NINE
From the moment we lock eyes, my body shuts down, from the trembling hands to the shortness of breath. His harsh words send a strong message. Emotions swirl in his blue eyes, showing me the internal war between rage and pain. The longing and the hurt. For a moment there, they were fighting for power.
Anger won, obviously.
But seeing, hearing, and smelling him has brought me back to a world that was supposed to be dead and buried. Yes, Liam brings beautiful memories but the bad ones drag themselves to the surface, too.
It’s not his fault, but it has awful consequences for my body. Shutting down is a defence method it has clung to, ever since… I haven’t had a panic attack in four years. The last time it happened, a brute ripped the last juice bottle out of my hand, claiming he’d seen it first. My body crashed in response to the unwanted contact, and the fact that I had a one-year-old toddler in my arms, bawling his eyes out, didn’t help my case.
It brought unwanted attention, causing the whole supermarket to stop because of me.
But now, all of it is coming back. And I can’t stand here for the entire diner to witness. Every sound surrounding us heightens, piercing through my eardrums. As the two sets of eyes start to feel like a thousand, my feet make the decision for me.
Just like the first time things went south, I run away from Liam. I shouldn’t because I know he deserves better. However, at this moment, my brain is in fight or flight mode. It surely chose flight, stopping only when I reach the staff room.
Seconds seem to stretch into infinity as the cold hard wall digs into my skin through the shirt’s fabric. With my ass flat on the floor and arms over my knees, I let my head fall over them. My lungs burn every time I try to inhale air into them—it hurts. It’s like instead of the oxygen, I’m breathing acid. Still, I power through, with shallow breaths. They mix with ugly sobs as my cheeks turn cold from the ever-running tears.
I’m out of control.
Black dots smear my sight with the lack of air, causing a sharp tightening of my chest. I feel like I’ll choke to death if I don’t get a grip. I know I need to ground myself and focus on what’s around me, but memories take over. They cloud my brain and flash beneath my lids, digging out the ones I buried the deepest. They all come to the surface, mixing different parts of my past, forcing me to travel back in time.
“You smell so good.” The pungent scent of his breath hit my nostrils at the same time his exhale reached my cheek, making my eyes squeeze tightly.
My breath hitches in my throat as my brain blocks the painful memory and my head spins from the replacement. A pleasant one.
“I love you, too,” I whispered back to him, kissing his sweaty jaw while he tightened his hold on me.
Except, at this point, it’s hard to know if it makes it better of even worse. The loss and grief that comes hand in hand with the happy memories make them just as hard to relive.
“I’ve always wanted you.” Sitting on the sofa, I heard his whispers in my ear. His body was forcefully leaning over mine while one of his hands brushed my shoulder, slowly bringing the strap down. I couldn’t move as unpleasant goosebumps ran all over my skin and my lips quivered in fear of his touch.
My mouth opens in a silent scream that stays lodged in my throat. Everything burns from the inside out—especially the places he touched. And while a part of me wants to break free, the other, tamed by trauma, is still keen on staying trapped in this loop.
“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” he questioned when our faces finally separated from a breath-taking kiss. Smiling widely, I eagerly nodded, saying yes. His face mirrored mine, and in the heat of the moment, he picked me up, swirling us around. Warmth filled my heart as both of our laughter spread into the peacefulness of the night.
Why does this keep happening? Why doesn’t the pain just go away once and for all? Why do I let myself be a prisoner to my own pain? Why do I let it incapacitate me after so long?
“You see, Lo? We were made for each other, we fit so well.” His slippery lips wandered all over my neck and shoulders, licking and biting, eliciting even more pain. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, soft sobs broke from my lips and even more tears streamed down my face.
Dread slithers through my veins at the sound of every word told in his voice. Even if I know it’s all in my head, it still steals all fight away from me.
“Are you sure?” His hesitation made me look back at him and nod. The sun hung low as we stared at each other intensely. The yellowish tone made his tanned skin glow, and his eyes shine more. We were a mess of tangled limbs and skin. It was hard to know where one ended and the other started, but all our sensations were heightened. “Lo, baby. We can wait.” There was this bubbly feeling inside of me, being activated every time he touched me.
“I am one hundred percent sure.,” I was, and there was no one I’d rather do this with. As he had said once, he was my forever.
It’s a never-ending loop between the best and the worst memories. Both of which not letting me go, reminding me how fucked up I am.
His unfamiliar scent made me nauseous while his foreign and calloused hand squeezed my breast too tight, making me whimper in pain. My brain kept blaring alarming sounds in a final warning, and my past experiences let me know this was not what it should feel like. But at that moment, I was powerless, and all I could do was block my thoughts in a desperate attempt to prevent the gravity of this situation from sinking in. Because I knew, once it did, everything would be destroyed.
My body slumps further against the wall. These ghosts insist on dragging me to the depths of hell, scarring my soul even more. How much do I have to suffer before I can put it all behind me?
I was na?ve to think a fresh start would solve all my problems. And having my past walk back into my present is proof enough. There’s no escaping this torture.
I am unworthy of anything good. Dirty. Useless. A shell of what I should be, of what I used to be.
“Willow?” A faint muffled call finally reaches my ears, slowly bringing me back to consciousness.
I want to answer, but it’s hard to free myself once the spiral starts.
“Willow, dear? Please open up.”
My chest and scalp hurt, probably from fighting myself to make it stop. How I wish I could reset my brain from all the pain and hurt and be able to function properly again. After all of these years, I still can’t.
Weak.
“Are you alright?” the same voice speaks but I pay no mind.
I can’t.
“She’s not responding.”
“Willow? Darling?” the woman calls after a couple of knocks. “Deep breaths; do it with me. Focus on my breathing.” The warm and familiar voice, Shilah’s, finally reaches my ears.
Trying to follow her direction, I try to breathe in deeply, only to fail miserably and sob again.
“Keep trying! Don’t stop, come on,” she says, and I feel her grab my hand, placing it on her chest.
In. Out. In. Out.
In. Out.
In.
Out.
Slowly, my breathing slows down, and oxygen finally makes its way to my lungs. The surroundings become visible again, even if still blurry. When I can finally focus, I notice Shilah and Johanna crouched before me with deep frowns and sad eyes.
Oh, the pity...I hate it.
After two attempts of trying to stand up and failing, Johanna and Shilah help me up, sitting me down on the bench right next to the lockers.
“You’re okay now, darling. No need to worry.” Shilah coos, patting a humid towel down my forehead.
Johanna is completely silent with her intense gaze on me. With just one look at her face, I can see a million questions swirling in her eyes, even if she knows better than to ask at this moment. I am not sure if, after this panic attack, I will even be able to answer whatever it is she is curious about.
“Thank you, both of you. This hasn’t happened in a few years. I am so embarrassed,” I mutter between hiccups.
“Don’t you dare apologise,” Shilah fake-scolds. “Triggers happen when we least expect them.” Her smile is kind but all I can focus on is Johanna’s tight lips and sombre expression.
Even though Nana and Jake have an idea of what might have happened, no one ever pushed me to speak about it. Especially since I found a coping mechanism through Dylan. Shilah is not the kind to prod either, and Johanna and I aren’t that close for her to have the courage to bluntly ask questions. I can see it in her eyes, she’s drinking up as much information as possible.
Sooner or later, I might have to spill the beans, especially if I don’t want her to think I’m going to steal her potential boyfriend.
My best friend. My first and only love.
The mere thought of them together makes me feel sick…Who would have thought that the only friend I’ve made so far in college would be falling in love with the man I first fell in love with?
“I’m sorry,” I sigh, rubbing my face. “I just need a few more minutes to put myself back together, and I’ll go back to work.”
“Nonsense,” my boss exclaims. “You’re in no condition to go back to work tonight. Once you’re ready, you can go home and have some rest.” Her cold hand pats my back before she straightens. “It’s calm tonight anyway; we’ll manage just fine.”
“But—”
“Not up for discussion! Will you keep her company until she’s fit to leave?” she asks Johanna.
“Yes, of course.” I hear her mutter.
Shilah exits the room, leaving Johanna and me alone in an awkward silence. A few minutes pass as I get rid of the last ragged breaths and stray tears. When I finally feel stable enough to face the rest of the world, I remember him.
Is he still waiting for me? Does he want to finish the conversation I owe him? Oh god...
“Is he—”
“He’s gone,” she cuts me off curtly, without even being able to look at me.
“I’m sorry.” I sigh. “I ruined your date.”
“Don’t be. It’s not your fault!” She finally smiles, but it’s weak. “Maybe things happen for a reason. You clearly have an unresolved past. Maybe you finally have the opportunity to hash it all out and move on.”
This girl makes me jealous of her, and not because she was just on a date with Liam—okay, maybe that, too—but because of her personality. The way she sees the world. She can still see the positive whereas I can only see the negative.
At this moment, it feels like the entire world is against me. But I’ve had enough of self-commiseration; it’s time to put on my grown-up pants and suck it up. That’s why, instead of letting myself fall back into that black hole or staying in here feeling sorry for myself, I try to smile back at her.
We stay in silence for a couple more minutes until Jo taps my knee, a clear message that she’s had enough of being here with me. With an understanding nod, I take off the apron and grab my belongings from the locker before following her out to the parking lot.
The drive isn’t long since the rush hour has long ended by now. In a matter of fifteen minutes, I am home, walking up to Dylan’s room.
Instead of climbing up into my bed in my room, I manage to fit into his, cuddling him to my chest. He doesn’t even stir as I accommodate the both of us in his tiny bed.
There’s no way I’ll be sleeping alone tonight. I need the comfort and warmth of the only good thing that life has given me. The only light created from the darkest period of my life.
Thankfully, his presence gives me a dreamless night, with his body close to my heart, and his touch on my skin, slowly healing the deep wounds that keep ripping at my heart. Tearing it open over and over again.