Back in the Saddle (Diamond Firetail Farm)

Chapter 11

11

Ciaron

M y senses awakened one by one. Heat spread across my chest and stomach, and a vanilla and honey fragrance filled the air. I opened my eyes. I was spooning Taylor. She wasn’t awake yet; she was dead still.

I let her warmth seep into me, and I drew her scent in further so it could infiltrate every part of me. I didn’t pull her closer, afraid she might wake. My dick was hard regardless. I imagined exploring her body, my hand gliding over her soft skin, stopping at all the places she liked to be touched, tracing her stretch marks, feeling her nipples harden at my touch. My dick twitched. I sucked in a breath.

It was a guilty pleasure. Guilty because I doubt she’d approve if she knew. How far back in time would I have to go back for this to be normal? How many months? For a long time, holding her like this was the only thing I had left of our relationship, of our love. After our first night together, I thought I’d be doing this for the rest of my life. Somehow sixty years had been cut down to twenty-two.

I moved away slowly, trying not to wake her, and headed to our ensuite to shower. The hot water helped ease my melancholy and desperate need for her. The water pressure slowed, and the water turned hotter. Someone must have flushed the other toilet. It was too early for the kids. Another sign of an estranged couple; we’d always used the ensuite at the same time before.

I sighed and turned the water off. Enjoying each other’s company last night meant nothing in the scheme of things. Maybe our history didn’t either. And what about her apology? I had no fucking idea if she was being kind or trying to make amends. Nothing made sense anymore.

I got dressed quickly and went out into the kitchen to make breakfast. I passed Taylor in the hall as she headed back to our room. It was like we were two horses passing through an open gate with blinkers on, not paying attention to the other.

“I’ve put the jug on,” she said.

“Thanks.”

I made our coffee and my toast. When I heard the shower turn off, I put bread in the toaster for Taylor and put the jar of Vegemite near her plate. Then I grabbed my keys and headed out for the morning meeting, wondering if Taylor would make an appearance. She didn’t. By the time the meeting was over, and I got to the office, the other lady I’d hired for night watch was there waiting.

“Hi, I’m Sofia,” she said as I approached.

“Nice to meet you, Sofia. Welcome to Diamond Firetail Farm,” I said. “Just let me tell Fran that I’m giving you a tour and we can head off.”

We drove around and I pointed out the different buildings, areas and paddocks. She would never remember it all, but it was important to have an understanding of the size of the farm. Sofia was Australian. She’d recently finished an equine TAFE course in Melbourne. She had hands-on experience during her course, and she’d be teamed up with a well-practiced and trusted team member for night watch. Just like Niamh.

Her eyes were wide as she took in all the paddocks. “The farm is bigger than I expected.”

“We are small compared to some farms around here, like Woodlands or Coolmore. We’re in our second year of drought. Normally it is much greener than this.”

I recalled the first time I’d seen the farm here. The grass was lush, often reaching halfway up the horses’ legs. It was like the farm in Ireland that Taylor’s dad worked at. I couldn’t remember seeing anything so green in my life. Now it was brown as far as the eye could see, interspersed with some paddocks that still had grass. Such a contrast.

I stopped the car and pointed to a small grey and white bird on the fence. It had a black band around its neck which continued down the side that was dotted with white spots. “That’s a diamond firetail. It gets its name from its bright red rump and upper tail feathers. They mate for life.” My heart ached. I’d always thought Taylor and I would last for life. “You’ll notice the water troughs have sticks in them. If wildlife falls in, they can climb back out. A lot are desperate for water now with the drought.”

Sofia was pleasant and asked a lot of questions about the horses and our processes. I was confident I’d made the right decision with her and Niamh. Taylor wouldn’t agree. She hadn’t even wanted me to hire them in the first place.

We hadn’t spoken about it since the big argument. We hadn’t really spoken much. Last night was the most we’d spoken to each other in months. The way she looked at me when we retold our first day reminded me exactly of that day: adoration. Then her apology had come out of nowhere. I shook my head; I needed to stop thinking about it.

When we got back to the carpark, I said, “Well, that’s the tour done. You can go to the unit I showed you to unpack your car. Niamh is in the one next door.”

She nodded. “Thanks.”

“When you’re finished, come to the office to fill in your paperwork.”

I looked at my watch as she drove away. Lorraine would be waiting for me at the crush. I rushed inside.

“Fran, Sofia is going to unpack and then come in to fill out her paperwork.”

“She should have filled it out first,” Taylor said.

I swung my head in the direction of her voice. I hadn’t seen her standing at Fran’s desk. Fran mouthed sorry .

“She won’t be long,” I said.

“Really? What if she gets sidetracked? What if something happens in the meantime?”

I clenched my teeth. I couldn’t fucking believe her. She always had to be in control.

“Would you like me to take the paperwork to her now?” My voice was terse.

Taylor shook her head. She opened her mouth and then snapped it shut.

“Fran, let me know if there’s a problem and I’ll follow it up.”

“OK.”

I turned on my heel and stormed out.

Fuck me dead. Taylor was right. I should have got all the paperwork signed first. But I’d been too fucking distracted by Taylor, thinking about how we’d woken up and how she’d apologised. The words ran through my head over and over again. Her jealousy and worrying about losing me made no sense. She’d made no attempt to reunite in all the time we’d been apart.

And now her words had me wondering if she wanted to stay married and that had me all kinds of confused. I didn’t want to hope for something that was impossible.

I gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white. “She just can’t let go, can’t let other people make decisions that don’t match hers.” I shoved my left foot against the footrest so hard my butt lifted off the seat. “She could have texted me to tell me it was a problem. But why do that when she could chew me out in front of someone?”

I arrived at the crush and stared at the steel rectangle box that was like a cage for a horse. The horse would walk in until its chest hit the bar at the front, and the door would close behind it, restricting its movement backwards and forwards. The door was open at the top and enclosed on its bottom half and covered in rubber to protect the horse. The steel bars on either side kept the horse contained, meaning horses and people were kept safe.

The team had brought the horses into the yard, and Rachel and Lorraine were talking. I released muscle by muscle, starting at my toes, and got out of the car. Lorraine broke off as she watched me approach.

“Sorry, I’m late. Are we ready?”

Rachel nodded as she put gloves on. Lorraine grabbed a mare and brought her into the crush. I locked the gate behind her, then handed some Chux and iodine to Rachel. She soaked the cloth and cleaned the mare’s vulva.

“I can remember your face the first time we cut open a caslick,” Lorraine said.

“Was it the same as when I first saw one put in?”

Lorraine laughed. “I think they were on par. But now you’re an expert.”

I stood beside Taylor as she handed Dan the vet a cloth covered in yellow liquid. A mare who’d recently been covered by a stallion stood in the crush; her foal was in a smaller one right next to her. We were standing behind her.

“Dan is going to wipe down the mare’s vulva with iodine. It will clean the area and prevent an infection.”

He wiped the cloth dripping in iodine over the area. There was no gentleness involved as he wiped forcefully in all the nooks and crannies. He grabbed a needle off a table. “This is a local which will help.”

“Why does she need a local?” I asked.

Taylor had neglected to tell me exactly what a caslick procedure was.

“Are you squeamish, son?”

“It depends on what you’re going to do.”

“In layman’s terms, I’m going to sew up her vulva.”

I swallowed. “Yeah, a local sounds like a good idea.”

Vet Dan stuck the needle in and injected her in different spots on both sides. My legs tensed. But it seemed she’d barely felt a thing. She only shifted her feet a couple of times. He pinched her vulva and there was no reaction. “We’re ready to go.”

He grabbed a scalpel. Sunlight reflected off it as he moved it towards the horse. I thought he said he was sewing her up. What did he need a scalpel for? He raised the scalpel and sliced down both sides of the vulva. What the fuck? I clenched my teeth and took a step back. The horse stood perfectly still.

“We cut through the edges of the vulva so we can create fresh skin. This will help when we sew it back together.”

I was glad she had sedation. If I was a horse, I’d want all the sedation.

My teeth remained clenched as he got a needle and thread and slowly sewed the edges back together.

Dan glanced at me and chuckled. “Good to see you’re still with us.”

“This is worse than seeing someone glassed in a bar fight.”

There were so many intricacies to this horse breeding business I wondered if I’d ever be able to know them all. I’d need to learn them, even if they creeped me out. This farm was Taylor’s life and, by extension, it was now a part of mine. I would never have thought our meeting a few months ago would lead me to being so intimate with a horse’s reproductive system.

Dan turned back to his sewing task. “This horse has poor anatomy. The vulva doesn’t seal properly, which means the uterus is not protected. Sewing the vulva like this will prevent endometritis and placentitis.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s a bacterial or fungus infection that affects the placenta. Not good. It causes premature delivery and pregnancy loss.”

“This simple procedure can be lifesaving for mare and foal,” Taylor said.

When Dan finished sewing, I let out a long breath. Taylor opened the front gate, and the mare walked away with her foal following like nothing had happened.

Taylor smiled at me. “You did good, Irish Boy.”

I wanted to thrust my chest out and beat on it with my fists.

“One caslick down, a million more in your lifetime to go,” Dan said.

A million more. I was ready for them all.

Dan put the needle and thread down, and the vet nurse cleaned the table ready for the next horse. “In a few months’ time, when she is close to birthing, we will remove the caslick.”

Even though Mum thought I was a pro, I’d still cringe from time to time. There was so much to horse breeding the public didn’t know. I’d learnt every last thing that I could about this farm and horse breeding. It was a part of me now.

Rachel gave the mare an injection of local into her vulva and then tested the site to see if it was numb enough. She slid two fingers up behind the stitched skin and spread them into a V to stretch out the skin of the vulva. Then she cut along the whole length of the stitched skin. The removal of the caslick would mean an easier birth for the mare and foal. The danger period for infection was over.

Lorraine and Rachel chatted as they swapped one horse for another and removed their caslicks. I was on autopilot as I handed equipment to Rachel.

I tensed as I thought back to earlier and how Taylor once again tried to enforce her dominance and put me down in front of others. Her apology last night was just that, an apology. She wasn’t trying to set a beginning for our future. I should never have let myself fall into that daydream.

“Ciaron,” Lorraine said.

I glanced at her. Rachel had moved away.

“We’re done.”

“OK.”

She studied me. “What’s going on? You’ve hardly said a word all morning.”

I searched for Rachel. She was talking to a stud hand by the fence and wasn’t in earshot.

Lorraine moved closer to me, drawing my attention to her, before saying, “Last night was nice. We had fun. We laughed. Did something happen this morning?”

I sighed. “It was the same old Taylor this morning.” I looked down at my feet and kicked the dirt. “She told me off in front of Fran.”

“What about?” she said gently.

“I didn’t get the new worker to sign all her forms before she moved in.”

Lorraine tightened her lips. “You know that you should have.”

I didn’t acknowledge her reprimand. “She didn’t have to chew me out in front of Fran.”

“Ciaron.” Her voice was stern.

I swallowed. “Yes, Sofia should have signed her paperwork first.”

“Because the one time Taylor didn’t get it signed first, she then forgot altogether, and we couldn’t withhold wages when a house was damaged.”

I nodded. It had cost us thousands and Taylor had never forgiven herself. We had all made sure not to make the same mistake again.

“Maybe she shouldn’t have done it in front of Fran, but she probably thought it was just Fran.”

“Maybe.” Lorraine was right. Fran was always there. She heard everything.

“What made you forget to get the forms signed? That’s not like you.”

I looked away. “I was distracted.”

“About?”

Did I really want to tell her? Admit that I was weak and was hoping for something impossible? This was Lorraine. If anything, she’d help me with my feelings.

“Taylor,” I said.

“What about Taylor?”

How much had Taylor told her? What had the kids said? I’d tried to keep a lot from them. I didn’t want them exposed to how I was feeling. I didn’t want to influence their feelings for Taylor or myself.

“I don’t know.”

I looked around and saw that Rachel had left us. I relaxed my shoulders, ready to speak freely.

“Let’s go for a walk,” Lorraine said.

That was a good idea. Less opportunity for me to gather nervous energy.

“What about Taylor had you distracted?”

“Last night was nice. It reminded me of old times, when we were happy.”

Lorraine nodded and smiled. “You have to hand it to those kids; they set the night up perfectly. They knew exactly how much you both like to share that story.”

She was right. Bloody kids. They’d bided their time, waited until our defences were down, and then, wham, asked us to recite our story. Did they really think one retelling could fix all our problems? Maybe not. Maybe the whole point was to get us talking. My head hurt thinking about what else they might have planned.

We walked along the road, paddocks lined both sides. Without rain, the road had become dusty. With every footstep, a small plume of dust rose around our feet. The horses were dusty. We were dusty. Our homes were dusty. The windows weren’t clear glass anymore. Sometimes we’d wash them with the water from the washing machine. It wasn’t exactly clean water, but using it with the sponge and squeegee was effective.

The grass was more brown than green in the paddocks around us. Because the maidens living there weren’t pregnant, they didn’t need as much extra feed yet. Even the leaves on the trees were brown and fragile. It’s like we were all losing our colour.

“Remembering the happy times isn’t a good thing?” Lorraine asked, breaking the silence.

“I enjoyed it too much. But I can’t live in the past. Too much has happened since then.”

“Tell me about that. Taylor hasn’t said much.”

It didn’t surprise me. I was the talker in the family these days.

“She’s been so focused on the farm she has practically forgotten we exist.” I let out a breath. I’d thought about this so many times, and yet it was hard to release those thoughts. “There were so many things. Isabelle fell behind at school and was struggling. Her friend choices weren’t great.”

“What about Callum?”

“Callum was Callum—chill. I felt so bad that he wasn’t getting as much from me as Isabelle. And then I found him growing a couple of marijuana plants in the top paddock.”

“Oh. A bit too chill then.” She chuckled. And now, I could see the humour. Not so much back then, though.

“Oh, alright. He thought it would be good for him and Isabelle. They’d been smoking for a few weeks before I found out.”

“How did you find out?”

“The smell gave them away when they made weed brownies.”

She laughed.

“Lucky they just kept it to themselves.”

“Their friends probably had their own plants. Callum must have got the seeds from somewhere.”

“Yeah. I had that conversation with their friends’ parents. That was fun.”

“ You had the conversation with them? Alone?”

I shrugged. There was so much to say, but it boiled down to one thing. “Taylor didn’t care. It was all left up to me.”

I stopped walking and went to a fence, resting my forearms on it, looking towards the river. The river was shallower now, and it had shrunk away from the riverbanks. We were lucky there was water still in it. Some rivers had dried up altogether.

One town close by had run out of water completely and the council had to truck water in every day until they could build a pipeline. And there were reports of many other towns in the same situation.

Lorraine glanced at me. “But that wasn’t the only reason you broke up, was it?”

“No. We stopped talking. She made decisions about the farm without discussing it with me. She was angry all the time. Even the kids felt it. I thought it was the stress from the drought, so I didn’t say anything.”

I kicked at the dirt below the fence. Dirt where once grass would have been. When the drought was over, how long would it take for me to get sick of spraying the fence line?

Lorraine was silent beside me, waiting for more.

“On top of that, she’d question me and my decisions in front of the team, putting me down and making me feel incapable.” I let out a huff. “ I didn’t matter anymore.”

The truth hurt as much today as the first time I thought it. All my life, until I’d met Taylor, my needs didn’t matter. My mother only thought of herself, and that meant I had four brothers to think of. What I wanted or needed was irrelevant. Months ago, that feeling had creeped in again until it settled, like the dust around us had settled.

No point stopping there. Time for the killer blow. “Then at parent-teacher interviews, she accused me of cheating. We’d broken up by then, but the accusation…”

Lorraine swung her head to face me, the whites of her eyes increasing with every centimetre.

I met her eyes.

“Taylor accused you of cheating?”

I nodded.

She rubbed my arm. “That must have hurt.”

“She apologised last night. I wanted to believe she was truly sorry. But I don’t know. It’s hard to believe after everything else.”

“I don’t think Taylor would apologise if she didn’t mean it.”

I rubbed my eyes. “I suppose.”

“Do you want to save your marriage?”

I stared out into the distance. Did I? I’d tried for so long I didn’t know if it was possible anymore. But I’d felt hope last night. So that must mean something. Either that or I was a fool for believing in love.

“Yes. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what else I can do.”

“You can start by trusting her. You can trust how genuine she is.”

That was true. Her feelings were generally open. What had she said last night about why she’d accused me of cheating? It was because she was scared. Feelings I needed to take into consideration. Fear could make us irrational. Just as irrational as love.

Lorraine rested her hand on my arm. “You’re not blame free here, Ciaron. I want you to think about that.”

I closed my eyes. If I wanted this to work, I needed to change too. But I had no idea in what way. Whatever it was, I needed to figure it out.