke before opening the door, my body tightly wound as he pauses.
Then I hear the door shut. And it’s only after that when I open my eyes and take in the empty flat that I allow myself to fall apart.
I’ve done what is safe. What is right. But if that’s true, why does it feel so, so wrong?