Back in the Saddle (Diamond Firetail Farm)

Chapter 29

29

Ciaron

T aylor walked in as we were sitting down to dinner.

“Sorry I’m late,” she mumbled as she sat down beside me.

The kids sat opposite, stone-faced. I’m sure they were thinking the same thing I was. We wanted to believe she’d changed, but she’d let us down. And this was the second time in a few days she’d done it. She was slipping back into old habits. We started eating in silence.

“Did another owner come in today, Taylor?” Mam said.

Taylor stiffened beside me. “No, Mary. I had a lot of work to do.”

“Yes, I’m sure working in a business like this is hard. Maybe Ciaron can give you some pointers.”

Taylor didn’t acknowledge the statement. She stared down at her plate like it would tell her some deep, dark secret.

“I had a wonderful afternoon with Ciaron, Callum and Isabelle. It will be so sad when I leave. I wish I could see them more often.” She cupped my face.

“You have a passport now,” I said. “You can visit again.”

“I’m not as young as I used to be. I won’t be able to do these long trips for much longer.” She sighed.

I laughed. “You’re not that old.”

She stroked my hand. “It’s always hard to admit your parents are getting older and reaching the end of their life.”

Was she sick or something? Is that why she was different? More loving, like a mother should be.

“Are you sick, Mamo?” Callum asked.

“No. No. Don’t be silly.” Her laughter was a trill. “While I’m here, I’ll need to teach you and Isabelle some Irish cooking so you can spoil your dad, seeing your mum doesn’t cook.”

The remainder of dinner was the same, with Mam filling in awkward silences. When we finished, Taylor collected the plates. I got up to help.

“I’m good.”

The kids kissed Mam good night and went to their rooms. I took Mam home. When I got back, Taylor had finished tidying and was doing the dishes. I needed to talk to her about being late. We couldn’t move forward with no communication.

I stood on the other side of the bench. “The kids and I were disappointed that you came home late tonight.”

She scrubbed the pot I’d forgotten to soak. Her jaw clenched.

“Taylor?”

She glared at me. “Sorry for being late for the Mary show.”

She finished the pot and practically threw it into the dish rack.

“What are you talking about?”

She scoffed. “Nothing, Ciaron.”

I clutched the back of the stool. I couldn’t believe she was jealous of my mother, who I hadn’t seen in years. Was it because we were getting on much better now? I thought she’d be happy for me. Why did she think she could change but Mam couldn’t?

“I’m sorry for enjoying my mother’s company.”

“You’re so fucking blind.” She huffed and threw the dishcloth in the sink. “I’ll put the dishes away in the morning.”

She stormed off to our room. She wasn’t going to walk away from me this time. Or get away with not giving me honest answers. I matched her stride and grabbed her arm. She wrenched her arm away and whirled on me with a sneer.

“You were late after meeting with the owner too,” I said.

“Keeping count, are you? Or is your mother doing that for you?”

“What is your problem with my mother?”

“I’ve got the problem? Not her? Fucking typical.”

“What are you talking about?”

“She has done nothing but try to break us up from the moment we met. But you’re so fucking busy trying to get her approval that you can’t even see it.”

My stomach clenched. She was delusional.

Her eyes were wide, wild. “I love you . Not everything you do for me. Can you say the same about her?”

Of course I could. She’d changed, hadn’t she? Hadn’t she?

Taylor’s face was red and contorted. “She treats me like fucking shit, and you never speak up.”

“What’s there to speak up about?”

She threw her hands up in the air. “Nothing. She loves you. She’s a fantastic mother.”

I shook my head. “If she’s so bad, why is she here?”

“Not of her own volition, is it? Our children had to spend their own money to get her here.”

“She has four children to look after.”

“Don’t give me that shit. They’re fucking adults. And when they weren’t, who paid their school fees and brought them what they needed? It wasn’t fucking her. It was us.” She was shouting so loud I’d be surprised the whole farm couldn’t hear it. “And who sat with them night after night helping with their homework over the phone and through email? It wasn’t her, was it?”

I clenched my hands. “You said it didn’t bother you that we helped them.”

Her nostrils flared. “No, Ciaron, it didn’t bother me. I love them.” Her voice was like steel. “You’re missing the whole fucking point.”

The point? Yeah, my mam was the point. But what about her mother?

“Why did you tell Mum about what happened at the party but not me?”

“I haven’t spoken to my mum about the party.”

“Why did she know you were upset, then?”

“Because she’s not fucking blind.”

I stared at her, dumbfounded.

She was shaking. Her chest was heaving as she stared at me, waiting for something. And I had no fucking clue what.

“Open your eyes.” She grabbed her PJs, stormed to the ensuite and slammed the door.

I waited for the shower to turn on. I got changed and hopped into bed. I squeezed my temples. What the fuck were they talking about at the party? Things were tense before that, but now they were at a whole other level. I needed to press Taylor about it…when she was calmer.

When Taylor came out, she slipped into bed without saying another word. Great. Looks like we were back to where we were two weeks ago.

My alarm went off, and I groaned. I hadn’t slept well. I’d been thinking about the argument. I needed to get to the bottom of what Taylor meant. She obviously thought I was missing something. I went through all the interactions with Mam, over and over. Taylor was right. She had pointed out when Taylor had done things wrong, but that was because she cared for me, right?

But this wasn’t the first time she’d tried something like that.

I was in our kitchen watching my brothers do their homework while I cooked dinner. Taylor was supposed to have called by now. I put the stirring spoon down and went to the phone. I picked it up to check if there was a dial tone. Maybe Mam hadn’t paid the bill again, and it had been cut off. There was a buzzing on the line. It was working.

Mam walked in as I put the receiver down. “She hasn’t called you today.”

“No, she said yesterday that it might be late.” I went back to the stove and stirred the stew. I grabbed a piece of meat out to test. It melted in my mouth. I turned the stove off.

Mam patted my arm. “She has probably thought about things now that there is time and some distance between you.”

Here we go again.

“I’m sure she hasn’t changed her mind. I haven’t.”

“She probably realises it would be better for her to have an Australian man. One that wouldn’t need to leave his family.”

I moved away, grabbing bowls and cutlery. “I will only be a phone call away.”

“But we need you here. An Irish woman would be so much better for you. What about Molly at the pub? She’s a lovely Irish girl.”

“I don’t think Molly is interested in men.”

“Nonsense. Who wouldn’t be interested in you?” She held a finger to her lips and gazed at the phone. “I know this feels all lovey dovey,”—her voice had dropped to a soothing tone—“but I’m afraid you may lose interest. And then you will be stuck all the way over there with no one.”

“I love Taylor, Mam, and she loves me.”

“Love can be so fickle.”

I took her hands to reassure her. “It will be fine. I will be fine.”

She looked at the phone. “Then why hasn’t she called? If she loved you so much, she’d call.”

Was she doing it again, and I was just too stupid to see it? Taylor said she was. I needed to ask Taylor to work through it with me. To talk to me so I could understand it, not just about the jibes, but all of it, including the party. I thought back to the time she arrived until now, slowly putting the pieces together, but not quite believing them.

It couldn’t be true. It was. Wasn’t it?

Fucking hell. I was so desperate for my mother’s love that I hurt the person I loved most in the world. I let Mam hurt the person I love most. I rubbed my face. I was a shit husband.

I opened my eyes. The bed was empty beside me. I couldn’t hear any movement in the ensuite or the rest of the house. This had never happened. Even when we were at our lowest. Yes, she’d come home late, but she’d never left for work this early.

I thought back again to the argument and about how she said she loved me and not all the things I do. All my life, until I met Taylor, I did everything I could for my mother and brothers. I guess I thought if I did everything right, Mam would love me. And maybe she’d stay home with us. She didn’t.

As things started falling apart with Taylor, I fell into the same trap. I started doing everything again, taking on more and more. It was what I knew. It’s what young Ciaron knew. It’s how I made sense of the world.

I sighed and swung my legs out of bed. I didn’t understand what was happening. Could we really be imploding this quickly, when things had been so good? But who was I fooling? A week and a half of good wasn’t that great.

By the time I made it to the morning meeting, I had more questions than answers. And I was angry at Taylor for not explaining what she’d meant. And I was angry with myself for not already knowing.

Taylor was sitting up the back. She watched me closely, not smiling.

At the end of the meeting, Rachel stood up and addressed me. “We have all taken a vote. We’ve decided every time you think a sleeping horse is in labour, you need to assist with a flushing.”

The room erupted in cheers. Everyone hated flushing mares—vets and stud hands alike. It could be messy.

I looked towards Taylor in the hope of getting help. Everyone else turned to see her reaction. But she was gone.