11. Alice
11
ALICE
Everything hurts.
My body screams in pain, yet my mind is numb.
A shiver runs through me at the memory of his violation against my body. Even my brain struggles to comprehend what happened.
When I came to earlier, I was lying on the ground, and Baja was beating the life out of Ricky. I’ll never forget the animalistic rage I saw take over Baja at that moment. Had it not been for him showing up, I’d likely be dead instead of sitting in what looks like an exam room at the Fallen Ravens clubhouse while Juneau assesses my injuries.
All I can think about is Sukie would have found me dead.
With a shuttered breath, I push those thoughts out of my head. Thinking about the what-ifs will only thrust me into a darker place than I already am. It’s bad enough that the vision of her mother’s banged-up face will forever be burned in her memory. Just like the expression on her face, the moment she walked into this room will be burned in mine. I haven’t seen myself, but I don’t need a mirror to know my face looks like it was used as a punching bag. The sterile tray sitting beside the bed is littered with the bloody gauze Juneau used to clean my wounds.
I flinch when he applies a sterile strip to the cut above my eye.
Juneau’s jaw ticks. “Sorry.”
I don’t know Juneau well, but he looks like he’s two seconds away from losing it. “It’s okay,” I try to assure him.
He shakes his head. “Nothin’ about this is okay.”
“I suppose not,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
Beside me, Sukie squeezes my hand. She’s been quiet through the whole process, but I can see the worry in her eyes. I shake her hand slightly, urging her gaze to meet mine. “I’m fine.”
Sukie’s bottom lip trembles, blinking away tears threatening to spill because she’s trying to be strong. I cup her cheek and brush away a stray tear with my thumb.
“I’m sorry, Momma,” she croaks.
“Stop. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
Luckily, Juneau uses that moment to interrupt. “The cut above your eye and your cheek won’t need stitches, but I want you to keep the strips on for a few days. Try not to get them wet.”
“Okay.”
Juneau takes his gloves off and tosses them on the tray with the blood-soaked gauze. I notice his approach turns hesitant before he asks his next question, “Alice, are you okay with me taking a look at your ribs?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I nod.
With a gentle touch, Juneau raises the hem of my T-shirt, and I suck in a sharp breath at the same time. Sukie gasps, and I do my best to stay still while Juneau applies light pressure along the left side of my torso.
“How’s your breathing?” he asks. “Any difficulty?”
“No.”
“That’s good. I don’t think any of your ribs are broken, but if the pain gets worse, come back and see me.”
“Okay,” I say for the hundredth time.
The truth is, I’m an expert at compartmentalizing my emotions. I’m holding a tight rein on them to keep from breaking down in front of Sukie and Juneau. As a mother, I refuse to let my daughter see me lose control. I’ll save my breakdown for when I’m alone. On the inside, I’m desperate to crawl out of my skin. I keep thinking about Ricky’s touch. I swear I can still feel his hands on me. The only thing keeping me grounded is the smell of laundry detergent and pine radiating from Baja’s T-shirt, which covers my body and is my only saving grace. I push away all thoughts of Ricky and allow Baja’s scent to bring me the comfort I so desperately seek.
“Would you like me to give you something for the pain and to help you relax?” Juneau asks, effectively bringing me back to the present.
“I’d appreciate that.” My words come out soft. Then I add, “Am I good to go?”
Juneau stands and makes his way to a cabinet across the room. “I’m sorry, Alice, but I can’t let you leave.”
I’m taken aback by his admission. He’s ruled out a concussion and broken ribs, so I see no reason why I can’t leave. “I want to go home.” I need to get the hell out of here before I lose it.
“I don’t want you staying by yourself, Mom,” Sukie cuts in. “You can stay with me and Harlem so I can look after you.”
Shaking my head, I go to argue with Sukie when Juneau interjects, “Alice stays here.”
“That’s not your call,” I bite back, my voice sharp with anger because I’m desperate for an escape.
“No. It’s Baja’s call. Seeing you’re his woman, and he wants you here, that’s the only call that matters.”
Did he call me Baja’s woman?
Ignoring the crazy admission spewed from Juneau’s mouth, I turn to Sukie. “Will you give me a ride?”
Sukie looks uncomfortable as her eyes flick back and forth between me and Juneau. “Maybe you should stay here and wait for Baja.”
I give Sukie my best no-nonsense mom look. A look that has her avoiding eye contact as she lowers her head.
I’m about to open my mouth and argue when the door bursts open. Instantly, the air in the room goes static as Baja’s large form fills the doorframe. He doesn’t spare Juneau or Sukie a glance because his whole attention zeros in on me. I watch his eyes roam over my body, assessing every square inch. His chest heaves and his nostrils flare. There is no missing the way his jaw ticks as his gaze lingers on my bruised and swollen face. Down by his side, his finger twitches. Though the movement is subtle, it’s enough to draw attention to his cracked and slightly swollen knuckles.
Seconds tick by without anyone saying anything, making me increasingly uncomfortable. My body involuntary trembles under Baja’s scrutiny because I know what he sees, and I know he’s thinking about what he saw when he walked into that greenhouse tonight.
When the guys showed up at my house earlier and took Ricky away, I knew without asking what would become of him. His fate was in the hands of the Fallen Ravens, and the devil himself couldn’t save him. It might make me a horrible person, but my only thought was good.
I want the bastard to suffer for what he did to me.
I want him to feel pain.
I want him to die.
I want it to be my face, he envisions when he takes his last breath.
And if that makes me a monster, then so be it.
As seconds tick by without a word, the internal battle I’ve been having with myself crumbles. Those walls I’ve been hell-bent on keeping up become too heavy.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of fighting.
I’m tired of pretending I’m okay.
I’m far from okay.
I need a safe place to fall apart, but I can’t do it here. Panic takes hold. “Get me out of here,” I croak, not taking my eyes off Baja.
Not wasting one precious second, he gives me what I desperately need. Baja effectively eats up the distance between us and stops at the edge of the bed. One arm curls around my back while the other slides beneath my legs, picking me up. I ignore the pain in my side as he pulls me close to his chest. I bury my face in his neck and relish his warmth. Baja’s heat seeps into my skin, instantly calming me.
He carries me out of the room with me cradled in his arms. Juneau doesn’t speak, nor does Sukie. Closing my eyes, I listen to the sound of heavy footfalls coming from down the hall. Behind us, I hear low, murmured voices followed by Sukie’s soft cry. I briefly recognize Salem’s voice but can’t determine what’s being said.
“I’m takin’ her to my room,” Baja says in response, but his pace doesn’t slow. He doesn’t stop until we reach his bedroom. Once inside, he kicks the door closed with his booted foot. Even though we are away from prying eyes, I don’t have it in me to let go of my hold on him. I’m not ready to lose our connection because being in his arms is my only saving grace…
My only sense of peace.
Sensing what I need, Baja makes no move to release me. Instead, he sits on the edge of his bed, the two of us remain completely still. Soon, the only thing that exists is him and me and the steady beat of his heart against my cheek. And just when I think I’m finally getting my emotions under control, Baja opens his mouth and gives me a gift I didn’t know I needed.
“You’re safe now, baby.”
Those four words are my undoing. The wall I built years ago to protect my heart comes crashing down. Four words that have endless meanings when coming from Baja’s mouth. Baja uttering those words means I am safe from Ricky . I’m safe from the shackles of my past and being hurt by another man.
Most importantly, with Baja, I finally feel safe enough to reveal my true emotions. His presence gives me what I need to let go, and the floodgates open wide with that much-needed release. A single tear slips down my cheek, warm and heavy, quickly followed by a cascade of others. Soon, silent sobs shake my body, each one a raw expression of the pain I’ve been holding inside. Through it all, Baja remains a steady anchor, saying nothing but offering a comforting embrace that speaks volumes. His strong arms wrap around me, providing a safe haven in the storm of my emotions.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” I croak, my voice trembling.
Baja’s cheek rests gently against the top of my head, which I find comfort in. “You have nothin’ to be sorry for, baby.” His voice wraps around my body, soothing the chaotic storm inside me.
Usually, I’d be embarrassed to let anyone see me in such a vulnerable state, but I currently don’t have it in me to care. Minutes tick by, with neither of us saying anything. Eventually, the tears stop, and I’m suddenly exhausted. My eyes turn heavy, but all I want now is to shower. There is no way I’m going to bed with dirt, grime, dried blood, and thoughts of Ricky’s filth on me. As much as I want to stay exactly like this all night, I can’t. I need to go home. I don’t have any of my things or a change of clothes. I go to move off Baja’s lap when his arms tighten around me.
“What are you doin’?”
“I should probably go home.”
Baja’s body stiffens. “No.”
My head jerks back, and I peer up at his face. “What?”
“You’re not going anywhere tonight,” he says firmly. “Not after what happened.” I go to argue, but Baja is not finished. “If you think I’m going to let you out of my sight for even a second, you’re fuckin’ crazy.” He gently grips my chin. “I could have fuckin’ lost you tonight, baby. Right now, I need to take care of you. After that, we are going to bed, where you’ll fall asleep in my arms.” A fresh wave of tears falls down my cheeks. “You and I have a lot of shit to sort through… mainly how you’ve been avoidin’ me. Tonight, that shit stops. No more runnin’. You got it?”
I bite my bottom lip and nod.
“Not good enough, Alice. I want the words.”
“I got you, Baja. No more running.”
Satisfied with my answer, Baja leans down and kisses the corner of my mouth. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
Standing, he carries me into the bathroom and sits me on the closed toilet. I watch as he kneels beside the bathtub, turns the faucet on, and lets it fill. Without a word, he glances at me briefly before walking out of the bathroom, and I hear the soft creak of the bedroom door opening and closing behind him. A wave of curiosity washes over me— where could he have gone?
Does he expect me to step into the tub, or should I remain here and wait for his return?
He wants to take care of me, so I stay seated. Moments later, Baja reappears, holding a bottle of shampoo, conditioner, and bubble bath, all tucked under one arm. A fresh, plush towel and a soft washcloth are draped over his other arm. I recognize the shampoo brand as one from Belladonna’s, and the scent is one of Sukie’s favorites. He must have gotten it from her.
“Is Sukie still here?” I ask.
“Yes. She and Harlem are staying at the clubhouse tonight. She doesn’t want to be far from you.”
“I should go talk to her,” I suggest. “See if she’s okay.”
Baja shakes his head and crouches in front of me. “I talked to her. I told her I was takin’ care of you. Sukie’s fine. She has Harlem and will be here all night if we need anything.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“You’re welcome, baby,” he replies softly.
Lifting my hand, I brush my palm down Baja’s face. There is no hiding the shadows plaguing him. I see it in his eyes. I’ve yet to ask him what he did to Ricky, and I won’t because I already know the answer.
“What’s your real name?”
“Nash,” he tells me without hesitation.
“Nash,” I whisper softly, letting the name sink in. “I can’t thank you enough for saving me and making me feel safe.”
“From now on, that’s the only name you’ll call me.” He gently grips my neck and rests his forehead against mine. “Nothin’ sweeter than the sound of my name on your lips, baby.” Breaking our connection, Nash leans back. “Arms up, baby.”
I slowly raise my arms above my head and wince at the pain radiating from my side. Nash grips the hem of the shirt, pulls it off, and tosses it to the floor. He then reaches around my back, unclasping my bra. When he holds his hand out, I take it and stand. Hooking his thumbs into the waistband of my leggings, he gingerly slides them down over my hips, revealing a large bruise along my right hip bone.
Nash’s gaze zeroes in on the bluish tint against my fair skin, and his face hardens. He’s struggling to rein in his anger, but I see the moment he buries it, and he continues with his task. Once my leggings are off, he tosses them in the growing pile on the floor. There is a moment of hesitation as his fingertips brush the waistband of my panties, and he peers up at me. I nod, giving him permission to his silent question. Nash’s touch is feather light as he draws my panties down my legs.
Never in my life have I felt more vulnerable. It’s taking a lot to step outside my comfort zone. Nash told me earlier he needed to take care of me. I want to give him that. The truth is, I need it, too.
After my bath, Nash dresses me in a pair of his boxers and one of his T-shirts. When we exit the bathroom, he walks over to his dresser, where there is a bottle of pills and a water bottle. Popping the top, he shakes out a single pill and hands it to me. “Juneau said this is for the pain and to help you sleep.”
I take the medicine from him, pop it in my mouth, and then chase it with water.
“Let’s get you in the bed.” Taking my hand, Nash leads me to his bed and pulls back the cover.
I climb in and sigh at the feel of the cool sheets against my heated skin. The second my head hits the pillow, Nash’s familiar scent assaults my senses. My eyelids grow heavy as I watch Nash toe off his boots and shove them into the closet. I can’t help but appreciate his sculpted chest as he slides his cut off and hangs it over the back of the chair. Once he’s stripped of his jeans, he tosses them to the floor.
A heartbeat later, he slides into bed behind me. His strong arm wraps around my waist, pulling me back against his chest, and I let out a deep sigh, feeling utterly safe in his embrace and the heat of his body feeling like a cozy blanket. I take in his scent with every breath, anchoring me in this moment.
The last thing I hear before the darkness overtakes me is his voice, low and soothing against my ear, as his lips brush my skin, “Sleep, baby.”
I’ve been lying here, wide awake, for what feels like an eternity. The darkness around me is thick, but my mind is far from quiet. It drifts and darts through a maze of thoughts, each more insistent than the last. Yet, the source of my sleeplessness lies inches away—the same man who has occupied my mind for weeks now. Even in his stillness, an electric current hums between us.
I’ve spent countless nights wrestling with my feelings, trying to convince myself that our connection is merely a fleeting attraction and that I’m too old for him. Yet, here I am, caught between desire and reason, trying to ward off the very thing that has the power to awaken both my heart and my fear.
“What are ya thinkin’ about?” Nash’s raspy, sleep-filled voice rumbles against my ear. “Do you want to talk about it?” Nash asks, his tone softening.
I sigh. “No.” Because I don’t. But then I remember my promise to Nash. No more hiding. So, I turn toward him, and his eyes are filled with anticipation, silently pleading for me to share anything. “I’m not good with this sort of thing,” I confess, my vulnerability hanging between us.
“What sort of thing, baby?”
“Being with a man and opening up to him. I haven’t been in a relationship since before…” I pause, not wanting to say but force myself anyway, “… since before I went to prison.” Once the statement is out, I wait to see if Nash says anything. When he doesn’t, I continue, “I’ve spent eight years being too terrified to even think about being in a relationship. In my experience, the pain and disappointment aren’t worth it.”
“Do you really believe I would bring you pain or disappointment?” Nash asks, his tone calm and steady, devoid of irritation or anger. His words hang in the air, inviting a deeper conversation.
My response is immediate and truthful. “No.” Nash waits silently and patiently as I organize my thoughts. “I resented Sukie’s father after he was gone. It’s stupid and unreasonable because how can you be angry at a person for dying, but I was. I was so angry at him for leaving me to raise our daughter alone. Angry because I loved him, and we were supposed to have a future together. I was angry at him because he chose to get behind the wheel knowing he was too tired.”
I shake my head. “Then I got angry at myself because he was a good man. He worked himself to the bone daily because he wanted to provide a good life for me and our daughter.” Nash tucks a lock of hair behind my ear, and I take a shuddered breath. “I don’t know how I would have made it without Sukie’s grandmother. She saved us in more ways than one.”
“What about your parents?”
“My father was gone by the time Sukie came along. He had a stroke when I was fourteen. Mom was set to retire from teaching when it happened, but her plans changed after Dad got sick. He passed away three years later. My mom and I became even closer after that. We leaned on each other a lot to get through the devastation of losing Dad. Then, I got pregnant at nineteen. I was young but lucky enough to have a supportive parent. We made the best of it. Sukie was a year old when Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I tried for a year to take care of Mom on my own while also caring for a baby. Eventually, I had to put Mom in a home.”
Using the pad of his thumb, Nash wipes the tear running down my cheek. “Shit, baby. You had to make grown-up decisions and live with grown-up responsibilities when you were still a kid yourself.”
“I would do it all again if I had to, Nash. My parents had all the love in the world for me and never failed to show it.”
Thinking about my mom and dad always brings a smile to my face. “My mom had me late in life. She and Dad had tried for years to have a baby. They had long given up when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. She was already forty-three, and Dad was forty-five. Folks thought they were crazy for having a baby at their age, but Mom and Dad were over the moon. I was their miracle baby. That’s what Mom always told me growing up. The thing is, I never looked at my parents as being old. I never compared them to other kids’ parents growing up. To me, they were just Mom and Dad.”
“That’s how it should be, babe. Families aren’t meant to look the same. All that matters is how they love and take care of you.”
“I know. And my parents showed me every day how much they loved me. Still, I wish they were still here to see the kind of woman their granddaughter turned out to be.”
Nash cups my cheek. “Your parents would be proud of both you and Sukie.”
I look away, feeling ashamed. “You’re wrong. They wouldn’t be proud of me.”
“Baby…”
“I failed my daughter, Nash. I brought a monster into our home. It’s because of me my daughter had to endure years of torment and heartache.”
“A man who hides his true character to gain the trust of a woman only to turn around and abuse and manipulate that woman is no man at all.” The fire in Nash’s eyes gives me pause, and he grips the back of my neck as he continues, “Sukie did what she had to do. And you did what you had to do as a mother, protecting her child. It was a shit situation, I’ll give you that. But what I will not tolerate is listening to my woman doubt the kind of mother she is because of some low-life.”
“Nash,” I rasp, my voice quivering with the weight of my emotions.
“Come here,” he replies softly, shifting closer to me. He wraps an arm around my shoulders, drawing me gently into his side. The warmth of his body envelops me, making me feel safe and cherished. I rest my head against his steady heartbeat, the rhythm soothing as I reflect on everything I’ve revealed. The comfort and vulnerability of the moment wash over me, and once again tonight, I find myself drifting into a peaceful sleep in the safety of his embrace.