TWENTY-SIX
There are moments I regret in my life—deeply—but none like this one.
My brain is a jumbled mess, incapacitating my body from the action it should have. With Dylan crying from watching me cry, attached to me, and Arthur’s warm chest grazing my back, the last thing I can do is think—or act.
I can’t even look at him.
My knees almost give away from the panic. Powering through, I pick Dylan up, and he automatically latches onto me, wrapping his arms around my neck. My baby’s tiny fists grip the back of my shirt, holding me as tight as I am holding him. My haven.
The comfort of his hold is the only thing I can manage to focus on in the midst of such stress. I can’t even look around me to see how many people are outside, witnessing this. Because if I do, I’ll surely break down.
Instead, I let my brother take over, believing he’ll have my back.
“Okay, let’s calm down. Look at her state, mate,” Jake’s voice sounds out. “I think you better finish this conversation some other day.”
“Calm down? Jake, she’s had a kid this whole time!” he shouts, surely bringing more attention to the scene outside.
A sob breaks free, and Dylan’s shaky whisper is the only thing grounding me.
“I love you, Mummy,” he keeps repeating.
“I thought he was yours?” Liam presses, and the long silence that follows seems to give him the answer he dreads. “How old is he?”
More silence.
“Is he mine?” his low and angry growl brings goosebumps to my skin.
He is furious.
However, my biggest concern is Dylan. He’s right here and might not be watching it all unfold, but he is certainly listening. This kid is quick-witted and will understand what this is about in no time. About him.
“I understand you have questions,” my brother counters. “She’ll answer them. I’m sure.” I visibly flinch. “Just not tonight. Look at her, man. She can’t talk.”
Ignoring my brother, Liam repeats his question through gritted teeth, “What age is he?”
“Lo?” Jake calls me, asking for permission.
We know each other well enough to talk through half-words sometimes. That’s why I meekly nod, and he promptly answers, “He just turned six today.”
With every silent moment, my heart drops with dread. I can almost listen to the gears turning in his brain as it processes the information.
“That’s…seven or eight months after you left?”
After I left.Memories try to break free from the little drawer I keep them in, and the only thing keeping my head afloat are Dylan’s gentle caresses and low whispers.
That good-girl vibe you have is surely a turn-on.
“No,” I mutter to myself.
Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing.
“Is that why you left?” Liam’s voice clashes with the demons trying to break free.
Thankfully, I keep them in check for a while longer. Probably because of the way his voice cracks at the last word.
“Alright,” Jake steps in again. “Enough!”
“If he was born in November, then…”
Please, no. Don’t say it.
Please, stop.
You don’t want me to stop.
My lungs close in, and airflow stops, blinding me. Even Dylan’s voice sounds far away. Too far away.
“Fuck…she’s…attack.” I don’t know who is saying what, or if there is a commotion at all. My eyes are wide open, but they are seeing events from a long time ago. The ones I fiercely try to keep locked away.
The pungent scent of his breath hit my nostrils at the same time the exhale reached my cheek, making my eyes shut tightly in discomfort.
His unfamiliar scent gave me nausea while his foreign and calloused hand squeezed my breast too tight, making me whimper in pain.
I said no, over and over again, to no avail. I cried, screamed, and trashed against him, and still, he easily manoeuvred me, pinning me to the couch with his body. He undressed me despite my crying. He kept going despite my begging him to stop.
It plays in a loop. The memory of how a few minutes can feel like hours. A few minutes can be more than enough to destroy one’s life. More than enough to kill someone. In this case, the person I used to be.
And now, I’ll have to face all of it again.
“Mummy, wake up. Look at me, please.”
My haven. Once again, he takes me out of the darkest place inside, finally bringing me back to the present. As I roll out of the trance, I startle with my surroundings. I’m in an unfamiliar car, sitting in the back seat with Dylan still glued to me.
“Hey, baby,” I answer him, my voice hoarse.
My first thought is to at least sit him straight and put on the seatbelt but he refuses to let go.
“Baby, safety first.” A strong head shake and a tighter embrace are enough to make me sigh in defeat.
“It won’t work.” A male voice sounds, unsettling me for a second. “Believe me, I tried.”
Arthur.
“Just hold him. I’m driving slowly.” His eyes look at me through the rearview mirror. “We’re almost there.”
“My brother?”
“He took that guy to his car,” the harshness in his voice tells me he isn’t fond of Liam after this chaotic encounter. “He stayed behind to send everyone else home. Thankfully, Ethan and Hazel vouched for me, saying you’d be safe enough. I just thought you’d need a change of scenery and some fresh air.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, and he nods, letting me know he heard.
By watching me finally be functional, Dylan places his head on my shoulder, hiding his face in my neck, still holding me tight. With a few threading movements through his hair, he quickly falls asleep on my lap.
I busy myself watching the view outside. The city lights seem unusually annoying, and the occasional cars passing by us are extremely loud. Even the scarce people walking down the streets seem to be walking funny. It’s probably my puffy eyes making me see things.
There’s no going back after this. Now, I surely have to tell him and come clean. Having the truth out will shatter me all over again.
What if he doesn’t believe me?
What if? He won’t. There were many reasons why I left, but this possibility was one of the biggest ones.
The car comes to a halt, and Arthur finally turns around, looking directly at me. “Are you alright?”
“No,” I blurt truthfully, keeping my eyes on the sleeping toddler.
How could I even look into his eyes after the show he just witnessed?
“Want to talk about it? It can help.”
“I don’t think I can.”
“You don’t need to.” He nods. “Just know you can.”
“Thank you.”
My eyes keep sweeping through our surroundings, avoiding him. At this moment, looking at everything but him is easier. The embarrassment has now replaced most of the fear, and at this point, I’ll break down again if our gazes meet.
“You’ll need to make a decision soon, though. From what I’ve seen, he won’t stop until you tell him whatever truth he is looking for. Will you manage? I’ve noticed how much inside your mind you get. It has to be bad.”
This man has pulled a one-eighty. He is now the day compared to the darkness of the night he used to be and so much more kind and understanding than I’ve ever thought. Not to mention that the concern in his eyes is evident.
Maybe telling someone will help …
“I need some fresh air,” I admit.
“Of course.” Exiting the driver’s seat, he comes around the car to the back and opens the door, picking Dylan up and helping me place him in the back seat. After covering him with his jacket, he opens a tiny bit of the window before closing the door and locking the car.
“We can’t go far—”
“I was thinking we could sit on the hood of the car.” He jerks his chin towards the front of the car.
I follow, and we sit, side by side, facing the dark landscape ahead of us. The faint sound of ocean waves tells me we’re close to the beach, instantly reminding me of the times Liam took me stargazing, knowing how much I loved it. How I miss those days.
The silence stretches for a bit as we both stare into the nothingness ahead. For once, it’s a comfortable silence. I no longer expect him to be rude at any given moment, and that makes me more comfortable than ever. Oddly enough, I feel safe.
“When I first saw you, I hated you,” Arthur speaks, startling me with his sudden bluntness.
He doesn’t look away from the spot he’s trained on, though.
“Way to break the ice.” I chuckle nervously. “I noticed you weren’t a fan.”
“I’m sorry, though,” he apologises. “You reminded me of someone I hate, at first sight, and I couldn’t help myself.”
“Oh.”
“Nothing particular against you. It’s just…looking at you made all of that pain resurface and I didn’t know how to deal.”
His words make me look down at my hands in awkwardness. I mean, I’m relieved he’s giving me an explanation for his erratic behaviour, but I didn’t think it’d be this uncomfortable.
“But as I got to know you more, I understood that despite the physical resemblances, you aren’t the same person, and the way I was treating you was unfair. Sorry about that.”
“What did that woman do to you?” I can’t help but ask. When his shoulders tense, I quickly add, “You don’t need to tell me.”
Instead—and surprising me completely— he smiles. It’s contained and sad but honest.
“Talking about it might help so, why not?” With a shrug, he starts, “My sister, Alexa, who was two years younger than me, was my best friend. We were so close and still, she never felt comfortable telling me everything—something I deeply regret not having guessed because the signs were all there…”
Were?
“We had a strict upbringing with our parents being the conservative kind of Catholics. In a way, I understand why she felt like she couldn’t say. But she didn’t have to hide it from me, too. She loved women.”
That’s when his head finally turns in my direction, dark eyes meeting mine. With an assured nod, I urge him to keep going, letting him know I’m listening.
“With time, I started to see within the cracks of the front she put up to our parents. All the lies were taking a toll on her, and no matter how much I tried to let her know I was there, how I’d support her no matter what, she never gave in.”
“She must have felt lonely, even if in reality, she wasn’t alone,” I comment.
“She ended up alone soon enough. I had to leave for college, and that’s when our parents found out. They shunned her completely.”
“I know the feeling,” I admit. “My parents shunned me, too, when they learned of my teenage pregnancy.”
“I’m sorry. No one should go through that.”
“This isn’t about me, though. What happened next?”
His soft gaze tells me otherwise, but he holds back, knowing full well I’m not ready to talk yet.
“I was fuming. I took her in to live with me. They shunned me, too, but by then, I was close to graduating and already had a part-time job so it allowed me to pay for most of the bills. Alexa found a job as well, and even though she was still extremely depressed, little by little, we got the hang of it, and she was better. Happier.”
“That’s so nice,” I say. “You both deserved it.”
“But short-lived,” he grumbles with his fists curled tight on top of his thighs, showing how hard this is for him.
“Soon enough, she found a girlfriend, and I let her move in with us. I did everything to keep my sister happy, even if I didn’t really like the girl.” A short pause makes me look at him. This time around, he’s looking down at his hands, picking at his nails, and looking almost embarrassed. “My sister was a part-time bartender while studying in college, so there were many nights when she was out working. Jennifer, her girlfriend, often stayed in and made breakfast. It didn’t matter I kept to myself in my bedroom-slash-office, at meal times, we’d eat and spend some time together until it was time for Alexa to go to work. That night, I immediately got tired after dinner, making it only to the couch. I didn’t even notice when she left for work.”
“Isn’t that normal?” I question. “You must have been tired after work.”
“I’m a light sleeper.” He smiles darkly. “I would have heard the front door, and I didn’t. Not when she left and especially not when she came back. I only woke up with her screams. By then, it was too late.”
Anxiety creeps in. What happened? Did she relapse and try to…did the girlfriend do something to her? Oh god.
“What do you mean?”
“Both Jennifer and I were fully naked on the couch.” He chokes on the last words, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “I was so out of it I couldn’t understand at first. Only then did I notice that they were arguing, and Jennifer was telling her all of this crap about how we secretly fell in love and couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
“Oh my god, the bitch,” I blurt, covering my mouth right after.
Arthur chuckles. “Why is it weird to hear you curse?”
“Because I rarely do.” I smile awkwardly. “Sorry.”
With a dismissive shake of his head, he looks back into the darkness, the gloomy mood taking over him again. “Of course, Alexa was na?ve and believed her. She bolted out of the house, and I called the police to have Jennifer out of the house and arrested for SA. Of course, it took a shit ton of time and a trip to the hospital before I could get out to track my sister. For two torturous days, I couldn’t find her, I feared the worst…”
“Please tell me you found her well and safe?”
A deep and dark sound rises from his chest, a mix between a sob and a choke before he finally breaks down in front of me. Unrestrained and completely transparent, Arthur Adell is crying in front of me, bringing my own tears to the surface and making me fear the worst.
“I found her an hour away from this town in another hospital. In a coma after being raped and beaten.”
The pain that poor girl must have been in. After feeling betrayed by her brother, the only one she had left, to be attacked in such an inhuman way. The world can be so cruel.
“After two weeks of my crying and begging her to wake up, she finally did.” He sighs. “We had a heart to heart, and she seemed to believe me. It was like a heavy weight had finally been lifted off my chest.”
“How is she doing now?”
“She…she killed herself as soon as she got permission to go back home,” he chokes.
“What?” I almost screech, flabbergasted. “But you made up, and she knew you wouldn’t hurt her like that.”
“She left the hospital two hours earlier, before I could pick her up, and left a letter on her bed. By the time I ran out to search for her, it was too late. She said she was glad she had me, but that she wasn’t sure she could bear more pain in this horrible world.”
“I am so sorry. No one should go through that. Not her and certainly not you.”
“Unfortunately, you look like Jennifer, and I understood too late that you are nothing like her. I know the way I acted is unforgivable, but just know that I deeply regret it.”
This poor man. I know it doesn’t justify his cruel ways, but I do understand the desperate need to keep people at arm’s length. If they’re not too close, they can’t hurt you. Right?
At the end of the day, we’ll do whatever we can to prevent our hearts from hurting.
“It’s water under the bridge.” I wave him off. “We keep learning from our mistakes. I sure have a ton to learn still. Look how messy my life is.” The chuckle is fake and meant to lift the heavy mood, but it’s not that effective. Especially since what he just shared with me is giving me a sudden wave of courage. The sudden confidence to tell him what I’ve never told anyone.
Seemingly aware of my thoughts, Arthur’s hand finds mine, giving it a comforting squeeze.
It’s the propulsor for my bravery.
“Seven years ago, I was raped.”