CHAPTER SIXTEEN
R achel sat in her car and waited. What she was waiting for, she had no idea. An epiphany? The meaning of life? God freaking knows. The only thing she was certain of was the fact she needed another minute.
It was safe to say she hadn’t exactly thought this little impromptu visit over. Which apparently was the theme of her week. Running out on the man who literally took a bullet for her was certainly not going to make her top ten list of proudest moments.
Rachel’s leg began to bounce as her fingers tapped the steering wheel.
Why am I doing this again?
Her mind started to wander. Why didn’t anyone talk about the really awful things that happened when you tried to confront your fears? There must be someone out there who tried to get over their fear of snakes only to end up being bitten. If so, she could relate. She was definitely about to get bitten.
It’s time.
Yes. Right. She had to pull herself together. Or at least pretend she wasn’t about to throw up.
Car door open, her boots hit the pavement. Once she’d slammed the door closed again and locked it, she took one last deep breath.
You’ve got this.
Luckily, after pushing through the entrance, there were plenty of arduous tasks to keep her mind busy. The first of which was getting her IDs checked by a guard who really needed to work on his people skills.
She then went on to be searched, which was always a good time. As was setting off the metal detector with her underwire bra. This was really going well. It was a good thing she was wearing layers and could get away with not wearing a bra.
When she finally made it through security checks, she was escorted to the visitation center. A long rectangular-shaped room awaited with a line of chairs along a clear glass screen. Taking a seat where the guard gestured, she sat, her heart pounding as she tried to draw in measured breaths.
The privacy screens on either side of her weren’t very private, but she supposed that was the point. There was no privacy in prison.
One minute later, she had something other than the black phone receiver to look at.
Leo.
He didn’t look surprised, because this wasn’t a surprise. She’d had to call him a few days ago to get on his list of approved visitors. But there was still something about his nonchalant slump that annoyed her.
At least he’s sober. For once.
Picking up the phone, she watched him do the same.
“Hi, Dad.” His wrinkled eyes narrowed on her. “Guess you’re wondering why I wanted to come see you, huh?”
“Let me guess.” He sneered. “You’ve joined one of those Jesus cults and you’ve come here to forgive me for my sins so you can move on with your life?”
That earned him a scoff. Only her dad could pull off being a condescending asshole in an orange jumpsuit.
“Actually, the cult needed a sacrifice, so I put your name forward. I hope you don’t mind.”
Leo sniggered at her sarcasm. “Always a smartass.”
“Those men you owed money to, they came after me.”
The color drained from Leo’s face. At least he had the decency to look remorseful.
“They shot my boyfriend. He had to have surgery.”
She heard only her father’s breathing down the line as he ran a palm over his shaved head. She kept her eyes on him. Or more precisely, she kept her glare on him.
“I didn’t think they’d come after you,” he admitted.
“Sure you did. Otherwise, why else would you tell Cody about them?”
“Cody?”
“The cop who picked you up in Woodvalley,” she confirmed.
“Oh.” She lost his blue eyes for a minute as he scrunched up his face. “That your boyfriend?”
“No. And I think you’re missing the point. Those men came after me, Dad. They broke into my apartment, they threatened me, and they shot my boyfriend. Do you honestly have nothing to say about that?”
“Why don’t you save us both the time and just tell me what you want me to say?”
Such an asshole.
“Why don’t you care, Dad? Was it the drinking that made you stop, or was it Mom leaving? Or was it both? I just need to know.”
“So I was right. You joined a cult. You’re here to forgive me and move on, right? Wash your hands of me?”
I washed my hands of you a long time ago.
“Do you think you deserve to be forgiven? ’Cause I’m not sure you do.” She was no longer nervous. She was angry.
“This why you came here ... to give me shit?”
“I came here to get answers, Dad ... or should I call you Leo? That seems more appropriate at this point, considering I can’t even remember the last time you acted like a goddamn parent to me.”
Leo puffed out his cheeks, like he was bored. The freaking nerve. It was a minute before he spoke again. And when he did speak, she found herself wishing he’d kept quiet.
“Your mother and I had no business having a kid.” Direct shot to the heart. “She damn well knew it too. You know that’s why she left, right? Oh, and the bitch had the nerve to blame me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“She blamed me for wanting to keep you,” he went on, totally oblivious to the fact her heart was currently shattering. “She knew we’d make lousy parents, and I guess she was right. She was dead set on adoption, but I thought ...” Leo paused and shook his head. “I thought we should at least give it a go. So we did. And every day after that, I was to blame. For everything.”
Rachel flinched. Had he really just said that? They never wanted her. No. Correction, her mother had never wanted her. Her father thought they could “give it a go.”
What the actual fuck?
She had to ask, even though she knew she shouldn’t. “Do you regret it ... giving it a go?”
She saw his face soften, and for a moment, she witnessed a glimpse of the old Leo. The Leo who would dance around the living room with her.
“I’m not gonna pretend I wasn’t a shit dad. I don’t know.” He blew out a breath. “You probably would’ve been better off in the system. I guess it was selfish of me to wanna keep you, but that’s the decision I made ... and that’s the one I stick by. So no. I don’t regret it.”
She shouldn’t feel relieved. But she did. Why it mattered would be a question for her future therapist. But it did.
She nodded, letting Leo’s stare burn into her. She knew what she had to do next. It took her a few minutes to work up the courage, but when she did, she knew deep down to her soul she was doing the right thing.
“We’re done. We need to be done. For good this time. When you get out, don’t look me up. Don’t come knocking. And don’t ever ask me for money. You’re no longer my dad, and I’m no longer your daughter. Do you understand?”
His reply came immediately. A little too quick. “I understand.”
Just like that. He didn’t even fight for her. Which reminded her exactly why she needed to do this.
“Goodbye, Leo.” She hung up the phone before he had a chance to reply. There was nothing else to say.
Rising from the wooden chair, she looked to the guard, who was already on his way over. It was time to move on. For real this time.
***
R achel stared down at her phone before eventually hitting decline again. Cat and Libby had been taking turns calling her for a week now, but she wasn’t ready to face them yet.
She’d had one missed call from Hunter. Three days ago. He didn’t leave a message or send her a text, and he hadn’t tried calling again since. She was trying her best not to think about that though.
Yeah. That’s really working.
Okay. So she wasn’t doing the best job of not thinking about it. Every time her phone rang, her heart pounded harder than a jackhammer, and every time she didn’t see Hunter’s name, she felt like she’d lost another piece of herself.
You could call him?
Right. And that conversation would go so well. After she apologized for running out on him, she knew he’d demand an explanation as to why. And she didn’t have any good answers.
The truth was, she felt lost. Ever since that awful day when Hunter had been shot, her head and her heart had been in a constant battle. She loved him. So much. But the guilt she was carrying over what happened was immense. She couldn’t help but feel like Hunter was better off without her. And him not calling was a harsh reminder that he probably thought so too.
No one wants you. Not your mom or your dad or Hunter. You might as well start hoarding cats.
Just as she was about to start contemplating cat names, a knock on her crappy motel room door stiffened her spine.
Who the hell is that?
No one knew where she was. And the motel she’d chosen definitely didn’t do room service.
Serial killer!
Another knock had her quietly crawling off the scratchy sheets.
“I know you’re in there, Rach. Open up.”
Cat?
Rachel’s face must have looked just as puzzled as her head was. What on earth was Cat doing here, and how had she found her?
Taking the four steps to the dark wood door, she swung it open to reveal a very impatient-looking Cat.
Rachel didn’t bother with niceties. “How the hell did you find me?”
She was treated to an over-exaggerated eye roll. “Welcome to the twenty-first century, Rach, we have this thing now called Find My iPhone.”
Shit. I knew I shouldn’t have allowed Libby and Cat to mess around with my phone.
“So you came all the way to Clarke County to mock me?” Rachel’s hands landed on her cocked-out hips.
“Yep. I would have come sooner, but Libby told me to give you some time. So I did. I gave you a week. You about done with your breakdown now?”
Rachel puffed out a grumble and stomped back over to the bed. Cat, of course, followed her inside and took a seat next to her.
“Come on, Rach, you can’t hide forever. Also, what’s with the murder motel? You could have at least hidden out somewhere with a spa.”
Rachel threw herself back on the bed and let out the loudest sigh she could manage. “I’m not in the mood for your unique brand of sarcasm, Cat.”
“Who’s being sarcastic? It looks like a crime scene waiting to happen out there, and I gotta tell you ... it isn’t much better in here.” Rachel didn’t have a chance to object, because her friend wasn’t done. “So, do you want to talk about how you made a huge mistake dumping Hunter now ... or shall we go get some food first?”
Rachel lifted her head just far enough to shoot Cat daggers. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“And you’re qualified to give me advice how, exactly? I remember not so long ago you dumped Cody via a letter, and then jumped on a plane to England.”
“True. But if anything, that makes me a bona fide expert on fixing major fuckups, seeing as we’re happily married now.”
Screw food first, she needed a drink. Which was exactly what she told her friend next. And unsurprisingly, she had no objections.
***
A s bars go, this was a nice one. No neon signs or scuffed-up surfaces. It was all mirrors, ambient lighting, and sleek metal tables. The plush armchair she was currently slumped in was also giving her piano bar vibes.
Like the Tipsy Cow back home, there were still some cowboys lurking in corners, but even they looked all shiny and new. Like they’d been given a good polish.
“Here, that’s your second. Which means it’s time to talk.” Cat placed another glass of whiskey Coke in front of her before sitting back down opposite.
Rachel’s time was up. She was about to be lectured. She took a big gulp of her drink, hoping for a little liquid courage. Or numbness. She’d take either.
“Okay, let’s get this over with then. Do your worst,” Rachel said, already feeling defeated.
“Why don’t we start with why you dumped Hunter? Do you not love him anymore? Has he been treating you badly? Or did you guys have a fight or something?”
She knew what her friend was doing. “Don’t patronize me, Cat. You damn well know the answers to all of those questions. We didn’t fight, he doesn’t treat me badly, and of course I love him.”
Cat threw innocent eyes her way. “I’m just trying to figure out why you dumped his arse, honey. That’s all.”
“I got him shot, Cat.” Rachel swallowed down the emotions bubbling in her throat. “He was fighting for his life because of me. Because no matter how far I run, my past just keeps coming back to haunt me. Don’t you understand? This is all my fault. I’m so ashamed. I can’t even look him in the eye right now, let alone be in a relationship with him.”
More drink. She needed another giant gulp of that whiskey Coke. Which was exactly what she did next as Cat narrowed those judgmental blue eyes on her.
“You’re being ridiculous, you know that?” Cat declared.
“Tell me again why Libby thought it was a good idea to send you instead of coming herself?”
She wasn’t enjoying the tough love. She would much prefer something a little more subtle. And softer. Something Libby was better at giving.
Cat ignored the question and carried on. “Remember a few months ago when I had that panic attack, and I totally freaked out because I thought Cody was gonna run for the hills?” Rachel nodded. She remembered. “Well, you told me that it would take a lot more than a measly panic attack to scare a man like Cody off.
“I think you know where I’m going with this, but I’m gonna say it anyway. Cody and Hunter—all of the guys, actually—they’re made from the same stock. Getting shot hasn’t scared Hunter off, and right now he’s more upset about losing you than he is about taking a bullet.
Don’t you think that says something?”
He's upset.
Just the thought of him upset was enough to turn her stomach. But it didn’t make sense. If he was so upset, why hadn’t he called her?
“How do you know?” Rachel asked.
“What?”
“That he’s upset. Have you been over to see him? What did he say? How’s the wound ... is he keeping it clean? Has his mother checked in on him? Does he have enough groceries?” She had so many questions, but she didn’t get out any more, because Cat cut her off.
“Seriously, honey, do you hear yourself?” Cat’s straight black hair whipped back and forth as she shook her head. “I feel like you need a shake or something. It really doesn’t need to be this hard. You love him. He loves you. You’re both clearly miserable without each other. So, instead of you punishing yourself for something that isn’t your fucking fault and asking me stupid questions about the contents of Hunter’s fridge, why don’t you just come home and see for yourself?”
“It’s not that simple,” Rachel grumbled.
“Yeah, it is. Time to put on your big girl pants.”
Stupid, dumb friends. Always getting in her business. Rachel downed the rest of her drink. It was time for another whiskey Coke.
Maybe hold the Coke?