Back in the Saddle (Diamond Firetail Farm)

Chapter 17

17

Ciaron

W e sat in the lounge room, resting after our day touring. The kids had wanted to show Mam their school and some of the other studs. We’d had lunch out as well. Mam seemed shocked at our isolation. I didn’t notice it. We had everything we needed close by and more shops within half an hour. We didn’t need everything a city like Dublin had.

She was happy when the bottle shop stocked her favourite beer. I guess that made up for our living in the country.

It was important to spend local, especially in times of natural disasters like a drought. It’s what kept the community going. We all needed each other. If these businesses closed, we’d need to travel further and we’d lose connection. Farmers and businesses may not see each other on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis, but if help was needed, we’d be there for one another.

“What time will Taylor get home?” Mam asked. She’d seemed to pick up that this was a sore point. Maybe she’d seen Isabelle’s response to it yesterday. She’d also mentioned something earlier in the day to gauge our reactions.

“I’m sure she won’t be much longer,” I said. “She texted before to say she had to check on an injured horse on the way home.”

The text was a welcome surprise. Normally, we were left waiting. It was these little things that showed me she was listening.

“Do you want us to start dinner, Dad?” Callum asked.

“Sure. Shepherd’s Pie.”

Isabelle followed Callum into the kitchen.

“Even though both of you are cooking, it only counts as one meal,” I said.

Mam raised her eyebrows.

“They each have to cook one meal a week,” I explained.

She nodded. I wonder if she thought back to when I was their age and cooked most meals. It was either that or my brothers and I would go hungry.

Taylor’s car pulled into the driveway. As soon as she walked in the door, she threw me a smile. My heart lifted. It had been a long time since she’d smiled when she came home. Just the lifting of her lips changed her whole demeanour. I’d missed it.

She spotted the kids in the kitchen. “Do you need any help?”

“No way. If you help, it won’t qualify as our meal,” Isabelle said.

Taylor sat beside me on the couch. She sighed as she leant back.

“Long day?” I asked.

She nodded. “Hard work without you there.”

I laughed. “It was only one day.”

“I know. But I forgot how much you do.”

I tried not to show my shock. Sometimes I felt she thought what I did was insignificant.

Mam moved closer and put her hand on my leg. “It’s good you notice that Ciaron is such a hard worker.”

Did she mean that she recognised how much work I did when I was younger as well?

Taylor glanced between Mam and me. “How was your day?”

“Wonderful,” Mam said. “I enjoyed spending the day with my boy.”

“What did you do?” Taylor asked.

I tried not to smile at how she was so obvious about ignoring Mam’s statement. She’d always hated the obtuse way Mam tried to claim me. I was impressed she didn’t roll her eyes.

We spoke about our days as the kids cooked and then, through dinner, we got updates about the family back in Ireland. I knew everything about my brothers. We always kept in contact, but not so much about the extended family. Mam avoided speaking about Dad, who’d retired from his life of crime and had moved to another city with a woman he’d met while in jail. I was happy for him. I only wish he’d left the toxic relationship with Mam sooner and then maybe she would have been happier.

Maybe even had more time to love us.

After I drove Mam home, Taylor and I did the dishes together.

“Thank you for filling in for me today,” I said as she placed the last plate into the dish rack.

I kissed her cheek. Now that the kids were in bed, I was able to touch her. And I didn’t want to stop at a simple kiss.

“You’re welcome.” She put the dish cloth down and turned to me and then held eye contact. “Thank you for everything you do every day at work, at home, with the children.”

“That’s my job.”

She shook her head. “No. That’s our job.”

What was going on here? One day in my shoes and she was saying the words I’d wanted to hear months ago? I couldn’t understand why she’d waited until now to say these things.

She reached up and pushed hair out of my face. Her fingers lingered on my cheek. “I’m sorry I forgot we were a team. You kept giving, and I kept taking.”

My throat tightened.

“I never wanted to be like your mother. But somehow, I was. I’m sorry.”

She laid her hand on my cheek, and I covered it with mine before I moved my head to the left so I could kiss it.

“You’re not like her, Taylor. You’re here standing in front of me, recognising your faults and apologising for them. My mother has never done that.”

Her eyes filled with tears.

“I was wrong too.” I took her free hand. “I gave and gave and didn’t say anything until I got angry. By that time, we were separate teams. I should have spoken up earlier.”

I searched her eyes. She stared right back. I needed to tell her what I’d done. How in the end I’d given away my decision making.

“I let you handle the money because I worked on the farm and I handled everything outside of work and I was sick of it,” I said.

She took a shaky breath. “How did we get here, Ciaron? I never thought we’d be these people.”

“Maybe we forgot we still needed to work for us.”

“Not maybe, we did.”

I nodded. “We did.”

I wrapped her in my arms. We weren’t where we needed to be yet, but we were closer than I thought we’d ever be. And if we didn’t love each other, we wouldn’t have gotten this far. Maybe love was enough.