9. Cane
9
CANE
I t’s all too much. I can’t fucking cope anymore. I feel like I’m lying to Evie every time I look at her and don’t feel joy about our upcoming wedding. I should. I know that, and I’m not lying when I say I do love her.
But something feels off. So damn wrong, it’s eating me alive.
And Archie sees it. Why won’t he just leave it alone? Why can’t he just stop reminding me that I don’t act or feel how I should right now? I need him to go away, far away, but that thought alone is crippling.
It doesn’t make any sense.
I’ve heard of love at first sight. I’ve heard of being obsessed with someone from the get-go, but I never believed in it. I thought those people were delusional. And no, I don’t think I’m in love with Archie—but the attraction—this insane pull I’ve felt since the night we met—I don’t know how to reconcile it in my mind in any way that makes sense.
“Are you asking me if I want you to call off your wedding for me?”
I start the car back onto the path to Hayes because sitting here with him and having nothing to do is too much. “That’s what I’m asking you. Yes.”
I don’t think it’s too often that Archie is stunned quiet, but it seems to be happening. He is quiet. Far too quiet.
“I’m not saying I will,” I clarify. “I’m just asking you if that’s what you think you want.”
“What I think? Because I’m just a fuckboy.”
“You tell me.” I’m tired of dancing around and being polite. Acting like that night didn’t happen. Acting like every impulse in my body isn’t demanding to have that again with him.
It’s not fair to Evie, but I’m tired of acting like it’s not happening.
“Is there something wrong with enjoying hookups? You telling me you’re a prude? Because I’m pretty sure I didn’t hear you complaining at all that night. More like moaning. Hell, I think there was even screaming.”
My neck heats, and I can feel the blush creeping up over my cheeks. It’s not embarrassment though. It’s lust. Thinking about that night. My throat was raw from crying out from pleasure.
“Nothing wrong with that. I’m just wondering if you’ve thought it through past the next orgasm.”
“I don’t want you to call off your marriage for me, asshole. I didn’t ask you to, and I never would. You shouldn’t do it for me.”
“Then why do you care?” I ask, risking a quick glance his way and seeing he’s deep in thought.
“Because we could have had a chance at something real, and I’ve never wanted that before.”
Shit. That’s not the answer I expected. I look back at the road and clench the steering wheel tightly in my hands.
“I can’t end things with her because of a hookup.”
“Then don’t,” he snaps. “I didn’t say I was in love with you. I didn’t say pick me. I said don’t marry the poor girl if you don’t want to marry her. Because you wouldn’t be questioning it if it were real.”
My throat feels tight with unsaid emotions. My body actually aches with it, but thankfully, he’s quiet for the rest of the drive. I don’t think I could have talked any more even if he’d wanted to.
I’m angry and confused. Two weeks seems like tomorrow. I don’t want to get married. I know that deep down, but I don’t want to lose Evie either. I don’t want to face my family and see the disappointed looks.
I park in front of his house after he guides me there, and we both remain still. “Do you think your parents wouldn’t approve of you being bisexual?”
He’s not being a dick this time. I can hear the actual concern in his voice. “I know they wouldn’t.”
I swear his shoulders hunch, and I want to reach out, comfort him for some reason, even though it’s my parents who are bigoted assholes. “So you haven’t told them?”
“No reason to, I guess. I know them though.” I swallow hard and look over at Archie. “They wouldn’t be okay with it. They’d hate me.”
His haunted eyes meet mine, and I see familiar pain in them. Pain I’ve felt so deeply for so long. “Mine do.”
“So you’re out to them?”
He nods. “They kicked my ass out so fast when I was a teenager.”
“Shit,” I curse, my stomach clenching in on itself. That was always my greatest fear, but I’m approaching thirty now, and I don’t know what my excuse is. I don’t rely on them for anything anymore, and still, the fear of losing them is so great. “I’m sorry, Archie.”
“It hurt, you know? Like, I knew they were assholes. I knew they were wrong, but it didn’t matter. It still hurt.”
His eyes are watery, and I get the sense he hasn’t talked about this much. “Of course it did.”
He shakes his head, trying to force a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes that are full of tears. “I just made jokes. Pretended like it didn’t matter, but it hurt. I didn’t understand why it mattered so much to them. I still don’t.”
“Did it get any better?”
He laughs softly. “I mean, I haven’t seen them in well over a decade, but I still think about them from time to time. Wonder if they’re okay or if they care if I’m okay.” My heart breaks for him. That’s not how this is supposed to be. It’s not fair. “But I have a new family. My friends. They make it okay. Oakley’s Crew. Walker. Walker’s guy, Dutton.”
I smile. “Sounds better than dickhead parents who can’t just love you for who you are.”
“It is.” His eyes meet mine in all seriousness, and I suck in a deep breath. Knowing I would be okay, even without them. If they couldn’t love me. But it’s still scary as hell.
“I do love Evie. I’m attracted to her. She’s beautiful and smart and funny. I do love her.” But...
“But something’s missing,” he fills it in for me.
“I don’t want to hurt her. It will devastate her.”
“You can’t force it, Cane. Look, anything I say will make me sound like an asshole because yeah, of course I want to hook up with you again. You’re gorgeous and fascinating to me in a way no one ever has been before. But I don’t know what the future would hold for us if you broke up with her.”
“I don’t know when I’d be ready to date again if I did end it with her.”
He nods with a sad smile. “I mean, I don’t know if I’d want to date you anyway. A guy from Larnard.”
He smirks at me, and I roll my eyes, shoving him playfully in his shoulder. He just laughs and barely moves.
“You have to do what’s right for you. But don’t try to make everyone else happy. That never works.”
“So what are we? Friends now?” He smiles, and it’s gorgeous. His entire face lights up with his laugh, and I start to see that playful guy I noticed in the bar again. It’s good to see him.
“I guess so.”
“I should go. I have some things to do,” I say vaguely because I’m not really sure what I’m going to do.
He nods and opens the car door. “If you ever need to talk... I am your friend. Just friends. Okay?”
I smile at that and bob my head in agreement but can’t get words to work. He waves and closes the door before I make sure he makes it into the small, although well-kept house, and I drive back to mine.
A house I don’t think is going to be my home for very much longer.
When I get to the house almost two hours later, I find Evie in the living room, lying on the couch, fast asleep. Her phone and laptop are on the coffee table, and the glasses she wears when she has to look at the screen too long are still on her face.
She’s beautiful. Truly. Deep down inside, and it shines all the way out. And I’m a shithead who’s about to hurt her for the hundredth time.
I sit on the coffee table, being mindful of her things, reaching to remove her glasses and set them next to her laptop and phone. She stirs and looks at me with a sleepy smile. “Hey there. That took forever.”
“Hayes is pretty far.”
She smiles prettily at me, but as she sits up, she must sense something is wrong because she looks worried. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“No,” I answer honestly, and her entire face drops.
“Cane, you’re scaring me.”
“I don’t want you to be scared, sweetheart, but I can’t do this.”
“No,” she says, pure panic in her voice. “No. Don’t do this to me. We have two weeks! Two!”
“I know. But Evie, something isn’t right.”
She reaches for my hand and pulls me to her, my body next to hers on the couch. “We can make this work. We can.”
“We shouldn’t have to.” I smooth my hand over her hair and hold her to me as she starts to cry. I don’t think she’s surprised at all though. I think she felt this coming, just like I did. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
God, I ache with it. “I love you though.”
“I love you too, but Evie . . .”
She looks up at me, her face wet with tears. “It’s not enough.”
I use my thumb to wipe the tears away as best I can. “I don’t want you to settle, and I don’t want to get married when it doesn’t feel right. I’ve loved you since I’ve known you, but for some reason...”
“You don’t want to marry me,” she says sullenly, and I don’t nod or move because she knows it’s true.
I hug her to me, and I let her cry. I let her yell at me and call me every name in the book, and then I give her a kiss on the cheek and hug before we say a tearful goodbye.
I go to my house, knowing the mess I created won’t be easily cleaned up, but for the first time in so long, the tension in my chest is gone.
I don’t feel like a huge weight is sitting there over my heart.
I feel right for the first time in a really long time.