24. Austin
24
AUSTIN
M y eyes open and I’m looking at freshly painted white ceiling tiles.
They roam from the center of the ceiling, down the cream-colored wall in front of me, and over an antique fireplace.
I’m not surprised my drunk ass ran right back to her.
When I look down at my bare chest, my eyes fall closed and I sigh, remembering us coming together last night.
I’m glad I didn’t try to drunkenly tell her what I need to say, but fucking her definitely doesn’t help the situation.
Now, she’s going to think that I just needed one last fuck before I walk away.
I look to my right, but she’s gone.
My hand slides across the mattress. It’s still warm in some spots, so she hasn’t been out of bed long.
I groan and sit up.
My head pounds, and after I place my feet on the floor, I rest my elbows on my knees and massage my temples.
How much did I drink? I don’t remember coming here.
God, I hope I didn’t fucking drive.
Shaking my head, I walk to the bathroom door. I twist the knob, and the sound of the shower running fills my ears.
When I step into the room, the smell of her shampoo and the warmth of the steam hits me. I gently close the door behind me and step into the shower behind her.
I wrap my arms around her middle, my head dipping forward to kiss her bare shoulder.
She spins in my arms, her blue eyes meeting mine.
Fuck, how can she be so gorgeous?
Her blonde hair is wet and pushed back from her face, the locks looking darker as they drip with water. Her long eyelashes are matted from the water, and her blue eyes sparkling like an ocean of diamonds. Her lips are swollen, pouty, and sexy—the way they often are when she first wakes up.
“I’m so sorry for coming over here the way I did last night.” I gently shake my head. “I never should have done that.”
“You mean you never should have come over here drunk, or you never should have come over here?”
My jaw tenses in anger. “Both.”
She nods. “Got it.” She tries to pull away, but I don’t let her.
“You don’t understand, Kay.”
“I understand just fine, Austin. Since the moment I met you, you’ve done nothing but run. The first time we kissed, you ran. The first time we had sex, you ran. And now, I’m pregnant, and you’re running again. It’s what you do, Austin. So go.”
“It’s not like that,” I say.
“Yes, it is! You’re freaking out, so naturally you push me away. You think you’re punishing yourself by dealing with this alone, but you’re punishing me and making me deal with it on my own.”
“I don’t mean to. I just can’t…”
“What?” she throws back.
“I can’t be what you need!” I say a little too loudly, my voice echoing off the tiled walls. My hands fall from her body, and I run them through my hair. “I told you that before this started. Remember? You’re supposed to tell me when you’re done with me.”
She crosses her arms, resting her shoulder against the wall. “Yeah, I remember, but shit changes, Austin. I didn’t plan to get pregnant. I thought we’d carry this on for the summer and then move on. I didn’t expect to have a piece of you with me for the rest of my life.”
My head falls forward and my eyes close. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. This isn’t all your fault;. I was there, too. All I need is to hear you say that everything will be alright, that you’re in this with me.”
Her words feel like a punch to the gut.
I would die to give her anything she asks for, except that.
I meet her gaze. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I can’t be this kid’s father. Trust me, walking away now before it’s born is better than sticking around for a few years and walking away then.”
She shakes her head. “Why do you assume that you’ll walk away?”
“Because that’s what my dad did,” I reply. “I’m just like him. I can’t even make a relationship work. That’s why I’m forty-six years old and still single. I’m not meant for the family life. I told you: I can’t be anything for you but a good time.” I turn away. “And the good time is over.” I step out of the shower.
I grab a towel and dry off. She shuts off the water and climbs out behind me. I’m heading for the door, but she grabs a towel and follows me into the bedroom.
“So, what then? You’re out, just like that?”
I pull on my jeans, refusing to look at her.
“You realize that even if you’re not here, you’ll still be abandoning your child? Doing it now or after it’s born makes no difference. All you’re doing is proving yourself right.”
Every word she speaks is the truth, and it’s something I’ll see every day when I look in the mirror.
“Your dad fucked up. It doesn’t mean that you will.”
I slide my feet into my boots and pull on my shirt as I make a quick exit. She follows me down the steps. I reach for the doorknob.
“Austin,” she calls out.
“If you walk out that door right now, you need to know that walking back in isn’t an option. I understand if you need time to think things over. But turn around, look me in the eye, and tell me that. If you tell me you’ll be back, I’ll wait as long as it takes. But if you walk out without a word, I will believe that you’re done with me—with us—and that you’ll never be back.”
I look down at my hand on the knob. Tears sting my eyes.
“Just because your dad walked out on you doesn’t mean you’ll do it to your child. We are not doomed to repeat the sins of our parents, Austin. We get to make our choices. Walking out that door is you making a choice to be like him. So, who do you want to be? Do you want to be different? Better? Or are you going to roll over and make yourself turn into the person you say you hate the most?”
It feels like my chest is cracking open.
Why doesn’t she understand that it’s not a choice?
I’ll hurt her today, but it’s better than hurting her and a child in the years ahead.
I unlock the door, twist the knob, and pull it open. “I’ll send you a check to help with expenses, Kaylee. I’m sorry, but that’s all I can do.”
I step out and pull the door closed behind me. Walking down the front step, the tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks.
Pissed at myself, I quickly wipe them away with the back of my arm, walking away from her house as quickly as possible.
My truck isn’t in the driveway. I pray it’s at home.
I don’t need anyone to see me leave her house this early in the morning, so I walk as fast as possible without running.
I don’t think my body can handle that after the night I had.
***
It’s been an entire month since I walked away from her.
Not a day passes when she’s not on my mind, or I wonder about my child. Every moment I’m without her is a struggle.
I wake up alone every morning, seeing all her things lined up on the vanity in my bathroom, and I swear I’ll clear it all away that night.
But by the evening, I miss her too much to go through with it.
I can’t have her, but I can have her things. I can touch them, smell the perfume that I sprayed on her pillow after her scent faded.
I dream of her every night and think of her every time my mind isn’t occupied.
I keep myself busy by working throughout the day. I go in early and stay late.
We’re getting jobs finished faster than ever before, which has earned me a raise that I don’t need, but I can’t turn it down.
The day after I left her, I wrote Kay a check for a hundred thousand dollars, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and put it in her mailbox.
She still hasn’t cashed it. She doesn’t want money.
She wants me to be someone who can be with her and raise this baby with her.
I’m not those things.
“Thanks for coming out with me today,” Dave says as we sit in the middle of the lake, fishing.
I nod, casting my line. “We haven’t done this in forever.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, the older you get, the faster the time goes. Hell, it seems like just yesterday the doctor was placing Kaylee in my arms. Now she’s twenty-four.” He shakes his head. “Doesn’t seem possible.”
I nod, trying to ignore the slice through my chest from hearing her name. “How’s she doing? Everything with the house okay?”
He nods. “Oh yeah, everything is great. She’s gone back to work at the school. She’s getting her classroom and everything ready. School starts next week, I believe. She’s looking forward to going back. She’s like me, you know? She likes to stay busy, and any time something bothers her, she works it out by staying active.” He wets his lips. “After her asshole ex left her on their wedding day, I watched her struggle for a long time. I could just look at her and see the pain she lugged around every day. But then, she started working on that house, and I saw her make a comeback. Since the house has been finished, that depression is sinking back in. She doesn’t do well with a lot of time on her hands. I worry about her all alone in that big house.”
His words make the pain in my chest double.
Kay’s depressed?
Is it because of me?
She hasn’t tried to reach out. Not that I can blame her.
But if she’s having a hard time, I would want her to… to what?
I don’t have an answer.
Just knowing that she’s hurting makes me want to go to her, hold her, kiss her, and comfort her.
Over the past month, staying away has gotten harder and harder, and I think about how she once said that it’s hard for us to stay away from one another because we’re not meant to.
Because I’m in love with her.
I’ve never been in love with anyone. I don’t know what to do with this information, but I know staying away isn’t an option.
I might not be everything she needs, but maybe it’s something I can become.
There’s only one way to find out.